Talk me out of doing something stupid, please

[eleanorsmom]

My Y6 daughter has been having trouble with low level bullying from a child (a former friend) for the past year. The former friend says mildly mean things "I read that book in year 3" "thank goodness Other child is on our netball team since you are so bad" etc almost every day. My Y6 child is quirky but never, ever mean. She sits by herself at lunch making up stories, she reads at break time, etc. I have tried to teach her how to defend herself, I brought it to the school's attention last year, I brought it to the schools' attention this year. My DD doesn't talk to me about it much (mostly her friends tell me what is going on) but Friday she was in tears. I am worried because the rest of Y6 has a lot of opportunity for bullying - the school play (they are in rehearsals all day for a week), an overnight trip etc. Lots of time that is not supervised by the classroom teacher.

I am thinking of going up to the former friend after school and saying "stop saying mean things to my DD. If you do it one more time, I will write to your senior school and tell them you are a mean little bitch and you will start school next year with everyone knowing that about you." I realize this is a bad idea.

I don't want DD to spend the next 3 months of school like this, and the school is not doing anything. They say they are "watching" but of course it always happens in the halls, in the lunch room when aides are watching, in the bus on the way to the park, etc. I can't stand the idea of it continuing.

(apologies, I'm off to do the school run and will check this thread in a few minutes, so if there are questions I will answer them then!)

How about you make the school act? Just letting them do nothing is not on imo.

Ask to see the bullying policy.

Demand an appointment with the head teacher.

Take it as far as you need to get action.

Hmm probably a very bad plan!
Not sure what else to suggest except go back to the school and start making a pain in the ass of yourself.
What do her other friends say about it?
Can they be relied on to help her out?

As a school governor myself I would want this matter resolved by the school. They need to address it. With both your child and the other. Your DD needs to know this isn't acceptable and that you won't rest until it is sorted.

Speak to the school and don't take no for an answer.

Have you named names to teachers? Have they separated them in class or talked to the girl at all? This is not on. Having your daughter in tears needs to be the last straw, take it up with them again and demand they do something. I think it's too easy to view these things as trivial mean things that kids just say to eachother, this girl is clearly making an effort to make your DD feel bad.

Talk to the girl's mother and ask her to speak to her DD, don't talk to the child directly, I don't think that will end well for you.

I can understand why you want to do that but you know already it's not the best thing to do. I imagine you feel quite helpless on the situation, waiting for school to take some action and this feels like something you can do.

However you're then tackling a bully, by threatening them and using your adult status, being bigger than them, not massively dissimilar from what a bully does.

Is there anything more you can do with your daughter to encourage her to open up and communicate better with you? Or a regular complete distraction with quality time just the two of you?

I used to be verbally bullied by a 'friend' at high school. I had a great relationship with my mum but never raised it with her, I just ignored the bully however it did go on for a year or so. After college and Uni I got much more confident and know I'd never be treated that way ever again, however also know that I dealt with it in the best way I could at the time. Things may have been different if I had spoken up about it, however for me, I think I was quite ashamed I was being picked on.

I hope things do improve for your daughter.

Don't go up to the former friend, definitely not, it won't make you feel any better because you'd be in the wrong doing it.

DD1 was in a similar situation this time last year when she was in Y6 and starting secondary in september, it's much better now she's there and got a wider group of friends.

I didn't know what to do either because the school seems to have just given up on trying to sort it as they were leaving soon anyway, I'm afraid DD1 had to just go through it and try to vent a bit at home

If I knew they were going to be so ineffective (thought they were doing more than they were) I probably would have got on at them more.

Your poor DD, it's really horrible when she's got no choice about being there.

Keep bugging them about it. Also make a complaint in writing, that way they actually have to do something. Hope you get it sorted.

Here's what I've done so far: last year I emailed the mother and asked to speak to her, that it was important and sensitive. Then I phoned. She never got back to me and has been avoiding me ever since (although she hardly ever is at the school, but she makes a serious effort to stay away from me, to the point that other people have noticed.)

With the school, I have named names, kept a log of incidents for two weeks (since each one is kind of small but together they are insidious), spoken with the classroom teacher and spoken with the head teacher. they have said that they will "watch to see if there is a problem and address is accordingly"

I suppose you are right, I should call them every single day that there is a problem and make a pain in the ass of myself.

Suzy, is there anything you would have done differently in retrospect? You would have been mortified if your daughter had done this, yes?

I know it is probably the emotional part of my mind looking for justification, but I wonder if the child was really intimidated if she would stop being nasty. Might be better for her? She wasn't always mean, just in the last year.

So they're going to stand around 'watching' your DD being treated like shit

It's not helpful is it?

You've done everything you could have reasonably done but they're not stepping up to the mark.

Agree you're going to have to be a PITA and force them to help your DD, but they really shouldn't need forcing and you shouldn't have to get shirty about it, I can't understand why they're not doing anything but passively standing by.

I think you have to keep on at the school about this and not contact either child or her parents. Have you spoken to a governor about your concerns about how well the anti-bullying policy is working - and have you seen the anti-bullying policy?

Sorry; mortified if your mother had done this

'but I wonder if the child was really intimidated if she would stop being nasty.'

