AIBU STBXH introduced 2yo to OW without bothering to mention it to me.

[Cambam2010]

My 2yo DS started a random conversation in the car today about his day out with Daddy & Andie. I seperated from DSs dad last Sept. STBXH has had various girlfriends since about June (mostly met online) and it was agreed that our DS wouldn't be introduced to them unless it was something serious.

I don't care what he gets up to or with who but I really would've liked to have been told that he was introducing his lastest girlfriend to our DS and not have found out by accident 2 weeks later. And to add salt to the wound, my MIL was also introduced to her at the same time. The time in question was the first time that my DS had stayed the night with his daddy.

Just feel gutted that no one thought to tell me. It's me that has to answer any questions that my DS might have.

YANBU - He should have told you

Is she the OW though or just your ex's current girlfriend? I see lots of posts where women have their hackles up about their children meeting the OW, and I can understand that. It doesn't really make a difference - it's just a person that the children will meet through their relationship with their father.

Perhaps, if his relationship is becoming more serious as it sounds with his mother meeting her too, he should have told you. The only thing you can do is ask him to tell you where things impact your child also - and make it ok for him to do that - but HE can answer your DS's queries and questions too, being his father.

YANBU. You have a right to know who your child is spending time with.

Thanks Frying - when I challenged him over this he said he was going to talk to me about it a couple of weeks ago but I had appeared to be in a bad mood at the time. This to me was a cheap cop out excuse. Feel hurt that my MIL also failed to talk about it despite sitting in my lounge drinking tea with me.

This happened to me and it's very hurtful, especially as you say, you'd like to be able to explain things to the dc about the new person in their lives.

All I can say is there's nothing you can do about it now, but tell ex his actions have an impact on dc and you need to be informed. Try to keep things normal with ds as he may have to build a relationship with the person over many years and it becomes IME, important that he likes her.

It's not good though and I do sympathise OP.

He should definitely have told you. In fact I think it would have been reasonable for you to have been allowed to meet her too given she's spending overnights with your DS.

Do you know if they're serious or is he just dating? Obviously you don't want a different woman turning up to meet DS every month.

One of my friends has just done the same as your ex and I had a bit of a friendly word with her. To her credit she introduced her new DP to her ex a few days later and is starting to be a bit more considerate about it. Some people just don't think about the fact they are still co-parents.

You're right lying - I should've worded that 'current girlfriend'. It does make a difference because there is no history between me and this woman. I have no issue with her.

I think it just hurts that my MIL had come down from Scotland (rare visit) and my DS was having his first sleep over at daddy's and I was worried about him (first night away from him in 2yr 10 months).

We have had issues in the past whereby my STBXH lies about things to avoid discussing them and then when the truth comes out I find the secrecy and deceit hurtful.

I thought so too passive - the secrecy upsets me as it's not a good basis for the future in trying to co-parent our DS.

Of course it hurts... perfectly understandable. Your ex sounds as if he expects confrontation at every turn and that's unfair - tell him that. You and he will always be your child's parents and the easier the relationship you can have doing that, the better for all of you.

The thing is Lying I feel that I have to be seen as being reasonable all the time. I accommodate all visits even if they are not consistent. I don't moan when ex says he can't have him on his weekend day because he is going to Scotland for a mates birthday (GF went as well).

I've got my MIL staying with me next month for DS birthday. I try to keep everyone happy and involved in DS life and if I show any negative emotion it is noted.

Sympathies, Cambam; it's tough, it really is. You're doing it for your DS, not your ex or your MIL and really, their opinion of you shouldn't matter (I know it does, I think many women feel this way). Just focus on WHY you're being so reasonable and don't mistake that for 'doormat', not the same thing at all. Your DS is very lucky to have you for his mum.

Thanks foxache. It hasn't helped that my DS is going through an "I don't love you anymore" and "I want another mummy" stage.

Sometimes it hard to interpret the working mind of a 2yo and I know he doesn't mean it but I do wonder what it going through his little mind.

If this relationship does turn out to be serious then I would like my DS to get on with this woman. I would also like to know a bit more about her other then just her name. (ex hasn't even told me that. I know absolutely nothing about her).

Hi Chairman I'm not sure whether she is sleeping over at my ex's house whilst my DS is there. I have to assume not on DSs first visit as he was sleeping in a travel cot in the same rooom as ex. Last week, maybe as he was in his own room as MIL had returned to Scotland.

