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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No phone call or text

28 replies

babysbreath · 15/03/2013 12:18

My DC has been unwell over the past four days. My MIL had to come over to our house on Wednesday so was aware that my DC was unwell. When MIL went to leave she was quite aware that my DC had got worse since she first stepped into the house.

As a GM don't you think she could of phoned or texted to see how my DC was? I find it amazing that I've received no communication from her. She only sees my DC when it suits her, which I suppose is fair enough.

I feel so sorry for my DC, as my MIL never seems to think of her. She will only buy her Birthday and Christmas presents, never anything in between. I know she doesn't have to buy gifts but a little something now and again would be nice.

Now taking deep breaths Smile as rant over.

OP posts:
givemeaclue · 15/03/2013 12:22

I wouldn't expect a grandparent to call and ask about a child with a minor illness to be honest. I also wouldn't want presents on A more frequet basis, nice that she kites locally and can see dcs regularly but perhaps don't expect a lot more?

mmmuffins · 15/03/2013 12:24

YABU.

givemeaclue · 15/03/2013 12:26

Lives not kites!

MerryMingeWhingesAgain · 15/03/2013 12:26

I think you have very high expectations TBH.

I don't call to check on unwell children either, unless it was something very unusual/serious.

What presents are you expecting in between birthdays and Christmas? Confused

50BalesOfHay · 15/03/2013 12:31

How is your daughter now? It would have been nice if she'd enquired but I suppose she could have thought that if she became seriously ill then you'd be in touch. Have you given her an update?

I'm a grandmother. The eldest two live with us. The youngest doesn't. I sometimes have the little one and we see him regularly, but I don't organise my life around him; things has to fit my life as well. So I only see youngest DC when it suits me (and DS and DiL, we all have our own lives). My DiL finds that totally normal

It hadn't occured to me (or, as far as I know, DiL) that I should be buying presents other than birthday and Christmas. Do you get MiL a little something now and again?

Either YABU or I'm a crap grandmother and MiL

Icantstopeatinglol · 15/03/2013 12:32

Yanbu. I think you're being reasonable to think a grandparent might actually want to know how their grand kids are? We have the same here. My dm is fantastic and we are close and she always likes to know how they're getting on and if they're not well even more so but mil doesn't bother at all. She didn't even bother at Xmas cos she was in one of her huffs. I just don't understand how some people can go about life not interested in their family.
I know as a grandmother in the future I will hope to be like my dm as I've seen how mil's behaviour has affected my dh.
However, it doesn't affect my dc as they get everything they need from us.

NinaHeart · 15/03/2013 12:36

YABU.
You seem to have a very fixed idea of how yo expect a grandparent to behave and have a rant when she doesn't live up to these (I think, quite high) expectations. I think the "presents between birthdays" bit is actually pretty out of order. Sounds to me as though she is fulfilling all her GP "duties" very well.

Why don't you call her to give her an update on your child?

Sugarice · 15/03/2013 12:39

My MiL never phoned to check up if any of the boys were ever ill and I didn't think anything of it.

She never bought presents either apart from the obvious occasions, again not a big deal and we never expected it either.

YABU.

Maebe · 15/03/2013 12:43

Depends on what's the normal level of contact between you. I talk to my parents regularly, they look after DC regularly, so in that situation yes, I'd be slightly put out if they didn't call or text because that's what they have done every other time.

MiL though? No chance, even if she knows DC is poorly.

If your MiL doesn't regularly keep in touch then it is a bit much to expect her to get in touch. And she's not psychic and doesn't automatically know your DC is getting more poorly. Though I know when your DC is poorly it can be hard to be calm!

Expecting presents other than at Christmas and birthday is a bit much, though. Why should she?

freddiemisagreatshag · 15/03/2013 12:48

YABVU

quesadilla · 15/03/2013 12:52

I think people have very different levels of interest/attention for stuff like this. My dad (who is self entered and borderline asbergers), will almost never ask about dd's health unless its very serious - just not how his mind works. He would never enquire about a sniffle. My MIL (who lives on the other side of the world, thankfully) will make a point of calling long distance if DH mentions that DD coughed in the night. Neither are ideal but on balance I prefer my dad's approach. I find the endless focus in very small health issues by MIL drags me down. I just think you have to recognise that a minor illness in an otherwise healthy child isn't high on most people's attention thresholds.

atacareercrossroads · 15/03/2013 12:52

Yabu

quesadilla · 15/03/2013 12:52

Self centred (self entered sounds a bit rude.)

lljkk · 15/03/2013 12:55

I would think it was a little suffocating if she phoned to check, tbh. No news is good news and all that.

To ask in passing or to phone up for a chat & ask after the child in the general conversation, fair enough.

Pancakeflipper · 15/03/2013 12:56

It all does depend on your relationship.

Is she getting info from her son about your child? Maybe she thinks you are busy and don't need texts from her to add to all you have to do?

The present thing? I am not sure how old your child is, perhaps when your daughter is older and has particular interests your MIL may spot something and buy it because she thinks your child would really like it.

She might not be a buyer of goods for buying stuff sake?
Perhaps she cannot think of anything to buy as you might appear to have everything you need?

Do you get on with her? Do you like her? she might not want to text you because she senses you don't really like her much so keeps a wide berth from you.

livinginwonderland · 15/03/2013 12:59

yabu. why should she buy your DC's presents between their birthdays and christmas? surely if your child was really ill, you'd call her, so i'm pretty sure she has no reason to worry as you haven't done that.

Booyhoo · 15/03/2013 12:59

she left on wednesday. it is only friday lunchtime. are we talking a cold? D&V? chickenpox? those things usually run their course and unless they take an unexpected turn the child is fine after the 'normal' (for that illness) amount of time. i'm sure you would have informed MIL if DD had taken a serious turn that she needed to be concerned about. otherwise it is just normal childhood illness that will be gone and forgotten in a fortnight and no-one will remember dates or times or who called or texted. and nor should they. it is a non issue in the grand scheme of life. i think, relax/unclench/lighten up.

Booyhoo · 15/03/2013 13:02

and it is quite grabby to expect other people to buy your DC gifts for no reason. related or not, no-one is under any obligation to treat your child if they dont feel they want to. if you feel your child is lacking in gifts between christmas and her birthday then YOU treat her.

Original poster
babysbreath · 15/03/2013 13:08

My DC is on the mend, but not 100%.

Well it seems that I ABU, but I really can't get my head round how she doesn't ever think of her GC.

Talking to friends, their parents/PIl like to spoil their GC. A bag of sweets would be nice, I am not talking about big elaborate presents.

She seems to be permanently attached to her other GC, as she sees them all the time.

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 15/03/2013 13:14

ah. i see.

fwiw. i've been sick all week and my grandmother hasn't called to ask about me either Sad Wink

freddiemisagreatshag · 15/03/2013 13:16

If I'm sick my mother doesn't even phone to see how I am and she doesn't buy me presents unless for birthday and Christmas either Wink

Seems to me that your real issue is that she's seeing more/doing more/more interesting in her other GC?

IHeartKingThistle · 15/03/2013 13:19

Yanbu.

Original poster
babysbreath · 15/03/2013 13:22

Thankfully my DC hasn't realised that his GM is more interested in his cousins. I don't like favourtism but she is like that with her children.

OP posts:
Booyhoo · 15/03/2013 13:34

is your DC a boy or girl Confused

SarcasticMrKnowItAll · 15/03/2013 14:37

My Mil calls me for hourly updates on the DC when they are unwell (even if its just a cold). So I would say, be careful what you wish for! Grin