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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect to be able to decide what time DD goes to bed on holiday without a big bloody discussion!

33 replies

KellyElly · 12/03/2013 11:57

Off on a family holiday in the summer, lots of family coming as it's for a wedding and DD will be the only child (she's 4). She'll be staying up later than usual anyway as dinner doesn't start until 7pm, so I thought I would let her have a late nap (at say 3 or 4 for an hour or two), and then back to the room after dinner at around 9.30/10ish.

I was chatting to some family members and they were telling me it's a holiday and she should be able to stay up until 11-12 and that's what they did with their kids. I said I don't mind going back early and putting her to bed and chilling out - I would rather do that than have her up all hours and her get really tired. They were really pushing the issue and getting a bit irritated about it. I said well that's the way I do things and I don't want to deal with a tired cranky child or one who is asleep all morning. Cue a bit of eye rolling on their behalf.

AIBU for firstly thinking my DD's bedtime on holiday should be up to me not anyone else and that actually 12am for seven nights is too late for a 4 year old? Or do I just need to loosen up???

OP posts:

TheSecondComing · 12/03/2013 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

KellyElly · 12/03/2013 12:01

It was them talking about it, in fact it's been mentioned before in a phone conversation which is the only reason I've though that far ahead. They want me to stay up and have drinks etc as it's our first family holiday which I assume is why they have even given it any thought.

OP posts:

Fakebook · 12/03/2013 12:01

I'd loosen up, but that's just me and I know my dd would cope fine. You know your dd better than anyone else so only you can make a decision about her bedtimes.

Witchofthenorth · 12/03/2013 12:01

Its up to you when your children go to bed, holiday or otherwise...

You might find that because she is on holiday with lots of family, she may not stick to her usual routine. My youngest has a two hour nap every morning and most days will have another hour in the afternoon (he is 1). When we go on holiday however, I shall be going with the flow, if he wants a nap he can, if not

DinglebertWangledack · 12/03/2013 12:02

YANBU my DD isn't even 2 I get stick for liking to keep her in the routine we have got her in to, it works for us and that is what matters.

Wallison · 12/03/2013 12:03

I would stick to your guns and also I agree with you - it isn't fair on your dd who needs her sleep, and it isn't fair on you to not have any time to yourself in the evening and also have to deal with a cranky overtired child in the day. I don't get this 'letting your kids stay up late for no reason other than it's a holiday' business - fair enough if you're doing something like eating out or at the theatre or whatever, but just letting them run around aimlessly for longer is no real fun for anyone.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 12/03/2013 12:03

Yabu, just see how things go. We tend to do one lateish night then an early if they cope ok then leave them to party the night away, they can always have a lie in the following day.

ENormaSnob · 12/03/2013 12:08

Yanbu

It's nothing to do with anyone else.

Personally though, I wouldn't plan specific times id just go with the flow.

Pontouf · 12/03/2013 12:09

I get this too. I am going to a friend's 30th on Saturday, my friend is annoyed that my DH is going to be staying at home with my 2.4yo DS rather than all three of us coming. The party starts at 7.30 which is already half an hour after his bedtime. He will not enjoy the loud music, people will be pissed and I know (because I am his bloody mother )that if I take him he will be grumpy not only on the night but for the rest of the weekend too. Why on earth would I wish that on myself? Or my Ds? Several of my friends think I'm being really uptight about it though.

I am totally with you. You know your child and how she will cope with a late night and since you are her parent it has nothing to do with anyone else!!

GirlOutNumbered · 12/03/2013 12:12

YABU. I put my two down to bed pretty much at their normal time while on holiday. I wanted some adult company! They didn't care or notice.

MotheringShites · 12/03/2013 12:16

YANBU really but chilling out a bit wouldn't do her any harm. I'd probably let her go with the flow on the actual wedding day but stick (flexibly) to routine the other days. I guess "older and wiser" family members think you're being PFB, hence the eye rolling.

elfycat · 12/03/2013 12:24

I have a similar thing. On holiday with my in-laws later this summer. DD1 will be 4.5 and DD2 2.7. DH and I have agreed to look at their sleep/eat patterns a couple of weeks before and set 2-3 absolute rules.

Possible rules are:

DDs will eat crap orange meals for no more than 2 days before I will cook a proper with bright veg meal, regardless of family plans for day 3.

If SIL cannot get up and out before midday for more than 2 days in a row, meaning we are out at nap times we will just go early morning and sod em.

So a hint of compromise then a line in the sand. But we'll wait to see what the kids need later.

Original poster

KellyElly · 12/03/2013 12:35

Thanks for your comments. I will just see how it goes when we are there and try to avoid annoying conversations until then .

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 12/03/2013 12:44

YANBU

Who cares what they did with their kids? With my lot 4 of them would be fine with late nights over several days, but 2 of them struggle to cope with even one. One is my eldest who is 22! He is still the grouchiest out of all of my kids if he has a late night, so doing that when he was little was an absolute no-no.

