AIBU to feel like shit?

[ScarletLady02]

DD has gone to bed and I feel I can finally get all this out...

I've been feeling so down lately and I don't really know why. I have suffered from depression in the past but not for years.

I don't feel good enough for my DD...my patience isn't great and I try so hard to keep calm and happy in the face of her constant demand for my attention. She's 2...and bright....and wants to learn ALL THE TIME. That's great, and it makes me proud but I just feel frazzled...I feel like I'm not doing enough for her or with her....I feel like I should be "better" at being a Mum and I don't know how.

We moved back to my home-town when DD was about 10 months old. We were living in London (where DH is from) and were in a shitty area. One of the reasons for moving back home was to stop me from feeling isolated as I had no-one at all in London apart from DH.

The thing is...things haven't really changed. He's made some friends and has a far more active social life than me. I had a lot of friends here before I moved away but I was just coming out of a VERY long relationship (well 8 years - long for someone who was 23 at the time, I'm now 29). Most of my old friends are doing things I have no interest in now...or they took my ex's side over the whole break up and I feel like I have to explain myself all the time (that's my issue...I know I need to deal with it).

We're both out of work and looking....we applying for everything but have no luck so far. I've always worked, up until I was pregnant so feel like I'm going mad a bit...same as DH (he was made redundant).

He does help a lot...he does a lot of house stuff, and is great with DD, but she tends to gravitate towards me mostly. Plus he's out and about doing things whereas I only ever seem to go out if I have her with me, to visit my parents (whom I adore and get on great with). DH keeps telling me he's happy for me to go and do things, but I have nothing to do and no-one to do it with....so I just stay home.

I feel like I have no life and don't know what to do about it...the only adults I've had a conversation with (apart from online) in the last two months have been DH and my parents...

Sorry...that's really long, I appreciate it if anyone's still reading. I know this is AIBU, and I know I probably AM being unreasonable....I should get off my arse and sort myself out but my motivation is gone and I feel shit about myself....I really don't know what to do.

Phew...it feels quite good to get that out...I've been holding it in for a while. Has anyone else been here? What did you do to drag yourself out of it? I'm open to frankness but try and be gentle...if you can

We moved back to my old hometown when ds was 7 mo and I really knew nobody. I was quite down about it and felt like I never did anything or saw anyone.
Then I started to go to toddler groups and made a real effort to chat to people. I even went knocking on doors (we are really rural) to a house with kids toys and introduced myself.
I enrolled ds in a play school when he was 2 as ll.
I have made the best friends I've ever had this way, a group of 8 or 9 all with similar age child's, none of whom I knew when I lived here previously.
The days can still be hard, I now have 2 children and sometimes don't get out much but making the effort really helped. I've become really good friends with a woman I met in the park and our kids were playing together.
So go out and try and socialise, if the toddler group you go to is cliquey try another and you will get there.
It's hard I know, ds was always a bright and energetic boy and so clever. He never stops asking questions and talking from the moment his eyes are open til he falls asleep so I have to get out everyday just to stay sane!
Good luck

This is me too!!

Am always hoping things will get better......not so far. DH works, but long hours so stops me getting out so I get little time away from the house and DS. Our family are not available for respite either.

Am hopeful that the start of school this year will help but keep reminding myself that it will mostly be full of cliquey groups of mums who already know each other.

Wish I had some tips, but I don't. Have tried a lot and the only thing I do is to keep up with my friends who live far away by phone/text/email on a regular basis. That keeps me sane even if I haven't seen them for about two years.

Keeping moving doesn't help my situation.

It's nice to know it's not just me.

I'm really pants at meeting people and get incredibly anxious about unknown social situations. It makes it really hard for me to do what I NEED to do...which is get out and meet people. It doesn't help that I'm a bit of an odd-ball geek who isn't into a lot of mainstream stuff...so again, it's hard to find people I get on with - being a socially awkward geek is fine when you're on forums etc....not so great in real life.

Thanks for replying....I thought I was going to get slated for being a wimp

It's time to attend toddler groups - go on, try it :)

Is it normal to feel so incredibly judged and anxious about going to toddler groups?

I'm terrified of them....I'm guessing this is my anxiety more than anything. I'm very shy, and don't feel that confident as a parent when I'm not at home, so I worry I will be judged and looked down on.

I don't know why. DD is great...happy and sociable, she's advancing well and is fantastic with other people...it's MY problems that are the issue....but I don't want that to rub off on her as she gets older. It's not fair at all.

'I'm really pants at meeting people and get incredibly anxious about unknown social situations. It makes it really hard for me to do what I NEED to do...which is get out and meet people. It doesn't help that I'm a bit of an odd-ball geek who isn't into a lot of mainstream stuff...so again, it's hard to find people I get on with - being a socially awkward geek is fine when you're on forums etc....not so great in real life.'

YES! I could have written that, its SO good to know that I am not the only one. We have moved around a lot and DH works away a lot so I spend a huge amount of time alone with the DC.

For me these are a few things that worked:

-I did some study with the OU which helped me feel I was stretching my brain again, met people without my DC, part of retraining to get back to work.
-I methodically went to every toddler group/library session in the area. Some I went to once (shudder) but I found two which fitted DC's needs and mine and I tolerate them for now. Once DS goes to nursery with his funded place in Sept I will never ever go back.
-I used Netmums (spits and wipes mouth) Meet a Mum board and spent a long time phrasing a friendship request. I got four replies, none of whom I clicked with really, but one whose company I could tolerate for the 18 months until my oldest went to school and then our friendship sort of drifted apart as it was fueled by our DC meeting up.
-I had another baby and met others through baby groups etc.
-I hung around a lot in parks etc and practiced conversation starting with mums who were also hanging around in the cold. That makes me sound really creepy, but I didn't just jump on these women, I just smiled and asked a few questions about their DC who were playing with mine. If they responded well then we talked a little longer/went for coffee, if not then we could avoid each other in the large play area or I could take my DC out much more easily than at playgroup. This weather is much easier as there are always a few die hard parents desperately trying to exercise their children in play areas, who often welcome a distraction from the cold!
-I tried to broaden my interests a little, it didn't really work for long as I picked things that didn't interest me (sewing, knitting), but I have had people commenting on clothes I have made the DC which were good conversation starters whilst out

Now DD is at school she does the friendship thing, I just see the mums for a few minutes when we arrange for the children to come around after school and then again when they pick the DC up. Once DS starts I can go back to my introverted ways which suits me perfectly.

You sound like such a lovely lady, and I am so sorry you feel this way.

What you feel is what you feel, there is no normality about how to feel about going to a toddler group (BUT actually going will not be as bad as what is in your head right now), and most people there will be so preoccupied with their child(ren) anyway.

Sometimes (and I do understand being shy), you have to just 'feel the fear and do it anyway.' Start small, be brave, go to a group and feel proud of yourself afterwards. I am sure it will be OK.

Wish I could talk to you. All the best, love and hugs. xx

Thanks....I do actually feel a bit better this morning. I've had a talk with DH about how I was feeling. I can be a bit of a dick sometimes when it comes to emotional stuff so he thought he'd done something to piss me off...which he hasn't.

I'm going to suck it up and go to a group tomorrow...I'd go today but DH has an appointment this morning.

Thanks for listening, and for all the responses.

Mums net local? Or even ...ahem net mums are a good way to meet people

How did it go? Did you try going to a group?
Where are you based btw?

I don't feel good enough for my DD...my patience isn't great and I try so hard to keep calm and happy in the face of her constant demand for my attention. She's 2...and bright....and wants to learn ALL THE TIME. That's great, and it makes me proud but I just feel frazzled...I feel like I'm not doing enough for her or with her....I feel like I should be "better" at being a Mum and I don't know how. I could have written that myself. My situation is different to yours in that most of my friends are here in London, but being a lone parent I only really get to see them at weekends, as I work in the week, so week day evenings can be quite boring when DD goes to bed. I'm frazzled from working and bringing up DD without ever really having a break and I do end up being impatient and snappy at times when she's just being a normal trying three year old. I don't really have any advice, I just wanted to post to give you a bit of support really and to say I understand some of where you're coming from :)

Tag team on housework and dd in the morning and go out together in the afternoon after lunch and nap. You can both do job searching during nap and when she goes to bed.

I just wanted to say, that feeling of not being good enough, where do you think it comes from?

I can identify very very strongly with it. When I had my first dc, at the ripe old age of 37, I felt it very keenly. As time has gone along, the scales fell from my eyes, and I realised that my family life and background had contributed to my low self esteem. In particular, my relationship with my mother, which has never been great.

Sorry if I'm totally on the wrong track, but for me, I had years of (directly and indirectly) being told I wasn't good enough as a child and a young adult, so much so that a large part of me was frankly terrified of failing my dc.

Peppermint - I have terrible relationship with my mother. Most of my isolated probs could be dealt with if I could pick up the phone and get some support from her. She lives locally, but even when things are super strained with challenging DS I can't/don't want to ask for her help. Makes it hard. She babysits infrequently too (the only reason I try to keep the peace) but not enough for me/me and DH to get out to have some sort of 'couples' life. Also means if I do get invited out by other mums, I can never make it

I went to go to a group only to find it had been called of because of the bloody weather...oh well, got us out for a bit

Thanks for the replies.

PeppermintPasty - I'm not sure where I get it from....maybe the relationship with my ex. I got with him when I was 15 and impressionable and he was pretty abusive (I was with him 8 years). I got pregnant when I was with him and decided to terminate as I wasn't in any state to have a child at the time. I have a great relationship with my Mum - she's amazing, so it's not that.

Having a bad day again today...I've felt really down for well over a week now, and I'm thinking of going to the Doctors on Monday if I feel the same. I'm starting to worry my depression is rearing it's head again. I've felt on the verge of tears all day and have been a nightmare to be around to be perfectly honest. It's not fair on DH or DD.

Sorry that you are feeling down. Go to the drs, you know the signs of depression and its best to get help before you spiral downwards.
Could you contact the NCT? If they have a good branch in your new area they may offer weekly meet ups for mums or introduce you to mums in the same boat. Or you could volunteer yourself? I found volunteering really helped focus my time until I made friends.

So sorry, easy to say but it will pass. Hideous though. Do get the support you need. Thinking of you. xx

Aw don't be so lovely....you'll get me crying again.

Thanks for all the support...it means more than you'll ever know x

I definitely feel for you. I'm going through a similar situation and it's trying, even on my good days.

My DD is just 7mo but I feel the same; depressed, anxious and lonely. I have made friends at playgroups and other activities but I still can't shake the feeling that I'm not doing enough.

I am seeking counselling right now. You're doing the right things. You have to be kind to yourself. Good luck

Bless you and what MsAkimbo said - be kind to yourself. xx

The first three paragraphs could be me, but I live near friends and family. It must be much harder for you. Antidepressants have helped. I'm sure you're doing brilliantly under the circumstances. Things will get better.

Thank-you - you're all so lovely

I as expecting much more of a "pulls yer socks up love" type response.

It's so nice to know I'm not alone.

DD is such a little gem, I hate it when I lose my patience with her. She's just so "on" all the time and it knackers me out. But she's doing so well with her speech, letter and numbers etc and I guess the only reason for that is the time we put in.

I can understand how people feel about making friends - it is very hard once you leave school/university to just strike up a conversation with someone, but I have found that having kids makes it super easy as you always have a brilliant conversation starter: tell someone their child is adorable - you'd have to have a heart of stone not to at least respond to that, and one you have broken the ice you can ask more questions about their child therefore showing an interest but not being intrusive (which I always find difficult to balance, at least in my head) and volunteering information about yours in response. Not only do people LOVE talking about their kids, but it's an ideal level of 'sharing' for a first chat as you get to know someone by how they talk about their child as well as what they are saying, but you don't have to venture any particularly controversial opinions or worry about not having anything to talk about as you can guarantee that at least one of your kids will do something worthy of mention even as you are talking.
Of course, this is only an in, as I'm not suggesting that anyone wants to only talk about their kids, but it is a good method for finding like-minded people with no obligation to ever say more than 'hello' to each other if you don't seem to gel.

Well, I have to say I think you sound just great and your little girl is a lucky little thing.
One small step at a time and you'll get there. And keep posting on here when you need to. MN is bloody fab when you're feeling down xx

Thanks...you make a very good point Dojo. A lot of the friends DH has made have been from walking the dog every morning....you know you've got something in common so it's a good place to start!

I've just realised I didn't answer Purplehonesty properly - I'm based in Colchester in Essex