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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to have strong words with ex if he takes his girlfriend to our DD's parents evening?

56 replies

alisunshine29 · 14/03/2013 21:39

I posted last week about my daughters father celebrating mother's day with DD(5.5) and his girlfriend. Now I think he's planning to take his girlfriend along to parents evening with him. I'd asked if he wanted me to make an appointment at any particular time so he could get there from work, assuming we'd go together as we're fairly amicable. He said he wasn't sure what time so to just get latest possible appointment. I got the time slot letter today and it had DD's name and mum in brackets. Teacher said DD's dad has made a separate appointment an hour earlier - a time which allows him enough time to go and collect his girlfriend. They have only been together a year, DD has seen her probably twenty times at most and I'm getting fed up of them trying to infer she's DD's parent too. I let the mother's day thing go and didn't say anything but think taking the girlfriend to parents evening instead of us going together (particularly when we have joint concerns we'd discussed sharing) is taking it too far. AIBU?

OP posts:

DoJo · 14/03/2013 23:33

Whilst I can completely see why this bothers you, I also think you may be putting too much importance on the parents' evening - of all the ways your ex might be trying to insinuate his girlfriend into your daughter's life, a once-yearly discussion about her schooling is probably actually one of the most innocuous. Unless she is really serious about getting to know your daughter, supporting her and playing a positive role in her life, the girlfriend will be bored to tears, your ex will wonder why he bothered with the subterfuge and making himself look a prat, and you will, realistically, be in exactly the same position as you were beforehand only having to have an extra conversation with him to discuss what was said.

sashh · 15/03/2013 04:56

If anyone has official advice on this position, I'd be really interested in case this came up again.

Have a look at data protection legislation. You probably need parental permission to disclose to a gf/bf/partner.

The school must have a data protection policy and in that it will say who information can be disclosed to. It will say parents, it will probably say guardians. It might say step parents, but I doubt it includes anyone else.

You could, and I'm not recommending this, contact the school and tell them they do not have your permission to disclose data to anyone other than you and your ex.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 15/03/2013 08:30

Why didnt you say anything about Mother's Day?
He's most liking just going to keep doing things like this until you say something.
Your ex sounds more immature than your dd, do men really think that doing things like this has no effect on the children....idiots

DeWe · 15/03/2013 10:14

I would have thought that teachers could request only to talk to the parents on parents' evening. If she was step-mum then it would be slightly different, but it wouldn't be unreasonable for him to ask that you don't take your best friend/next door neighbour, and I don't see this as being any different.

The point is that she does not have parental responsibility, so does not have the right to hear potentially confidential information.

ChocHobNob · 15/03/2013 11:03

**
If anyone has official advice on this position, I'd be really interested in case this came up again.

Have a look at data protection legislation. You probably need parental permission to disclose to a gf/bf/partner.

You could, and I'm not recommending this, contact the school and tell them they do not have your permission to disclose data to anyone other than you and your ex. **

She cannot contact the school and say that she doesn't give her permission for the new GF to attend the appointment because the Father is obviously giving his permission as a parent. Why does the OP's opinion override the Father's?

There is nothing you can do about it OP. That doesn't mean you don't have the right to feel annoyed by it though. But he isn't technically doing anything wrong. People's opinions differ.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 15/03/2013 11:43

I agree there's nothing I can do to stop her going and won't try, I just don't feel it's the best thing for DD - that'd it would be must better to see her dad and I doing things together and cooperating rather than everything being separate. I didn't say anything about Mother's Day because it sounds like I'm jealous of his girlfriend, which I'm really not. I was just sad for DD because she was confused and upset that she hadn't done anything for me. But it can be easily solved by ensuring future mothers days are spent with me. If I spoke to ex about everything he does that I have a problem with, there'd be a list each time - I.e. last contact - celebrating Mother's Day with girlfriend, letting DD eat an entire tube of Pringles causing tummy ache, letting DD watch 12 certificate films, letting her play 12 certificate games about zombies which have caused 3 disrupted nights this week due to nightmares etc etc. It just feels endless, and also pointless because his attitude remains as 'she's my daughter and I'll do as I like'.

OP posts:

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 15/03/2013 11:43

Sorry about typos - baby trying to eat phone!

OP posts:

adeucalione · 15/03/2013 12:01

I think it's odd that he wants a separate appointment when you've attended together previously, and you say your relationship is amicable. Is it possible that they want to discuss you? As in, 'DD seems to be struggling a bit at he moment, it's because her mother lets her stay up til all hours' or whatever.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 15/03/2013 12:09

Haha, no definitely not. The girlfriend wasn't around last time so it was different.

OP posts:

Scholes34 · 15/03/2013 12:17

Cancel your appointment and tell your ex you'll be attending with him. Don't open it up to discussion. Present it as a fait accompli. It's very unfair to involve the school in something that I'm sure can be dealt with quite amicably.

adeucalione · 15/03/2013 12:23

I'm glad that can't be it OP, it was just an idea - when I was teaching, if parents wanted separate appointments, it was usually so they could moan about each other's parenting.

In that case I would just ring him and say that it's a ridiculous waste of everyone's time to have separate appointments and you'll be joining him at his.

