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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want one more baby, DH doesn't, AIBU to be furious?

98 replies

YouBastard · 17/03/2013 16:38

I wouldn't leave him over it, but bloody hell, how unfair. Why does he get the final say? AIBU to be very pissed off?

OP posts:
Bunbaker · 17/03/2013 17:57

I think his reasons are perfectly valid and having three children might well change your marriage irrevocably, and not for the better. I agree that having children is stressful and your husband has admitted to it.

Like Longing I have seen two marriages fail because he didn't want children and she did. Both women ended up being single parents with ex husbands who have absolutely no interest in their children.

I think you need to concentrate on appreciating what you have which is probably easier said than done.

mrsjay · 17/03/2013 17:57

Actually dadofone, I was adamant I didn't want any children. He very much did, so I gave in. So it kind of sticks in the old craw that now I want one more, he say's no.

oh thats a wee bit different ( glad i read on )he gets the say in all the babies the 1 you both have and the 1 you want, I dont think you are being unreasonable talk to him some more your feelins matter

runningforme · 17/03/2013 18:02

My DH was adamant after our first two that he didn't want anymore children. We had them very young (neither were planned) and had worked hard to get to where we were. But I didn't yet feel that I was done with having kids and wanted one more. We discussed it over and over but he was sure he didn't want anymore and liked how our two had become more independent and we were finally getting our lives back a little. So I left it. And made peace with the whole thing. In fact, I got to a place where I decided I was actually glad to not have any more. Then DH, for some reason and totally out of the blue, changed his mind. We now have a 2nd DD and couldn't imagine life without her. It is hard work, but she is such a joy to us all.

Having said all of that, there is no way you can force someone to have a child they don't want. I know now for a fact that there is not a snowball's chance in hell that DH would want any more. I probably would if we could afford it. But I know that it would be too much - most likely for all of us. So although I sometimes get gooey eyed over newborns, I am finally ok with saying that I am finished.

YANBU for being furious that he won't discuss it with you. You deserve that as his wife. I hope he comes round to at least talking to you about it so that you can either make peace over the situation, or maybe he could change his mind

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 17/03/2013 18:09

YouBastard

Have you told him your reasons?

If so, he's told you his reasons, so you have (sort of) discussed it. If so, there's really no compromise and therefore no more discussion to be had.

If he has not heard your reasons, the tell him you'd like to talk and him listen.

I agree with Hilda really

expatinscotland · 17/03/2013 18:10

He's given you some very legitimate reasons. Also, 'could probably afford' is a big one these days, with less secure jobs, a lot of instability, etc.

pinkyredrose · 17/03/2013 18:12

I was adamant I didn't want any children. He very much did, so I gave in

Hang on are you saying that you had a baby that you didn't really want to keep him happy? And now you want another one and he doesn't you think he should 'give in'?

How did your second child come about, did you want another baby or was it what your partner wanted?

expatinscotland · 17/03/2013 18:12

That being said, I'd expect someone who is adamant about not having any more children to take full responsibility for that contraceptive-wise. I have friends who are very firm on this and are sterilised AND use another form of contraception to make sure there are none of these accidents and it-wasn't-planned scenarios that occur.

FierceBadIggi · 17/03/2013 18:20

So you were persuaded by him to have children, when initially you said you didn't want any? I can certainly see why it seems unfair if he will now not even have a proper discussion with you about it.

Has he suggested having the snip, is he that certain of his viewpoint?

tigerellatomato · 17/03/2013 18:22

Do not have another baby if your DH doesn't want one. I've seen the result of this after a friend "accidentally" got pregnant. H loves DC BUT regularly mentions to friends he wishes they'd stopped at 2. Don't think DC ever hears this....but it HAS affected their family dynamic, and H was certainly not as involved when DC was a baby as with the others. It's hard to accept, but try to find peace with it for a happier family life.

Ohhelpohnoitsa · 17/03/2013 18:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 17/03/2013 18:25

I disagree slightly with some posters, thinking it should be a joint decision with no-one really getting final say. I'd want to discuss it further too, but he has given some reasonable reasons for his (strong) preference.
Also however agree with posters who've said to be thankful for and cherish what you have.

