AIBU to be a bit pissed at DH?

[ScarletLady02]

Ok, I'll start by pointing out he doesn't make a habit of doing this....otherwise I would know IANBU.

He went out last night....said "I won't be out late etc etc". I had a feeling he probably WOULD be out late, so just said if he was going to be past 1-2am, just to give me a text and let me know, so I didn't wake up and worry if he wasn't back. He's probably stayed out later than 1am about 5 times in the 5 years we've been together, so it's not that I'm annoyed about.

I got a text about 3am to say he was at our mate's round the corner (who he went out with) and wouldn't be too much longer. He's still not back. He texted me at 7:30am to say he crashed (a lot to drink) and would be back in a bit. I don't really mind this. I trust him, I know he IS at our mates as he called me from his phone.

What I AM a bit annoyed about (I'm not quivering with rage or anything) is that he knows I don't feel that great, and he's going to be absolutely useless today helping out with our demanding toddler (I know people cope on their own, fair play to them, I can cope it's just a bit annoying). Also, he seems to think that by saying to me "You can go out next weekend if you like (I haven't been out in months)" that makes everything completely fine.

I know he wouldn't care if I was out all night and stayed at a friends, he keeps telling me I should go out more....but the point is, I wouldn't do that, I don't particularly want to. I wouldn't get so bolloxed that I know I'd be no use the next day, I'd feel so guilty about doing that. I feel guilty enough going out for a couple of hours.

I don't even know really why I'm annoyed. I think it's more that I wouldn't be able to do that and be OK with it, but he seems to think it's fine. He is great most of the time, and helps out with DD and housework more than a lot of people, so this isn't a major problem or anything.

AIBU to be a bit miffed? Should I go next weekend and then spend all day in bed on Sunday? I'm thinking of doing it

I'm not painting it as something worthy of scorn, I just said I would find it irritating.

I find it irritating when I do it.

It just strikes me as a bit of a shit way to spend your weekend.

And I think it's OK to feel that way too.

There's no rule that says you have to be OK dealing with your children alone while your spouse nurses a hangover.

And I also think it gives a pretty shit message to kids if they know one if their parents is regularly unable to function because they drank too much.

I agree, Ali.

Aye...but life sometimes gets in the way of your schedule doesn't it? Happens all the time.

That's not life, that's just booze making you think you can do what you want and pass the consequences on to everyone else.

Well, luckily my dh doesn't grudge me a bit of it, so that's how we roll.
I wouldn't do it if we had big plans for the next day...I wouldn't spoil anyone else's good time...but if I know there's nothing much doing the day after, then I don't agonise over staying out till 4 and sleeping till lunchtime, before decamping to the sofa. I don't do it very often. He doesn't care.

Yeah, but if he did care that wouldn't be unreasonable of him.

If he thought it was all a bit irritating and put up with it grudgingly but wished you'd stop, that would be an OK response.

If he was feeling sick and you stayed out all night and presumed he'd cover everything the next day, it wouldn't make him some kind of ogre to be a bit pissed off about it.

And that's the point - the OP doesn't have to think this is OK.

If she's not happy to cover hangovers then that's up to her.

True.

I am mighty glad it's not the case with me though.

Thanks for the replies...and for being gentle with me

He got back just after 10, then proceeded to fall asleep on the sofa

I've been thinking about this a bit more and I think the reason I'm a little miffed is that I'm jealous.

We met on the rave scene 6 years ago. He was a DnB MC and I was a dancer and ran an internet radio station from my flat. I'd LOVE to be able to just go out, let my hair down and not worry....but something in my head is stopping me. I think the fact he can do it and not worry, just makes me realise what I'm missing out on. Therefore I am being totally unreasonable obviously.

To be fair, the "last minute"-ness (if that's even a thing) of it is a bit annoying. If he'd have said in the first place "I'll be out all night, back back tomorrow lunch-time" then I wouldn't be as annoyed...

