AIBU or is my mum, re pocket money for trip?

[loopyluna]

DS, 13, is really, really bad with money. He gets £5/ month pocket money, his phone contract and youth club fees (about £6/ month) from us. The pocket money is no-strings attached and ge can "earn" more by doing extra chores (he never does.)
He spends it all on sweets and energy drinks after school.

We're going to Florida in April so my DDs (younger than DS) both decided to save all of their xmas and birthday money for this. DS bought an x-box with his and has frittered away what was left.

My mum then gave them each $150 for the holiday -problem solved

Now, DS has a 3 day trip to a theme park with school. I told him I would give him £20 and he would have to try to save or do some jobs for the rest. (Obviously he thinks £20 is far too little for 3 days, although DD was more than happy with the same amount for a week long ski-trip...)

I really want him to start learning the value of money and to be a bit more sensible.

Yesterday he smirked at me and said that Grandma is going to give him his spending money for the trip so he doesn't need to do any chores!

I am not impressed at all. Obviously my mother just thinks I'm being mean and unfair.

AIBU re pocket money? (Obviously I don't think I am but will stand corrected if everyone here tells me I am.)
Also how much pocket money is reasonable for a 13 year old on a 3 day school trip?

[shewhowines]

I too had a saturday job from age 13. I wonder if that has anything to do with our attitudes.

[ukatlast]

YABU How many energy drinks does 5 pounds a month buy?

[ukatlast]

Maybe you should let his Grandma pay his weekly pocket money at a realistic higher sum if you really can only afford 5 pounds a month.

Kids are 100% paid for as members of our family but pocket money such as it is, is linked to doing homework without a fuss. This has worked for us.

[idshagphilspencer]

How do you expect your DS to learn to manage money if he only has £5 to last a month? You are setting him up to fail.

[ivykaty44]

your mother is playing a dangerous game - he know knows that he asks and she gives him money.

So leave it at that, he wants money you explain that he will have to sort out his own money - bank of grandma open today?

[BellaVita]

I too had a job at 13 as does my DS2 now.

Still think OP's DS needs more money and be responsible for his own iTunes/Amazon.

[mrsjay]

speak to your mum even if you have to have 'words' your son is taking the piss and has granny wrapped round his little finger did he give her a quivery lip sob story bet he did you want him to earn some money for his 3 day trip and that is what he should be doing your mum has over stepped the mark IMO tell her nott o give him any money

[ENormaSnob]

Yanbu at all imo.

What about the many families that can't even afford a fiver a month, are they tight as fuck too?

My ds is nearly 13 and doesn't get a set amount. We pay for all trips, both school and with friends, xbox live, all clothes, toiletries, hair cuts etc. He also has the opportunity to earn extra by doing chores, although keeping his room clean and doing the pots occasionally are done anyway.

I think your ds has a bad attitude and your mum is making this worse.

I would be very cross.

[mrsjay]

I think your ds has a bad attitude and your mum is making this worse.

I would be very cross.

that

[livinginwonderland]

£5 a month for a 13 year old isn't enough. i know you pay his phone bill, but that leaves him with £1.50 a week - what do you expect him to save from that? that won't even buy a magazine a week, let alone give him some money left to save for a game or a dvd, it would take him months.

i also think £20 for three days at a theme park is also not enough. they're expensive! meals at zoos/amusement parks are often over £10 per meal, and that's just something like a burger, chips, a coke and maybe another snack at the end of the day.

[DowntonTrout]

I think there are two issues here. Your mum should not just dole out large amounts of money- Christmas and birthdays accepted.

However you are BVU to expect him to save from £5 a month. You say he "wastes" this on sweets and energy drinks (work of the devil IMO) but realistically how much can £5 buy? One drink a week ? Chocolate bars are 60-75p each.

To put it into perspective my DD 11 gets £5 a week which has no constraints- if she chooses a snack or drink at school everyday that's fine, but if not she has a money left over to save. If you give him £5 a month there is no opportunity to save. It is a false lesson. Better give him more and get him to use it for treats, like cinema etc, then he has a choice. Save or spend.

School trips- well IME schools usually set a suggested amount. I would go with that or over, as I would not want my DC to go without. DD always has £20 in her purse for emergencies, it is not to be spent. She knows this and doesn't use it.

[DowntonTrout]

Accepted? Excepted!

[Floralnomad]

I would say that you need at least £10 per day on a school trip , but would probably send more in case of emergencies . If your son knows that dear old granny is always going to come up with the goods he will never get any better with his money or do extra to get more . He's a teenage boy ! Personally as long as granny would willingly do the same for the other children I can't see the problem with it ,and it sounds like she would so no issue in my opinion.