Floggingmolly · 17/03/2013 18:26

Don't be so ridiculous Hmm. Maybe he feels he's already got three, the way you carry on?

diddl · 17/03/2013 18:28

"I was adamant I didn't want any children. He very much did, so I gave in "

So because you gave in, you think he should now??!!

Sounds as if he has discussed it tbh-you just don't like what you hear.

scottishmummy · 17/03/2013 18:47

You know his reasons he's told you them,he knows your preference
Rub is you don't like what you're hearing,thats different from not discussing
Don't dwell,be happy for your blessings and don't let this fester

expatinscotland · 17/03/2013 18:51

Again, if he really doesn't want one, he'll walk that walk and get the snip and use a condom every single time. Only a wanker would proclaim no more kids and then expect the other person to take responsibility for contraception or try to pressure someone into termination when they have the inevitable accident.

BeCool · 17/03/2013 18:51

YANBU to be furious for whatever reason you want or feel.

Hope you find a way to move forward with peace.

aldiwhore · 17/03/2013 18:53

YABU.

If one wants a baby and the other doesn't, no baby. That's just the way it is. It's not him having the final say, it's that a baby should only be made by two people who want one!

YANBU to feel crushed, but your DH is NBU.

BeCool · 17/03/2013 18:53

I agree that he should take full responsibility for birth control now and relieve you of that burden. A small plus for you YOUBASTARD?

Phosphene · 17/03/2013 18:55

YABU.

You already have two children. In today's time it is irresponsible to have more than 1-2 children IMO.

scottishmummy · 17/03/2013 18:55

Are you serious becool?it's not reasonable to be furious for any reason
An adult has to moderate or consider others.in particular when having furies
Toddlers get furious for any reason,adults shouldn't.you're disappointed, move on

Xmasbaby11 · 17/03/2013 18:56

That's so hard for you. There isn't really any compromise here, so I hope you can accept his decision.

iloveholidays · 17/03/2013 19:08

Phosphene... Why is it irresponsible to have more than 2 children?

Original poster
YouBastard · 17/03/2013 19:08

Ok back. First of all, to the posters who have said I'm lucky to have any, I do appreciate that. This doesn't mean that the longing for one more goes away unfortunately, I'm sorry to all those who are struggling and think I should count my blessings, I don't mean to upset anybody.

Trying to answer a few points; We didn't agree on a number really, we were both in agreement that, if we could, we wanted DS1 to have a sibling. If we had another, our marriage would not struggle. I do believe this. DH has said in the past that if it happened, we would cope, but that was some time ago, just after DS2 was born.

claudedebussy - thanks for your thoughts. I hope your stress levels improve!

LongingForLamu - thanks. glad your friend kicked her idiot DH into touch Shock.

JamieandtheMagicTorch - he knows how I feel. I've talked about it (might as well have talked to the wall, I'd get more of a response!). He just says no.

Expat - you find a way to afford a child, I think. If we'd sat down and looked at the cost of raising a child long term, I doubt DH would have been so keen to have even one. I don't think there are many who are totally realistic about the costs of childcare (unless they have a particular lifestyle they are very keen to maintain).

Second DC came about because we both felt that, if we could, we wanted DS1 to have a sibling. DH very much wanted a child, I didn't, we both wanted 2, only I want 3.

Yes, he's discussed having the snip, I don't want him to, although I haven't said this.

Scottishmummy - no, I'm not massively keen on what I'm hearing!

Sorry if I've missed some replies, there's been a fair few posts. Thanks for all your responses.

OP posts:
Original poster
YouBastard · 17/03/2013 19:11

Scottishmummy - it might not be reasonable to be furious, but fury is a human response to a whole host of situations, some understandable, some not. If someone is in complete control of their emotions, whatever they are, at all times...then I think they may be androids!

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 17/03/2013 19:13

Don't stay in huff,kss the kids,kiss the dh,and accept this is a deep disappointment
You can control how you feel,can control how you behave to your dh
You say you're solvent apart from this marriage good. So chins up.don't dwell