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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to issue dh this ultimatum or is he for holding these views?

30 replies

ARabbitCalledRosco · 15/03/2013 14:21

namechanged but long standing poster.
I am a sahm of two children, one of whom is severely disabled both of them are in school full time although dc with sn does have regualar hospital appts/ meetings during the school day
Sn child has very poor sleep patterns and regularly begins the day in the middle of the night. I deal with the night wakings seven days of the week.
I am however a shit housewife, the children eat homecooked food are clean, have clean clothes and are given a huge amount of love from me. The house itself tbf is a tip, not filthy dirty, lots of professionals in and out and no concerns raised by anyone.
Dh works ft out at eight in by five. I have never expected him to do any work/jobs in the house and once he is home his time is his own, pretty much!
He pays our small mortgage, water rates and council tax. Everything else I pay for out of ctc, cb.
Now we get to the issue - sorry it's taken so long but don't want to drip feed!
Dh smokes a lot of cannabis, I used to smoke it myself ftr, but not for years now.
His alcohol consumption is also way out of control,this and the weed smoking has been a huge issue for a number of years and dh has always planned to give up but never actually does.
He makes spliffs when the dc are around and gets annoyed if they disturb him this came to a head last night when i roared at him that I am fed up with everyone walking on eggshells around him and that he at least should wait till the dc are in bed, this was about 6ish and he had just been to the off licence,again.
His retort to this was that I am a fat lazy cow who does fuck all and I am being bang out of order. He buggered off to the pub last night and we ignored each other this morning although he was slagging me to dc(no sn) who is now upset :(
I think I am right, although after years of this kind of behaviour I do doubt myself.
Other than becoming some kind of domestic godess The house is not going to be a pristine place and really I cannot be arsed (I also have longstanding depression and lead a very isolating life)
Speak to me rationally please but be gentle, I know it's just words on a screen but I am a bity fragile atm
AIBU?

OP posts:
Mehrida · 15/03/2013 14:25

Yanbu that his behaviour is terrible. But what umtimatum did you give him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/03/2013 14:28

He skins up in front of your DC. He slags you off to DC.

LTB.

WestieMamma · 15/03/2013 14:29

He's supposed to be you partner. Home and family should be just as much his concern as yours. My husband works 6am till 8pm every day and still comes home and helps with the housework/does the shopping/cooks dinner. He also pays for everything and makes sure I have enough cash for me and my daughter (who is 19) before he spends a penny on himself. (He felt guilty last week because he had to spend £300 on dental treatment for himself)

Your husband is taking you for granted and not treating you well at all. :(

Rosa · 15/03/2013 14:29

Sorry but it is wrong of you to put up with it. WHat he is doing ( as well as killing himself) is partly illegal and should not be even in the family home with children.

Bobyan · 15/03/2013 14:30

Drugs and kids, no fucking way.

LTB

catlady1 · 15/03/2013 14:31

YANBU, he is being totally ridiculous. Yes he works full time, so do lots of people, they don't all come home and get drunk and smoke illegal drugs around their children and shout abuse at their wives.

monkeysbignuts · 15/03/2013 14:33

Big hugs. Sounds like you are having a very tough time and need support from your husband.

He needs a good kick up the arse tbh

noblegiraffe · 15/03/2013 14:33

He's in at 5 but does fuck all around the house? Why not? If anyone is coming across as lazy it's him.

Does he actually add anything to your family other than mortgage payments? Smoking illegal substances around your DC and slagging you off to them are complete deakbreakers IMO.

Mishaps · 15/03/2013 14:34

I think it is time to say goodbye.

AuntieStella · 15/03/2013 14:35

YANBU: feeling as if you are walking on eggshells is a huge red flag for a dysfunctional and possibly abusive relationship.

The substance abuse is appalling, especially on premises where children are present. Slagging you off to the DCs is reprehensible. And I'm ready to bet these are not the only examples of utterly selfish, blinkered, entitled behaviour.

Do you ever get a break? It might be good for you to get away, even if only briefly. And have a think about whether he has any redeeming qualities, or if (and how) you could go it alone.

ivanapoo · 15/03/2013 14:36

Wow, he's putting his drugs before his family. Not cool. The ££ he spends on it would have me fuming too.

Why isn't he helping when he comes home? I am on mat leave at the moment. My DH will either hold the baby or cook dinner/ do cleaning etc while I hold him. And he's out of the house 2 hours longer than your DH (not boasting just giving you an example of what other partners might do).

