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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this was really insensitive of the school?

37 replies

muminthecity · 10/03/2013 19:46

I'm genuinely not sure if I am being unreasonable about this.

My grandad died about 5 weeks ago. We were very close and it was very difficult for me, but even more difficult for my DD, who was very close to her great grandad. It was her first experience of death and she found it incredibly difficult to come to terms with. The school know this, she had time off for the funeral and has on several occasions become very upset in class, usually when there is any mention of families/grandparents.

It would have been grandad's birthday last Tuesday, and at the end of the day, DD's teacher spoke to me to let me know that DD had had a difficult day, had become upset and cried several times throughout the day.

So the school is well aware of the difficult time DD has had and how much she has struggled with her loss.

Anyway, this evening, DD and I sat down together to read her school reading book. The book is called Grandma's Smile and the very first sentence of the book is 'My Grandpa died yesterday..' It then goes on to talk about how sad this little girl is and how she wants to make her grandma smile again. DD got upset at the first sentence and we had to give up and put the book away.

So AIBU to think that this was very insensitive of the teacher, and do you think I should mention it to her tomorrow? I realise that I may be overreacting slightly due to my own grief so am interested to hear other opinions.

OP posts:
Original poster
muminthecity · 10/03/2013 19:46

DD is 7 and in year 2 by the way.

OP posts:
Fatherfluffybottom · 10/03/2013 19:49

Yes I would say that was very insensitive. Your poor DD.

kilmuir · 10/03/2013 19:49

I am sorry for your loss but I would not find this insensitive.
I believe that talking about death and the loss of someone dear is a good thing.

strawberrypenguin · 10/03/2013 19:49

I can see how it can come across as insensitive but do the think the teacher might have hoped it would have the effect of helping your DD process and deal with her grief? Agree the teacher should have spoken to you first though

strawberrypenguin · 10/03/2013 19:50

Sorry to hear of your loss btw I hope you can remember him without sadness soon Thanks

janji · 10/03/2013 19:51

Maybe the teacher thought this would help your dd to talk more about grandads passing and didn't realise it would in fact upset her more.

livinginwonderland · 10/03/2013 19:51

i think your DD needs to talk about it, actually, and reading books about death are normally a really good way for kids to accept it and understand it better. maybe the teacher set the book because she knew DD was struggling?

Picturesinthefirelight · 10/03/2013 19:52

I think it sounds like it was given to her on purpose.

kilmuir · 10/03/2013 19:52

The book might have been a chance to discuss how she feels, have a cry together etc?

Fatherfluffybottom · 10/03/2013 19:52

I wouldn't complain as such but I would take the book back in and explain and expect it to be changed and then I would wait patiently for the apology. It may not be forthcoming but at least you've solved the immediate problem for your DD in not having to read an inappropriate upsetting book.

Original poster
muminthecity · 10/03/2013 19:53

But we have talked about it, over and over and over again. It was the shock more than anything. If I had had some warning I could have talked to DD about the subject of the book and chosen an appropriate moment to look at it together.

Thank you for the replies.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 10/03/2013 19:54

It's quite a caring thing to do IMO, although they maybe could have had a word with you about it beforehand if you've talked about it to the teacher already.

claudedebussy · 10/03/2013 19:54

hard one.

i do think the teacher thought it would help her. i don't think she was being thoughtless. she probably saw it and thought it might help your dd to read about someone else in her situation.

i don't think an apology is called for tbh. but you could say your dd was very upset and couldn't read it, could she get another book please?

Original poster
muminthecity · 10/03/2013 19:55

Fatherfluffybottom - that is exactly what I was thinking of doing. I certainly won't complain or kick up a fuss, but I think I will mention it, find out if it was given to her deliberately (and if so, why I wasn't warned/why there was no note in her reading record) and ask for it to be changed.

OP posts:
Fatherfluffybottom · 10/03/2013 19:55

I don't think it's for the school to involve itself in a sensitive, family matter which you are obviously dealing with, with much love and care for your DD. If it was given on purpose, they have overeached themselves IMO.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 10/03/2013 19:56

We lost DMil last year and to help my dds understand the whole process a bit better I bought a few recommended story books about loved ones dying. There was a lovely one about a dog that died and could see its owner from heaven, I forget the name, but they seemed to take it on board. Perhaps the school thought it would be helpful for your daughter to read through the process and know she's not the only one.

So sorry for your loss. It's horrible isn't it?

MrsMcEnroe · 10/03/2013 19:56

I think the teacher should have discussed it with you first, or at least put a note in your DD's book bag when the book arrived home with her, but I do think that you are overreacting. It is very important to help your DD come to terms with her loss, and a book like this will be very helpful.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I lost both my parents when I had very young DC so I do understand .... and I think your grief is clouding your judgment a little. Hiding from the grief won't help in the long run, although it might feel easier now.

Cruse (www.cruse.org.uk) is a bereavment charity - you will find a wealth of resources on their website which will help both you and your DD, either now or at a later date when you feel more able to cope with it.

I wish you all the best.

MrsMcEnroe · 10/03/2013 19:57

x-posted, had only seen your first post, OP, when I posted mine x

Original poster
muminthecity · 10/03/2013 19:58

I agree that reading something like this might be helpful to some children, but not if the parents know nothing about it! What if DD had read it by herself, as she often does?

As it is, she becomes a sobbing, inconsolable mess when there is any mention of death at the moment, so I'm not sure reading books about death will be helpful?

OP posts:
secretofcrickleyhall · 10/03/2013 19:58

I'm so sorry about your grandad, but if it's a school reading book won't it be one that most of the children will access at some point?

Also, he was her great grandad - won't most primary aged children lose a great grandparent at a fairly young age? I lost all my grandparents before leaving primary, although my parents were quite old when they had me.

x

kilmuir · 10/03/2013 20:01

if she is an inconsolable mess in school then they maybe thought it would help. Don't think you should expect an apology, it was not unkind or meant to hurt.

SneezySnatcher · 10/03/2013 20:01

Are you sure the teacher knew what the book was about? At my school, the children choose their own books within their band and don't read with the teacher until after it's been home. If the teacher isn't familiar with the story, they may not have even realised what had happened. It's also possible a TA who didn't know the situation may have provided the book.

I'd definitely mention it, but be prepared for the teacher to not know about it!

SuperSaint · 10/03/2013 20:01

My DS is in Yr 2 and they change their own books. They pick a new one out of the box they are on and either the TA or a Parent helper writes the title in their reading record.

Maybe the teacher did not know what book she'd been given and the TA or helper did not know the content as they just saw the title. I'm sure the teacher will understand if you explain it was too upsetting to read.

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 10/03/2013 20:03

A few days after my daughter died the school sent home a worksheet called 'dead or alive' and the children had to mark whether the things on the page were alive or not. I went in with it because it had upset ds a lot. The teacher was mortified, looking back now I can see that my daughter dying was the only thing going on in our family so we were all treading carefully all the time, the teachers have lots of children and circumstances to think about and its easy for the odd thing to slip through the net.

I would mention it to the teacher to remind her, but I wouldn't be too annoyed.

So sorry for your loss Thanks

Fatherfluffybottom · 10/03/2013 20:06

Secret - I don't think that will be much consolation in this case. It doesn't matter about ages or relationships when you love someone and then they're gone.

I'm not a teacher but I hope if I was I would have enough sensitivity to leave a family to their grief to deal with as they see fit, support their child at school but otherwise leave well enough alone. I would be upset if this was me, OP Thanks

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