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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to relocate away from close family?

32 replies

Mendi · 12/03/2013 17:09

I work f/t and am a single parent to the DCs age 11 and 9. Currently spend 2.5 hours a day (in total) commuting to work, which is manageable but tiring.

I am on the brink of relocating with the DCs to the town where I work but feel uncertain about whether it is for the best or not and I don't know whose interests to put first.

The DCs' dad lives much closer to the town where I work than the place we live now. He wants us to move. All of my friends live closer to the town where I work. I would like to live there. It would mean I could leave later and get home earlier from work.

BUT at the moment I live near my parents and they have the kids after school and in holidays and are very flexible about it. Also DS has been offered a place at an excellent private school here. (The state option is not very good). His dad is dead against this school for the sole reason that it is even further away from him than our home is and so will be inconvenient for him on the few occasions he has to go there. Also he knows that as teenage friendships take hold, the DCs will prefer to spend weekends at home near friends rather than go a long way away to where he lives.

Dad has offered to pay for a different school in the new area. We haven't been offered a place there yet but if we are then I have to decide fast. DD is fine for school place either way.

There are lots of social and convenience reasons to move, and I'm under intense pressure from the DCs' dad to do so. However, it will be hard being a single mum with no family support and maybe I should just keep doing the commuting, to keep the benefit of my parents' help. On the other hand, do I really want to be so dependent on my parents for the next 8-10 years through the DCs' secondary school? Also, if I do not move, relations with the DCs' dad will be impossible. He is insistent that we should move.

AIBU to move? Or AIBU to stay?

OP posts:

DeepRedBetty · 12/03/2013 17:12

Just to clarify, is it your dad who's offered to pay for ds's school in the new area or his dad, your former husband partner?

FeckOffCup · 12/03/2013 17:13

In your situation I would want to move, I have done commuting and it was hell and that was before I had to go home and be a parent at the end of it. I would not be impressed at your DCs father's attitude though, who the hell does he think he is telling you where to live, why can't he move if he wants to be nearer the DCs and you decide against relocating?

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/03/2013 17:14

I live with no family support and it is hell. I wouldn't move away from family support knowing what I know now.

raspberryroop · 12/03/2013 17:14

if the ex agrees and I mean really agrees to help out with the kids then move also at 11 and 9 unless they have SN I can't see that you would need help for 8-10 years !

shrimponastick · 12/03/2013 17:17

YANBU.

Your DC are getting older and you won't need to rely on your parents for as much help soon.

If XP is going to happily pay for the school in your new area, and step up to assist with childcare as and when required then go for it.

Has to be better than commuting so much.

Flisspaps · 12/03/2013 17:19

Move if you want to. It sounds like it would be beneficial to you all - the fact that your ex wants you to move is irrelevant. You and your DC could spend more time together.

If you live nearer to work, then you won't need so much help from your parents as you won't have such a long commute. I don't think you should base this decision on the fact that they have the kids in the holidays (13 weeks a year).

Move

Original poster

Mendi · 12/03/2013 17:21

Deepredbetty it is the DCs' dad who will willingly pay for DS' school if we move.

feckoffcup I hear you! Yes he should move if it's so important to him. However, he's made it very clear over the years that he will never ever ever leave London because everything outside the M25 is major-league Hicksville.

OP posts:

Geeklover · 12/03/2013 17:23

Agree with mrsterry. I have lived with absolutely no family support both with a partner and as a lone parent and it's tough both ways.
I have been lucky enough to be able to move closer to my family again. If I hadn't I literally wouldn't have a life outside my dc.
If I was in your shoes I would only do it if you are 100% sure your ex is going to be a good childcare support. If he isn't then I really think you will feel the move far away from family more than you will realise.

Original poster

Mendi · 12/03/2013 17:31

Hmmm some mixed views then. Ex will not be helpful on a day to day basis. The only real 'help' will be that I no longer have to spend all of Sunday afternoons on contact weekends doing the round trip to collect the DCs from his house. From new town it would be about an hour round trip.

Things that my parents' flexibility helps with are e.g. when one of the DCs is sick - I don't have to take time off. Also they will take them to doctor/dentist etc when needed. My employer is quite good though and within reason I can work from home on occasion, or make up time if I have to miss a bit for taking a child to the doctor.

School hols I guess I could still rely on my parents to have them for a few days at a time.

If we moved then I would be home within an hour of DS getting home (hour and a half for DD). We could eat evening meals together. At the moment I get back after 7pm and they've eaten already by then.

