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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think her reasons are poor and be upset?

37 replies

cleoowen · 14/03/2013 23:14

I've known my friend for 10 years and thought we we're close friends. She was a bridesmaid for me. But since leaving uni we see each other every few months without talking in between but when we do meet up it's like we saw each other yesterday. But I have always felt the effort is on my part despite her saying she values our friendship and I am one of her best friends.

So, I had a baby 13 Weeks ago and she had not visited yet. I told her by text I was upset by this and her excuse was she has been really busy. When I asked what with she said ofsted, birthday parties,play dates, swimming lessons and her brother being ill.

To me apart from swimming and,her brother these are poor excuses. I thought she would have prioritied us over a playdate. I understand she is busy and,has a,t year old and works full time but is she really so busy she cannot come for 13 Weeks? I have other friends in this situation and they have visited or steady phoned.

I am not sure what to put in the next text in response. I don't want to get into an argument but feel like a walk over. I have had many friends where the friendship has been one sided, me making all the effort but have lost friends when I have called them up on things. I don't have many friends because of this.

What should I respond with, if anything? And,am I being too demanding?

OP posts:

LovingWINE · 14/03/2013 23:20

It's sad but everything changes when you have a baby...it changes and displaces all your relationships. Often they settle after a while, and if they don't something better will come along. I know how you feel, but try not to worry.just focus more on things that make you (and baby) happy.x

Original poster

cleoowen · 14/03/2013 23:37

I know is different after having a baby but I still try and find.the time and I am not expecting her to visit /call every week. I feel she would make the effort if she really cared. She finds the time to visit/speak to others.

OP posts:

complexnumber · 14/03/2013 23:42

All those reasons you quoted could be quite viable (esp. Ofsted).

How far apart are you?

bedmonster · 14/03/2013 23:45

I think you do sound very demanding as a friend, though I understand why as you have previously been close.
But when you asked her what she'd been busy with rather than coming to see you and the baby I cringed. It seems pretty clear you aren't at the top of her list. Take the hint and leave her to it.
It's sad to lose friends but how far do you chase?
I am a person who recently cut a good friend out of my life for being too needy. I felt like she was questioning my schedule when she asked when we could meet up. Every bloody weekend.
So I'm probably not the right person to take advice from. But Congrats on the new baby. Enjoy :)

MidnightMasquerader · 14/03/2013 23:46

I probably wouldn't reply to that, but instead just leave the ball in her court.

You'll know where you stand after that, depending on whether she gets in touch or not. She knows you're disappointed with how things are and so if she doesn't now make an effort, that's your message loud and clear.

Jinsei · 14/03/2013 23:46

Are you for real, OP? You sound very demanding! Or is this a reverse aibu?

Turquoiseblue · 14/03/2013 23:47

If she has ha da baby she might be understanding too and leaving you a bit of space - she probably remembers how busy it is with a newbie. I think working full time with sick family member and all the other reasons sound like valid reasons. It doesn't mean she doesn't care, has she called / text you in that time ?
Honestly working full time the weeks can just fly in and weekends full up just as quickly.
I would be concerned of she didn't say 'gosh is baba that old now - cant wait to see him/ her lets see when will suit us to call.....
She probably does have lots of other things going on in her life - it doesn't mean she thinks less of you. I think give her the benefit of the doubt and maybe text or call her ad see if she would like to make a time to meet so you can show off your lovely new bundle !!

WinkyWinkola · 14/03/2013 23:50

Does she have children of her own? I

I too would be hurt but you can't force people to be interested. You really just have to leave it. There is nothing at all to be gained or salvaged by kicking up a fuss.

Letting it go is hard but in five years you will be so glad you didn't chase it. Let it be.

impecuniousmarmoset · 14/03/2013 23:50

If she lives down the road - that's pretty poor. But if she lives 3 hours' drive away, that's different and it's not unreasonable for her not to have found a weekend to come over and visit yet if she has a busy life. A new baby is a wonderful thing, but it will still be wonderful in a month or two's time. Remember that your life has changed unrecognisably, but hers has not!

Jinsei · 14/03/2013 23:54

But this is not a friend the OP sees regularly, they meet up every few months and don't usually talk in between. If the friend works FT and has her own kids and a sick brother, is 13 weeks really such a long time to wait before seeing the OP, who she only meets occasionally in any case?!

impecuniousmarmoset · 15/03/2013 00:05

In fact thinking about it, one of my closest friends gave birth in November. I still haven't seen the baby, because she lives the other side of the country, and life gets in the way. It says nothing about how keen I am to see the baby in question, just a lot about how manic life is for all of us. Luckily it is a second baby so the mother is not quite so, erm, on the ball about how quickly people turn up to admire her precious bundle of joy.

