I want one more baby, DH doesn't, AIBU to be furious?

[YouBastard]

I wouldn't leave him over it, but bloody hell, how unfair. Why does he get the final say? AIBU to be very pissed off?

[YouBastard]

Furious because of the lack of reasonable discussion, I'm just closed down.

[StuntGirl]

Ok so you have 2. How did you decide to go from 1 to 2? When you discussed it initially did he mention how many he'd like?

[HeySoulSister]

Ah right... Furious he won't engage with you, so you
don't know why he is saying no?

[INeverSaidThat]

It has to be a joint decision. If your DH really doesn't want another child then that's that really. Maybe you could wait a year or so and see what he thinks then.
I checked with my DH that he wanted DC's (in theory) before we started dating about a hundred years ago I wouldn't have married him if he knew he Idont want DC's.

[waterlego6064]

OP, I sympathise. OH and I both planned to have three children but he changed his mind after two and I felt gutted. I guess I was more fortunate than you in that my OH was at least willing to discuss it. Nonetheless, the discussion was exactly the same every single time, with my OH giving his reasons for not wanting more (and his reasons were reasonable, to his credit).

After many months, if not years of the same discussion, with me getting more upset each time, I realised that he really wasn't going to change his mind, no matter what I said. I gave it a few months without bringing the subject up at all to see if he would naturally change his mind but he didn't and ultimately, I had to accept his choice. It wasn't an easy time in our relationship but we came through it, and once the decision was made final (vasectomy), I found I was able to make my peace with the situation. I can still feel quite sad and envious at the sight of newborns but can accept that there are no more babies for me.

I hope your OH will change his mind, but if not, that you can make your peace with his decision. All the best.

[scottishmummy]

He has right to determine his family size and preference,you don't have automatic right to have more
I appreciate you have preference,that's fair enough.but you have 2 he's said that's enough
Why the hell would you want baby with man doesn't want any more?

[FarBetterNow]

Read LalaDipsy's thread.
They had one, he struggled to cope, she was desperate for a second, they had IVF and got twins.
Three DCs under two years old.
He is now really struggling and the marriage is falling apart.
Sometimes we need to think of the bigger picture.
You have (hopefully) a fantastic family - enjoy it.

[rhondajean]

YANBU that he won't discuss it with you.

[Iteotwawki]

YABU to be furious that he doesn't want another baby. As everyone else has said, he has as much right not to want one as you do to want one. It's bloody unfair that this is the one argument you can never compromise on - there has to be someone who gets what they want and someone who doesn't, and the person who gets what they want the majority of the time is the person who doesn't want more children.

However given that this is obviously something you feel very strongly about, he is being VU not to discuss this with you. Not with the view to changing his opinion, but to do you the courtesy of explaining why he holds that opinion. So yanbu to be furious that he won't discuss it.

[MortifiedAdams]

The one that doesnt want a baby trumps the one who does, imo. Regardless.of which one of you that is.

I couldnt have a child with someone who didnt want one.

[claudedebussy]

you've got to be able to talk about this, even if only to voice your opinion and feelings and for him to just listen and HEAR you.

[expatinscotland]

Did you agree on 2 and then you changed your mind?

[expatinscotland]

Could probably afford one more? And not as strong a marriage as it would seem.

You can either afford it or can't.

[YouBastard]

How many we'd like wasn't really a discussion. There was a point when DS2 was around 18 months that I got the distinct impression than DH was keen on another (It wasn't a discussion, more of a not being careful, cooing over babies type thing). I wasn't really ready to think about it at that point, but with hindsight, wish I had.

He says no because they are older, slightly more independent, he frets about space and doesn't want to potentially upset the status quo. He finds them quite stressful at times (as do I, occasionally!), and feels 3 would be a tipping point from fairly stressful at times to outright chaos.

Will answer more points soon, need to sort out dinner. Thanks for all your responses.

[scottishmummy]

Those are legitimate reasons he's given.you can't coerce or whine him into submission

[YouTheCat]

If he already finds 2 quite stressful, I can see why he doesn't want any more.

What if you went for it, after putting much pressure on him, and had twins? Then he felt unable to cope with the lack of space, marriage gets strained and ends?

What if you have a child with a disability (I have and it has been bloody hard)?

Be happy with what you have, OP.

[claudedebussy]

well as someone who wasn't that keen on 3 and now has 3 i'd really urge you to tread carefully here.

sounds actually, like you have had a reasonable discussion but you can't agree.

3 is a huge stretch. or it was for me and for the first 18 months i have struggled hugely. i don't resent the child because i love them and wouldn't be without them for the world. but the level of stress, workload and exhaustion has gone up massively. and i have healthy happy children with relatively few problems and worries.

so i'm afraid that i think it's better to have fewer children and cherish them than have more and have one partner really struggle. it's doesn't feel good for that struggling partner, believe me.

[RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie]

YABVU. Everybody else has said what I would have said, so I won't bother repeating them. I'm afraid you'll just have to accept it.

[LongingForLamu]

OP, I really feel for you. How awful that you will be denied something that feels so primal. One of you will have to compromise and come to terms with the decision. How that affects your marriage, only time will tell.

Very sad decision for both of you. I can't imagine my husband telling me that we couldn't have another baby. We often think about a 4th but always falter when we remember how fucking awful tricksy my pregnancies were.

On the flip side, I've seen two marriages fail recently because the menchildren husbands couldn't cope with the arrival of a third baby. One charmingly told his wife; "thought you were too old to conceive" so just played sexual roulette.

[yousankmybattleship]

You say he refuses to discuss it and just shuts you down but then you've listed his various (and valid) reasons for saying no so you obviously have had the discussion. Maybe he just shuts you down because there is no point going over the same ground.

[dadofnone]

If it had been the other way round and he wanted more but you didn't you would have had the final say.
It's like someone said before the one that doesn't trumps the one that does.

[scottishmummy]

Oh utter rot.no woman has right or entitlement to breed because she wants more
Pragmatically,one consider existing family size,partner preference,finances,desire to parent again
women have no absolute right to demand more babies,because broody.mature adults consider other partner wishes -and on this one the partner not wanting more kids gets final say

[myheadwillexplode]

Be glad you could have 2. Some of us will never have any children.