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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

As a nanny wibu to tell my employers

46 replies

5alive4life · 12/03/2013 09:36

That I suspect the reason their dc is not getting repeat invites to playdates is because employers expect me and younger dc to tag along?

2 dc,14ish months apart. Older dc is in reception,5.5 yrs old. School is a local state school in london,all children live a walking distance away. Today older dc is having a friend over to play and stay for tea. I mentioned to dad that playmate was coming round,he asked if the mother was coming aswell,rolled his eyes when I said no. They have mentioned before that their dc does not get invited to play at other children's homes. I think the reason is that people don't want the nanny and younger child to come with,they feel like they need to entertain instead of just letting the children have a play together. I also think its good for the children to learn that they don't have to do everything together and that they each can have their own friendships with other people. I keep hoping employers might bring it up at a parents get together and another parent will tactfully say it's because your nanny and younger child insist on coming.

They are the parents and I completely understand that it's up to them,if they feel they want me to come along then I will always do it,I just feel a bit sad for the child who never gets invited out but always has friends here. When the Warner weather comes it will be much easier as I can just suggest we all go to the playground together.

And just so I can give you a clearer picture of this family,they will go to birthday parties together as a family......and then be miffed as to why younger dc did not get a party bag as they told the parents in advance she was coming along. I am worried this will be the next thing their child is excluded from.

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 12/03/2013 09:39

Ah yes, I think you perhaps do need to say something now. Never easy!

shewhowines · 12/03/2013 09:45

Yes say something then it's up to them if they take any notice. You can say it in a non confrontational way.

anewyear · 12/03/2013 09:49

Agree with SoulSister, your going to have to tell them.

Or prehaps, and this is just a random thought, would it be possible, you ask one of the 'playdates' parents to tell them?

wineandroses · 12/03/2013 09:52

I agree, you should say something. There was a big thread on here a while ago, which was actually about parents not responding to party invites, but there were a lot of stories about those parents who bring siblings to parties and the 'entitled' ones who demanded food and party bags for the uninvited siblings. They were not well thought of! I think it is very odd when an entire family insists on attending a party that only one of their DC has been invited to.

Re the playmates - my DD has a friend who is always asking to come to visit, and she has in the past, but it is always with her parents and elder brother in tow. DD has many playdates, which she loves, but this particular child is rarely invited because I do not have the time or energy to entertain her family while she plays with DD. I like the family, but we are not close and I don't want them sitting in my kitchen for an entire afternoon. I have invited them all for a family lunch on one occasion (as I knew they would come anyway if I invited their DD), which was nice, but my DH was there too and it was very relaxed. On a simple playdate, I don't want them all here, and for that reason, their DD does not get invited much by anyone. It's a shame.

McPheetStink · 12/03/2013 09:54

Yes, something needs saying

They clearly don't 'get it'

Are they the sort of family who give a present to the child whose birthday it isn't

purplewithred · 12/03/2013 09:55

Could you ask one of the other mums to have a word with your employers? Otherwise just do it - they really need to know its not the norm!

Original poster

5alive4life · 12/03/2013 10:01

mcpheetstink yes they are!

Dad will probably mention it again tonight so I can just say that none of the children's parents/carers come along to playdates it isn't really the norm from my experience and that is why I think dc does not get asked as other families don't want me and other dc to turn up aswell.

OP posts:

McPheetStink · 12/03/2013 10:02

I thought so

They really aren't doing their children any favours

wineandroses · 12/03/2013 10:02

Sorry, I meant to add, I wouldn't hold out much hope for the parents of other children saying anything, especially if your employers are the sort of parents who don't understand why their younger DC don't get offered party bags at parties they weren't even invited to! It is likely that your employers would be offended if other parents had the conversation, so it is easier to just not issue invites to playdates.

Re the example of the family in my last post, both DH and I have dropped very large hints re parties (numbers restricted, not enough food for siblings etc, but they still turned up as an entire family! They are quite thick skinned, though generally nice people and I don't want to upset them).

Therefore, I'd say you would probably be the best person to broach the subject. Perhaps show them these responses?

PureQuintessence · 12/03/2013 10:10

Yes I think you need to mention something, their child will be left out entirely if this is to continue.

It is different if the play date is hosted by a nanny on behalf of her charge, and another nanny attend with her charges. Especially if they are already friends.
But it would be unnatural for a mum to partake in playdate hosted by a nanny, in the same way as it would be unnatural for a mum to host a play date and have nanny and siblings tag along. Reception age children just get on and play! Different when they were babies.

I think your employer just needs to learn what happens when children are school age. Gone are the days of coffee mornings and playdates where mums take part and drink coffee and eat biscuits!

pluCaChange · 12/03/2013 10:16

Oh, dear! What do people think about my Reception child, who just wouldn't stay and play without me (meaning the baby comes, too)? Am I bringing up a pariah? (trouble is, they'd have a wailing nightmare on their hands if I didn't stay - not the best way to get a repeat invitation! )

McPheetStink · 12/03/2013 10:18

I would say, have a friend come to your house instead for now pluCaChange. Until your child is more confident

EverybodysSootyEyed · 12/03/2013 10:21

I worried about that too plusca but when ds was collected directly from school by the other paret he didn't even think about where I was.