Having said that what do you do while the children are at school - are you catching up on sleep? Maybe he just needs to understand what you are doing with that time better as it could seem like you're just enjoying your freedom.

I don't put much store in having a spotless house but a real tip can be stressful to live in so maybe you can tackle it together and use his spliff money to pay for a cleaner

YouTheCat · 15/03/2013 14:38

I bet your working day is a hell of a lot longer in actual hours done than his.

If he's not prepared to act like a grown up, throw him out. You will be happier. Your kids will be happier and it'll be one less 'kid' to worry about.

Suchaballsup · 15/03/2013 14:39

If he wasn't smoking weed and getting pissed he'd be able to pick up the slack. I'm an ex weed smoker and life is so much easier so many levels but that's probably the last thing he will see.

My DH hates being around stoned people. It makes you completely emotionally unavailable and lazy! He shouldn't be stoned when the kids are awake and he's completely normalising it by skinning up around them.

You do need to have a serious chat with him, but no wonder you're depressed. Thanks

Original poster
ARabbitCalledRosco · 15/03/2013 14:41

Sorry the ultimatum was that I do not want weed in the house or around the children. He doesn't smoke in front of them and goes outside.
He is all I have ever known, was my first boyfriend and we have been together for twenty years.
He won't leave if anyone has to it will be me and the children, it's all a mess really but involving the children in our domestic disputes is so very wrong, I know that.

OP posts:
GregBishopsBottomBitch · 15/03/2013 14:43

YANBU, and hes an arse, rolling up around his kids, what would the idiot do if one of them found his cannabis and ingested it, that'll be a SS case, and both of you in the shit, because even though you dont do it, you are aware he does it in the house.

Sorry but hes gotta go.

LadyPessaryPam · 15/03/2013 14:44

ARabbitCalledRosco you sound like a great Mum. You are doing a good job, proper food, clean clothes and home and lots of love for the children. A bit of mess is normal in most households. Your DH is totally out of order here. Can you share with us what benefits he brings to you and the children please?

WallyBantersJunkBox · 15/03/2013 14:45

YANBU - he could get quite a lot done between 5 & 6pm in terms of helping around the house, then you could both settle down to eat and enjoy the evening. I often find if my dh is motivated and doing stuff, I get motivated too.

He doesn't really care though does he? Cannabis is more important than his family.

No wonder you are down and letting things slide.

Does his entire salary disappear on the bills you mentioned? He could be using that money from cannabis to pay for a cleaner couldn't he? What's he spending - £50-60 a week, that would pay for a 4 hour clean.

The trouble is you accepted him as a cannabis used from the beginning, so it's possibly going to be difficult to U turn on this now, if he doesn't even care about hiding it from the kids.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 15/03/2013 14:46

You are right....he is an arse!!! He sounds absolutely appalling both as a husband and father.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 15/03/2013 14:46

YANBU

He on the other hand, is an arse.

You work much harder than he does, much harder. My DH works a much longer day than yours, and does an awful lot more to help out with our DCs.

Suchaballsup · 15/03/2013 14:47

He will have to leave - especially if you involve any of the professional agencies you deal with.

I agree with the PP who doubted these were the only examples of terrible behaviour. If he is so unreasonable as to skin up, smoke and slag you off to the kids, I wonder whether he will listen to reason ...

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 15/03/2013 14:47

Maybe the house would be tidier if he gave you some back up rather than spending his time off his face or behaving like a spoilt brat.

Suchaballsup · 15/03/2013 14:51

Sorry - skin up and smoke in front of the kids

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/03/2013 14:52

Have a think about what will happen if one of the kids acts out rolling a spliff at school...

ivykaty44 · 15/03/2013 14:55

He can be made to leave, it is up to you whether you want that to happen or not. You have to decide whether you want this to continue or put a stop to t as at the moment he can do as he likes and he knows that so continues to do as he likes.

Of course he attacked you he knew and knows what he is doing is wrong and you voiced what he already knows so the best form of defense is to attack and call you names and behave the way he did.

LilyAmaryllis · 15/03/2013 14:59

Well he's been rude and horrible to you.

You are completely NOT being unreasonable to ask him to skin up out of sight of the kids and to smoke outside. This is for their health now, and also to try to ensure that they themselves don't turn into smokers. (Children of smokers are more likely to start smoking themselves.) So this is an issue in isolation to anything else he might want to argue with you about. Can you say this is for the children's health now and in the future?

I think the out-of-control alcohol consumption would worry me a lot.

Really difficult, you need respect! Where is the respect, we ask ourselves... I hope you can find a way to talk to him about being respectful not rude.