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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have left him?

32 replies

VanitasVanitatum · 15/03/2013 13:08

Will try to cut a long story short! I had been with ex DP for 6 years,he is 11 years older than me, divorced with two amazing DDs, my DSDs, who I love.

We had always talked about getting married and having kids, I was unsure at first because of the age gap, and whether it would be fair to his DDs if he had another family. He was always sure it would happen, we would grow old together whatever happened.

Fast forward to last summer, when I started talking about when we should think about marriage /kids. He jokingly said he thought he was past that now; several serious discussions later, we established that he doesn't want more kids. He would have kids, for me, but he doesn't want them.

I do not think it would be right or fair to home, to the kids, or to me, to have babies.

So I have moved out, moved in with a friend. He didn't want me to go.

I am so sad, lonely, even when my friends are all round me, miss him so so badly.

Did I make a mistake? I'm scared I've left it too late to meet someone else and have kids, I'm 29 next month..

Sorry it's so long, and sorry if this is the wrong thread, I just want aibu type answers..

OP posts:

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 15/03/2013 13:11

29 is not old. Not at all. You will find someone who wants the same things that you want.

kinkyfuckery · 15/03/2013 13:13

Why do you think you are "too old" at 29?

YANBU to end a relationship with someone who can give you what you want/need.

PureQuintessence · 15/03/2013 13:14

No, 29 is not too old to find the right life partner. He has led you on for 6 years, letting you think you wanted the same things. Good on you for realizing this was not the case and moving on!

Purple2012 · 15/03/2013 13:14

I think you need to decide what you want more.

I met my husband when I was 35, he has a daughter from his first marriage. We cannot have children together. I had to make the choice of him without having a child of my own, or waiting to see if I met someone else I loved and wanted children with.

Ultimately I love my husband and couldn't imagine not being with him so not having a child is something I have to live with.

It does get me down at times, that's natural. But I don't regret being with my husband.

WileyRoadRunner · 15/03/2013 13:14

29 is not too late.

Only you can make the decision as to whether you want him or children more. Lots and lots of people do what you have done, even after years of marriage, when they realise their need for a family of their own.

Other people decide to forego children for a relationship with someone they love.

Please do not think you are too old though, don't go back through fear of the unknown, only go back if you can reconcile not having children and will be able to overcome an feelings of resentment.

Fwiw I also think if your DP has been open to the thought of having babies all may not be lost.

janx · 15/03/2013 13:14

My friend was in exactly the same position and she was 35! Fast forward 10 years she is married with two children. I had my first child at 39! You are still young

Gruffalump · 15/03/2013 13:16

Poor you. What has his response been?

It's a shame he didn't tell you earlier. ..

My dh is significantly older than me with two older children and we have two toddlers. It can work.

It sounds as if you have taken the decision out of his hands somewhat by moving out. If he would rather have children with you than be without you, would that make you go back? Or does he need to independently want children?

I'm not suggesting you have done the wrong thing, but sometimes it's worth exploring further, it's such a big decision either way.

Good luck.

LadyPessaryPam · 15/03/2013 13:16

You are not too old at all. I don't know if you have done the right thing or not but I can't imagine you would have left without feeling strongly about it. It takes real strength to recognise a bad situation and remedy it and I suspect that in a couple of years you will be glad you did. So the very best to you VanitasVanitatum.

StuntGirl · 15/03/2013 13:17

29 isn't too old at all.

Do you want children or this man more? Make your choice off that.

maddening · 15/03/2013 13:19

You still love him so it must be so hard.

If it were me I would have discussed having dc more -from your op he didn't sound completely off the idea.

Fwiw you sound v strong to have made the choice you did.

catgirl1976 · 15/03/2013 13:21

29 is not too old

I had DS at 35 - that's 6 years away for you

Not having children when you do want to is a big sacrifice and one I think you would live to regret if it was not really what you wanted

What you have done takes courage and it will feel lonely for a while but I am sure you will meet someone who wants the same things as you

As stuntgirl says, it is for you to decide which you want more, him or children, but it sounds like you have made that choice already

sleepsforwimps2010 · 15/03/2013 13:24

im so sorry that sound really difficult.
but you wouldn't be happy without trying for a baby and it would have become a source of resentment causing you to split eventually anyway.
and if he gave in? would it be fair on the baby growing up 'unwanted' by one parent....
(my mum spent whole childhood feeling she'd 'spoiled' things for her dad)
you do have time to start over and shouldnt give up on what you want! x

LibertineLover · 15/03/2013 13:25

firstly 29 is not too old to go on to find love.

However, you said at first you were unsure about having children? Did he convince you? Or did you just change as your relationship went on?

How much do you want children really?

