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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if people judge single mums for not working?

776 replies

PigsCanSoar · 14/03/2013 22:56

I have a 11 m/o, and am a 22 year old single mum. I have handed in my notice to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet. He has always been very clingy, he will happily go off and play with anyone if I am there, but as soon as I leave the room he will just cry and cry.
He is also still breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, and ideally I would like to let him self wean up until 2.

I have no doubts about this being best for DS, and am planning to stay with him until 2 then look for a job again, but I just feel a bit anxious about actually telling people this, as since he was born it seems to have been constant "so when are you going back to work then" off everyone.

I am very lucky to be back living with my mum, so money isn't much of an issue as this will just postpone moving out for a bit.
So there's no necessity to leave him before he's ready, but I just feel like I'll look "lazy" for not going back yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 15/03/2013 23:56

Wow I wasn't expecting this many replies. I'm at page 6 at the moment, so will do a reply now then read the rest otherwise I'm going to forget earlier points.

To the people suggesting childminding - as I am living with my mum, I don't think she'd appreciate me setting up a business in her home!! But otherwise I would look into this. I do look after a 4 and 2 year old about 6-8 hours a week, but this is very much as and when their mum needs a break rather than a formal set up.

As regards to leaving the job making it hard to find another one, I have thought about this, and work has kept me on their books and said to check with them about any vacancies before applying anywhere else, but childcare is a much easier sector to find work in than many others due to a high turnover with job changes, more children joining, and maternity leave.

I do think some people commenting about "living off benefits" don't actually understand how the benefits system works. You are always worse off on benefits than at work. At minimum wage (which childcare pays) you will receive the same amount of benefits while working under UC as you would not working, and bear in mind under a certain amount you don't pay tax on a wage so you aren't necessarily contributing either, just costing "the tax payer" more in childcare support.

OP posts:
Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 00:04

Vivienne "Not everyone who works thinks it is their duty to support the choice of a single parent to remain at home with no means of fiancial support for themselves or their children."

As far as I'm concerned living with my mum and using my savings from working along with the benefits that I would be receiving whether working or not working isn't having "no means on financial support." If I was living in a council house paid for by the government, having never worked, with no savings and no intentions to work again, then I might see your point.
But even then, why is there no responsibility put on fathers to pay 50% of the childs cost after they loose interest and decide to carry on with their lives, rather than "15%" of whatever wage they declare, if CSA manages to get through whatever avoidance they try.

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 16/03/2013 00:16

I'm a single mum and when DS was little (I was 35 when i had him) left a rather demanding job up the City in which I would have had to be out of the house at 7.30am and not return until 7pm at the earliest, most of the time it was about 10.00pm.

For me, personally, being with DS in his infancy was far more important. I went to college one day a week to retrain in something to do with childcare where they had a creche and worked a couple of mornings a week in a playgroup.

I probably have the work ethic ingrained but I put my DS first.

Basically, no I wouldn't have done absolutely nothing.

Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 00:19

Phosphene Fri 15-Mar-13 16:58:16
So what do you do when things don't work out with your mother and you can't support yourself financially without a job?

In that case noone should ever be a SAHM, what if it doesn't work out with their partners/husbands?
I think there is a far greater chance of a relationship breaking down, than my mum who has brought me up and known me my entire life suddenly deciding to chuck me and her grandson onto the streets...

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 16/03/2013 00:23

There's no reason though why you can't keep your hand in is there knowing full well that you are a single parent? Go and train for something if you don't have a skill for when your child is a bit older.

ClippedPhoenix · 16/03/2013 00:30

I'd also advise any woman to keep something going, even if it is for a few hours or to learn a new skill just in case.

You never know what's round the corner.

And you OP, knowing full well that you are a single mum would be well advised to equip yourself.

Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 00:31

Clipped, I'm qualified in childcare, and don't want to change careers so random training isn't really needed.

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Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 00:32

I am doing a few hours "work" for the family I used to nanny for at weekends/evenings during pregnancy, but it's 6-8 hours on average a week so not really a job, and my DS can come along so it's not an issue in that sense. But other than that I can't think what a few hours would help with?

