Who is BU? Me or DH?

[IsItMeBU]

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?


Sorry for the long post and rant

[BegoniaBampot]

But surely it helps her to perhaps understand where they are coming from just as her husband needs to listen to her to hear her feelings on it. Might be somewhere to start and to do it calmly in an email or such.

[Xales]

It's pretty obvious where they are coming from.

No one else wants to do this crappy job so IsIt is being bullied and harassed after doing it a year ago and giving them ample warning that she doesn't want to do it again.

She is on maternity leave, she is not unemployed. Even if they have decided she will be a SAHM she is at present still employed.

Her H is not listening to her or hearing her feelings he has decided she does it or else.

[IsItMeBU]

Thank you for all the replies.

I do understand it from his POV but if we didn't have DD then I know they would have respected my wishes to not continue again. Also last year I was working FT and it was awful trying to manage both jobs so again if I didn't have DD I wouldn't have done it again because it was just too much to manage.


I know his comments about money could have been in heat of the moment but that's the second time he's said it, in two different arguments. I don't want no one to have that control over me or. For me to be in a position where he can stop any money I get and leave me with nothing. It's is why I think regardless of the out cone we should separate finances then we both know where we stand.

He came home to get some things and has left again so thankfully I can stay at home and have space

[pigsDOfly]

You need to get out of this situation asap OP. Your H and his family are ganging up on you (that sounds childish but I can't think of a different way to put it) and you need to protect yourself.

Go to your parents and get some RL support from them. Be very sure of what you're coming back to if you decide to return to your H.

It does sound as if his parents are pushing him, and probably pouring poison into his ear by bad mouthing you and convincing him his wife should do as he (they) says.

MIL wants to get more control over how your DD is raised and is trying to marginalize you. If you do go back to your H and return to your old job you need to make sure you get childcare that doesn't involve her.

I'm not sure you are ever going to get your H to agree with your wishes and may have to consider a different future for yourself.

Good luck.

[pigsDOfly]

sorry x post

[sukysue]

So pray tell what is this awful job they want you to do?

[deleted203]

Sorry if someone else has already said this (I've skimmed thread) but WTF doesn't MIL do the damn job herself if it's the family business? And then you can look after your own child, without needing her to babysit. I would be telling them that if it was that vital then MIL needs to get off her arse and do the bloody thing - after all, it is THEIR business, not yours. (Or is she not 'pulling her weight' either?)

[sukysue]

What is the awful job please tell us?

[Cuddlydragon]

I've followed your thread and feel very sorry that your DH and PIL are being so bullying. Please speak to your own family and take the space you need. Family isn't a score card of who notches up most contribution as that ebbs and flows over lives. Personally I couldn't forgive the utter contempt they've all shown. Good luck.

[OliviaMumsnet]

Hi there
Do let us know if you'd like us to move this thread to relationships

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Sukysue

Why does it matter what the job is? All that matters is that the OP has said she doesn't want to do it and her DH and the IL are trying to bully her into changing her mind. You sound like you want to second guess her choice which is rather like what her DH thinks he can do.

[suekat]

this is a disgrace. Your H cannot expecting you to go back to this job because MIL wants to babysit too days a wk. she had her chance with her own children now its your turn with YOUR daughter and when you are ready to go back to work it will be a job YOU choose. have you got any family of your own to support you considering his parents are so involved? take your baby and get out of there. you are in a vulnerable position and they are taking advantage of this and bullying you

[IsItMeBU]

No it doesn't really matter what the job is

[IsItMeBU]

I've had a message saying he loves me no matter what the outcome, he feels betrayed and let down that I won't do this for him and to ignor and forget what I heard ils saying because he knows they didn't mean it but their angry I won't do this.

I haven't replied.

[Astelia]

MIL and FIL are outrageous to be coercing you and slagging you off. DH is not standing up for you, but is threatening you.

You gave them ample notice, MIL could do the job, so why the fuss?

They sound nasty controlling people and you need to get away from them and talk to your parents about it all. If your DH has any sense he will see the error of his ways while you are away. It is time to let him stew for a bit and for him to work out where his loyalties should lie.

[Astelia]

PS as others are saying, keep your job and independence. DH might respect you a bit more plus you will be able to look after yourself and DD regardless of how it all works out.

[ChasedByBees]

It's not really an apology or recognising that you are a free person who is able to choose how they spend their time is it? It still sounds like he thinks you're his property and he gets to decide what you do and when. I think there's been some really worrying behaviour from him including trying to forcibly seperate you from your child before you're ready and threatening to withhold money to punish and coerce you. Until he understands why all of this is not acceptable I'd keep my distance as this will raise its head again.

