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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit pissed at DH?

46 replies

ScarletLady02 · 17/03/2013 09:26

Ok, I'll start by pointing out he doesn't make a habit of doing this....otherwise I would know IANBU.

He went out last night....said "I won't be out late etc etc". I had a feeling he probably WOULD be out late, so just said if he was going to be past 1-2am, just to give me a text and let me know, so I didn't wake up and worry if he wasn't back. He's probably stayed out later than 1am about 5 times in the 5 years we've been together, so it's not that I'm annoyed about.

I got a text about 3am to say he was at our mate's round the corner (who he went out with) and wouldn't be too much longer. He's still not back. He texted me at 7:30am to say he crashed (a lot to drink) and would be back in a bit. I don't really mind this. I trust him, I know he IS at our mates as he called me from his phone.

What I AM a bit annoyed about (I'm not quivering with rage or anything) is that he knows I don't feel that great, and he's going to be absolutely useless today helping out with our demanding toddler (I know people cope on their own, fair play to them, I can cope it's just a bit annoying). Also, he seems to think that by saying to me "You can go out next weekend if you like (I haven't been out in months)" that makes everything completely fine.

I know he wouldn't care if I was out all night and stayed at a friends, he keeps telling me I should go out more....but the point is, I wouldn't do that, I don't particularly want to. I wouldn't get so bolloxed that I know I'd be no use the next day, I'd feel so guilty about doing that. I feel guilty enough going out for a couple of hours.

I don't even know really why I'm annoyed. I think it's more that I wouldn't be able to do that and be OK with it, but he seems to think it's fine. He is great most of the time, and helps out with DD and housework more than a lot of people, so this isn't a major problem or anything.

AIBU to be a bit miffed? Should I go next weekend and then spend all day in bed on Sunday? I'm thinking of doing it Grin

OP posts:
Tee2072 · 17/03/2013 09:30

YABU It's not his fault you don't feel you can do the same, especially as he's told you to.

Not everyone's sense of responsibility (I think that's the word. I think there might be a better one but my brain is fried today) is the same. He sees nothing wrong with leaving you to your toddler, it's not his fault you don't feel the same about leaving him to it.

I would absolutely do it. Go out, get drunk, be hungover all day Sunday.

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 17/03/2013 09:33

You are probably right...I do struggle with the idea of being away from her, which I know is my issue. I worry that DH thinks I don't trust him with her when I absolutely do. If I go out, I constantly think I shouldn't be out, I should be at home...is that normal? It's hard sometimes to get your head around people not thinking in the same way as you.

OP posts:
Convert · 17/03/2013 09:35

To be honest as its once a year I wouldn't be too bothered. Why can't all of you have a nice lazy Sunday snuggled up on the sofa together? Order a takeaway for tea and just relax for the day.

AnaisB · 17/03/2013 09:37

It is normal - but not necessarily helpful. As a halfway house could you go out for lunch with friends or massage next weekend.

I think yab a little bit u but in a self-aware way.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 17/03/2013 09:39

I think on the whole YABU.

And You need to get over the sense of guilt and abandonment if you go out and leave your DD, it's a slippery slope and before you know it you've turned down so many nights out your mates don't bother asking any more.

pictish · 17/03/2013 09:45

Hmmm...I tend to be the one that gets bolloxed and writes off the next day because of the hangover in here. It's not often...maybe once every three to six months, but yeah....I would be your OH in this scenario.

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 17/03/2013 09:45

There is a night out we both wanted to go to next weekend, but we couldn't get a sitter, this is what DH is telling me to go to on my own (well not on my own, but without him).

I'm going to go...and force myself to enjoy it Grin

Ok, is this the shortest AIBU ever?

"AIBU?"

"Erm....yes"

"Ok then" Grin

OP posts:
pictish · 17/03/2013 09:48

And it's deffo not his fault if you won't go out anywhere!
He shouldn't have to curtail his scant social life just because you've got a touch of the martyrs.

You say yourself he wouldn't mind you doing the same...the fact that you don't want to doesn't mean he shouldn't.

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 17/03/2013 09:49

You're right pictish, I don't mean to be a martyr. I'm just in a bit of a depressed rut right now, and need a kick up the arse to get myself out of it....

