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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable to take my baby out...?

74 replies

GiveMeVegemite · 14/03/2013 14:25

I genuinely would like some opinions as my husband and I have had a massive fight about this.

My DH works from home 3 days a week, usually Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. On these days he has said he doesn't want me to take our son out as he wants to spend time with him at home. Fine in principal, but our son is almost 10 months old and loves going to baby groups and getting out of the house.

I said I would like to take him out at least one of those days and said I don't mind if he spends say Tuesday and Thursday at home all day. it would only be for a few of hours so that we could go for a walk or go see some friends, not all day.

Who do you think is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 14/03/2013 14:38

He is being utterly unreasonable. Even if you are enjoying meeting up with your friends while DS plays with their babies what's wrong with that. It can be very isolating looking after small children and getting out and meeting other parents is vital. As well as the socialisation and change of scene being good for your DS.

Is your DH really working if he can also chat to your son? The sort of jobs I can think of where you can chat and still work hard are manual jobs and not likely to be done from the front room.

Pozzled · 14/03/2013 14:38

He is BVU. He is working from home, so obviously won't be available the whole day. There's no point you staying in and getting bored the whole time when he's working.

Can you work out a routine that suits you both? E. G. You go out in the morning while he works, you return (or all go out) for an extended family lunch. Or you set aside a couple of hours when he can get quality time with your DS while you get on with something else?

MadeinMarch · 14/03/2013 14:39

Is he generally very controlling? This sounds pretty odd to me, and a bit worrying that you can't raise it for fear of causing a big fight.

Tbh if either me or DH is working from home we're pleased if the other one takes the kids out. I'm a bit shocked your DH won't 'permit' you to go out for even part of the day.

Original poster

GiveMeVegemite · 14/03/2013 14:39

Cheers ladies. I will show him this thread next time I bring it up and he tells me I'm the one being selfish :)

OP posts:

StuntGirl · 14/03/2013 14:40

You're definitely not vegemite, he's the one being a bit odd!

Bunbaker · 14/03/2013 14:42

He sounds a bit controlling to me as well. Are you sure it isn't just about not seeing his son. Perhaps he doesn't like you going out and enjoying yourself without ihim

Besides I doubt if his boss would be overjoyed that your husband is being paid to play with his son.

In short. You husband is being controlling and selfish and deceiving his boss.

Show him this thread.

Snoopingforsoup · 14/03/2013 14:43

He is being unreasonable to his employer. If he's working from home, he should be working shouldn't he?
You could all have lunch etc. together but if he's working then you go out with DS and meet up when he's having a break.

Wishiwasanheiress · 14/03/2013 14:43

He's working. He shouldn't be playing with the baby outside breaks lunch etc. therefore tons of time for groups and to see him those days..

End of discussion really... Is he keen on losing his job or appearing unprofessional by not keeping on top of things? These aren't days off.

WoTmania · 14/03/2013 14:45

YANBU - He's meant to be working. Why should you and DS have to stay at home so he can grab 5 mins here and there. Does he take a lunch break? What about meeting for lunch? (Is there any reason you can't go out? Just think, you could have a blissful couple of hours childfree while he works and plays with DS )

mrsjay · 14/03/2013 14:45

he sounds a bit of a lazy arse trying to get out of work how can he work if he is spending time with the baby does his boss know seriously tell him to get a grip the world does not stop turning because your husband is at home, go out and about to your thing because 1 day it will be baby group then he will want to stay off playgroup blah blah, tell him to wind his neck in and do some work

VinegarDrinker · 14/03/2013 14:46

It sounds like he could get his work done in half the time if he was actually working rather than playing with the baby...

Oh and regardless of whether the 10m old cares if you go out or not, it absolutely isn't selfish of you to want to get out and see other people. 3 days a week just at home would be too much for me.

Original poster

GiveMeVegemite · 14/03/2013 14:47

His work is quite random and sometimes he won't have a lunch break, but then will have a break at say 3pm or just little breaks throughout the day that he wants our son to be around for, which I get, but I feel like that shouldn't dictate what I do if I try and work around it be majority of the time.

At the moment I only go out 2 times a week with DS, if that, cos its hard to arrange things last minute and he only tells me the days he is going to be in the office on a Friday for the following week and only expects me to go out on those days.

OP posts:

noblegiraffe · 14/03/2013 14:48

When my DH works from home I make sure to take DS out so that DH can get some work done!

