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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban Oh's "man projects" from the house?

56 replies

AdmiralCLingus · 12/03/2013 08:51

Oh is constantly starting crazy "projects" and they almost always involve sawing, plastering, sanding, general mess making and I'm getting a bit pissed off with it.

His latest "project" has involved cutting out a shape from some weird foam stuff, sanding it down, covering it in plaster, sanding the plaster down and then painting it. I got home from work on sunday evening to find a thick layer of dust from the sanding all over everything.

Its not even like hes containing it to one space!! He will make a mess in our living room and then move onto the kitchen!

All of dd's toys were covered in plaster dust, all the sofas, washing on the radiator now needs to be washed again, it was all over the worksurfaces, all over the washing up that was on the draining board which he was asked to put away ffs! meaning it took me 2 1/2 hours yesterday to clean the kitchen instead of the usual half an hour!! (Theres only 2 and a bit bloody worksurfaces!!! Angry)

The only reason I've not said anything to him yet is because the house we live in is his house, so really I don't feel I have any right to make him stop?

So, AIBU to ask him to take his mess outside, even though its not my house and I have no right to really?

OP posts:
Iaintdunnuffink · 12/03/2013 09:38

You do have every right to ask him not to do those projects in the house, or protect the area before he starts. Your name may not be on the mortgage but its your home! I used to be a SAHM and there's a difference between doing the main bulk of the house work and being expected to run around wiping and picking up after everyone.

I think it's very disrespectful of your time to make loads of unnecessary mess and leave it for you to clear up, it wouldn't have taken him more than a few mins to move the clothes. Was it even a bit of DIY? Or just a hobby project?

My husband never used to move anything before drilling into a wall, so I'd give him a cloth and expect him to clean it up properly. Then I'd check down the back of furniture see loads of brick red wall dust and tell him to get the hoover. What's the point of creating 20 mins of cleaning when 5 mins prep could reduce the mess. When I build flat pack furniture or paint a wall, I have to take precautions!

Wewereherefirst · 12/03/2013 09:44

YANBU. Does he think you're his cleaner? You may work less hours compared to him but you do all the childcare am day to day cleaning, you do not need him to make more mess inside.

If he wants to do it, he can go outside. His house or not, if you weren't there he'd have to clear up and you know he would do it all outside.

Poledra · 12/03/2013 09:50

There is no way my DH would sand something in the house unless it was something that was fixed in the house, like skirting boards. It is perfectly reasonable and sensible to not make the mess inside when it's not necessary. And if it is necessary, you clear all the surfaces first, and get the room as empty as possible before starting.

You live there too, it's your home, you are well 'within your rights' to tell hm to make the fucking mess outside.

jaywall · 12/03/2013 09:56

Buy him a shed.

MisselthwaiteManor · 12/03/2013 10:01

Of course you have every right to be living in a safe clean habitable home! It sounds like you need to have a chat about a few things tbh. You're not his housemaid.

Original poster
AdmiralCLingus · 12/03/2013 10:02

Iaint its a hobby project... he's plotting how to make his millions.... Hmm

jaywall he has a garage. With a junk heap car in. That he bought as a project to "do up". Car parts have migrated into the house, because the garage is cold.

OP posts:
piprabbit · 12/03/2013 10:03

Treat him like a child.

I'm assuming that you expect your children to tidy away their toys when they've finished playing? Well he needs to set a good example and tidy away his toys when he's finished playing, and that includes clearing up any dust and mess he has created which are over and above usual, day-to-day household grubbiness

Ideally, future messy projects should happen in an outside space like the garden, shed or garage.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/03/2013 10:08

YANBU

And he can't have it both ways. Either it is your house, in which case the cleaning and so forth should be shared, and you have the right to ask him to stop being a twat about making a mess. Or it is his house, in which case you shouldn't feel obliged to clean up anything and he can pay all the bills and make as much mess as he likes.

You clearly have more problems than 'man projects' though, which is that the power balance in your relationship is so skewed in his favour.

Why aren't you a co-owner of the property? Why aren't you married? Do you have wills and all that stuff set up?

At the moment he could kick you out and leave you high and dry.

Original poster
AdmiralCLingus · 12/03/2013 10:15

ali I know this. There are FAR more issues than the man projects, (ive posted under a diff name about the "relationship" before) its all very complicated and as robot pointed out upthread I'm a doormat.

