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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask mil to stop buying so much

28 replies

Nicole2781 · 14/03/2013 18:02

My mil is brilliant with my DS and although I find her incredibly over the top with my DS she has been amazing with helping us out.

My problem is that she buys so much for my DS. I'm very greatful for what she has bought for him e.g jumperoo, bumble chair and basically his whole 3-6 month clothes are what she had bought. I didn't mind her buying a few outfits for him at all but I love buying my son clothes and choosing his lovely outfits but I was a bit miffed that shed bought so much it would be a waste if I went out and got more. I even told her I had night him a lot of vests but she still went out and bought the same ones even though I'd said he had more than enough.

Now it's time to buy his next size up ready and I'm getting a bit peed off thinking it will happen again and want to ask her to not buy so much as he's my son and I want to buy his main clothes.

How do I say this to her with out offending her? I know if I do she will say I'm throwing everything she does for us back in her face which is not what I'm doing at all. I just feel like she's taking over a bit like every time he goes to hers he comes back in a new outfit and lots of new clothes in his bag. She is the type of woman who has a stupid amount of clothes in her wardrobe with tags on that she doesn't wear that cost a lot of money and thinks nothing of just throwing them away without taking them back or exchanging them for something else. I find that ridiculous but it's up to her what she does with her stuff I just don't really know how to ask her to stop.
AIBU? And how would I do this without offending her?

OP posts:

taxi4ballet · 14/03/2013 18:11

Perhaps you could ask her to open a savings account for him? Maybe say that although you like receiving all the lovely clothes etc, he grows out of them so quickly... and wouldn't it be great if he had his very own savings plan for when he is older and needs money for college or a car or a deposit on a house!

mrsstewpot · 14/03/2013 18:12

I would love this! My DS is 17 mo and obviously the novelty is wearing off because the gifts are drying up and we're going to have to start forking out for our own son's clothing, heaven forbid!

Relax - MIL just wants to spoil DS. She isn't trying to compete with you. I'd start dropping hints as to things DS needs.

cupcake78 · 14/03/2013 18:18

I just told mil that i loved some of the clothes and wanted to buy some myself. She reduced slightly what she got but I ended up having to say certain things didn't fit nicely, took them back to the shop and exchanged them for clothes me and dh liked.

She has now reduced what she buys for ds. We've told people to buy nothing for new baby till we've looked at what we have got. So far its worked but I will not hesitate this time to say enough is enough. We have 3 lots of grandparents so it gets very silly.

Bingdweller · 14/03/2013 18:21

I had the same thing with my MIL. I felt it was controlling as she would always go on and on about outfits DC were wearing if she had bought them yet said nothing about other lovely clothes they wore.

Comments like "oh, are they the lovely socks I got DS in John Lewis?" I made a point of purposely putting kids in other clothes when seeing MIL but also making sure she saw them in clothes she had bought.

She used to pass criticism on clothes she knew my family had bought ie. they are too small, colour doesn't suit etc. and positively hated Next clothes with a passion.

All done with a lovely passive aggressive well-meaning smile.

It used to piss me right off until I took the bull by the horns and spoke with her about it - I gently mentioned that nobody else was getting a look in due to her over-generosity. I was careful to say we were very grateful but that DC had so many things they couldn't possibly wear them all.

In the end, she took the hint and started to ask what we needed and I was honest with her. whilst grabby SIL took anything and everything going and flogged it all on eBay

TittyBojangles · 14/03/2013 18:21

Or maybe ask her to get a few specific more expensive item eg coat or pram suit. Then you get the rest. Or ask her for the boring vests and sleep suits and you get the other things he needs. Tbh I would either talk to her about it or if you really can't do that then just enjoy having a bit more money. Exchange stuff you don't like?

thezebrawearspurple · 14/03/2013 18:21

She'll get bored of it soon, we were bombarded with more clothes than dd had a chance to wear but few people bother now. I just told everybody what type of clothes and colours to buy if that's what they wanted to do so, now when people do buy stuff, it's lovely stuff that suits her.

I wouldn't tell her to stop being so generous though, it might hurt her feelings and make her feel left out. She's just excited and this is how she expresses her love, appreciate it and if there really is too much stuff, quietly send it off to your local charity shop.

Original poster

Nicole2781 · 14/03/2013 18:22

She already had opened a savings account which she did when I told her we had opened one.

We are not skint so can afford to buy our sons clothes and toys and I do appreciate she wants to spoil my son and treat him To things but it's too much! I'm not saying she isn't allowed to buy him anything but it's way too much and it makes me feel shit when she tells me she's gone shopping and he doesn't need anything else now as she's bought his clothes. It's as if she's acting like he's her own son not her grandchild

OP posts:

Wishiwasanheiress · 14/03/2013 18:22

You can't.

Pick ur battles wisely here or be in full on war for next 18 yrs

fairylightsinthesnow · 14/03/2013 18:25

I disagree with mrsstewpot. Just because there are people who would love this, doesn't mean you should be unconditionally grateful and uncomplaining if you are in position to buy things yourself. I absolutely understand what you mean. We have 3 sets of grandparents and they buy things which are mostly lovely but sometimes it does slightly tread on our toes. One set bought DS and DD stupidly expensive winter coats (I mean ££££) and whilst they are lovely, I am always a bit worried sending him to nursery in it in case it gets lost but I can't justify buying another. Also, its quite roomy so will probably do him for next 2 winters, so we can't pick one out for him. It happens with toys as well, they'll buy stuff that is almost what we wanted but not quite, but close enough we can't swap it. I think the only thing you can do is say that sometimes things don't quite fit so would she mind giving you vouchers, or that without a complete knowledge of his wardrobe she is buying almost duplicates and you want to save her wasting money. This needs to be layered on with "we are so grateful" etc. Also, its your MIL - get your partner to say it, otherwise it seems like a power struggle between the two women.

