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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have not given my atheist SIL a religious present?

60 replies

outingmyselfhere · 12/03/2013 12:46

She's not speaking to me because I didn't give her newborn a little crucifix and holy medal when he was born.

I do always give them to my family members when they have a baby, but I didn't know what to do because she is atheist and I didn't want to offend her. I thought she might think that I was trying to convert them or push it on them. My brother is very very lapsed so I didn't think that he would particularly appreciate it either. Of course I gave her clothes and other presents too.

Now she says I am treating them differently and she's not going to stand for it.

Confused
OP posts:
EuroShaggleton · 12/03/2013 13:13

As an athiest, I would find it very odd and quite disrespectful if someone bought my offspring religious gifts. OP, I think you did the right thing.

goodjambadjar · 12/03/2013 13:13

Agree with Danillion, we are atheist/spiritualist, and we were given a crucifix and prayerbook for dd, despite previous conversations with giver about beliefs. didn't say anything other than thankyou but have since been told I am BU for being offended.
OP, I'm a bit surprised your SIL thinks you ABU for actually taking her beliefs into consideration. Do you think she is annoyed because she thinks her son may not have received gifts of equal value? (I've not read the full thread do this might have been covered, sorry!)

Original poster
outingmyselfhere · 12/03/2013 13:20

I think it might be the family tradition angel she is annoyed about. Hopefully it is one of those things you feel terribly embarrassed about when the post-birth fug lifts Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
outingmyselfhere · 12/03/2013 13:20

Angle!!! Not angel (typical!)

OP posts:
Bobyan · 12/03/2013 13:24

Give her the medal...with the price tag left on, just to make sure she knows how petty she is being.

LastInTheQueue · 12/03/2013 13:28

YANBU
In fact, you realised it'd be a case of "damned if you do, damned if you don't".
If you had given her the religious presents, she'd have been offended. But turns out she was also offended when you didn't. No win situation.

Ignore her. She's an arse.

OKnotOK · 12/03/2013 13:33

If it means that much buy her them, tell her why you didnt give them to her in the first place & just give her them.

Personally i would tell her that shes acting like a spoilt brat, its a gift and its your choice to give it, not hers to demand it!!

Also...Some bitches be crazy!

midastouch · 12/03/2013 13:51

YANBU you cant dictate to people what they 'should' buy you, thats ridiculous

LoopDeLoops · 12/03/2013 14:00

"Some bitches be crazy!" Delightful Hmm

Put it down to only having given birth a week ago.

ZZZenAgain · 12/03/2013 14:05

Have you explained to your brother that you hadn't wanted to cause her offence seeing as how she is an atheist by giving them religious gifts so you had bought other things instead which you were sure could not cause offence? I would also tell your brother that you are confused by her response, is she or is she not atheist? I actually would not buy a medal etc now, I know you meant well and you would like to smooth the waters but this is really acting ridiculously. I just wouldn't be prepared to give in to it. Is she going to have a strop over every present her dc gets or does not get until she gets what she wants?

HeadfirstForHalos · 12/03/2013 14:07

SIBU stamping her feet about it, but it does sound like you've made it a bit of a family tradition, perhaps she thinks you don't consider her family because you left her baby out? If you were unsure you should have asked.

Taking into account she's just given birth and we don't always act our usual selves when tired and hormonal, I would give her baby the items, plus a small card apologising and explaining why you didn't get them before.

YANBU though, it was just a mistake!

OKnotOK · 12/03/2013 14:08

So glad you approve Wink

Apologies for making a misstimed gag about someone who didnt get the present she demaded and then threw her toys out of the pram.

ZZZenAgain · 12/03/2013 14:09

it is her not standing for it that I don't like. What is that about? If she called you and said, "listen it might sound daft after the way I have been going on about being an atheist but when the baby was born, I realised I would have really appreciated a holy medal after all and I was a bit disappointed that you hadn't bought us one". Well then, you'd be happy to get her one.

I don't think it will be a reason for long-term bad feeling tbh unless she is an utter nut job

aldiwhore · 12/03/2013 14:11

I would say to her exactly what you've said in your op.

Then tell her you are happy to buy the items, if she would wrap up the gifts you have already given her, you'll be happy to exchange them for her Wink

I know you're religious, but it can be fun to simply have fun with this kind of craziness. I'm not religious so don't feel at all guilty having fun with odd people and the unreasonable nature.

HeadfirstForHalos · 12/03/2013 14:12

If this behaviour is out of character for her then I would just get them for the benefit of long term family harmony.

Original poster
outingmyselfhere · 12/03/2013 14:19

I probably should have asked before she gave birth, I realise that now.

It is out of character for her, she's lovely. That's partly why I posted, I was so worried I'd done something terribly wrong.

Aldiwhore... I might tell her I'll give her a lift to 8.30 Mass now she's converted Grin

OP posts:
wigglesrock · 12/03/2013 14:28

She's just a bit all over the place, if you normally get on, I'd get her the medal and bring it round. She could just be feeling a bit superstitious about the whole thing. My husband isn't religious but he still hid the baby's holy medal in the pram.

NeverWinsMNComps · 12/03/2013 14:35

It kind of sounds like a simple misunderstanding to me. Can you not just explain that of course you would be happy to give them and that you had been worried about causing offense?

autumnmum · 12/03/2013 14:51

YANBU I am an atheist but I am married to a Catholic. My MIL who is very religious gave my DH a St Christopher when we moved overseas, but not me and I loved her for the fact she knew I wouldn't want one. If you scorned her for being an atheist then I can understand her being upset, but you sound like you were very thoughtful.

TheBigJessie · 12/03/2013 15:24

Well, she's just given birth. Sounds to me like she'd psyched herself up to be accepting of family tradition, and not to force her own beliefs on her perfect new baby, and make sure he's not an outsider without a crucifix amongst a host of other babies in the family who all do have a crucifix.

And then you come in, trying to be thoughtful, and leave her baby out of the family! Apologise and explain.

Original poster
outingmyselfhere · 12/03/2013 15:45

I suppose I just don't feel as though I should apologise!

OP posts:
AndBingoWasHisNameOh · 12/03/2013 15:46

If they are that cheap I'd just buy them now and say "I'm sorry you were upset by my not giving these to you earlier - my intention was only to be sensitive to your views on religion and no snub was intended. I am delighted that you'd like [baby] to have them".

And inwardly seeth at her attitude.

Crinkle77 · 12/03/2013 15:48

I think she is being a bit unreasonable. You did what you thought best and it sounds like what ever you did she would have found fault with. Just explain in as nice a way as possible that you did not want to offend her. You bought other gifts so don't know what her problem is. If she does not accept your apology then just ignore her.

TheBigJessie · 12/03/2013 15:53

Well, try and feel apologetic. She's just given birth and you haven't. I can clearly remember bursting into tears for hours after going into the newsagent of the hospital, and reading the front page of the Daily Mail. Grin

Heavens knows how I would have felt if a relative had snubbed my baby and treated my baby differently from his cousins, just because of my religious beliefs. I would have been convinced that he would have lifelong feelings of exclusion from his father's family! "I want him to grow up, feeling free to have religious beliefs, and my SIL is forcing him into an atheistic box, just because I am? Not going to take it!"

Original poster
outingmyselfhere · 12/03/2013 15:59

I just didn't want her to think I was forcing him into the Catholic box either! The two families are so different I would have treated him differently from either set of cousins whatever I did.

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