Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider sleeping with this man, just once?

60 replies

squishee · 13/03/2013 20:11

Evening all.

I appear to be in the "shagging one's way over a bad break-up" phase. I'm seeking an upgrade from a first fuckbuddy.

I have been propositioned on that basis by a man who has extreme hotness and red flags in equal measures. Both reminiscent of my ex (a seductive, charming, scheming, bullshitting manipulator).

This man -claims to be- is in an open relationship.

I'm worried that I might get ensnared / attached (which I do way too easily) and end up getting hurt. But the temptation is great indeed.

So. Do I steer clear, or go there and get the what if out of my system?

Is it better to regret something I do, or something I don't do?

OP posts:
UniqueAndAmazing · 13/03/2013 20:54

nothing wrong with casual sex.
everything wrong with red flags.

do not shag a man with red flags no matter gow gorgeous. you will regret it.

Original poster
squishee · 13/03/2013 21:18

I'm not sure what you mean Babooshka? That it's a breakthrough to be questioning this specimen?

OP posts:
HollyBerryBush · 13/03/2013 21:24

If you want to keep on devaluing yourself and pretend it's da thang to shag about, go a head. Kid yourself all you like it's a primal urge , but if you want to rut like an animal, it's you that has to look at yourself in the mirror in the morning and pick up the pieces.

BertieBotts · 13/03/2013 21:24

YY to the red flag thing. If they are there, don't go there.

I'd be tempted though. God yes. I wonder if you're like me and a big part of the attraction seems to overlap with the red flags by quite a big margin? Luckily I'm happily with someone who hasn't a hint of a red flag so I can talk myself out of it fairly easily Blush doesn't stop me recognising that attraction, though! Rather unhelpful really Confused

Fuckbuddy situations are fine, all well and good, but you really really really (I cannot stress this enough!) need someone who's respectful and fine about your needs and very definitely Not An Option for a relationship, not some red-flag-riddled tempting hot sauce on a plate. You'll get burnt, he'll draw you in to falling for him because they love the boost it gives their egos (women can't help falling in love with me) and yet he'll always be stringing you along because it amuses him. No matter what he promises it will never materialise and even if it does, someone with red flags is the last kind of person you want to develop a relationship with! Stay well away!

AllYoursBabooshka · 13/03/2013 21:34

Yes, sorry should have been clearer, my head is a little muddled tonight.

Original poster
squishee · 13/03/2013 21:36

I think that's a bit harsh HollyBerryBush.

OP posts:
sukysue · 13/03/2013 21:38

I don't know how ppl fall for this rubbish all the time tell him to p... off. Have some respect and self esteem for yourself come on you can do it.

PetiteRaleuse · 14/03/2013 12:05

Hmm. Some pretty good advice on here. I'll add to the comments that he sounds like a red flag waving cheating bastard and you can do far better.

WilsonFrickett · 14/03/2013 12:10

I also think that was harsh HollyBerry. And uncalled for.

OP - casual sex is fine, fuck buddying is fine, hell, practically everything is fine apart from continuing to replicate the behaviours that get you hurt in the first place. If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll get what you always got.

And you know there is no way in hell this man's 'p' would describe their relationship as open. He's a seductive, charming, scheming, bullshitting manipulator - your words! - and he's trying to manipulate you. Run!

PetiteRaleuse · 14/03/2013 12:11

hollyberry that nasty comment was uncalled for.

JiminyCricketsMiddleWicket · 14/03/2013 12:15

Only if it was a three way shag athon with the other woman that he's in the open relationship with. But then I'm a naughty little sausage and a bit of a minx really.

ItsallisnowaFeegle · 14/03/2013 12:16

Haven't read the whole thread, so apologies if I x post.

Contact his girlfriend open relationship partner and ask her if they do indeed agree to see other people.

I'm not going to comment on any of the red flags, you'll do what you 'need' to in a 'purple phase' (it's what I call the bonking anything with a pulse post relationship).

tiredemma · 14/03/2013 12:17

'rut like an animal'- gosh I haven't done that in a LONG time....

BeQuicksieorBeDead · 14/03/2013 12:19

He will probably be crap in bed. He sounds like his ego is bigger than the both of you.

If you do it,take careful mental notes about all the shit things he does before, during and after. Then you can keep your head and talk yourself out of going there a second time!

MansView · 14/03/2013 12:23

always regret the things you have done, rather than the things you haven't... :)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/03/2013 12:33

Do you need the headache,OP? If he's doing your head in now imagine the angst you'll get if the sex was brilliant and you fall for him but he turns out to be in a serious relationship with an unwitting partner, with or without children! Or if the sex is rubbish and he tells everyone you're beyond lacklustre and his OH finds out and stalks you! Sorry, veering into soap opera land.

You don't need this. He's not an 'upgrade'.

WhereYouLeftIt · 14/03/2013 12:34

Find your bargepole squishee, and then decide you don't want to contaminate it on him.

Fuckbuddying/shagging about should be about UNCOMPLICATED sex. Sex with a manipulator who you know is already in a relationship is many things, but it is not uncomplicated.

JiminyCricketsMiddleWicket · 14/03/2013 12:35

Regretting the things that you have done is fine; regretting what you have done to someone else is a different story. If the relationship is genuinely open (and you can conclusively verify that with the woman herself), then go for it.

If not, then I'd rather cut my own throat than shag him. I wouldn't want the regret of causing an unsuspecting woman that pain.

x2boys · 14/03/2013 12:36

Happily married now but i have done this a few times when i was single i always found the outcome was not good i always wanted more [ i was never very good at no strings attached sex] and the man would happily go on his merry way.

KellyElly · 14/03/2013 12:44

I'm worried that I might get ensnared / attached (which I do way too easily) and end up getting hurt. You do not sound like someone who should 'do' fuck buddies Grin

Original poster
squishee · 14/03/2013 20:15

Right. Thank you all for your responses. I have decided NOT to throw myself headlong into this disaster area.

Bottom line: I need a fuckbuddy (or better) who respects women.

Now to think up a short sharp putdown in answer to his flirty text messages...

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 15/03/2013 00:12

Or just ignore him - why give him the satisfaction of knowing he's got to you? :)

BertieBotts · 15/03/2013 00:16

Also, if you're thinking of a fuckbuddy as a kind of lesser option than a boyfriend, or a relationship as an upgrade from a fuckbuddy, that's going into it with the wrong mindset IMO. They're totally different things - like how you'd call an old friend for a chat, vs how you'd call on your mate's brother who is a plumber when you need your pipes fixing. One isn't an upgrade from the other - they're totally different things.

PetiteRaleuse · 15/03/2013 07:19

Glad you've come to what appears, from your posts, to be the most sensible decision for you.

I would either ignore him or just text back, not interested, please don.t contact me again, and then ignore any further messages. If you were a bloke you'd just ignore. See? Already lots pf energy being wasted on this tosser.

TheFallenNinja · 15/03/2013 08:23

Open relationship. Pisser. It's your missus, not a public lavatory.