As a nanny wibu to tell my employers

[5alive4life]

That I suspect the reason their dc is not getting repeat invites to playdates is because employers expect me and younger dc to tag along?

2 dc,14ish months apart. Older dc is in reception,5.5 yrs old. School is a local state school in london,all children live a walking distance away. Today older dc is having a friend over to play and stay for tea. I mentioned to dad that playmate was coming round,he asked if the mother was coming aswell,rolled his eyes when I said no. They have mentioned before that their dc does not get invited to play at other children's homes. I think the reason is that people don't want the nanny and younger child to come with,they feel like they need to entertain instead of just letting the children have a play together. I also think its good for the children to learn that they don't have to do everything together and that they each can have their own friendships with other people. I keep hoping employers might bring it up at a parents get together and another parent will tactfully say it's because your nanny and younger child insist on coming.

They are the parents and I completely understand that it's up to them,if they feel they want me to come along then I will always do it,I just feel a bit sad for the child who never gets invited out but always has friends here. When the Warner weather comes it will be much easier as I can just suggest we all go to the playground together.

And just so I can give you a clearer picture of this family,they will go to birthday parties together as a family......and then be miffed as to why younger dc did not get a party bag as they told the parents in advance she was coming along. I am worried this will be the next thing their child is excluded from.

no cultural diff the school is a faith based one. I will have a quick chat with them tonight,ta!

Yes say something

currentbunas the father is very pfb with both children and is genuinely worried something might happen to the children. eg i once let oldest dc on a playdate a few houses down with a family that they have known for 3 yrs. father asked me to stand at the window from end of school time to watch them walk home to make sure they made it safely...I didnt do this in the end because a. it was a beautiful day so dc2 and I were in the garden and b. if i had then dc2 would have been standing beside me and asking why cant they go too.

Yes, tell them. I certainly wouldn't invite them again. I've stopped playdates with one of ds2's friends, whom I collect from school, but who's mum comes in "for a coffee" when she's collecting him (at 6.30) and stays until she's literally pushed out the door.

I'm running around getting ds1 ready for cubs, dinner for dd who's just come in from a music lesson, DH is just arriving in from work, etc, and she still sits there.
The time she left at 7.50 and only after I removed the toy from her child's hand and said "that's enough now, time to go" ( it still took 20 minutes from that point!) was the last time she crossed my doorstep.

It is quite a step up from 'mummy meetings' with pre-school kids to ones where you drop them off. I must admit if I hadn't met the adult myself I wouldn't want ds going home with them - but then, dh hasn't met them and trusts my judgement, if you employ a nanny I think you have to trust their judgement too. I have tidied up a bit today in readiness for a playdate, but I can't imagine how much more I'd have to do if an adult and another child was coming too. I'm sorry to say I'd probably cancel - unless could meet in a softplay/park.

If it isn't a cultural thing, then I would guess it's a safety/PFB thing.

To him, his (precious) child is being sent for hours (and a meal) to a stranger's house, whom he knows nothing about.

I would chat and ask if child can go alone if you've been to the house before and consider it to be a safe environment for him (no pools, dogs or undesireable characters around!).

But the next question is, if they do agree how do you start the invite flow again? You can't really tell them it's now OK to send Johnnie alone, sounds bit odd - maybe there is a family you know well, and can chat to?

Oh you have to tell than! Just be super upfront but non confrontational.

"I've noticed Tommy isn't being invited back for second play dates. The reason is that other families don't want me or the baby tagging along as this is work and hassle for them to entertain me. The social norm is that the children go alone to play dates. Are there any specific families you feel comfortable for tommy to go alone to? I'm concerned tommy is missing out on play dates which is a shame when his friends are asking for him to come home, but the parents are not issuing an invite as they don't want me and the baby there."

Dad sounds like a total toss pot tho, taking sibling to parties and expecting a bloody party bag?!?

You need to explain it to them. Also mention how unacceptable it is for them to show up as entire family to childrens parties when only one child is invited. They will only succeed in ensuring their kids are excluded from everything if they continue as they are. Show them this thread if they still don't get it.

"Playdates" aren't that new a thing, are they?

And taking siblings to parties-and staying-without asking?

You wonder what sort of a childhood others had & what used to happen to them in such cases?

I do think that when I was younger a "playdate" was often my mum visiting another mum for a chat & the children would play together iyswim.

But things were different then-no phone, no car.

But then I also had friends nearby who I would wander round to on the offchance that they were in from about 7 or so.