It's just the little things that make the balance between feeling you live 'family life' or just get up go to work come home and repeat.

I really don't know what to do.

OP posts:

DeepRedBetty · 12/03/2013 17:34

I think you should give it a go, if ds likes the school and is offered a place. You've said you've got friends there or nearby - in fact the only thing holding you to current location is your parents. The children are now at an age where you will need less and less support from your parents, and are old enough to be taken back to visit granny and grandpa without you staying too for a week or two in the holidays.

Fingers crossed you'll soon make even more local friends once your settled.

Original poster

Mendi · 12/03/2013 19:54

I have been thinking that the move would be good from the point of view of:

DCs being closer to their dad's home so as they get older can come and go on train etc.

DCs living somewhere with a bit more going on.

Me being closer to my friends and social life (i.e. it would be nice to actually have one).

It's just the feeling of being... I don't know... 'alone'. On the other hand, I suppose soon enough they won't need an adult around ALL the time. What sort of age is it ok for a child to go home from school and be alone for an hour or two before parent gets home from work?

OP posts:

DeepRedBetty · 12/03/2013 23:12

Slightly depends on the child. I gave ddtwins keys as a tenth birthday present, but didn't start leaving them for longer than quick dash for milk and bread until they were both at Big School. They finish at 3.15 and can be home by 3.30 if it's raining and they get a move on, but it's usually longer as they mooch a bit with friends. I'm normally home by four but sometimes not till well gone five. House is still standing so far!

DeepRedBetty · 12/03/2013 23:12

Let us know what you decide in the end. Good luck.

maddening · 13/03/2013 00:20

You can still go to see your dps and they might be able to have the dc over to stay in some holidays too.

If you weren't gaining in so many other ways and the dc would be in worse schools then it wouldn't be worth it but there are a lot of reasons to do it.

wannaBe · 13/03/2013 00:29

I would move. We moved away from my family because of dh's job nearly two years ago and it made a massive difference to dh and the time he spent commuting.

Unfortunately me and dh have now split up but I still chose to stay here without family support because it enables ds too have a close relationship with his dad (we co parent) stay in his current school etc.

As your dc are reaching secondary age realistically the amount of support you will need is going to become less and less soon.

Catchingmockingbirds · 13/03/2013 00:36

I think moving sounds like a good idea and you can still visit your family at weekends too. The only thing I'd be worried about is who would look after the dc after school, during holidays and when they're sick?

Longdistance · 13/03/2013 00:42

I too have n family support, but am thousands of miles away.

It is horrible not having that support, just for little things like taking one dc to the doctors, and having to take the other with you. The other one kicks off and you can't hear a thing the doc has said to you.

anonymosity · 13/03/2013 00:43

To me, it sounds like it would benefit everyone and not be devastating to anyone. I know upheaval of moving is a pita but its worth it when its done. I would say go for it.

(As an aside, we're now 6000 miles from all of our close family and we make it work with daily phone/ skype calls.)

Flisspaps · 13/03/2013 06:45

Depends on the child, but at 11 I walked to collect my two younger siblings from their school bus, walked them home from there and looked after them for an hour and a half each day.

CPtart · 13/03/2013 07:09

Can't he drop the kids back on Sunday afternoons? Why do you have to go and collect them?

Original poster

Mendi · 13/03/2013 08:46

CPtart he picks them up on Fridays and I collect on Sundays. Except, he doesn't do it on Fridays, his wife does. So he doesn't have to lose half a day of his weekends but I do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mendi · 13/03/2013 08:50

For childcare, I was thinking of getting an AP. Just wondering how many years I'd need one for before the DCs were happy to be at home alone for a bit. I was thinking maybe by 14 and 12?

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 13/03/2013 09:16

He should be dropping them off, not you.

2rebecca · 13/03/2013 10:44

I wouldn't choose to do a 2.5 hour daily commute so would have moved long ago.

sazpops · 13/03/2013 12:15

I would favour moving, as the children won't need such hands on care for that much longer.

With regard to leaving them, yes I think 14 and 12 would be fine (as long as they and you feel ready and they get on OK with each other). Until then, perhaps look at after-school clubs at their new schools and you might meet other mums there who would be happy to help out sometimes.

It sounds as though you might get some of your own life back if you moved, especially if you're near friends and can enjoy some time with them when the DCs are with their dad. good luck with whatever you decide.

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