Purplemonster · 15/03/2013 12:34

It was my step son's parents evening last night, my partner asked if I was coming and I told him that as I wasn't actually his parent I though it was best if just him and his ex went to it together. Once I'd explained to him, he saw it my way but just didn't think about the fact that it might put Mum's nose out of joint if I showed up and stuck my nose in (even though we all get along pretty well and we've been together 3 years)
Dad probably just didn't think and maybe GF hasn't got the common sense I have to know this is something best left to the actual parents?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 15/03/2013 13:03

YANBU.

There's nothing wrong with partners doing a lot of every day things within their family unit, such as making tea, playing with the children and engaging in conversation, going on days out, doing their hair, going to school plays, even picking them up from school.

Then there are certain things that are unnecessary such as receiving Mothers Day gifts, going to parents evenings, trying to get the children to call them "mummy" or "daddy", adding photos to fb with captions like, "My little girl."

Parents evening is just that. For the parents to know how their child is doing at school and I wouldn't even dream of going to SD's parents evening. My partner will tell me how she's getting on and that's enough for me.

SolidGoldBrass · 15/03/2013 14:18

Actually, I think this parents evening business is the least of your worries. I think it's about time you stopped wasting energy on trying to get this unpleasant, selfish man to behave reasonably and take some advice on getting contact structured and limited. From your other threads it sounds like his only interest in DD is that he can annoy you by neglecting her and upsetting her. It really is a waste of time trying to keep things 'amicable' with an arsehole.

Wecanbuttry · 15/03/2013 14:59

It's not clear who looks after your daughter or if you share her time between you. It may be that your ex hopes his girlfriend will support your daughter at school and help with her education, particularly if he works long hours or isnt around to help her himself. If this is the case, I would be pleased to have her input but just hopes her educational style doesn't conflict with you's.

NinaHeart · 15/03/2013 15:18

My Dh got very upset when his exW took her new h to DD's parent;s evening appointment. (Sorry, lots of people in there)
Don't blame you at all for feeling this way. There's so much good advice on handling it in above posts.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 18/03/2013 10:14

Wecanbuttry - Ex only sees our daughter twice per month, going to parents evening is the only input/involvement he has with our daughter all year. SolidGoldBrass - It is structured, he sees her twice per month. It isn't going to get more limited than that. It is not a waste of time trying to keep things amicable - previously he'd been shouting/rude etc at contact which was very distressing for our daughter - and there was nothing I could do about it, so this way is better although certainly not ideal.

OP posts:

LittleGreen1 · 11/10/2016 19:30

I'm a stepmum. My husband have been married almost a year and have been together since his daughter was 4. Her parents evening is coming up and my husband has told her mum he thinks I should come along as I'm part of her life and fully involved. My step daughters mum has refused and said it would be weird and I should just go to sports days and plays etc and that it's academic so should just be them.
I can completely understand why some people wouldn't like a step parent there but in my opinion why is it OK and why am I good enough to love, care, treat as my own, food, dress, pick up from school, put to bed, take time off work to look after when poorly, discipline, take to disneyland and all the things in between but the serious important parts I should stay out of.
If I'm supposed to give my all into being a parent figure why am I not allowed to be part of all their life.
I should add, my husband and I have my step daughter 3 nights per week, her mum hasaid her 3 nights and her grandma once a week. So basically I see my stepdaughter the exact same amount of time per week as her dad and mum.

BrianMolkoismyPlacebo · 11/10/2016 20:13

I'd cancel your appointment and rearrange it for when your ex has booked, don't tell him and just turn up. Gf will have to wait outside then

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 11/10/2016 20:15

If they are arguing a lot then throw her in at the deep end with the step mother role and she may just run for the hills???

passmyglass · 11/10/2016 20:23

I am a teacher and a SP. I think this is totally outrageous of your ex. Going to parents eve as a SP is only apt if the child lives with the SP. I would be kicking up merry hell with my ex and with the school. (And I adore my SSs and am very amicable with my DHs ex... but you have to know when to butt out and support everyone from the side a bit more) unbelievable!

kali110 · 11/10/2016 20:24

Why have you resurrected this????

KittyVonCatsington · 11/10/2016 20:24

This is a zombie thread from 3 years ago!

WantAnOrange · 11/10/2016 20:26

I'd be totally uncomfortable with this. First and foremost, he isn't respecting your daughter's right to privacy. You need to contact the school and state that your daughter has the right to confidentiality, i.e. it is only appropriate for the teacher to discuss the child's progress with her parents.

I've worked in a school, in a 2-3 year old unit for a year and have worked in childcare for 10 years. I'd have no problem saying "I'll happily do parent's evening with you together/ separately but only those with parental responsibility please due to confidentiality issues".

You can't stop him sharing outside of school of course but the school should be sending a clear message that parent's evening is between your daughter and her parents.

Maybe it's a different culture in Early Years than in Primary but we aren't allowed to discuss children so willy nilly!

And all of that aside, her Dad should know this. She isn't a toy to be shown off in front of a new girlfriend. She's her own person, with her own rights.

WantAnOrange · 11/10/2016 20:27

And I didn't read to the end of the thread obviously!

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