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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not included on DP's Mother's Day card

57 replies

Dysgu · 10/03/2013 21:40

This is a discussion that DP and I have every year and I really don't know which if us is being U.

DP sends his DMum a card for Mother's Day but only signs it as being from him, DD1 and DD2. I am never included. We have been together for 10 years, lived together for 7+ years and have 2DC and a third due any time, so clearly a long-term, serious relationship. I get on very well with his DMum.

He does not see why I should be included in a card to his DMum. I have no real problem with not being included apart from the fact that he does include DDs - he says he includes then as she is their DGrandmother but I say it is Mother's Day not Grandmother's Day.

I automatically include him (and DDs) on card to my DMum as surely we all wish her a lovely day?

Opinions please??

OP posts:
maddening · 10/03/2013 21:58

I send a card from just me and a separate card from just ds.

Dfiance (been together 10 years) does the same.

mamapants · 10/03/2013 21:59

YABU. She isn't your mum. My brain just thinks its completely illogical to have your name on it. If he feels it would be weird that's his perogative.
He includes you on xmas and birthday cards so he isn't excluding you from family life just he feels it isn't appropriate on a mothers day card and I think he's entitled to feel that way. I don't think you should take it personally.

squeakytoy · 10/03/2013 22:04

My MIL is like a second mum to me and I got a card from us that said "from both of us". My stepkids get her ones that say to Nan .. and include their partners and childrens names on it.

We have been married for over ten years so it would seem odd to me NOT to put both our names on a card. When my own mum was alive I signed the card with both our names on it then too..

JugglingFromHereToThere · 10/03/2013 22:06

I sent a card to my Mum and asked my two DC's to sign it as well and DS even drew an extra flower picture inside.
I didn't sign it from DH or ask him to sign it as it would be a bit of a faff asking him to sign anything, and I feel my Mum is my Mum and DC's GM, DH nt so much in the picture regarding Mother's day. Also my MIL passed away a few years ago so could be a bit sensitive for DH.
But mostly I think me and the DC's signing it should be enough. It's from us really !
So, I wouldn't take your DP's approach personally. I can see his thinking and it seems fair enough to me. Smile
Just ask if you can sign it too if you want to ?

UniqueAndAmazing · 10/03/2013 22:06

agree with pp - either it should be from just him or from all of you.
it is decidedly odd to put your children and not you

thegreylady · 10/03/2013 22:07

My card was just from dd which seemed right to me.My ds and his wife live abroad and sent separate fb messages this morning.

SanityClause · 10/03/2013 22:09

DH and I fell out about this big time one year.

He's never left me off, again.

I don't care if it's from him, or from all of us, but just him and the DC, without me? No way!

wrongsideoftheroad · 10/03/2013 22:09

YANBU, he should send it from him only.

Off on a tangent, but I never really understand this: "we have been engaged for forever but actually getting married is not something either of us feels particularly strongly about"

Why would you get engaged to be married if you don't actually want to get married?

WipsGlitter · 10/03/2013 22:10

I write my card to my mum just from me. She is MY mum. DP tries to get me to sign cards to his dad egg Father's Day, I don't want to. He's not MY dad.

Follyfoot · 10/03/2013 22:14

Didnt see what DH put in his Mum's card but I'd be fine if I wasnt included and his children were tbh.

Startail · 10/03/2013 22:15

he's being weird, either just him or all of you.

Mind you I've been known to buy, write and send DMIL mothers' day cards, DHs scrawl is easy to forge and we have only one post a day.

Original poster
Dysgu · 10/03/2013 22:16

Obviously an interesting question with a range of answers... as I said, this is not a cause of great disharmony in our house, just something that happens each year and we clearly have different feelings about it.

I do still think it is odd that he includes DDs but not me and accept that that may well continue to be the case in the future.

Wrongsideoftheroad we got engaged when I was expecting DD1. DP got down on his knee on the Ponte Vecchio in Florence and all very romantic. However, since then we have had the DCs with another on the way and each time we consider getting married we can think of more important things to do with the money. We do have Wills sorted and will probably get around to getting married sometime - but it is much more about a legal paperwork side TBH and we are very happy the way we are. (have just seen a thread about someone sorting their wedding in 3.5 weeks - that is the sort of thing we will end up doing one day.)

OP posts:
wrongsideoftheroad · 10/03/2013 22:19

That's fair enough, dysgu. I don't, personally, see the point of calling a co-habiting state a state of engagement when there are absolutely no plans to get married any time in the near future.

But I realise I'm derailing the thread by going down that road, so I will stop.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 10/03/2013 22:20

Yabu. She is only his mum, so it should only be from him.

NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 10/03/2013 22:23

DH signs the card for his mum.. from him
I sign the card for my mum from all of us..

Writehand · 10/03/2013 22:28

My DH never signed my card to my mum, and I didn't sign his to his mum. Mother's Day cards are for mothers from their children, though many also include grandchildren.Your DP sends his mum a card signed by him and all her grandchildren, which seems OK to me. But it obviously bothers you.

I suspect this is to do with what your DP knows about her views on you not being married. Or even your DP's views. You say he doesn't feel strongly about it, but if he comes from a very religious family I'd expect him to have strong feelings about it whatever feelings they were. People from that sort of background either follow suit or rebel.

WafflyVersatile · 10/03/2013 22:36

If he sends birthday cards from you then I'd try to just take it as his little quirk and not worry about it too much.

Trills · 10/03/2013 22:37

YABU.

She's not your mother or grandmother. Why would you be sending her a card on Mother's Day?

Yfronts · 10/03/2013 22:38

He is a tit. She is YOUR MOTHERinlaw, what more is there to be said.

ELR · 10/03/2013 22:39

I signed my card to my mum love from ELR and then put underneath DH, dd and ds love you too xxxxxx

LittleEdie · 10/03/2013 22:42

I agree with your DH. YABU.

candyandyoga · 10/03/2013 22:53

He is being a total cock. What a massive arse! So he includes your dd's but not you?! What a twat.

poglol · 10/03/2013 23:23

Me n Dh just send to our own mothers on mothers day. I think it is just to your mum, really.

IneedAsockamnesty · 10/03/2013 23:25

Agree it should be just from him or from all of you. Nothing wrong with either but just him and the kids is weird.

Original poster
Dysgu · 11/03/2013 09:24

Thank you to everyone for your views - whatever they are. This is clearly one of his (many) quirks and it does seem to be something about which some people have strong views. As I already said, this is not a major issue, I was just wondering which of us was 'right' and it seems that we both are or we both aren't.

I expect we will continue with the way things are...

And wrongsideoftheroad thank you for your thoughts regarding engagement/marriage/co-habitation. Obviously a whole other thread but we did get engaged with a view to getting married - but then children, jobs and travel have side-tracked us. I expect you are right in thinking he may have strong views - although I think they are more related to the hassle of having to invite extended family and having to organise (and pay) for a wedding. I expect we will simply get married some day (once I lose this current baby weight a bit) and continue very much as we are. I guess we both want to be married but the money, motivation and 'botheredness' about a wedding have not yet coincided...

OP posts: