Well......

[longtallgirl]

Prior to meeting my gorgeous Husband he was, for a short and awful time, married to an emotionally and physically abusive woman. The woman had a young baby when they met whom my husband commited to raising (biological father had run away!)...she has married,baby, divorced (fourth time) since. My husband continued to raise child including paying maintenace until she and now ex husband became extremely threathening to me and husband and playing tug of war with the child. My husband was forced away painfully and the child told we had abandoned him amongst many other lies. 4 years later.....
I have been offered a Senior role in the Secondary School that the child now attends and am concerned about reopening this can of worms for my husband or the child....in addition to my professionalism being compromised. It is not unimaginable that the Mother would try to cause problems...... Do I accept the role or walk away. I just wanted an objective opinion really....

My instinct says don't take the role, as it will cause a lot of problems by the sounds of it.

On the other hand, why should you compromise your career for this woman?

Could you talk to the school about your concerns and see if they have any suggestions for a strategy for managing this?

If your conscience is clear then I don't think you should let this woman stop you from taking a good job (they are not that easy to find at the moment).

I do think that you should discuss this with the HT, as it is only fair that she should be braced for a complaint from your DH's ex. If she is as awful as you describe, she may already be on their radar.

What does your DH think about it? You need to talk through what you would do if the child confronted you about abandoning her, and how you can maintain your professionalism in that scenario I think.

I think you should take the role, the school think you are the best candidate so why let the thought of this woman put you off.

Discuss the situation with the school for advice?

Thankyou! I suppose, it's not so much about her (despite her belief that all revolves around her!) but more about how this could affect the child or my husband. We have had no contact for 4 years. The child has had a very fractured childhood so far and my husband was the only real constant.

I'm not sure that I feel comfortable about beginning such a responsible role by introducing an issue from my personal life.

If you've had no contact for four years will the child remember you, is he/she 11 or older?

I'm quite sure I would be remembered. The child was old enough and involved with me when staying with us. And yes, our conscience is absolutely clear....although I'm sure she would spend much of her time fabricating malicious tales to the contrary.
I agree that great jobs are rare and all of the thoughts about my career but wonder if my needs should on this occasion take second place to protecting the childs and my husband.....

Will you have direct contact/be teaching the child?

If not I agree with Sugarice, the child may well not know who you are.

I think you should take the role but make the school aware of everything before you start that way they should give you their support should anything kick off . Congratulations on the new job

I agree with other posters, speak to the school.
It could go the way where she remembers you fondly and will be happy to see someone she knows who

The role is a Senior role and I would have a teaching load and so could potentially teach the child.....Certainly I would be visible within the school community....

offered her love and support and consistency

posted too soon, sorry!

goodjambadjar (great nickname!).. It would be lovely to think that may happen, however, it is unlikely that this woman would allow that. The child has had so much confusion and been subject to so much conflict, I feel that I don't want to add to that.....I am also concerned that my husband, who would support me whatever my choice, will find my potential contact with the child too painful as he was so commited to doing the right thing and sacrificed a lot to protect the child....

When do you have to give the school your decision?

You are sounding as if you may turn it down, that would be a terrible shame baring in mind the child will be at the school 5 years maximum, how old is the child?

I would still want to take the job, but be honest with the school. They might be able to offer some support for both you and the child.

I need to accept or decline this week.
The child is now in Year 8 and so will be in Year 9 when I start there.
I feel concerned that I am being selfish and unethical by wanting to take the job.....as a professional with the welfare of children at the heart of my job, shouldn't I put the child first? Ultimately, my husband gave up Contact to prevent the child for being caought in the middle of the hatred this woman creates....

The child will be there for two further years when you start then will move on, seems a shame to decline it on that basis.

If you really want the job and are good at what you do you should accept it.

Thanks, I like my name too!

anyway...
Talk to hubby. talk to the school. They need to know there could be possible conflict with the bitch queen from hell, erm, I mean mum. They might have a policy in place to protect all involved.
I don't think you can make the decision without talking to school and dh.
Please don't make a rash decision before having those conversations, I believe you should look at all your options. This could be an amazing opportunity for you.

I would disclose the situation to the school ahead of accepting the job, to get round any potential spite incidences from the child's mother.

But then I would probably accept the job anyway, especially in this day and environment of uncertainty.

It might be a little strange for the child, but he may like to see you again - he may want to find out more about what happened, in which case you might have to take some advice on how to handle that situation.

What does your DH think you should do?

goodjambadjar..bitch queen from hell (your words not mine!!!!)...You're right. My Hubby will support whatever I choose to do, but in his heart this would be difficult for him....and he wants to protect me.
It could be an excellent opportunity and at just the right time in our lives.....I'm worried that I'm being selfish in even considering it.

If you were selfish you'd have taken the job without thinking, and certainly not have come here asking for advice. It seems you're genuinely trying to do the right thing, so ring the school and let us know how you get on!

Thankyou!!! I thought more of you would think I was being a wicked witch and value the reasonable comments you've given, thankyou for taking the time!
goodjambadjar...I'm sure your jar is as fine as your jam!

firstly congratulations on getting the job it sounds like it was hard to get. You are not being selfish for wanting to take this job, but as others have said you absolutely must talk to the school before you make a final decision. Were you aware of this when you applied for the job?

Your professional life should not be affected, but on the other had a child who has already had a lot of disruption in their life should not have more, he will remember you and it is possible he will feel resentment towards you

good luck with whatever you decide

Could you adopt your maiden name when you work at the school. That would enable you to conduct your profession whilst retaining a degree of anonymity where the child is concerned and more importantly his/her mother.

Darn, just read you'd actually met the child. Would she remember you?

I second the others saying to talk to the school. Likely that if your as good as your thoughtful posts suggest they'll want to figure something out.

Thankyou!