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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if people judge single mums for not working?

776 replies

PigsCanSoar · 14/03/2013 22:56

I have a 11 m/o, and am a 22 year old single mum. I have handed in my notice to work now, as I don't feel he is ready to be left yet. He has always been very clingy, he will happily go off and play with anyone if I am there, but as soon as I leave the room he will just cry and cry.
He is also still breastfeeding every 2-3 hours, and ideally I would like to let him self wean up until 2.

I have no doubts about this being best for DS, and am planning to stay with him until 2 then look for a job again, but I just feel a bit anxious about actually telling people this, as since he was born it seems to have been constant "so when are you going back to work then" off everyone.

I am very lucky to be back living with my mum, so money isn't much of an issue as this will just postpone moving out for a bit.
So there's no necessity to leave him before he's ready, but I just feel like I'll look "lazy" for not going back yet.

OP posts:
seriouscakeeater · 15/03/2013 19:38

I get free prescriptions as im pregnant and i dont mind ticking the exempt box as i pay in to the system as does my DH as do the workers that get free prescription...

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2013 19:41

I happily got free prescriptions when I was pregnant too. And free dental care. But I wasn't in denial about these being benefits

eavesdropping · 15/03/2013 19:44

And you're quite right to happily take advantage of free prescriptions when pregnant - it's a maternity provision that you're entitled to. But I can't see the difference between that, and provision for supporting lone parents who want to care for their child. It's all paid for by the tax-payer, isn't it?

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2013 19:50

I was on maternity for 8 months, during which time I paid quite a lot if tax. The tax I paid at that time covered those benefits a hundred times over Wink

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2013 19:55

Ergo, I was that taxpayer

eavesdropping · 15/03/2013 19:57

And I'm sure that many SAHPs, lone or otherwise, have contributed plenty in taxes over the years to cover the benefits they might receive now. If you want to look at the system as a savings pot, as swings and roundabouts, fine - but you can't do that only with your situation and the benefits you're happy to claim.

Wallison · 15/03/2013 19:58

You paid tax amounting to hundreds of times more than the cost of free prescriptions and dentistry while on maternity leave? Okaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Wannabestepfordwife · 15/03/2013 20:03

Op as a sahm I totally understand why you want to stay at home but it is really a wise decision when the government are pushing through child care ratio changes- in two years there might not be as many child care positions.

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2013 20:29

Yes Wallison, I did, only had about one prescription and one checkup in that 8 months. Cost saved to me say £35? yes i paid more than £350 in tax.

difficultpickle · 15/03/2013 20:31

I don't think that anyone who gives up work and lives off benefits is any more an 'awesome' mum than those of us who slog our guts out going to work to keep a roof over the heads of our children and food on their plates.

I work bloody hard and do it all on my own.

Every single sodding day.

Every time ds wakes up in the middle of the night because he is ill is down to me to see to him, down to me to care for him, down to me to make the decision to send him to school when he is ill but not infectious as I cannot use up all my holiday to care for him when he is sick. It is completely and utterly relentless.

I would love to just kick back and not have to work so bloody hard and carry the guilt that every working mother has but some of us have no choice. Benefits are a safety net in a time of need not a lifestyle choice.

allnewtaketwo · 15/03/2013 20:31

I received the BENEFITS while paying tax. I have no problem with people receiving benefits when in need or on low pay. But not because they'd just prefer not to work. Not the same thing at all as a free prescription as a taxpayer when on maternity

TheChaoGoesMu · 15/03/2013 20:36

Good post Bisjo. And you sound like an awesome mum to me.

sneezingwakesthebaby · 15/03/2013 20:40

This thread has really got me thinking. Especially your post bisjo. I can't wait til I am in better health so I can start getting back on the road to working again. I don't want to get sucked into it becoming a choice to stay on benefits when I become well enough to earn the money myself.

sweetkitty · 15/03/2013 20:41

Tax credits are most definitely a benefit, are they not getting made extinct when UC comes in?