StanleyLambchop · 12/03/2013 12:51

My dcs are always in bed earlyish on holiday, but then we are always up at the crack of dawn and off on a full day of adventuring/activities. Maybe that is what your relatives are worrying about, if they are up all night then they want to sleep in late, and your DD will probably be up early and doing stuff (and making a noise during their lie-ins) They would probably prefer you to keep her up late in the hope she will sleep late in the morning. It is your decision though, you know your DD the best. YANBU.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/03/2013 12:54

I suspect that the easiest thing will be to tell them that you will see how things pan out on the holiday, and do what seems best at the time. That, at least, will get them off your back for the moment, and when it comes to the holiday, and they see that your dd really is tired and ready for her bed much earlier than 11pm or midnight, they'll back off and you will be able to do what you know is best for your child.

Bogeyface · 12/03/2013 13:12

Stanley I wondered that, but ime it is a false hope as they might have an extra hour at most and then are crabby and grouchy all day!

I dont understand people who share their holiday with people with children and then complain that shock horror compromises will have to be made because kids are there!

wineandroses · 12/03/2013 13:20

I have always had grief from my wider family re the bedtime routine. They think DD should be able to stay up late for parties etc. We do let her stay up later than normal, but not late into the evening. On the very rare occasion that she has stayed up pretty late (couple of weddings) she does not sleep-in the next day, wakes up at usual time but feeling poorly, grumpy and tearful, and stays like that all day. No thanks.

Personally, I would decline to discuss it with your family, except perhaps to tell them that a) you will decide bedtime, not them and b) they should not undermine you by debating bedtime in front of your child.

CailinDana · 12/03/2013 13:24

Whenever anyone besides dh expresses any opinion on what my children should/shouldn't be doing i agree wholeheartedly then ignore. Mil and dm may have cottoned on to this tactic when i agreed for an entire year that i should stop bfing "soon". They don't bother commenting anymore!

Original poster

KellyElly · 12/03/2013 13:26

StanleyLambchop We're staying in a massive hotel so they won't be disturbed. They are drinkers and stay up late every night (and get up early randomly) on their holidays getting merry til the early hours. I did this too before DD but they'll just have to accept that our holiday experience will be different than theirs. Not like I can get drunk with them anyway as I'm in charge of a 4 year old (no partner so sole charge)!

OP posts:

Original poster

KellyElly · 12/03/2013 13:27

Whenever anyone besides dh expresses any opinion on what my children should/shouldn't be doing i agree wholeheartedly then ignore. Good tactic! I will try this.

OP posts:

NotMe2 · 12/03/2013 13:32

YANBU.
It's up to you and your child to decide. Not that your dc should have a say in it but you will know how she likely to react.

My dcs: if you put them in bed at midnight, they are still up at 6.30 but they are tired and grumpy. The day after is just a pain.
If yo do that several times in a row, they would actually ask to go to bed themselves.....

A friend's dc: that little girl just moves the time she gets up depending on the time she goes to bed. Going to bed at midnight means she won't wake up until 10.00am at least and will be a happy soul for the day. But of course, you can't do a thing for the whole morning. Great if you want a lie in, not that good if you want to enjoy your holidays.

Yet another friend dc: that child has NEVER been able to go to bed if eh knew there was something going on. NOt even when he was about 4 months old and he just stayed awake until his parents had gone back home or people had left the house. He is now 9yo and will say up until 1.00~2.00am if people are still up (Mt friend has long ago stopped trying to put him in bed at a more decent time - not worth the battle)

So really, see how your own dc is reacting. Are you sure she will be cranky the day after, will she sleep over? What do you want to do during that week holiday? And then decide what you think is the best. Some flexibility is probably welcome in that case but 12.00am every night seems very late for a child,.

Original poster

KellyElly · 12/03/2013 13:38

NotMe2 My DD is one of those children who if she is put to bed at 12 would sleep until 12. Fine as a one off but I like to be up and about and enjoy the day when I'm on holiday. This is my first holiday in four years! Also if she did a couple of very late nights and then say and early night she would start to play up and be cranky and probably night wake on the night she went to bed early. I think we'll both come back from holiday needing a holiday if we do what they want and I hate that!

OP posts:

aldiwhore · 12/03/2013 13:53

I would forget about it for now. When you're on holiday, stick (quietly) to your routine and be prepared to be flexible some nights... find a happy medium, if only to cause you less stress from tut tutters and eye rolling.

If your dd is tired at 8pm, then you're not going to keep her up until midnight are you? Why would anyone expect you to do that? On the other hand, if your dd is still happy and having a ball at 9.45pm it would be a shame to whip her to bed 'just because'. Of course, late nights mean late starts the next day, or over tired grumpy children, so if you can't have a slow day after a late night YANBU at all to stick with what you know with your dd who you know best.

2rebecca · 12/03/2013 13:58

My kids hated staying up late at that age and just got tired and grumpy. I would be telling family members what time she will be going to bed and that it is not open to discussion and there will be no more extended family holidays if they try interfering. I never had this with my family, but would have ignored them if they'd tried interfering unnecessarily anyway. Just ignore them, don't think about it and do things your way on the holiday telling them politely to mind their own business.

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