AIBU to feel like shit?

[ScarletLady02]

DD has gone to bed and I feel I can finally get all this out...

I've been feeling so down lately and I don't really know why. I have suffered from depression in the past but not for years.

I don't feel good enough for my DD...my patience isn't great and I try so hard to keep calm and happy in the face of her constant demand for my attention. She's 2...and bright....and wants to learn ALL THE TIME. That's great, and it makes me proud but I just feel frazzled...I feel like I'm not doing enough for her or with her....I feel like I should be "better" at being a Mum and I don't know how.

We moved back to my home-town when DD was about 10 months old. We were living in London (where DH is from) and were in a shitty area. One of the reasons for moving back home was to stop me from feeling isolated as I had no-one at all in London apart from DH.

The thing is...things haven't really changed. He's made some friends and has a far more active social life than me. I had a lot of friends here before I moved away but I was just coming out of a VERY long relationship (well 8 years - long for someone who was 23 at the time, I'm now 29). Most of my old friends are doing things I have no interest in now...or they took my ex's side over the whole break up and I feel like I have to explain myself all the time (that's my issue...I know I need to deal with it).

We're both out of work and looking....we applying for everything but have no luck so far. I've always worked, up until I was pregnant so feel like I'm going mad a bit...same as DH (he was made redundant).

He does help a lot...he does a lot of house stuff, and is great with DD, but she tends to gravitate towards me mostly. Plus he's out and about doing things whereas I only ever seem to go out if I have her with me, to visit my parents (whom I adore and get on great with). DH keeps telling me he's happy for me to go and do things, but I have nothing to do and no-one to do it with....so I just stay home.

I feel like I have no life and don't know what to do about it...the only adults I've had a conversation with (apart from online) in the last two months have been DH and my parents...

Sorry...that's really long, I appreciate it if anyone's still reading. I know this is AIBU, and I know I probably AM being unreasonable....I should get off my arse and sort myself out but my motivation is gone and I feel shit about myself....I really don't know what to do.

Phew...it feels quite good to get that out...I've been holding it in for a while. Has anyone else been here? What did you do to drag yourself out of it? I'm open to frankness but try and be gentle...if you can

This "it is very hard once you leave school/university to just strike up a conversation with someone" is SO TRUE. I think MaterFacit's list might offer you some options to try, or I hope it will. Wonder also if there's a gym class you could go to? I made a couple of friends at yoga at different times, though it takes a while, and in the meantime it would (I imagine) make you feel better to be out and active for that little while, and would give you more patience.

I would also say please don't feel like you constantly have to be "on" with your DD. I know it sounds like she demands it, which is normal I think, but when you said this "But she's doing so well with her speech, letter and numbers etc and I guess the only reason for that is the time we put in" it made me think you might be putting yourself through a pretty hard-core regimen of making sure she develops perfectly and advances every day and all that. Don't think you have to make sure she's learning something every darned minute

ScarletLady02 - I'm in Colchester too! I'll PM you

KeatsiePie - I can see how what I said came across as us having some strict regimen, or that we're concerned with her developing "properly" but that's not the case...She just LOVES doing it. We do it at her request. Since she was about 14 months old she's been obsessed with letters and numbers (she knew her alphabet and numbers 1 to 10 by 18 months)...so we started with her watching Alphablocks etc, but now she just wants to do them all day. She brings her magnadoodle over and wants me to write each letter and number out, she'll identify them, say the phonics sound and then say a word that start's with it etc. She also wants me to read to her all the time, and I don't really feel I can say "no" to that

She just loves doing it, and I want to encourage her natural aptitude for it. I'm pretty laid back generally (apart from the anxieties I mentioned), so I wouldn't dream of forcing her to do anything (I'm not saying that's what you thought, but I didn't want it to seem like I was creating unnecessary work for myself).

Materfacit - that's so spooky I'll read it now.

Thanks again to everyone who's responded x

Scarlet that makes sense, of course if she's so into it you want to do it with her. I did wonder if you were creating unnecessary work for yourself but am glad you're not. Sounds like she just needs and loves that kind of interaction. I wouldn't be able to say no to it either.

Hope you and Materfacit get to meet up