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scottishmummy · 16/03/2013 00:34

Why are you presumably fit active employed adult choosing to be unemployed on benefits

ClippedPhoenix · 16/03/2013 00:35

So go and find something that you can take your child to also. Or keep up with it then.

Standing on your own two feet is very advisable.

You won't be able to live with mum forever and you are 22 not 16.

eavesdropping · 16/03/2013 00:40

She's not choosing to be unemployed, she's choosing to be a SAHP. There's a big difference. The state doesn't class a SAHP of an under 5 as unemployed, hence why she wouldn't be claiming JSA. Why is this so difficult for you to grasp scottishmummy?

sneezingwakesthebaby · 16/03/2013 00:46

Scottishmummy, can't you read? Her reasons why are all in the OP.

ClippedPhoenix · 16/03/2013 00:47

I personally did 24 hours a week in a job that I could take my son with me to and went to college. I'm an advocate of not doing anything full time until the child is 2. Son is 15 now but I still want to be home most of the time by 5 or 6 the latest and get him off to school in the mornings.

But keep up with your childcare training OP, it's tough out there and probably going to get tougher.

scottishmummy · 16/03/2013 00:47

Op,giving up her job by choice.its not hard to grasp it's what she said
No job shell be unemployed in receipt of benefits,by choice
I'm wondering why

ClippedPhoenix · 16/03/2013 00:49

I gave my job up by choice too in order to look after my son. I made a compromise as I didn't want anyone else looking after him full time and going into the childcare industry showed me I was damn right.

scottishmummy · 16/03/2013 00:52

Were you a ingle mum too Phoenix?

sneezingwakesthebaby · 16/03/2013 00:54

"I have handed my notice in to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet".

That is why. Its all in the OP. I know its not hard to grasp what she's said which is why I am wondering if you can read as she has said why she is choosing to be unemployed.

ClippedPhoenix · 16/03/2013 00:55

I'm obviously not going to say what I do but let's say out of a place that looks after kids in whatever capacity, there maybe on average 20 staff believe me when I say there's probably only 5 or 6 that interact with the children in a way that I would class suitable. It's appauling.

It's regimented and cold in these places most of the time.

eavesdropping · 16/03/2013 00:56

Not having a job doesn't automatically make somebody unemployed. If you're not claiming JSA and are not included in unemployment statistics, then you're not unemployed.

Some examples for you:

My 2 year old DD isn't unemployed, because she is a child.
A student isn't unemployed, because they are in full-time education.
A pensioner isn't unemployed, because they have retired.
A SAHP to an under five isn't unemployed, because they are caring for their child.

Do you understand now?

scottishmummy · 16/03/2013 00:56

Yea and? that's not compelling reason to give up work to claim benefits

ClippedPhoenix · 16/03/2013 00:57

Yes Scottish I've practically always been a single mum. I'm 50 now and my DS is 15.

sneezingwakesthebaby · 16/03/2013 00:58

So what if you don't find it compelling? You're asking why she's left work and her reason is right there. Dearie me.

Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 00:59

Clipped, this was a point I made earlier. I appreciate it can be hard to see from the outside why you can't simply leave the child and pick them up at the end of the day all ok, but when you're in a nursery day in day out you see staff attitude. Some staff are rough, shout needlessly, ignore children, and are downright horrible. It's not a good environment for a baby especially when they are already clingy and anxious.
I have seen other babies with similar dispositions to my son trying to settle, and it can take months of crying and screaming. Most staff will only try comforting them for so long before they get fed up and just leave them to it.

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ClippedPhoenix · 16/03/2013 00:59

Take no notice OP. We have maggie thatcher amongst our midst Grin

Original poster
PigsCanSoar · 16/03/2013 01:01

scottish, I am not giving up work and claiming benefits. I am claiming benefits, I would be claiming the same well more, but for the sake of arguement "the same" amount if working, I am simply deciding I can make do with my savings and a lower income for now as my son takes priority at this age.

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