It's a real shame you are both suffering without each other, but if your heart is set on having kids of your own then that's a deal breaker.

FWIW though, my DP ummed and ahhhd loads about us having our first, then again with our second, we did it anyway, and he wouldn't be without them now :)

Hope you find a way forward.

ItsallisnowaFeegle · 15/03/2013 13:36

I met my partner when I was 29. I didn't think I wanted anymore children (dd is a teenager) and was up front with him from the beginning.

Fast forward 2 years and I had a total change of heart when I found out I was pg. I had DS in December, I'm 32 and I certainly don't feel too old.

You are not too old. I'd not shut the door on this man if he's willing to discuss a baby. Some people (me as a prime example) love the way life turns out, when you believed it'd be on a completely different path.

He may say that he doesn't want them but he most definitely would, I'd bet, should a baby become a reality.

Original poster

VanitasVanitatum · 15/03/2013 13:38

Thank you so much for your replies. I don't feel strong right now that's for sure! I have always known I wanted children, it wasn't something I considered not doing, I just wasn't sure it would be right with him because his kids live across the channel, so he spends every other weekend with them (very good relationship with their mum) and I didn't want him to feel torn, or them to feel not his priority. He is a fantastic father, involved in their lives daily, all be it by phone/Skype.

I realised a couple of years ago that it would be worth all the difficulties because I loved him so much, and his DDs, even though we only have them here in school hols.

To be fair to him I think he didn't know he didn't want them until I faced him with the reality of a time scale.

I know what you mean about him not being totally against, but if I persuade him I feel like he might end up resenting me? Even though he would unquestionably love our dcs totally.

OP posts:

GlassOfPort · 15/03/2013 13:38

Another one here who had a child (at 40!) with a DH who was not too keen on the idea and now loves his DS to bits.

Our compromise was to stop at one. Would that be something you could explore?

LibertineLover · 15/03/2013 13:41

It's hard to say not knowing him. But I would have thought it unlikely for him to love the DC and resent you? Talk to him,if you're really that miserable, bet he is too.

(this is a very nice AIBU so far )

2aminthemorning · 15/03/2013 13:43

Why not freeze some eggs? That might take the feeling of pressure off you a little.

2aminthemorning · 15/03/2013 13:43

Sorry, just realised I've barged in! Should have read the thread...

Original poster

VanitasVanitatum · 15/03/2013 13:49

Sorry his response has been to be incredibly nice about helping me move, he still texts daily and sends pictures of our dog or drops her round for visits. He cried when he dropped off the last of my stuff and when he drops off the dog he hugs me so tight it hurts.

This is an incredibly nice aibu, especially because I'm a long way from my mum and my sister has emigrated so trying to be all tough, you lot made me cry at my desk! Own office luckily :) thank you, I am definitely taking on board that I am not too old, it really is reassuring.

OP posts:

Original poster

VanitasVanitatum · 15/03/2013 13:50

2am you didn't barge in! I hadn't thought of that but in a couple of years if it's still just me and the cats I think that's a good idea..

OP posts:

LibertineLover · 15/03/2013 13:51

I was 39 when I had my DD, it's great to be an older Mum, I didn't meet my DP til I was 27, we had our first when I was 34. Whichever way OP, you're going to be just fine :)

VoiceofUnreason · 15/03/2013 13:53

OP, how sad for you. You're getting good advice, but I do want to pick up on this response from another poster:

"29 is not old. Not at all. You will find someone who wants the same things that you want"

I know from personal experience that this sentence should read "You SHOULD find someone" or "You will PROBABLY find someone". I know two people who left a partner for reluctance of wanting kids (and both had been open about it from the word go and the wives assumed they would change their husbands minds).

In both cases, they were single at 30. One is turning 36 next month and has been single, a few dates aside, in all that time, and she is both lovely and attractive. She now wishes she hadn't left her husband and she feels she would rather have been childfree but with a man who utterly adored her. The other is also still single and similarly wishes she could put the clock back.

All I am saying is be as sure as you possibly can that the POSSIBILITY of having a child with someone else (or on your own) is worth giving up the CERTAINTY of a lovely man and stepchildren for.

WileyRoadRunner · 15/03/2013 13:54

It sounds like he loves you very much OP... Could you talk to him more about all of this?

ItsallisnowaFeegle · 15/03/2013 14:03

I doubt very much he'd resent you OP. If he said he'd have children for you but doesn't want any more, that is prime for saying that if he loves you that much, and is such a great father to his DC then he is a man who will adore the children you have (may have) together.

As I mentioned, I didn't want another child but the universe (& an antibiotic) decided otherwise and I adore my baby and the man who allowed me to remember this love again.

Please speak with your DP soon. He sounds like a wonderful man.

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