I actually think it would be very difficult for someone with that assumed position of dominance to change their way of thinking. He's not treating you as his primary family or as someone he loves and respects. I think this new text is because you're not backing down but he hasn't changed any of his underlying thinking.

[PurplePidjin]

Email back to say you feel betrayed and let down by his inability to consider your wishes, that you already work 24/7 caring for your dd and that your maternity pay would be withdrawn should you work while on leave.

And make sure you know where all the important documents and financial information is. Just in case.

[ChasedByBees]

I found this on another thread (hat tip to cognito) and some of the points made me think of what you're going through. You should have a think if any others apply.

(From the Womens Aid website) What are the signs of domestic violence?

• Destructive criticism and verbal abuse: shouting/mocking/accusing/name calling/verbally threatening
  
• Pressure tactics: sulking, threatening to withhold money, disconnect the telephone, take the car away, commit suicide, take the children away, report you to welfare agencies unless you comply with his demands regarding bringing up the children, lying to your friends and family about you, telling you that you have no choice in any decisions.
  
• Disrespect: persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk, interrupting your telephone calls, taking money from your purse without asking, refusing to help with childcare or housework.
  
• Breaking trust: lying to you, withholding information from you, being jealous, having other relationships, breaking promises and shared agreements.
  
• Isolation: monitoring or blocking your telephone calls, telling you where you can and cannot go, preventing you from seeing friends and relatives.
  
• Harassment: following you, checking up on you, opening your mail, repeatedly checking to see who has telephoned you, embarrassing you in public.
  

-Threats: making angry gestures, using physical size to intimidate, shouting you down, destroying your possessions, breaking things, punching walls, wielding a knife or a gun, threatening to kill or harm you and the children.

• Sexual violence: using force, threats or intimidation to make you perform sexual acts, having sex with you when you don't want to have sex, any degrading treatment based on your sexual orientation.
  
• Physical violence: punching, slapping, hitting, biting, pinching, kicking, pulling hair out, pushing, shoving, burning, strangling.
  
• Denial: saying the abuse doesn't happen, saying you caused the abusive behaviour, being publicly gentle and patient, crying and begging for forgiveness, saying it will never happen again.

[MordecaiMargaret]

You poor thing, all couples and families settle into different roles after having a baby - you, h and dd are the most important family unit while grandparents are now just extended family, ILs seem to think they're more important than you in the family. Things have changed and, in relation to your little family, you're more important than them, own that and be confident with it.

How is he with your parents? Does he go out of his way for them? Would he take any of the abuse that you're getting from his?

Hearing them speak about you like that must've been so hurtful, apart from your very valid reasons not to work for them anymore, how can he expect you to go back now you have proof they think so little of you and what you want.

Get some space with your mom and people who love you unconditionally, it must be v tempting where you are to 'compromise' for the sake of peace and let their bullying push you into it.

Take care of yourself and dd first and h if he meant what he said in the last msg.

ILs have shown they're only good to you when they're getting something from you so you owe them nothing.

Hope you feel better soon

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

Wow, been reading this thread and think its absolutely disgusting how the family are ganging up on you.

Regardless of whether it would be easier for them for you to do the job, if you don't want to do it, then its entirely up to you.

I would be questioning my husband's loyalty.

Also, he sounds like he is trying to manipulate you with his latest offering.

I would be having a long hard think about how you want your life to be.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Op, have you spoken to your own mum or dad about this?

[OxfordBags]

Chasedbybees has summed things up really well, except for one point (sorry, Bees) - he shouldn't have to come to understand why it's not acceptable. He doesn't care. If he had any ability or desire to treat you in an acceptable manner, he would already be doing so and would never have treated you like this. This is not a mistake about what's acceptable, this is abuse where he is treating you like his property, like a servant or piece of equipment.

Men don't change or improve when they're like this. THIS is showing you his true personality. It will only get worse, not better. He clearly has no respect for you and no belief or respect for you as a real person in your own right. He'll feel like that about DD too, you know. All that talk of love is bullshit when followed with a list of your faults and 'crimes'. He is the selfish one here.

[MummytoKatie]

I'm sorry but I don't think your marriage is salvageable.from the minute he threatened to withdraw money from you if you didn't do what he wanted he was basically saying "I have the power to make your life hard and I will do it if I can't get my own way." And I can't see how you can get back from that.

What if he threatens to withdraw money if you don't provide sex every night? Or hand full residence of your dd over to his mother?

His parents sound toxic (might be worth having a look at the stately homes thread) and I think they have raised an abuser.

[TerraNotSoFirma]

I'm really sorry you are going through this. I've tried to see this from all sides, But your husband and inlaws are so out of order and the things that have been said would have me running for the hills. Esp the line about not having another penny of HIS money.

I'm afraid I'm another one who thinks its time to leave.