Asking that you have lunch together is fine and nice. Insisting that you sit in all day is bonkers. A ten month old needs to be out and about!

AbigailAdams · 14/03/2013 14:49

What is wrong with you wanting to go and see your friends with your baby? Sounds a bit to me, that excuse by him. So he expects you to stay at home and basically be at his beck and call and you and your son fit in to his work requirements? Not. Selfish. At. All. (That was sarcastic btw Mr Vegemite). You say you don't want to bring it up too often as it starts a massive fight. Is he always this unreasonable? Also smacks of being a bit controlling too.

SomeBear · 14/03/2013 14:49

He is being unreasonable, IMO. You said "He said I am being selfish and it is about me wanting to see my friends with babies". Something tells me it is not about him spending time with his son, it's about you going out socialising without him while he is working. My DH & I do split shifts so do a lot of lone parenting, neither of us would dare to dictate what the other does whilst the other is in charge of the children...

Babies and children need fresh air, socialisation and a change of scenery, and you are entitled to have friendships outside of the house. As previous posters have said, wait until you have a toddler who has reached the endless energy stage and try keeping your sanity cooped up indoors!

WoTmania · 14/03/2013 14:50

that sounds like it's hard, especially if there is a regular group you like to go to. I think he sounds unreasonable; you cna't be expected to arrange your life and DS's around his unpredictable work. I sympathise as DH has very erratic overtime at work - often only getting asked on the day to work extra hours which also makes it hard to plan. Sometimes you jsut have to get on with it.

I reckon he might think you're out gallivanting having fun and be a little resentful. Reality is that when you have samll DC there's no such thing as a proper coffee and chat with your friends.

Jarca · 14/03/2013 14:57

Can you organise your day?
You do not need to be out whole day, as well as your DH is not playing with your son whole day. You go out when there's a playgroup, he can join you. If he cannot, the there's work to do.
He's selfish, he has calls and work to do and you should be sitting there staring to the walls waiting when the Master want to play!!!

Wolfiefan · 14/03/2013 15:06

He sounds hugely controlling. He can't expect you to sit in the house with a bored DC. He's supposed to be working. If he ends up being free he can join you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/03/2013 15:15

It just seems incredibly selfish. You have to wait to hear what days, wait around to hear what time, keep DS amused until DH can play.

Remember, this is your job at the moment. That job is to keep DS happy, healthy and developing. Not to keep DH amused.

CecilyP · 14/03/2013 15:25

He is! Is he working from home or is he having 3 extra days off? If he is supposed to be working, he can't really be spending time with your DS. I would have thought taking DS out was doing him a favour as toddlers can be really distracting. Even if you go out to toddler group, or to the park or whatever on all of those days, it is hardly going to be all day, so he will see your DS when you are back.

Snoopingforsoup · 14/03/2013 15:25

I'm sorry, the more I read this, the more I get annoyed by how unreasonable he's being.
Baby groups etc. are so essential for Mummy as well as baby, why would you both want to sit and watch him work when you could be playing with other babies? Really weird, quite controlling.
Maybe he should take a couple of days off to spend with you both exclusively where he can join in some of these groups and see the difference between man at computer and lots of smiley babies chewing brightly coloured plastic...

Cherriesarelovely · 14/03/2013 15:28

I think my Dd and I would both have gone mad if we had been forced to stay in the house for 3 days a week.

Muser · 14/03/2013 15:30

Ooh look, it's a unanimous thread. In case you haven't noticed, you are not being unreasonable. He is being very selfish. And in a few months when you have a rampaging toddler on your hands he will be begging you to leave the house.

PopeBenedictsP45 · 14/03/2013 15:34

I can think of nothing worse than being subjected to watching someone else's working day, how incredibly dull for everyone (except for him of course ).

Also, it's good for your son to see other babies his age so he can learn to share and how to interact properly with them (maybe your DH should go along and learn something too).

BelleJolie · 14/03/2013 15:40

My DH has the option to work from home and he schedules his work-from-home days when he knows DS and I will be out! He can't work and have DS around. Your DH is being unreasonable because:

a) He's meant to be working
b) It's good for your child to get fresh air and stimulation outside of the house
c) It's good for you to mix with other mums for your own well-being
d) He's caused huge fights over this despite being unreasonable and you're scared to bring it up...not on.

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