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 17/03/2013 09:50

I don't know... I'm kind of over getting so drunk the next day is a write off.

I don't think it's fair on the children or the partner who ends up having to do everything the next day.

It just seems too high a price to pay for excessive binge drinking.

I wouldn't be especially cross, but I would be irritated.

Particularly as an all-night bender was not what was agreed.

ImperialBlether · 17/03/2013 09:54

I'd be irritated, too. You have little time as a family with him and I can see why you don't want to ruin a full day of the weekend.

MumOfTheMoos · 17/03/2013 09:56

He helps out with the toddler and the housework? Is he doing you a favour? They're a joint responsibility, aren't they?

I don't want to put two and two together and get five but it seems to me that one of you is where the buck stops and one of you isn't and feels they can go out and be useless the next day.

Who can say if it's you that has grabbed the spot where the buck stops or he's wandered off leaving you to it. But he has to understand what it's like to be in that spot and then perhaps he'll understand the implications for you when he gets so hung over he can't do his share.

I know it's hard to justify leaving your dc sometimes (when i first left my ds at a creche i felt so guilty but then i went shopping and it was great, so stopped feeling guilty - beside he has a great time at creche) but she doesn't need you there all the time and it sounds to me like your oh is not getting the opportunity to be fully responsible for looking after her for any amount of time. He needs to know what it's like to feel frazzled and still know your not going to be back for hours so he can't put off the boring bits until you get home! Let him do it, go and have some time for yourself and you'll feel less Confused and he'll understand what it's like to be in charge all day and how it's a little bit selfish to make himself incapable of doing his share.

As a mum your job is to make your dd feel safe and secure but you can't do that by never leaving her - she needs to be able to feel safe and secure when your not there (and he is her dad) - otherwise it's going to be a big shock when she goes to nursery.

I understand your frustration but I think you may be a little bit u as you're treating your oh like someone who can't be left to be responsible and therefore can't be too surprised when he's not.

pictish · 17/03/2013 09:58

Meh...I think doing that 2 or 3 times a year is totally acceptable. I do it, and given that it's so rare, I don't accept that it's a bad thing.

Lexiesgirl · 17/03/2013 09:58

YAB a bit U, but I do the same thing sometimes! It's very easy to feel sorry for yourself Grin DP will do this occasionally. I find I'm more bothered about the next day being a write-off with a hangover - when it actually never is. He'll be tired but he'll just get on with it.

Please please please do go out next weekend, and treat yourself to at least a long lie in, tea and a book in bed etc. Part of being parents is learning to split life like this. It's good that your DH is stressing that you should have an equal night out!

Original poster
ScarletLady02 · 17/03/2013 10:03

That's a completely fair point MumOfTheMoos. He is fine with her when I'm not there, it's probably just me being paranoid and stupid. I didn't mean he "helps out" he does do his fair share, and DD adores spending time with him. He's always trying to suggest I go for some "me" time.

I guess this post has just made me realise I have some "issues" that need dealing with.

He's never had her on his own for the whole day and/or overnight. Whereas I have quite a few times (when he's gone to visit family etc who are in London and I couldn't go). That's more down to circumstances etc though, rather than anything else. He just has had more situations where he's had to stay away from home, and I haven't. I think I might need to put something into practise so this happens....more for my sanity than his.

OP posts:
pictish · 17/03/2013 10:08

Absolutely...but make sure it's something you want to do. If your idea of a break is to go swimming, then out for lunch then for a browse around the book shop, for example....then do that!
Make sure you leave the house though, because if you're there, you'll just be tempted to interfere in the proceedings.

AThingInYourLife · 17/03/2013 10:09

Whether it's "acceptable" is of no interest to me.

I just think it's a bit shit and a waste of time.

I'm far more likely to do it than DH, but I try to avoid it because the costs outweigh the benefits.

Getting so locked I stay out all night and feel shite the next day while family life carries on around me makes me feel like an overgrown teenager.

pictish · 17/03/2013 10:11

It makes me think "I'll never drink again...but what a laugh!" Grin

AThingInYourLife · 17/03/2013 10:15

:o

I just can't really do it any more.

Each of my children stole a little bit of my party animal.