DontmindifIdo · 14/03/2013 18:26

My parents are like this - as they hand it over say, "oh, we've got loads of jumpers/trousers/t-shirts already, these won't get worn, I hope you don't mind if I change them for X that we need?" Basically you might have to offend her a bit, but it helps long term to get them to ask.

I've currently in the bad books because since DS turned 2 and I said we had eveything we need, they have been buying 3-4 clothes, DS is now 3 and I told them we had everything, they are annoyed they have been "told off" and cant buy anything else. I do have some a few things I still need for him, but I can afford it and I want to dress in occasionally in the way i want while he's still young enough not to have opinions

toddlerama · 14/03/2013 18:26

It stops. At about 18 months, I had been so miffed about not choosing DD1s stuff. At 24 months, I was miffed that I had to pay for everything!

Also, the next children don't get clothes so box them up if you're having more! My mum warned me of this and I just stuck everything in the loft and have been very grateful for it. My sister didn't believe her, thought it was hoarding and then was stuffed on DC2. Luckily I'm such a hoarder there was enough for all our DCs

Toasttoppers · 14/03/2013 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sirzy · 14/03/2013 18:27

You can still buy the bits you like for him. Ok so he will end up with lots of clothes but you can just give things to charity/eBay/store for next when he outgrows things.

Perhaps when he is older ask her to buy his shoes/coats/school uniform instead so it's something which is going to be useful.

Doesn't sound like an issue worth upsetting her about though

DontmindifIdo · 14/03/2013 18:28

oh, and I now don't feel bad at all about the fact i've given to charity shops 4 tops DS has outgrown and never worn, because they still had to keep getting him stuff.

Return stuff and get what you want. Keep telling her you don't need stuff - she is offending you, you shouldn't worry about offending people who aren't worried about upsetting you.

DontmindifIdo · 14/03/2013 18:29

Actually if you want her to get out of the habit, make a point of always dressing DS in something she didn't buy she she's visiting.

MrsMushroom · 14/03/2013 18:34

My Mum does this OP. I mentioned before christmas that I would get DD a lovely pram from DH and I.

The week after that she turned up with a 2nd hand one for her and let her see it in the boot of the car and gave it to her!

I was MAD. Then to cap this, she went out the week after that and got ANOTHER one for DD2!

Just tell her! Say "Please don;t buy any more clothes...he's got too many and I want a turn..." then smile and wag your finger in a jokey way and say "No more...you're too kind but it's too many!" but laugh.

CatsRule · 14/03/2013 18:48

I can see why people say be grateful or pick your battles but I also personally know how you feel.

My inlaws have no interest in dh and I, just ds, and they buy things like clothes as if it's buying him.

We have difficulty accepting as it has already been casted up in the form of...we've been good to you....therefore they deserve ds!

Also, they rarely get it right. Ds is over 1 now and for his 1st birthday part of his present was clothing 9months that was too small. I just said thanks and sent a thank you card from ds and quietly exchanged them...I choose to pick my battles there...is this an option with some of the things? Some things also aren't our taste but tbh ds goes to nursery and gets mucky so I don't worry too much.

It sounds ungrateful but for example when they were going over the top re Christmas we suggested getting ds vouchers for Clarks and we could get him shoes when needed...something practical...they point blank said no. Made it clear they wanted to see his face opening presents etc. He didn't know what was going on...he was 9 months old not 5! It is with them about competition and the glorification if giving something bigger and better. Mil got annoyed at a present we bought ds as she wanted to give him it!

I sympathise as I know you're not ungrateful but it will always sound that way and I have the same problem.

sneezingwakesthebaby · 14/03/2013 18:49

Just accept them nicely and buy the stuff you want too. That way she isn't offended, you get to buy clothes too and you have a whole load of stuff to choose from.

CatsRule · 14/03/2013 18:50

Oh dear...that was a bit long and ranty!

In short yanbu

mrsstewpot · 14/03/2013 18:53

I wouldn't say you have to feel or even appear to be grateful - just not let it get to you.

Do you feel as though you're expected to respond with enthusiastic gratitude OP?

Floralnomad · 14/03/2013 18:55

Why don't you suggest that he needs a new wardrobe and that you go shopping together to buy it , that way you get to pick and she can pay if she wants . My mum and sister have always spoilt my children and its never bothered me , my PILs on the other hand have rarely put their hands in their pockets for anything .

thegreylady · 14/03/2013 19:07

If they have labels return them to the shop and exchange for something of your choice either in the same size or a bigger one.

DontmindifIdo · 14/03/2013 19:11

BTW - you will get a lot of people telling you you must be grateful, but if it's like GPs wanting to take DCs out when you don't need the childcare and want to spend some family time together - if it's not actually a help then it's not something you should be grateful for - it's not about doing something nice to help you out.

It's really hard to say no to stuff that is presented as a 'favour' but isn't at all. But it's still ok to say no if you want to.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 14/03/2013 19:17

It's hard!

I find it hard finding the balance of being grateful that they adore their GC but where am I meant to put all the stuff I get given?

I have a new house which mil saw as a space to fill with toys (she told us this), DS has enough toys! It's great that they love him, but he doesn't need tons of clothes and toys as I have nowhere to put it. He has stuff he has never worn as much as I try. I told H that no-one is to buy DS anymore clothes and to spread the word.

lakeofshiningwaters · 14/03/2013 19:17

YANBU, but really neither is she. I can quite understand getting carried away buying lovely things for a child you love, but I also understand you want that pleasure yourself too.

I agree with Floral - take her shopping with you. I do this with my MIL, and we both have a lovely time wandering round John Lewis, then I have the joy of not paying!

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