Someone made a point about the government paying 70% of childcare for most families, this is also not correct it's up to 70% and is mostly for families on minimum wage. Most families do not receive a penny towards childcare costs.

Tax credits would not be needed if the minimum wage was a living wage, most benefits are paid to people in work as they don't eat enough to live. Take in workfare, zero hours contracts and reduced working hours and its really grim even if you are in work.

There was someone on here recently whose DH was offered X hours never got them, was told there was no extra hours, he cannot sign back on, they don't have enough money to live on Hmm

I think if you are in a job, you should try your hardest to keep it in some respect (reduced hours, career break) rather than trying to get a job in a few years when you could be faced with something like I've described above Hmm

morethanpotatoprints · 15/03/2013 20:41

allnew

As a low income family (and yes I don't work), I have been entitled to free prescriptions for many years now. Until this year I have hardly ever needed one, but unfortunately now I need 2 per month.
I have paid tax in the past and at one time it was as a HR tax payer.
I don't think I have cost the tax payer too much do you? So why do you have a problem with me?

MummytoKatie · 15/03/2013 20:42

Wallison - I don't think allnew is necessarily wrong - I had free prescriptions and dentistry while pregnant plus dd up to age of 1. For me this amounted to:-

No prescriptions (nothing wrong with me)
Two dental check ups (but no fillings etc). Value 2 * £15.50ish = £31.

100 * 31 = £3100.

I was a high earner plus worked for a company that paid really good maternity benefits so I paid a lot more than that in tax.

difficultpickle · 15/03/2013 20:43

Sorry, it was a bit of a rant at the end of a very long week coping with both ds and I being poorly (but both of us at work/school) Blush.

I don't think those who claim disability benefits are making a lifestyle choice.

Wallison · 15/03/2013 20:44

If you were on maternity leave, you were getting paid to not-work. And your employer would be claiming back what they paid you from the Revenue. Therefore your maternity leave was funded from public money, and you also received free prescriptions and dental treatment. Were you paying more in tax than your employer was getting back from the tax system to pay you your maternity leave? I think not.

difficultpickle · 15/03/2013 20:47

When I was on maternity leave I got nothing after 6 months, no money at all. I had to get a bank loan (disguised as a car loan) so I had money to live on.

MummytoKatie · 15/03/2013 20:47

Anyway - back to the Op......

I don't think I judge you for it but I don't think it is very advisable. Firstly because it makes you vulnerable to the whim of Mr Cameron and I don't think he's very reliable. But also because I'm not sure the situation will get any easier. My clingy 11 month old became a clingy 2 year old and is now a very clingy nearly 3 year old.

sweetkitty · 15/03/2013 20:48

In Scotland we all get free prescriptions, does that mean the while country is on benefits? Grin

morethanpotatoprints · 15/03/2013 20:58

I can see where people become wrapped up in the petty jealousy of they get more than me, or are entitled to more than me, etc etc.
In the case of entitlement to free prescriptions it is only a benefit when it is used. Some people can go for many years and not use this benefit, my dh is one. I too went for a very long time without needing any. Its hardly saving a fortune in these circumstances.

seriouscakeeater · 15/03/2013 21:08

Yes eaves got it in one..paid for by the tax payer. And thank god we have those otherwise people like you would be toast!
Entitlement at its best!! Just hope to god your children have a better work ethic than you Sad

messybedhead · 15/03/2013 21:09

You do whatever is best for you and your baby.

People will judge you for being young and for being single whether you work or don't. If you work you get judged for being a bad mother and if you don't work you get judged for being a scrounger.

If you live with your parents and claim benefits to look after your child... So what? There are lots of two parent families who have a SAHM relying on tax credits to support them. A single parent is no different... Well apart from you'll be living on approx 120 per week and lots of working two parent families receive a lot more in terms of hb, council tax benefit and tax credits.

Crawling · 15/03/2013 21:09

Excellent posts eaves.