Not co-owner because him and his mom bought it without any consultation, we're not married for a number of reasons, and I don't have a will as I have nothing.

OP posts:
Purplecatti · 12/03/2013 10:19

Sweep the dust up and put it in his sock drawer

Original poster
AdmiralCLingus · 12/03/2013 10:21

he doesnt have a sock drawer purple his clothes now either live on the radiators til theyre needed or i need the space, then they get "put away" on the floor in the spare room...

OP posts:
AliceWChild · 12/03/2013 10:36

Glad to hear it. Could the dust go there too Grin

samandi · 12/03/2013 12:11

Sanding stuff indoors when you have easily accessible outside space is beyond idiotic.

Floggingmolly · 12/03/2013 12:32

This is the reason sheds were invented.

angeltattoo · 12/03/2013 12:49

Not a will for your stuff! Whether he has a will, as the owner of the house you live in, and have no legal right to, because you are not married and therefore are not his next of kin. I.e. has he made a will that means his DM cannot turf you and your DD onto the street should anything happen!!!

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/03/2013 13:03

Exactly - does he have a will which means that if he dies his mother can't turf you out penniless?

Threads like this frighten me, that women put themselves into such vulnerable positions.

Can you up your hours or anything to earn some more money and get yourself some security?
I'm reluctant to suggest you marry someone like this, but you would at least be protected to some extent then. What a mess :(

Andro · 12/03/2013 13:12
Original poster
AdmiralCLingus · 12/03/2013 13:19

If he dies his life insurance from work is set to come to me and his personal life cover goes to dd. So even if his mother kicks us out, we would have some security. Unless this has been changed without me knowing in the last month or so.

I am desperately trying to find a full time job, as I cant up my hours where i currently work and have virtually no money coming in. That's a whole other thread in itself though!!!

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/03/2013 14:33

His projects are the least of your worries. But since that is the subject of this thread -

"The only reason I've not said anything to him yet is because the house we live in is his house, so really I don't feel I have any right to make him stop?

So, AIBU to ask him to take his mess outside, even though its not my house and I have no right to really?"

Personally, I would have gone ballistic at the mess and made it clear that he clean it up. And I'd have insisted that future projects take place outside. Ownership of the house is neither here nor there IMO - it is your home, regardless of not having your name on the deeds. The mess created is nothing to do with normal housework.

But you are not me. So I have to ask, has this situation been discussed by you both AT ALL? Have you expressed any displeasure in him making work for you? Why do you consider you have "no right" to ask him to take his mess outside (that's got nothing to do with who's on the deeds IMO). Are you hesitating to raise this with him because you fear his reaction?

And yes, I think he is deliberately making work for you too. Very disrespectful and somewhat manipulative.

MortifiedAdams · 12/03/2013 14:53

Your ILs have dd on a Saturday? Does he work.on a Saturday?

Whats your contribution / his contribution to the familt bills?

Original poster
AdmiralCLingus · 12/03/2013 15:03

he works three saturdays out of 4, so dd will go to PIL's when I go out at 10, then he will go there after he's finished about 4:30, and I will meet them there at 8:30 when I finish.

I currently contribute very little except buying food for us all and stuff for dd, as I pretty much earn nothing. Up until last month (when my redundancy pay from last job ran out) I was paying him £400 a month as well as doing the shopping.

I have told him that the house is not really the place to do messy work, but haven't really pushed the matter iyswim? I just feel that because he is providing me somewhere to live I should be grateful and not nag at him?

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 12/03/2013 15:28

I just feel that because he is providing me somewhere to live I should be grateful and not nag at him?

Fuck me there is so much wrong with that I don't know where to start.

You have a child together, which makes you a family. Ergo everything is, or should be, shared.

midastouch · 12/03/2013 15:57

YANBU to ban his mess from the house, have you got a shed or garage for him to play in?

RobotHamster · 12/03/2013 16:04

I just feel that because he is providing me somewhere to live I should be grateful and not nag at him?

Holy shit.. is it the 50s?

Seriously, you should have an equal relationship. Things should be shared. You are not his skivvy and he does NOT have the right to treat you like this just because he's the one earning.

purrpurr · 12/03/2013 16:08

You were paying him £400 a month as well as buying all the food, providing 99% of childcare and 100% of domestic care?

WTAF?