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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My horrible experience of men this weekend. Friend seems to think it's 'normal drunken male behaviour'. AIBU to think it's not acceptable?

40 replies

WhistlingNun · 18/03/2013 10:57

I'd like to start by saying i'm not a prude; however, i freely admit i have trust issues when it comes to men.

I was away for the weekend with my two best friends. Friend A is a very flirty, outgoing woman and just goes with the flow with most situations. She rarely gets worked up about anything. Friend B is more like me. Slightly uncomfortable in new groups of people/surroundings. But we're all generally up for a laugh, we just have different boundaries from each other.

Anyway. On the first night of our break, we went round various pubs and clubs, having one drink in each, but staying for longer if we liked it.

In the first pub, a very drunk man came over to our table and started wrapping his arm around me and friend A's waist. She was laughing politely, trying to get him to go away. I sort of turned my back to him and talked to friend B, wriggling free of him every time he touched me. He persisted for another five minutes before moving onto the next table of women.

In the next place, my friends and i were dancing. in the space of ten minutes, three different men threw themselves at friend B, trying to kiss her.

We moved on. I went to the bar, and got chatting to a lovely man (or so he seemed). He was very drunk but was also very polite. After ten minutes, he asked for my number and i said okay (a bit drunk myself). He said it would be nice to meet for lunch tomorrow before i go home the following day.

In the next place, i bumped into him again. And after a few hours we kissed. Then, all manners went out the window. He was groping my backside and kept asking me to go home with him. I said no way, and he called me a horrid name, a tease, and then stormed off. He came back an hour later and tried it on with me again. I told him no. And then (which i'm furious about now), i apologised for leading him on/building up his expectations.

When my friends and I got back to the hotel, he text me ten times saying i'm gorgeous etc, will i meet him tomorrow. I ignored and blocked his number the next morning.

The second night was worse. In one place, i tripped as i was coming upstairs from the toilet. Two men were behind me. One of them hit my backside really hard, and i yelled at him (kicked him in the balls). Back upstairs, they tried it again and said 'you loved it really. You love the punishment'. I was furious. We left, and went elsewhere.

I was sitting at a table in another place. One guy came up and chatted to friend A. Then, for no reason whatsoever, he turned round and called me a stupid bitch!

We left. In another place, as i was walking downstairs, a guy just grabbed my neck, tried to kiss me. When i pushed away, he told me to fuck off, and called me a slut.

I was really upset by all of this. More so, because friend A tried to excuse their behaviour saying they were just acting like typical drunken men. She said i shouldn't take their comments seriously. They don't know me, so their comments are stupid.

I don't go out much to be honest (maybe once or twice a year), so maybe i was just more shocked by this behaviour because of that. Whereas friend A and B (childless) go out every weekend, so will be more used to it.

Please don't think i'm not up for a laugh, or i'm a boring old fart or anything. i'm not. I just don't think this is acceptable. And it's still playing on my mind.

I was probably more sensitive to it because i was on edge thinking about dd (never left her for more than one night before). Friend B has recently lost a parent and i felt like i couldn't say no to her about going away.

OP posts:
Pilfette · 18/03/2013 11:01

Good grief, this makes me glad I'm a boring old mare who doesn't go out anymore! Surely many of the instances you describe are, without wishing to be too downright assault? I think your boundaries are correct, your friends, especially friend A, not so much. I'm sorry you had such an unpleasant time.

PeggyCarter · 18/03/2013 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Branleuse · 18/03/2013 11:03

jesus, what an awful night.

quoteunquote · 18/03/2013 11:08

What a horrible night out,

Go to your local town council meeting,explain you experience, ask them to start a campaign, get all business to put these posters above the mens urinals,

these

Get better friends, anyone who tolerates that behaviour is going to be difficult to be around.

ChunkyChicken · 18/03/2013 11:08

YANBU to expect to go out & have a night out w/out being groped, insulted, threatened etc.

However, w/out defending any of them at all, friend A is right in one sense; they don't know you so their comments are stupid & don't matter, so you should try to put it behind you however frustrating & hard that is

Dannilion · 18/03/2013 11:08

It's not acceptable at all, but yes very typical of about 20% of the drunken male population. I had no issue with showing these kind of men just how wrong their behaviour was though, it took the majority by surprise as I don't think they're expecting these silly little wimmin to give as good as they get.

I don't go out anymore, way too pregnant.

WorraLiberty · 18/03/2013 11:09

Jesus Christ where on earth did you go for all that to happen in a weekend? Shock

I don't think it's 'normal' drunken behaviour but sadly it's rather common drunken behaviour.

Believe me though, it's not just men who letch, swear and grope when drunk...women do their fair share of it too.

dreamingbohemian · 18/03/2013 11:13

YANBU

I was a party girl for many years, also worked in bars for a long time. I still would have been really pissed off by all this.