[Skyebluesapphire]

I think that teenagers need to understand that money needs to be earned, not just given freely. If they don't want to work, then they don't get any money. Simple. Nobody has a right to anything, just because they want it.

I have seen far too many members of XH's family get into debt because they must have everything that they want or everything that everybody else has.

My DD is only 5, but I dont anticipate giving her a weekly amount of pocket money for quite a few years yet.

[mrsjay]

I agree with you skye i wasnt one for handing out money willey nilly to mine it doesnt come on a plate or grow on tree imo , DD is now working and really good with her wages and saves ,

[Floralnomad]

skye I have to disagree , my eldest has never had pocket money and has never done chores for money , he asked when he wanted something ,always had a £5 in his wallet for emergencies ( or chips!) .if he asked for money and we felt it was inappropriate or unnecessary he was told no,he rarely did . He got a Saturday job at 17 ,because he wanted one ,not because he needed the money .He is now in his second year at uni , which we pay for ,still has his job and for the last 2 years has filled his ISA allowance . He lives at home pays £100 a month towards the car insurance ( shares the car with his dad) and funds his own social life . He is the last person who will ever get into debt because he is TIGHT . Maybe he is the exception but it works for us . Neither of my children have ever asked to move over to an allowance system and neither of them waste money on sweets and crap .

[ByTheWay1]

What do all these kids spend their money on????

My DD (12) gets £5 a week and has to pay half her phone top ups (stops her going wild with the phone) which probably takes up £2 of that... she has a doughnut at school on Fridays - treat day - for 70p and saves the rest for taking to town in the school hols.

We don't give money for general chores - if she doesn't do any work round the house, she gets no screen time - so she willingly does work round the house..... if she does something special - last week she ironed and hung up her uniform - she gets a couple of pounds extra.

She has £10 in £1 coins in the bottom of her bag for emergencies and has used it once.

[wonkylegs]

I think the OP is fair enough
Yes it's not a huge amount of 'free' money but he has the potential to earn more which he chooses not to take up. Hes 13 he can understand this. This should be teaching him the value of money and if he was at all savvy the opportunity to negotiate. Unfortunately granny is undermining this however it may not be intentional therefore a quiet word is probably in order.
Treatment between siblings should be broadly equal otherwise it breeds resentment.
The lessons you learn about money as a child will shape how you treat it as an adult. We have a generation that is going to find life hard and teaching them lessons about money in the context of pocket/trip money is something every parent should do. Otherwise when they grow up they are likely to learn them harshly and without the safety net of their families. I know when I'd prefer my child to learn about money.

[ohnosnow]

My ds now 15, has done a paper round since the week he turned 13. He earns £20 a week he gets up at 630 rain or shine and earns his own money. (We are very proud of him)

We put £10 on his phone a month and pay for a weekly club he attends, and buy most of his clothes.

He saves £5 a week towards a car for when he is older (his choice nothing to do with us!) Saves another £5 for something big he wants ie new guitar and spends the other £10 on cinema, sweets drinks out etc.

I do think it is wrong what your mother has done, and I would be reluctant to hand out money to him though if he is not willing to work for it, will not help him in the long run.

[Stinkyminkymoo]

I think £5 pcm is mean. I know you said you pay for his iTunes and other bits, but I would stop paying for the little bits like that & increase his pocket money so he can learn to budget for things he does want better. You'll probably find you save a bit of money too by not spending all your money on his crap.

YANBU in regards to your DM, she shouldn't be undermining you and you need to speak to her and emphasise how it's not helping him learn about money & respect.

[diddl]

I think that 20GPB for a three day trip is fine tbh.

My daughter is about to have 5 days away & the top limit-agreed between parents & school is ?20

Bearing in mind that they arrive at the destination at lunchtime on the Mon & leave at 10am 0n the fri.

All food & drinks are included.

So it's for sweets/snacks/extra drinks.

I do agree that 5GBP isn't a lot-perhaps he'd like to give up his phone if he wants more??

[diddl]

Forgot to get to the point-if your mother didn't give the others spending money, then she shouldn't give him either.

If he's not willing to earn extra, then he needs to make do with what he gets.

And if OP can only afford 5GBP-well that's that.

[Hattifattner]

Friends of a friend pay their teen a similar amount as OP. This teen now runs a lucrative sideline in dealing cannabis. His mum says he only needs £5 and "He doesn't really spend it" .

Our ds, 13, gets £35 a month paid monthly into a bank account. He also gets a phone and we pay all his youth and sport club fees.

I think if you want to teach him the value of money, you have to give him more to value! So he can learn to save up, so he can learn to be more responsible for himself, so he can go and hang with his mates at the movies or MacD's.

By giving him so little, what chance does he have to save up £50 for his school trip - it would take nearly a year, and not many teens could delay gratification that long.