Am I the only one to wonder how this man and his wife have managed to both have full time jobs and procreate children, and also have friends to socialize with in other parts of town, when they seem to be blessed with so little social intelligence?

I agree that dad sounds like a toss pot.

Oh sorry Op, you cant possibly show your employer the thread now.

update:
the playdate went really well,children had a grand time. dad was home late from work that night so didnt get a chance to speak with him as i had to rush off. He did the school run the next morning and actually spoke to the mother of playdate child. She told him they would love to have dc1 round for a playdate and dad told her dc2 and nanny will come along aswell. she said she will be in touch about what date suits her. She will never be in touch! she told me they are free everyday until easter break when I was arranging for her dc to come here. I tried to tell dad this but he said again "thats not what WE do" guess WE wont be going on many playdates. oh well,its a lost cause.

Gosh, he sounds like hard work.

"dad told her dc2 and nanny will come along as well."

That is just so fucking rude.

What a shame the mother didn't laugh in his face say something about the invitation being for the oldest only.

That's really sad- what a weirdo control freak. I guess there may be issues you don't know about- perhaps he was abused as a child by a friend's parent, or something awful like that, but it doesn't help his child now.

I kind of feel bad as I know I would be the same as the parents you describe once the child was of school age- I'd be inviting a friend to play to free up some time for me, rather than to entertain another adult (although I'm sure you're lovely OP).

I think all you can say is "I respect that's what you want to do, but unfortunately that means that DC probably wont get many return invites. If you know some families who would be more comfortable with what you propose, then can you give me their details. Otherwise DC will probably be a social pariah and die a mad old cat lady/man"

Is he not interested in the idea of the younger child getting 100% attention from nanny for a while? It is very odd behaviour. I could see having 'rules' or wanting you to go the first time, but the blanket ban is a shame.
Having said that, my ds has rarely been invited on playdates, though others seem happy to come here - think it's just viewed as too much work for many! (Obviously if child has parents at work that makes a difference to what can be arranged). I don't see what else you can do in this situation, sadly. He does sound very pompous.

5alive have you actually had the conversation with the dad, or mum, yet? When Dad said "that's not what we do" did you say "in that case your child will not be getting any more invites because parents do not want me and other child tagging along"? If you have not been quite as forthright as that, can you bring it up again? Also, maybe speak to mum separately? If neither of them think it's an issue, then that's the end of it I suppose. Poor DC

Gosh , I'm surprised he let his child go to school and be taught by a stranger or did he give them the third degree on their suitability .

Seriously, he is making things very hard for his children and their future socialisation, imagine him when they're teens if he doesn't loosen his grip before then.

What are they like otherwise?

you can frame it differently - that it's preventing the younger child from doing activities / having a social life with peers? maybe enrol the little one in a ballet / football / tennis / swimming club one day each week and make that playdate night for the older one?
my eldest didn't like going to people's house alone when she was in reception. She either took nanny& sibling to a very few forgiving households (usually with nannies rather than parents at home) or accepted that she wouldn't get to go so many places. SHe was quite happy with that until she got more confident. They found a few pals where there were younger siblings the same age which was the happiest balance.

I can't stand it in reverse and in fact younger child was in tears today not wanting someone to come over with their little brother who hits / breaks toys.

yes I did tell him that the dc will be left out,he disagrees. Dc2 goes to a school nursery for 3 hours a morning. in the afternoon we sometimes have a friend over (with nanny). Dc2 is not concerned about having lots of playdates and is happy having a friend round or going to a friend 1x a week.

as for classes. dc1 does ballet on friday afternoons after school. dc2 does a singing class that we go to together for under 5's on friday mornings and an earlier ballet class (for the younger ones) in the afternoon. They seem very focused on everything being fair. eg if I suggested dc2 do a class on say a tuesday from 1-2 they would say "it sounds great but its not at a good time for dc1 to go aswell,is there a later one they can both do together?' which is very hard to find as dc2 falls into the under 5's classes and dc1 does not

as for them as people they seem very laid back in every other aspect. children watch things like harry potter on tv and go to bed whenever. The word no is hardly ever uttered by them to the children and money is not an object and if the children want it they get it.

I did wonder maybe the dad has a past experience making him feel this way. I think we will just keep having children over to theirs and then when its warm enough go to the playground after school and play with whatever children are there at the time.

I think they may change to a childminder next yr anyways as both children will be at school so I dont have much more time to worry about this. I was hoping to have my own dc by then but my body doesnt seem to want that lol.

They don't really seem to see the ids as individuals, do they??

If they change to a CM, it might be better for the children's social lives!

Good luck with the TTC!