I know exactly how you feel because I felt the same, but intimidating children is never the way to go.

No because she WILL tell her Mum and if that was my child you said it to I'd have your guts for garters.

Your poor dd though . I'd certainly be doing some Mum Glares at that child but that could just inflame the situation. Personally I'd be going in hard with the school. My opinion is there is 30 kids in the class and when you talk to them about these kinds of things it probably goes in one ear and out the other therefore I make sure they remember me . Eg I spoke to dd's teachers about issues she was having at school and then just happened to speak to the headmistress at an introductory coffee morning oh and the head of early years too! Informally of course, after all we were just chatting at a coffee morning. It got sorted though.

So they've "watched to see if there is a problem" and not seen one, despite your log of incidents. You're now going to have to get really tough. Insist on having a debriefing session with your dd and the teacher every day after school.
Get in their faces so they'll do something about the situation, if for no other reason than to get you off their backs.
A bit different to a bullying situation, but when my middle child was having speech therapy, and I just knew the teacher wasn't implementing the strategies the therapist had put in place; I sat at the back of the classroom during a lesson to see exactly how she was approaching things.

She wasn't a bit happy, and I came very close to being forcibly removed by security, but I did it and she never "forgot" again.

I also know exactly how you feel. But this is a child and you are an adult, who has control over her emotional responses. It could seriously backfire on you.

Badger the headteacher.

It is encouraging that you refer to your DD's friends ("My DD doesn't talk to me about it much (mostly her friends tell me what is going on") so she is not completely isolated? That is a positive. It is good to be independent even cool in a way but your DD needs peer support. Encourage her to rally support, hang out with people. If need be try something new, a sport or activity, something she can get good at and where she can make friends, older friends in the same school if possible. Get her out there, not become insular.

I would not confront the other child tempting as it is. Trying to address this with her mother is obviously a lost cause. Do as you have done, raise it with DD's teacher and keep on until you are satisfied something is being done about it. The trouble is for an outsider there is always the easy way out of saying it will blow over or is in some way healthy - "character building" - for your child to overcome this herself.

Instead bolster your DD's confidence. The other girl used to be a friend, that is what is so hard to get her head round. She is one face out of 100s. She says stupid untrue stuff to upset or put down. So either your DD turns a deaf ear or confronts her with this. Point out this is one child (who is not necessarily unhappy at home or a coward at heart, the usual explanation for bullies) just someone who for whatever reason resents your DD's outward poise or academic ability and can't get over it. Your DD has a lot going for her and this crap is not her fault but she doesn't want to get subsumed by it.

Have you used the word bullying to the headteacher, OP?

I also agree about bolstering confidence. Encourage your DD to have a life outside school, invite friends to play as much as possible.

I like the book "Bullies, bigmouths and So-called friends"

I agree. Time for the school to shit or get off the pot.

You've flagged it, you've recorded it: what do they want you to do go in in disguise and video it?

FGS.

1. E mail to Head requesting appt with HT and Teacher
2. Go through diary. Bring DD to tell her side.
3. School explain what they are going to do in line with bullying procedure.
4. School act, informing other child's parents.

If this does not happen before end of term, escalate to Governors.

In addition to all the excellent suggestions, I'd say get a copy of your school's complaints procedure and start working your way through it, along with continuing to talk to the HT and teacher. Put everything in writing and email it (if your school does email properly) or post it to them so they can't dismiss it later.

we had a similar situation with ds1 when he was in y6.

I requested a meeting with the head, explained the name calling etc. some of it was out of school, but that didn't seem to matter.

the bully and his parents were asked to meet with the school head, and the schools anti-bullying policy was discussed.

there was no more bullying after that.

so I would request a copy of the school's anti-bullying policy, then request a meeting with the head teacher. if this doesn't have any effect you can ask to speak with the chair of the governors.

hope this helps.

It's tricky eleanorsmum and I do just speak as someone who went through verbal bullying, I don't have children myself yet.

To be honest hindsight can be a wonderful thing but also sometimes wrong. I'd have felt mortified at my mum saying anything to my friend / bully, also if she'd said anything to her parents. However I think that if the latter had happened, she would have backed off as knew there were consequences and I wasn't going to silently take it like I did. I'm sure she would also have denied it all but I don't feel, in my particular set of circumstances it would have escalated or become physical.

In my position it was that horrible phase some girls go through and can be very nasty. With reflection I think she was not confident, although was one of the 'cool and in' girls, she got her confidence boost by feeling 'better' than me and making comments.

This was about 15yrs ago and schools then didn't seem to up on bullying back then in our area, even so as I mentioned even if they had been great I do think I was ashamed of the situation and I guess part of me felt I could sweep it all under the rug by ignoring it, however the hurt was there.

Others will be able to give better advice on schools and the process.

hi OP, How are things looking with regard to senior school? Is there an older sibling there to help during September?

soaccidentprone that sounds really good. And lots of other good advice on here.

Do not approach the bully, I did that and it all went wrong. ( on another thread). I'm afraid you will need to make a nuisance of yourself to school, as the others said. Will she be going to the same secondary school as bully girl?

I'd second the book 'Bullies, bigmouths and So-called friends', I got it after it being recommended to me on here and DD found it really helpful.