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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To request that dd is placed in a different form to her 'friend' when they go to high school?

36 replies

sausagebaconandtomatobutty · 13/03/2013 23:31

Dd and her friend are either best friends or sworn enemies and its been like that since they were in reception

They can request 2 people that they know to be in their form

I won't be putting dds friend but I think her parents will

They are set for maths but other than that will be taught in form groups

AIBU to request they are separated? I think in the long term if they stay together its going to cause issues

they are currently friends btw

OP posts:
RedHelenB · 13/03/2013 23:33

You will probably find they change friends anyway even if they are in the same form. Let your daughter decide if she wants to request her.

MrsMushroom · 13/03/2013 23:36

I think you should tell her friend's parents. Otherwise you're being unfair. The child could choose another friend to put down.

Original poster
sausagebaconandtomatobutty · 13/03/2013 23:54

I generally do leave friendships up to her but I have had to pick up the pieces many times as it can get very nasty

I appreciate friendship groups change and that's partly what is worrying me as 'friend' is very good at manipulating the other girls so they end up ganging up on dd and I don't want this to continue to high school

I have spoken to primary several times over the years and the general pattern is dd tries to walk away but isn't allowed to IYKWIM

But when they are friends they are thick as thieves

I asked dd who she wanted and she told me 2 girls from dancing that don't even go to her primary

OP posts:
Murphy0510 · 13/03/2013 23:59

Yeah because the other girls' parents would really take that well wouldn't they, MrsMushroom Hmm

thornrose · 13/03/2013 23:59

I would get them separated. Give your dd a new start. I speak from bitter experience.

notnagging · 14/03/2013 00:08

Yanbu. When my son started secondary they purposefully split everyone so they would make new friends. He is still good friends with his primary friends but stops cliques forming early on.

thornrose · 14/03/2013 00:13

No-one will know that you requested they be split up remember! I chose my dd's secondary school based on her primary friendships and it went horribly wrong.
Your dd can still see her old friends at lunchtime etc but will have the chance to make new friends too.

aldiwhore · 14/03/2013 00:13

My best friend in the whole damn world, who I've known since I was 6 and who is still like a sister to me was also my sworn enemy at certain times.

I don't think YABU.

I would not tell your DD unless you have to, that you've not put her name on the form. Yes it's deceptive, but if my mum had openly omitted my first choice I'd have been very determined to not make any other friends at all just to spite my mum. (Yes I was rather contrary)

I don't think you should speak to the friends parents. They may be perfectly happy for their dd to choose yours, that is their right. I guess you will just have to cross your fingers. If your dd does end up being in the same form, you can always speak with the form tutor and give them the head's up of your concerns (he/she will probably suss it out soon enough anyway).

From your latest post it seems that there is no issue really as your dd has requested two girls from dance class.

YWBU to take it further.

ripsishere · 14/03/2013 00:15

YANBU, but at least you have the casting vote. When my DD was due to move to senior school the students filled the forms out.
She ended up choosing (and getting) two not terribly nice boys to be in her form.
Moot anyway, we moved to Malaysia.

anonymosity · 14/03/2013 01:14

YANBU I'd do the same.

ZebraOwl · 14/03/2013 01:53

If your daughter wants girls from dance on her form, put them down. I don't think you'd be unreasonable to contact the secondary school to explain the situation: I'm fairly sure they'll've had similar requests in the past. Would the primary school be willing to make this recommendation to the secondary school? The girls can choose to spend time together at break & could share some extra-curricular activities which might bring their friendship into a less intense & thus healthier state.

I went to a secondary school were I knew no-one at all so it didn't apply to me, but there was a policy of trying to place students with a couple of their friends. In many cases this went quite horribly wrong: people change a lot over that summer holiday & can feel held back by their primary school friendships.

Whatever happens, I hope that your daughter's move to secondary school goes well & that her last term of primary school is as unturbulent as is possible!

Chelvis · 14/03/2013 01:57

I would request they're not together. My best friend through secondary was in a different form and only in some setted classes together - it didn't stop us being friends, but time apart encouraged other friendships too. I used to work in a high school, it would not be something we would reveal to the other parent and it is something the transitions co-ordinator will have heard a lot!

Slur · 14/03/2013 02:07

Seem like YABU to request formally they are separated IMHO. They have a fairly typical turbulent relationship which while driving you bonkers is nevertheless, fairly usual.

