Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to not want to delete these photos on Facebook?

40 replies

ArielRedHead · 15/03/2013 00:22

I've been with my partner now for just over a year and we have been living together for the last two months.

Last night he asked me would I delete the photos of my ex and I on Facebook. I was slightly surprised as I had no idea what he was really referring to.

Anyway I went on my account today, and looked back through my old albums and old profile photos and there are photos of me and ex partner. I had kind of forgotten about the photos to be honest.

I probably will delete them as there is no point arguing over it. However to me I just don't put that much emphasis on Facebook and by deleting these photos it's almost like deleting the past and pretending it never happened.

I'll never get back with my ex or even want to but he's a part of my past which I'm not ashamed about and I don't hold any resent towards him.

Aibu? Or is my partner?

Would like some opinions.

OP posts:

MagicHouse · 15/03/2013 00:28

I think if was a happy relationship that ran its course, then there's no reason you should delete them, and he should accept that.

squeakytoy · 15/03/2013 00:35

You dont need to delete the photos at all.. just make them private to anyone on facebook, or keep them on your computer.

However, I would be a bit pissed off with someone trying to control my past in this way too.

WorraLiberty · 15/03/2013 00:35

Why not just make them visible to you only?

I guess FB is the modern day equivalent to walking into your lounge and seeing photos of you and your ex hanging on the walls.

If you'd be happy to keep them there, then fair enough.

If you'd take them down, then make the photos so only you can see them.

TheCraicDealer · 15/03/2013 00:41

Don't delete them before finding out categorically why he wants them gone. Does he worry about his friends seeing them and passing comment? Does he think you've kept them as a "link" to your ex?

Most people have the odd picture of their ex somewhere online, unless it was a dramatic or painful breakup. The fact he's worried about this suggests he's got underlying concerns about being compared to you old partner in some way.

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/03/2013 01:38

Sorry but I would laugh loudly at your dp.

Its a very childish petty thing to ask someone to do,and any photos taken before he was seeing you same as any actions before he came along are nothing to do with him and not for him to pass comment on. Everybody has a history why should you have to pretend you don't.

LadyApricot · 15/03/2013 06:00

Some people are just more sensitive than others I think. Just take them off, he doesn't want any reminders of him!

livinginwonderland · 15/03/2013 08:51

you can't ask people to delete their past like that! even if you delete the photos, what does it achieve? you still dated this man and have the memories, it won't really achieve anything except make him feel like he's in control!

nethunsreject · 15/03/2013 08:55

I would not delete them. I think that's a bit odd of your dp. Is he insecure?

samandi · 15/03/2013 08:55

Of course YANBU. Your DP is being daft but, if you're not that bothered by it, I guess it might be easier to delete them.

NotTreadingGrapes · 15/03/2013 08:55

Does he think you'd never been kissed till you met him? Aw, bless. He must be very insecure/a leedle bit controlling.

I would smack dp with a shovel if he made me do that.

MagratOfStolat · 15/03/2013 08:56

...And this is how it starts... Please don't take this as "gospel" and think he might start doing this, but I had an ex who asked me that...

He was lovely and sweet, and so after 6 months when he requested that I remove any photos from Facebook that had my ex in them, I just did it. didn't want to start an argument over something that seemed so trivial.

Over the 9 months we were together after that incident, he progressed to removing groups that he didn't approve of, removing some of my "likes" because they weren't identical to his and removing events that I'd already RSVP'd to because he didn't want me going there without him receiving an invitation too. He then tried to convince me that I should remove all of my male friends and any gay female friends from Facebook out of respect for our relationship, and I was no longer allowed to see any of them.

He was out on his arse after that one, but not before he got a good punch in and almost broke my nose.

Don't let him dictate anything like that to you. You may see it as fighting over the little things, but if he's anything like my ex he'll push the line further and further until it's not little things you're fighting about but huge, abusive, life-changing things.

Just... be careful OK? :)

eggso · 15/03/2013 09:02

I made my DP delete pics of him and his ex. As my friends got to know him and added him on Facebook, its natural to have a flick through their stuff. Its a bit weird seeing loads of smiley holiday snaps of you and your ex!

There's a massive difference between knowing what your partner did and who with and looking at actual photos. If you don't want them to be deleted just make your album private!

eggso · 15/03/2013 09:05

margrat that sounds awful but please don't scare this woman into thinking just because he doesn't want to look at photos of her ex that he's going to become abusive. Some people are normal and just don't like having it rammed down their throat! I don't think its an indicator he's going to become physically abusive!

maddening · 15/03/2013 09:06

I have pics of exes but they are tucked away in box. These were all pre facebook though.

I have albums that dp can look through but pics of my exes aren't in them - I wouldn't throw them out but I wouldn't put them on display either.

eavesdropping · 15/03/2013 09:09

I'm married and still have albums on FB of holidays with exes! I've thought about deleting them, but then that is like denying those holidays ever happened. Mind you, DH hasn't said anything to me about them - if they did bother him, I would delete them in a heartbeat.

eggso · 15/03/2013 09:14

Its not denying they ever happened though. They're in a public place and if your DP doesn't want to see them/his friends to see then you should respect that!

rach6122 · 15/03/2013 09:20

If they bother him and you don't mind taking them off then I don't see the problem, I wouldn't like itif my husband had photos of him and his ex on there all loved up for everyone to see I suspect many wouldn't...

Fakebook · 15/03/2013 09:25

Depends on what kind of pics they are. Lovey dovey pics I'd remove, but normal pics I'd keep. I don't have this problem because Facebook came out when DH and I were together so I've only ever had pics of him and me and then the sprogs.

CooEeeEldridge · 15/03/2013 09:27

If this was the other way round, and the man had pictures of him with his ex, you'd have loads of posts telling you he was in the wrong!

Personally, I think it depends how prominent they are. Saying that I was looking at a friends pics the other day, and she has pictures of both her weddings on there, both were in Facebook time (I.e last 4 years) so natural to put on, but I did think it was a little odd..

I think that I'd perfectly understand my new partner not wanting to see happy pics of me and ex, it's fair enough to keep them in a box somewhere but FB also means any new friends of his you get, will also be having a good nose! As someone up thread said, I'd set them so only I could see them.

fedupofnamechanging · 15/03/2013 09:27

I don't think it is unreasonable for him to feel a bit funny about this. I wouldn't want to see pics of my dh with someone else and I don't think it is controlling for him to ask for them to be removed.

Nagoo · 15/03/2013 09:33

adjust the privacy settings so he can't see them that's a compromise isn't it?

I plan to scan in a load of old photos, there will be lots with my ex in. I don't want to hide them. DH's ex burned all the photos he had from before her. That's rally odd behaviour in my book. You can't erase the past.

IneedAsockamnesty · 15/03/2013 09:34

Eggso, just because you did it,does not stop it being controlling and quite a good indicator of insecurity. That in some people can be a good indicator of someone who is going to become quite isolating.

Obviously not always but they do all start with something small.

OhDearieDearieMe · 15/03/2013 09:43

I find this so odd. So all of you saying OP should delete the pictures - would you also tear up printed pictures? This IS about control and the very idea that someone would wish to attempt to eradicate your past to soothe their insecurites does not sit well with me

rach6122 · 15/03/2013 09:55

Printed pictures are not up for everyone to see................

rach6122 · 15/03/2013 09:57

Jealousy is a natural feeling in my opinion and a little of it I think is quite sweet, doesn't mean he is going to be abusive, some people are far too dramatic

Flip

1 2