Not all drunken men are like this, and not all bars see this type of behaviour. Some places are just a free for all. I worked at a club for a while that was absolutely disgusting -- quit as soon as I could. I also worked in bars where people got just as drunk, but knew that if they grabbed or groped or swore at anyone for no reason, they'd probably be kicked out.

I think you're totally right, it doesn't make you boring. Your friends are probably just more normalised to it. That doesn't make it acceptable though.

SolidGoldBrass · 18/03/2013 11:13

This does sound pretty grim, and I imagine the cumulative effect made it worse. These men are all arseholes and it is simply not true that all men, even drunk ones, feel entitled to behave like that.
What I have found (am quite old) is that some pubs and clubs are simply nastier than others in terms of obnoxious men - unfortunately, in an unfamiliar area, it's harder to be sure which pubs/clubs are fun places and which are hellholes.

specialsubject · 18/03/2013 11:14

yuk. BTW giving away your number to a drunk was a bad move - next time just take theirs.

unfortunately the culture now is that it isn't a good time in a pub unless you have swilled a load of booze, so the place is full of drunks and you get the behaviour you describe. It seems that those who can have a good time without getting wasted are quite rare.

WhistlingNun · 18/03/2013 11:16

Glad it's not just me thinks this was unacceptable. Thank you.

Friend A keeps saying we're young (early to mid twenties) and should be enjoying ourselves. My idea of enjoying myself is to go out for a drink and a dance with friends. She seems to think it's a bit of a rubbish night if she doesn't get any male attention.

We were out in Blackpool. I've never been before, but my friends have.

OP posts:
verytellytubby · 18/03/2013 11:17

Think you need to reevaluate where you go out. Sounds grim. Nothing like that has happened to me on a night out.

freddiefrog · 18/03/2013 11:18

No, it's not acceptable, even if it is common behaviour.

I was out with friends a couple of weeks ago and we were constantly hassled by drunk young men. One asked for my number and wouldn't take no for an answer, he got quite abusive in the end.

WorraLiberty · 18/03/2013 11:19

I kind of guess Blackpool in my mind!

There have been many TV shows about the drunken shit that goes on there...and as I say, it's from both men and women.

Although it's not just Blackpool obviously, there are many towns up and down the UK where this sort of thing goes on.

I do wish someone could do something to stamp it out.

WorraLiberty · 18/03/2013 11:19

*guessed

badtasteflump · 18/03/2013 11:21

Sadly I do think it's common drunken behaviour from (some) men on a night out. Doesn't mean it's acceptable though!

I don't have many of those kinds of nights out anymore being an old married, but when I did used to it really used to piss me off how the fact that you're in a club seems to make men think they have free rein to grab your arse/tits/whatever in a way that would never be acceptable in a million trillion years in any other situation!

Your post has made me glad I'm getting older Smile

Tailtwister · 18/03/2013 11:22

What a horrible evening! Of course it's unacceptable behaviour, quite disgusting in fact.

KellyElly · 18/03/2013 11:23

We were out in Blackpool. I've never been before, but my friends have. Sounds awful OP. I'm going there for a hen do in May and will have to watch how much I drink as I would end up punching someone for what you had to endure!

LibertineLover · 18/03/2013 11:24

No, it's not bloody acceptable OR normal. Just one of those incidents would have pissed me off no end, let alone a whole night of it. I would never go out again if I was friend A or B, how can they stand that shit every weekend??
Next time, do what makes you happy and stay in or go to a restaurant with your friends.

Pilgit · 18/03/2013 11:27

No, yanbu! Although i have encoutered that type of behaviour in blackpool. No excuse for it. That is not having a good time.

dreamingbohemian · 18/03/2013 11:29

Ah, well to be fair... I did feel a bit like Friend A when I was at uni, early 20s... was all about meeting guys Blush and enduring the twats was the price to pay.

Presumably your friends will get tired of it at some point, like most people!

nilbyname · 18/03/2013 11:29

Well I think your experiences were horrific!

I would also say that I would not go on a pub crawl/hit afre bars somewhere like Blackpool which IMO has a rep for being a by ropey. Not that thy gives anyone the right to behave so offensively or aggressively on a night out.

delboysfileofax · 18/03/2013 11:30

Did you speak to the doorstaff? In the clubs I used to work at we would throw pissed people out for a lot less

Fakebook · 18/03/2013 11:35

Ugh. Sounds horrible. I'd start going to places less renowned for such arseholey drunken behaviour.

thebody · 18/03/2013 11:36

Dearie me. I didn't get this much attention in my hey day and I was hotter than hot!

Seriously sounds pretty grim although why would you give your phone number to a drunk.

Avoid these busy places and go to nicer ones.

Just because someone is drunk, make or female they still need to keep their hands to themselves.

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