PurpleStorm · 15/03/2013 00:12

How far away does she live?

That makes a huge difference to how reasonable it would be for her to have visited in the last 13 weeks. And it may just be that she's had a very busy few months, especially with working full time and having her own kids.

Has she phoned you since the baby arrived?

Jinsei · 15/03/2013 00:27

Yes, did she acknowledge the baby in any way OP? A card for example? Bit crap if not, but again it might just be that she has been busy and didn't realise how long she'd left it.

Original poster

cleoowen · 15/03/2013 07:57

Thanks all, some different views. She lives 45 minutes away so not too far and I agree distance is a factor. I have another friend who lives over 3 hours away so it is different that she hasn't seen him.

My friend has a 2 year old.but goes to see friends who live further away. Now I,have a child I know,how busy it is but,if the roles we're,reversed I would have seen her by now.

Yes, she sent a card and present when he was first born and a,text which said about arranging to come down but that was other two months ago.

I didn't ask her what she was so busy with she hadn't seen him, she said she's been really busy and,it's all going on here and,I asked why,what was happening?

General opinion is I am being too demanding. Although not like asking her to drop everything and rush down but to me 3 months is along time to let go by and other friends in same situation have managed to visit. But will just leave the ball in her court.

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 15/03/2013 08:02

I think you are in that place a lot of new mothers are at; your child is the most important thing in your life.

That's not true for everyone else in the world.

You are 100% allowed to be hurt, of course, feelings are always valid.

But her excuses aren't really excuses. They are simply her life continuing as it has before you had a baby.

And why shouldn't it?

BlueStarsAtNight · 15/03/2013 08:15

I think YABa bitU - do you expect her to cancel plans like birthday parties/playdates etc that she has made for her own dc's enjoyment, so that she can come and see you? Working full time I'm sure her weekends are very precious and she probably ends up having things booked in a long way in advance.

In the grand scheme of things 13 weeks isn't actually that long.....maybe she's just getting on with her life until you actually invite her for a specific day? Most people i know have said they will let me know when they want to see people after baby arrives, so there isn't pressure of too many visitors etc. It's only my very best friends that I would be saying "when can I come" to fairly soon after! Maybe that's what's going on here?

natwebb79 · 15/03/2013 08:18

I can assure you that having a toddler and dealing with Ofsted is not a poor excuse. We had Ofsted last term and my life was pretty much consumed with it leading up to it, especially the week they were in. I would say you're being a bit demanding to be honest.

natwebb79 · 15/03/2013 08:20

And as BlueStars says - working full time with a small child the weekends are soooo precious. By the end of the week I just want to cuddle up with OH and DS. It does mean that I haven't seen a lot of friends for a long while but priorities change.

MammaMedusa · 15/03/2013 08:20

Ofsted not a viable excuse!??!!! Have you not read anything in the papers ever about how all-consuming getting ready for Ofsted is, and how exhausting it is?

chanie44 · 15/03/2013 08:27

This thread could have been written about me.

I work full time with two young children and when I get in from work, we only have a few hours before bed. Weekends are spent doing the chores we can't do during the week and spending time visiting family. Plus I'm tired, I need to rest.

I think when you are on mat leave you have a lot of free time that you can forget that others don't have that time. If you live 3 hours away, that's the whole weekend gone.

Original poster

cleoowen · 15/03/2013 08:39

She doesn't live 3 hours she lives 45 minutes.

Plus, I am not completely wrapped up in my own life and baby. I told myself I wouldn't be like that and now I have a baby I realise how all consuming it is.

I did think she was one of my best friends and,I was one of hers that's why I thought she would have made it down by now. Other friends I am not so close with have been down. So yes, guess I thought she might have arranged to come and see me before arranging play dates. She can come down and,back in one afternoon and,as said wasn't expecting her to drop everything to rush down. I just thought having a baby is a important milestone in your,life and so thought a special effort would have been made like it is for other events like hen parties, weddings, 30ths and her dads funeral.

Ok will follow advice and,leave it there. She knows,I am upset.

OP posts:

znaika · 15/03/2013 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

cleoowen · 15/03/2013 08:45

Mamma, as an ex teacher I know what ofsted is like so yes guess,is valid reason but feel like she always has an excuse as to why she's not been in touch. We've had a couple of holidays off school too so feel she could have found,the time.

OP posts:

GirlOutNumbered · 15/03/2013 08:49

Perhaps you could go and see her? Maybe she feels she is always making the effort?

GoodtoBetter · 15/03/2013 08:52

She's got a 2 year old, she's 45 mins away, she's had Ofsted and her dad's died and you're wondering why she hasn't had time to come and visit in 13 weeks? She sent a card and present, it's not like she's ignored you, is it? Sounds like she has a LOT on her plate right now.

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