Talk me out of doing something stupid, please

[eleanorsmom]

My Y6 daughter has been having trouble with low level bullying from a child (a former friend) for the past year. The former friend says mildly mean things "I read that book in year 3" "thank goodness Other child is on our netball team since you are so bad" etc almost every day. My Y6 child is quirky but never, ever mean. She sits by herself at lunch making up stories, she reads at break time, etc. I have tried to teach her how to defend herself, I brought it to the school's attention last year, I brought it to the schools' attention this year. My DD doesn't talk to me about it much (mostly her friends tell me what is going on) but Friday she was in tears. I am worried because the rest of Y6 has a lot of opportunity for bullying - the school play (they are in rehearsals all day for a week), an overnight trip etc. Lots of time that is not supervised by the classroom teacher.

I am thinking of going up to the former friend after school and saying "stop saying mean things to my DD. If you do it one more time, I will write to your senior school and tell them you are a mean little bitch and you will start school next year with everyone knowing that about you." I realize this is a bad idea.

I don't want DD to spend the next 3 months of school like this, and the school is not doing anything. They say they are "watching" but of course it always happens in the halls, in the lunch room when aides are watching, in the bus on the way to the park, etc. I can't stand the idea of it continuing.

(apologies, I'm off to do the school run and will check this thread in a few minutes, so if there are questions I will answer them then!)

Thanks everyone for the advice and support. I just ordered the book and made an appt with the classroom teacher and head teacher. And downloaded the school bullying policy! DD is not going to the same senior school next year, which is a relief.

Not only put everything in writing - insist that you get answers in writing too. Whatever they verbally agree to, get them to put that in writing, then they can't wriggle out of things.

Inform the school and parents by email - keep it factual

Check school website for bullying policy, remember key points book an appointment with the head. Ask why the bullying policy has not being enforced, watch head squirm, tell head you'll be back before Easter break up to see if you're happy with what's happening. Make it firm you'll take it to governor's if your not happy.
Worked for me just before Xmas!!

Don't go up to the former friend.
Don't approach the mother.

DO go to the school and ask them to invoke their anti-bullying policy.
DO keep a log of what is happening.

In a local school to me, the bystanders are considered complicit in bullying if they don't step in and try and stop it amongst their own friends/classmates. Why has no one done/said anything to the teachers amongst those who have witnessed the carry on of this one girl? The teachers and staff need to sort this out before they finish up and go on to senior school.

My sister approached a bully and they stopped. I know it's wrong in effect but sometimes schools are shit with this kind of thing. My sister could not bear it anymore and said "If you look at my DD in a mean fashion or say ONE bad thing to her, I'm going to wait for your Mother and sort HER out...you can watch."

My sister wouldn't threaten a 10 year old child but felt that she could not sit and watch her DD get pushed and beaten down any more. Her DD was 9 and a young 9...her confidence was failing. School made lots of noises but did nothing.

The girl was frightened and the bullying stopped.

Fingers crossed my Ds' bully has stopped too, after sending him a message saying if he didn't I would contact school, and the community police officer. Didn't approach his dm, as she would have had a hissy fit. Still got accused of my message being bullying, but so far it has worked

I spent 2 terms going into the head constantly about some bullying that was so bad I had to physically drag my crying child into school - the head refused to do anything other than "watch" and said that she hadn't seen anything going on - I couldn't take her unhelpful attitude any longer and switched schools - when she found out she was leaving the school the head approached me in the playground in front of everyone and said she had now spoken to the children involved and they all said it was dd3 to blame and she believed them! Unfortunately although dd3 was happier at the next school the bullying has had a huge impact on her and seems to have marked her out as a victim no matter where she goes - she's getting better now at middle school - but only after I mentioned to the form teacher the issues with this previous head and the pupils (who of course dd3 is now back with) - some schools are better than others at dealing with things and I've found that the bigger a school is then they usually have something in pace for the children to help them cope.

If the other kid is trying to crack jokes or score points at your DD's expense, can your DD or her friends call her on it?

OP, it's never too young to learn the MN standby phrase. "Did you mean to be so rude?" It nicely highlights the inappropriateness of the bully's statements without escalating or resorting to name calling.