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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think her reasons are poor and be upset?

37 replies

cleoowen · 14/03/2013 23:14

I've known my friend for 10 years and thought we we're close friends. She was a bridesmaid for me. But since leaving uni we see each other every few months without talking in between but when we do meet up it's like we saw each other yesterday. But I have always felt the effort is on my part despite her saying she values our friendship and I am one of her best friends.

So, I had a baby 13 Weeks ago and she had not visited yet. I told her by text I was upset by this and her excuse was she has been really busy. When I asked what with she said ofsted, birthday parties,play dates, swimming lessons and her brother being ill.

To me apart from swimming and,her brother these are poor excuses. I thought she would have prioritied us over a playdate. I understand she is busy and,has a,t year old and works full time but is she really so busy she cannot come for 13 Weeks? I have other friends in this situation and they have visited or steady phoned.

I am not sure what to put in the next text in response. I don't want to get into an argument but feel like a walk over. I have had many friends where the friendship has been one sided, me making all the effort but have lost friends when I have called them up on things. I don't have many friends because of this.

What should I respond with, if anything? And,am I being too demanding?

OP posts:

tomverlaine · 15/03/2013 08:54

I think that if you normally see each other every few months then presumably there is a reason for it- eg thats what works for your schedules- and just because you have had a baby doesn't mean that she can rearrange everything- and with all the extra stuff on her plate it just might not have been possible. I have a 3 year old myself and i seem to be much busier and unable to visit friends than I have ever been before..

jerrykyle · 15/03/2013 08:57

She works ft , is your situation like that normally too op? If no why cant you go to her?

DoJo · 15/03/2013 09:00

I was feeling fairly sympathetic until you compared the importance of seeing your baby with her dad's funeral? Does that really seem like a comparable event? If it makes you feel any better, my son is 1 and one of my brothers has never met him. I wish he had found the time, but it's not the end of the world.

Original poster

cleoowen · 15/03/2013 09:22

I did work full time before maternity leave yes. Her dad died a couple of years ago. I was only mentioning it because we have always met at important times in our lives and I kind of thought this was one in mine. Although, not the be all and end all so as said wasn't expecting her to come immediately but thought something would,have been arranged by now.

I could,have gone to see her but feel I make all the effort and I am trying to get to get to grips with the baby myself so it is normal that person comes,to see you. I've not even had a how you getting in text. If she can find the time for play dates,and other peoples,birthdays why not for me? Just coming for an afternoon would,have been fine by me, not expecting her to cancel swimming lessons and come the whole weekend. She could,have come in the school holidays.

OP posts:

HorryIsUpduffed · 15/03/2013 09:34

Reading between the lines, any chance she's ttc#2 unsuccessfully and finds babies tricky? When I am in that zone I find it very difficult to be enthusiastic about other people's babies (resentment, jealousy, etc) so visiting one would be pretty low on my list, particularly if working all hours and trying to fit in quality time with toddler as well, let alone ill family.

Prioritising play dates over you is a bit of a red herring. The play dates are for her child's benefit, not hers. So actually she's prioritising her child over yours, which is completely normal and right.

Thirteen weeks feels like a long time when you're the parent; to the rest of us that's "since just before Christmas" which feels like no time at all.

I'm sure she isn't meaning to be hurtful. I'm sure she will get to you when she can - Easter holidays might be a good bet - so long as you don't make her feel too guilty about it.

Original poster

cleoowen · 15/03/2013 09:43

Thanks guys. Ok, have put it into perspective. Yes, you're right about the play dates and yes, she should prioritise her child over mine.

Still feel hurt but seems does have lot.on her plate.,she mentioned the Easter holidays to meet up so hopefully we will meet up then

OP posts:

LemonPeculiarJones · 15/03/2013 09:50

Aw well done for taking the responses on board OP.

Is there a possibility she's been TTC and she might have difficult feelings about meeting your baby?

Btw I think it's natural to feel how you feel. But it doesn't mean she doesn't care about you - it does sound as if she has a lot on her plate.

A friend of mine didn't even text or email when I had my DS - just vanished - he is no longer a friend. So a gift and a card and text seems a good acknowledgement from her. Hope she visits soon.

Turquoiseblue · 15/03/2013 21:30

well if you want to see her why are you acting like a queen in waiting - invite her!! I m sure then you can firm up a date and time that will suit you both.

Before you had kids did you always make that same level of effort ? You dont know what implications her brother s illness has had on her life or if she s under stress or if her ds has had any illnesses she felt she couldnt visit a new baby withb- simply there are any no of reasons and she did send a gift and call when babs arrived. It does appear that youa re being a bit precious. But yes you ve let her know you re upset. All you can do now is choose to get on with your own life and deal with the disappointment of her lack of action. Is she a good enough friend you could have it out with ?

CloudsAndTrees · 15/03/2013 21:58

You are being over sensitive. She has shown you that she cares by sending a card and a present.

GW297 · 15/03/2013 22:04

Ofsted is categorically a one hundred percent bona fide reason to cancel and post pone everything! It is definitely not a poor excuse by any means. Your friend will have been under so much stress and pressure, especially if she's in senior management.

GW297 · 15/03/2013 22:09

I can see your point of view though. I would probably feel the same. She may be expecting you to go to her or organise something perhaps if that's how it's traditionally always been? Why not text her something like my baby can't wait to meet you and I am looking forward to seeing you soon for a catch up. Let me know some dates over Easter that suit you and hopefully I'll be free too for you to pop round for coffee and cake...

GW297 · 15/03/2013 22:11

Also, if you don't have many friends don't risk alienating or loosing touch with the ones you do have especially if you've known each other for over ten years and she was your bridesmaid. Friends are very important. I don't know where I'd be without mine. I'll stop posting now - three posts is quite enough!

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