Aibu to issue dh this ultimatum or is he for holding these views?

[ARabbitCalledRosco]

namechanged but long standing poster.
I am a sahm of two children, one of whom is severely disabled both of them are in school full time although dc with sn does have regualar hospital appts/ meetings during the school day
Sn child has very poor sleep patterns and regularly begins the day in the middle of the night. I deal with the night wakings seven days of the week.
I am however a shit housewife, the children eat homecooked food are clean, have clean clothes and are given a huge amount of love from me. The house itself tbf is a tip, not filthy dirty, lots of professionals in and out and no concerns raised by anyone.
Dh works ft out at eight in by five. I have never expected him to do any work/jobs in the house and once he is home his time is his own, pretty much!
He pays our small mortgage, water rates and council tax. Everything else I pay for out of ctc, cb.
Now we get to the issue - sorry it's taken so long but don't want to drip feed!
Dh smokes a lot of cannabis, I used to smoke it myself ftr, but not for years now.
His alcohol consumption is also way out of control,this and the weed smoking has been a huge issue for a number of years and dh has always planned to give up but never actually does.
He makes spliffs when the dc are around and gets annoyed if they disturb him this came to a head last night when i roared at him that I am fed up with everyone walking on eggshells around him and that he at least should wait till the dc are in bed, this was about 6ish and he had just been to the off licence,again.
His retort to this was that I am a fat lazy cow who does fuck all and I am being bang out of order. He buggered off to the pub last night and we ignored each other this morning although he was slagging me to dc(no sn) who is now upset :(
I think I am right, although after years of this kind of behaviour I do doubt myself.
Other than becoming some kind of domestic godess The house is not going to be a pristine place and really I cannot be arsed (I also have longstanding depression and lead a very isolating life)
Speak to me rationally please but be gentle, I know it's just words on a screen but I am a bity fragile atm
AIBU?

YABU to expect so very, very little of him. He works FT (many would love to be out at 8 back by 5) , pays what could be significantly less than half the household bills (hard to tell but since you are paying food and power these have both increased greatly over recent years), has no domestic responsibilities. You could almost be his mother, not his partner, with that set-up.

YANBU over the weed.

I think I am right, although after years of this kind of behaviour I do doubt myself

^^this from the OP - please don't doubt yourself. I hope all the posts here have given you some confidence that you are right in thinking is behaviour is wrong.

Have you thought of moving this to relationships (not that everyone here hasn't been supportive - you might get some practical advice too)?

He sounds horrible and I'd wager that if you got rid of him it might well go some way towards alleviating your depression. YANBU.

I doubt very much that you will find a single person on here who thinks its a good idea to stay together. That's easier said than done but if he hasn't kicked the habit in 20 years hon, he's never going to. Get some legal advice, have some counselling and make your exit plan. You are doing everything on your own anyway. Life will be easier without him

I'm sorry that this is not what you want to hear but please leave him.

I was in a very similar position to you 4 months ago. I split up with him and moved house and am immeasurably happier.

He is a hindrance not a help and he clearly does not give a flying fuck about you or the kids.

Please, please think carefully and act soon.
One of my childhood friends nearly lost their kids after their 6 yo dc started explaining to the kids in the playground how you make a spliff.