Have you actually tried letting him go alone? If not, give it a go but make sure the other mum has your phone number

diddl · 12/03/2013 10:36

OP-how do you end up going?

Your employers tell you to go& stay-this is whilst they are at work?

If you didn't stay & told them it was quite clear on arrival that you were to leave your charge & collect later-what then?

LifeSavedbyLego · 12/03/2013 10:37

pluCaChange. I would (and have) hold the play dates at your house, unless it is someone you are friendly with. People really don't expect adults as well at that age.

PureQuintessence · 12/03/2013 10:52

plucachance, have you tried letting him go directly to a playdate after school without you? He might not scream if thought he was going on a big adventure. But if you come to school and show your face and he is separated from you, he is more likely to cause mayhem.

If this is causing problems, I agree you should host at yours until he is a bit more confident.

It really will make parents think twice about inviting him back, especially if they dont already know you and are friends with you. It changes the dynamics. It means mum has to sit and entertain you and offer tea and biscuits, instead of getting on with her chores and cooking tea while her child is busy playing with yours. It is just awkward, sitting making small talk while you have oodles of chores to do.

DeepRedBetty · 12/03/2013 11:04

dd1 is good friends with another 14 year old, and the mother and I get on fairly well - I've been to her Private View, and we had a girlie dinner with several others for her birthday. I had Drinks At Home in the evening for my birthday a few weeks ago and invited her (but did my best to hint off her amazingly dull boyfriend).

Hints failed. She turned up with a bottle, a gift, the amazingly dull boyfriend - and BOTH her children - to an adult drinks party. Thankfully my dds were present, having been bribed with cash to be waitresses etc for the night.

Original poster

5alive4life · 12/03/2013 11:05

Diddl it is somewhat recent--- I really had no idea this was as much as an issue with them,mostly dad from what I can gather. I have worked for them for a few years,children were obv much younger and playdates for them involved other nannies with charges that I was friends with. Last year when older dc was in school nursery I let her go off a few times near the end of the yeAr to some of the other children's homes and I had no idea this would be an issue! It only really came about when I had taken a day off for an appointment early in this current school yr and dad took the day off to look after children. Dad went to collect 4yr old dc (younger one) from school nursery at noon and child asked if friend could come back for lunch ,dad was shocked that nanny just handed child over (I have known this nanny for years) he mentioned it to me the next day and I said oh yes that's normally what happens and he said in a very stern voice that he did NOT want his dc to go to playdates alone. Sorry this seems like a dripfeed now.

In regards to telling parents I usually say that's lovely and I'm sure tommy would love to come play with John one day after school. Then I have to tell them that tommy's parents prefer that I come along to playdates. They usually say that's fine and they either cancel last minute or tommy doesn't get invited a second time.

OP posts:

EarlyInTheMorning · 12/03/2013 11:08

I am afraid that I avoid inviting children for playdates when I know their mum and sibling/s will come too.

Like wineandroses said, it is exhausting and hard work to have to entertain a whole family on a school afternoon when you have stuff to do and perhaps other siblings to take care of. You have to end up preparing refreshments for the mum, dinner for invitee plus siblings plus your own, and perhaps entertaining younger children. Unless the mum is a friend, having to come up with conversation all afternoon is exhausting.

Usually when my youngest DC has a playdate, it means I can spend some 1 to 1 time with my other DC. It would not be the case if there's other people to entertain.

Also, I find kids behave way better if the mum is not around.

I would tell the parents or kids will end up missing out.

Wishiwasanheiress · 12/03/2013 11:09

I'd talk to the wife. No idea why dh thinks u should stay. I'm sure there's something more useful u could be doing? Could u maybe phrase it that way? X has a play date so I'm using the time to do y? If she questions it say ur the only nanny/guest there and u feel uncomfortable as u are not her friend and don't wish to overstep professionally?

Good luck!

Wishiwasanheiress · 12/03/2013 11:13

Some of these people must know the family? Bizarre it's not come up in conversation mummy to mummy - why do u send ur (lovely) blooming nanny every time?!

Tact and diplomacy here in buckets. Very odd...

Original poster

5alive4life · 12/03/2013 11:23

I don't think they know many of the families from the school. They both work full time and seem to do their own thing at weekends with their friends from other parts of London who also have children. I think I will have to bring it up.

OP posts:

Kiriwawa · 12/03/2013 11:25

I think you have to be quite blunt and say that you've noticed that tommy isn't getting invited again on playdates and this is the reason why.

They need to understand that they're making him into a social pariah.

And I'm afraid if I were one of the other mums, unless I was a REALLY good friend, I wouldn't say anything, I'd just not invite tommy again.

mummytime · 12/03/2013 11:34

You will have to be blunt. Is there a cultural difference?

The only other parents I know who are consistently bad about this kind of thing, are a bit odd, I personally suspect they could both be ASD (parents) and just on't pick up social rules.

currentbuns · 12/03/2013 12:17

I was wondering whether it might be a cultural thing, too. Has the father offered any actual reason why he doesn't want the dc going on play-dates alone?

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