What would be utterly reasonable though would be to discuss with school how to help dd and this dodgy bff sort their ishoos out in a healthy way and to nudge your dd into building other friendships so she has 'options'.

Plus y'know those preference forms mean a lot less than a straight forward convo with school. They are only one part of a whole bunch of considerations.

Polyethyl · 14/03/2013 02:21

My mum did this.
I'd had the same best friend from 4-11. When we boh got into the same secondary school my mother discussed with her mother about asking the school to part us. My mother felt that my friend was dominating me, and interfering with my other friendships- but I was perfectly happy and unaware.
My friend's mother didn't agree with making the request. My mother wrote asking anyway. The school replied that although they had loads of requests to keep friends together, they had never before received a request to part friends. We were put in different classes.
It was the making of me. I quickly made a new circle of friends. Unfortunately it unsettled the other girl. She moved schools after a year. And then changed schools again and again thereafter.

So in my opinion-do what you think right for your child. Go with your gut instinct. The happiness of the other child is not your responsibility.

exoticfruits · 14/03/2013 03:30

I think that it is a perfectly reasonable request - I am just surprised that you get a form like that- DSs had one but they filled it in at school- Parents didn't see them.

Original poster
sausagebaconandtomatobutty · 14/03/2013 07:06

slur

It's not about it driving me bonkers, it's about driving dd bonkers

I've asked her before what does she get out of this friendship and she said it just makes life easier to be friends Hmm

OP posts:
Groovee · 14/03/2013 07:55

I requested this. And thankfully they have been split but now the other child is trying to get a move into dd's class and the mum can't understand why they won't just move her daughter, but having spoken to the other mum's they had requested the same things.

I was requested to be split from my bullies and it didn't happen. Had 11 years of hell with those cows!

ihearsounds · 14/03/2013 08:03

I requested this. The primary school also mentioned during their correspondence with the school that it would be a good idea to seperate.. The school listened and never looked back.. One of the girls who we asked to be split from is still friends with my dd 7 years later, but the seperation also gave them time to explore oter friendships. The other girl is a trouble maker and by y2 had been excluded, which also got her new friends into a lot of trouble,

CabbageLeaves · 14/03/2013 08:09

Sausage. I would do the same It can settle a child to be away from such turbulent friendships

fluffyraggies · 14/03/2013 08:23

If your DD wants to put the 2 friends from dancing, encourage her to do that!

I wouldn't say anything to the other child's mum.

What i would do is have a chat with someone at the new school about their policy when it comes to pairing/separating friends. I would tell them you would prefer your DD not to be paired with this girl. This sort of thing is the 'bread and butter' of kids moving to secondary school - they will have all this kind of thing very much in mind when the new children arrive. It's something 90% of the children and parents are worried about one way or the other.

My DDs all attend/attended the local secondary which had it's intake from loads of little villages. When she first went up, DD1 was horrified to discover that their policy was to ask who was friends with who and then go out of their way to split groups up. Leaving each child with just one that they knew from their previous school. At the welcome meeting there was a long line of parents complaining. The teacher was literally fuming and saying how a group of them had been up half the night sorting classes with great care and they weren't going to change anything.

With DD1 and DD2 this policy had little effect on them, but with DD3 it was the best thing that could've happened! DD3 had the same problems as your DD is having OP. It was such a relief to have that other child out of our lives! DD3 has found a new group of friends and has blossomed.

Almostfifty · 14/03/2013 08:27

My son was worried a certain child would be in his class. He put down other children and I had a word with his class teacher. They do talk to the Primary schools, so get them onside.

orangepudding · 14/03/2013 08:32

I did this for dd1. She had a good friend in primary school, they were really excited about going to the same secondary school. Her friend caused lots of trouble for dd at the end of year six. She was jealous and tried to break up her friendships. When we had a meeting at the new school I requested that they not be together.

The school listened and they are in different friendship groups. The girl is now making the same problems for other girls!

LIZS · 14/03/2013 08:33

Whatever you do /don't do there will be fall out. Will dd tell her "friend" though if you don't ?

Helltotheno · 14/03/2013 09:01

Op absolutely do request them to be separated.they sounds like frenemies not friends. Don't be concerned what the other parents think, this is about what's best for your dd. If she herself has no issue, do it.

I'm always amazed the number of people whose main concern is avoiding fallout over and above anything else.

LadyPessaryPam · 14/03/2013 09:47

I would ask the school to separate them.

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