Back to the "not feeling that great" point - I don't feel terrible....but my Sciatica has flared up and it makes running around after DD a struggle sometimes, so that's probably not helping my mood.

YANBU to feel a bit annoyed, I would too. But I don't think he's done anything wrong, although he could perhaps try a bit harder to anticipate if it's going to be a late one. :)

Are you from the UK by the way? Is it a regional variation to use "pissed" for "annoyed"? I think of "pissed off" as being UK English for annoyed and "pissed" as meaning drunk.

As the person far more likely to pull a stunt like this I wondered what DH thought if this.

He said he'd be fine as it wasn't a frequent thing.

But said he'd be pissed off at being texted at 3am that I wasn't coming home that night at all.

But if it was agreed in advance he'd have no problem.

I am from the UK...it is a bit of an Americanism to use the word "pissed" like that

I wondered if maybe in certain bits of Norfolk or Cumbria or whatever "pissed" has always meant "angry" :)

The last minute-ness is annoying. I like to make plans if I know DP is going on a big night out, I'll arrange to meet people the next day or something. It makes it easier. There's nothing wrong with letting your hair down but it is better if you can leave them alone for a few hours to stew in their hangover while you do something more fun than watch them!

I think as a pp has said-it's a waste of a weekend-plus leaves you with no help at the weekend.

And if you did it-would you be able to stay in bed/doze off all say whilst he did whatever needed doing with the house/kids?

I feel like I'm in some sort of alternate reality when people think it's normal and acceptable behaviour to write off a precious weekend (family) day off by getting trashed and staying out all night when you have a partner and child at home.

I've had a massive row with my DD today because she's been home for the weekend and last night got so drunk she doesn't remember getting home or waking us up at 2am throwing up (when DH had to be up for work at 6am) - I won't accept that behaviour from her and I certainly wouldn't accept it from my husband.

It's horses for courses, Bela. Yes, it's not ideal to write off a whole weekend, and I would be a bit miffed about it, but for a lot of people going out with their friends and letting off steam is also a very important part of their life.

Getting as drunk as your DD did last night is not great. But not everyone wants to spend every second of their time off work with their family, they also have other people in their life who they want to spend time with. And going out, getting drunk (within safe limits) and maybe crashing on a friends sofa is not unusual. DP and I both work f/t and our time with our baby is precious, but we both still occasionally want to go out and let our hair down.

YABU to confuse people by writing your title in American English. "pissed" means drunk, "pissed off" means annoyed. Asta luego.

I feel like I'm in some sort of alternate reality when people think it's normal and acceptable behaviour to write off a precious weekend (family) day off by getting trashed and staying out all night when you have a partner and child at home.

You ARE in an alternative reality though, because it's alterntive to mine. It's a simple case of to each their own. I have no guilt over losing one day 3-4 times a year to nurse a hangover. I'm a sahm...I see plenty of my kids, and on those rare hungover days that I'm not on duty, my dh gets to see plenty of them too. It's all good.

I have never equated having kids with never doing another all nighter again, lest I waste a precious family day. I see enough of them thanks.

Yes, I have acknowledged the confusing Americanism...I didn't think it would confuse as you can't really be drunk "at" something.

There's nothing at all wrong with the way you wrote your title - some people just need to get out more

I can understand why you are jealous of his ability to let his hair down when you struggle to do that these days. However, I think you could build up to it :) He & DD need to spend time alone, they will develop a much better bond if they do that and you will feel more comfortable about leaving them to go and let your hair down. Start with small things and build up - go out to the shops, have a coffee and stay as long as you are happy, go to the pictures with a friend - have a drink after, spend the night at a friends - just get your life back, you are your DD's Mum & your DH's wife - but you are still YOU and are still entitled to have a part of your life that is yours - you don't have to be with them 24/7 to be a good wife & mum x

YABU. I got in at 6am, had a few hours sleep. DH took kids out and we've just watched a film all cozy on the sofa.

I probably party every couple of months and I don't feel guilty at all.