I just don't know anything about the woman. I know her name through what my DS has said. I don't know if she has any children that my DS might ask to go and see/play with that I will not have a clue about.

I don't know about it being serious. They have been seeing each other since NY so in my view, its too early to say.

thanks lying I know that in my heart but it is still hard. My focus is my DS. It always has been and is a contributing factor in my seperation from ex. I just have to be that 'constant' thing in my DS life that he can depend on and come back to time and again when he needs me.

YANBU at all to want him to tell you but YABU to expect him to. As tough as it is what he does in his own life and who he has around your child is now nothing to do with you, unless they are a danger to your child. A nice and reasonable person would have this conversation with you but he doesn't sound like that. If you say 'secrecy' he'll say 'not your business any more'. You can't win.

That is a fair point Kelly. I guess I hoped that we would do the mature thing and discuss things that impacted on our son but in reality he sees things differently to me so to him it may not seem a big deal, whereas to me anything that affects our DS is important.

It was hurtful to my feelings as well but like you say, thats no concern of my ex anymore.

A no win situation where I feel like the nosey, demanding ex wife who just wants to make sure her DS is getting the care he deserves.

CamBam "I don't love you anymore" and "I want another mummy"?????

He's 2? I wonder who is putting this into his mind?

I'm afraid I don't agree with Kelly. It's not a simple case of you being exes. You have a son together and this woman is going to impact on him in some way. You have an absolute right to know about her. She's going to have access to your son.

I really do think it stinks that your son is getting to know a woman whose name you haven't even been told. I daresay the last thing you want to do is meet his new partner, but your ex needs to understand he has responsibilities towards his son. If she's a reasonable person she'll realise there are additional issues when you get involved with someone who has kids.

I don't want to sound hysterical here but you wouldn't send him to a nursery with staff who weren't vetted, or not visit the nursery yourself first, so why would you want him hanging out with a total stranger.

Also think the 'new mummy' comments warrant further investigation.

Hi Lady - I think a lot of it is just his age and a response to me not letting him do or have everything that he wants. It does hurt though.

Chairman - On enquiring about this woman I get told that she used to be a nanny. So ex seems to think I should be happy with this level of information. It's like pulling teeth. First he says they just met at the park one week then the woods the next, then on further delving my son has actually been in her house before heading off to the park. I think it is too confusing to expect a 2 yo to take someone new into his life so quickly. Surely an hour at the park in a 'coincidental' meeting would have been great for starters, followed by longer meetings over time.

Oh I don't know. Perhaps I just over think things.

You have an absolute right to know about her. She's going to have access to your son. But you don't actually have a 'right'. He wouldn't lose access or have his parental responsibility revoked for not keeping OP in the loop. Don't get me wrong, I'm not agreeing with him by any stretch of the imagination. It's just not something he has to tell her and he can just tell her to mind her own business and there's nothing she can do about it. As I said, a reasonable person would discuss these kind of things but he actually has no obligation to at all.

Bit pedantic? I wasn't referring to the court process, or access issues. I was trying to indicate to Cambam that as his mother she should expect to at the very least get some details about her ex's new partner before her son gets to know her. I mentioned nothing about access. Let's not get into semantics here. Perhaps some advice on how Cambam can navigate her way through this would be more productive.

It would be the right and reasonable thing for him to do, to introduce you to his GF and keep you informed. However, you can't demand it, any more than he could demand to know who you are dating and insist on meeting any men you date or even socialise with.
Unless you have any reason to suspect that either your XP or a person s/he is seeing is an actual risk to DC, a child's other parent has the right to make choices about who is introduced to DC without consulting you if s/he so chooses.

ChairmanWow No not pedantic at all I actually find your post quite rude - did you mean it to be? Being honest about how it really is is being constructive as no matter how much you think she should expect to at the very least get some details about her ex's new partner before her son gets to know her has no bearing on whether her ex will do that or not. He is obviously not a reasonable person so you giving her advice on how to navigate through it is neither here nor there. If he doesn't wish to inform her of his private life and who his child is spending time with there's nothing she can do about it. But thank you for enlightening on me how to be more productive in any future posts I may make on this thread :)

I think its good to be aware of potential new women in ds life and how long they may be around, and would hope exh would also realise that its good for you to know. The only thing I wasn't sure about was MIL telling you. she may find it hard and she may feel that you'd prefer not to know too many details about what goes on in his life?