Now I have 3 all that is left is a tiny tame performing monkey I can wheel out for an hour or two before heading home at a reasonable.

JuliesSistersCousinsAuntsCat · 17/03/2013 10:16

I think YABU and I'm in exactly the same position! DP went out last night, first time since last summer, and crashed at a friends. I'd rather that than him wake me up at 3am when we have a young toddler. He got back at 8 this morning and is now sleeping it off.

Me and DS are off to see my family today so it affects me minimally that DP is hungover.

MumOfTheMoos · 17/03/2013 10:20

I know what it's like, nothing feels quite important enough to warrant leaving your dc but it doesn't have to be important tbh. Or you have to reset in your head what's important - have a think about what you really miss doing from your pre-dc life and go and do it.

It's not just about what you need though - your oh needs big chunks of time looking after his dd in order to really build intimacy - it's not the same when you're around.

I made sure my (to start with terrified) DH spent time alone with our dc from the start - think we'd been home from hospital a week when I left them for 2 hrs to go and have my back seen to. He is just not a practical person (I have to show him how to use anything mechanical first or he just wont use it) but I knew it was really important for him to be left in charge from the start (we're relatively old first time parents, I'm in my early 40s, he's in his 50s - I'm not sure if hat makes a difference apart from my conviction that he's a bit old not to be taking joint responsibility Grin which he does).

I have found getting photos on my phone of DS happy and playing (or sleeping, or eating etc) really sets my mind at rest and let's me relax and enjoy myself when I'm not with him.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot · 17/03/2013 10:25

As you have so willingly accepted YABU Grin

This is definitely something you need to work on - letting him be an equal and able parent. It is hard to 'be in charge' and 'look after them' when the parent who has more time with them is there (and often commenting if not actually criticising). Leave them to it more often (as your lovely sounding DH is encouraging you to) - go to a cafe & read a book, go out with a friend, book a day at a spa, go running - whatever floated your boat pre DD.

I have no doubt she's adorable and the centre of your world - but it is a grave mistake to allow caring for her 24/7 to be your whole world - for her and for you. It is not a crime to enjoy time spent doing other things x

Try to find a babysitter and go out together next weekend - that's important too - having fun as a couple and not only as a family.

anastaisia · 17/03/2013 10:34

Depends how bad the 'I don't feel that great' actually is I think.

If you're really not well and he's chosen to go get really drunk and be useless the next day instead of taking over so you can rest than that's pretty rubbish and YANBU at all (unless maybe it was a prearranged event rather than just a night out).

If you're pretty much okay though then you're maybe being a little bit unreasonable as it doesn't happen a lot (so long as he does take fairly equal responsibility for everything the majority of the time)

pictish · 17/03/2013 10:37

That's fair dos athing, but not everyone feels the same. Your tone has been a bit tight lipped about this issue tbh, and I'm not sure that's fair.

You're painting it as something worthy of scorn. It isn't - it's just a question of taste. We all have our own idea of a good time. I like to let my hair down now and then, and see people I don't normally get to see, owing to family commitments. I don't always want to socialise with a picnic in the park surrounded by kids. I want to talk to my friends about adult things and laugh and dance, and get a bit pissed.
Because I seldom drink, I always end up flattened the next day.

My dh is lovely...he lets me sleep it off, makes me coffee, takes care of the kids and laughs at all my stories about the night before. He gives me bacon. Grin

By contrast, he's not a social soul, but does enjoy hillwalking and mountaineering, which usually involves a whole weekend.

I wave him off gladly and enjoy the space to watch shit on tv, invite a pal round for a gossip and a bitch, and have Angel Delight for tea. Whatever.

This really needn't be an issue. It's nothing to suck a lemon over. Truly.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 17/03/2013 10:41

I would be miffed at the unplanned nature of it.

If I know I am going to be coping alone on a Sunday then I'll make suitable plans. Meet up with a friend in a similar position, organise to go and see my parents, make sure we have a good day out on the Saturday with lots of fresh air and exercise for the DCs so that if Sunday ends up being duvets and films then it isn't a disaster and we aren't climbing the walls.

Having that sprung on you by degrees at 3am and then 7.30am is not on, IMO.