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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want MiL to look after our baby?

43 replies

alisunshine29 · 09/03/2013 14:26

Next week I have an important lecture, DP usually has our 8 month old but this time he can't. My lecturer said I could take baby this once - it's at her nap time so should be ok but we agreed I'd take her out if she was disrupting anyone else. DP called his mum and asked if she'd have DD and she said yes, which I appreciate is kind BUT...she has made comments in the past which mean I don't feel comfortable leaving DD with her. For example:
When DD was a couple of months old MIL looked after her for a couple of hours. I'd expressed milk and DD slept until literally 5 mins before we got home when she was very upset and wouldn't take bottle. MiL commented when we got home that if she'd had a dummy to hand she'd have 'shoved that in to keep her quiet'
She was due to look after DD when she was 5 months and said she'd be bringing along chocolate buttons to keep DD quiet.
We were on a day out a few weeks ago With PiL. DD hadn't seen them since Christmas and cried when MiL took her from me the minute she got here - normal behaviour IMO. MiL said she was clingy and tutted and shook her head when I took her back. When we arrived at day out I put DD in Pushchair and as I closed boot MiL walked off with DD. DD started crying and so I put her in carrier instead and she was settled immediately. MiL said I'm spoiling her and shouldn't let her get her own way. I said I'm hardly going to leave her to cry in Pushchair and spoil everyone's day out when there's a way for DD to be happy at no detriment to anyone else. She said to DD 'you'll be in for a shock when nanny looks after you then.'

AIBU to not want her to look after DD?

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 09/03/2013 14:29

I'd take her to the lecture. Mil sounds draconian.

Just tell her thanks for her kind offer and don't leave your child with her until baby is old enough to tell you stuff.

Wishiwasanheiress · 09/03/2013 14:31

Harsh but agree with above. People behave in ways with babies they don't with toddlers. Really strange to me. Babies aren't wilful!

AgentZigzag · 09/03/2013 14:35

Just on the face of it, the first two sound a bit jokey, although if they were you'd have taken them as banter wouldn't you?

The third one does sound like she thinks you're pandering to your baby, forgetting that babies do need pandering to because they can't do anything for themselves!

The lack of care when she talks about your DD would make me wonder how that might come out when she's looking after her.

Does she consistently talk about your DD like this, or could these just be things you've concentrated on and she's OK the rest of the time?

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy · 09/03/2013 14:39

For "youre going to be in for a shock when nanny looks after you." alone I would not dream of leaving my baby in her care.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 09/03/2013 14:40

Thing is I don't like her looking after elder DD (5.5) either as she sits her in front of films alone with loads of chocolate leaving her lethargic or hyper and with tummy ache. I envisaged grandma's crafting, gardening etc with grandkids - not this. However my friend thinks I'm being silly as MiL had 5 kids of her own 'and they survived' and MiL is the only potential unpaid babysitter we have. She says I'm being awkward when I say I'd rather pay for someone to care for them properly/according to my wishes.

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Original poster

alisunshine29 · 09/03/2013 14:46

She makes many constant comments - when she saw DD had several teeth she said 'it's time to force that bottle on her' and keeps bringing 'spare' formula from SiL with her. She said DP is ridiculous for bringing DD to see me so I can nurse her at lunch and that if she's hungry enough she'll take a bottle. She puts a cot up when we stay despite knowing we co-sleep.

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Dylanlovesbaez · 09/03/2013 14:46

Oh I get this crap too, you are spoiling her, she's clingy, she's a madam etc. she's 10 months old!! Do not leave your baby with her,

dondon33 · 09/03/2013 14:46

I'm not sure.
The feeding incident - was mil specifically told to wake the baby to feed and she didn't or was she simply waiting for lo to wake up? if it's the latter then I don't find anything wrong in that. Her comment later sounds a bit though.

Chocolate buttons I'd have a problem with and I'd make it perfectly clear that my child was not to be given rubbish to 'shut up'.

The crying when not seeing people for a while is normal imo and there's not a great deal you can do about it, personally I'd have let mil keep pushing the pushchair but made sure Lo could still see that I was there and gave her a chance to settle.
Maybe mil didn't realise when she first seen your dd (that day) that she wouldn't be comfy with being taken from you, but she should now. She should take it easy, don't be too full on and in your dd's face - gently does it, I always find smiling, making them laugh, playing for a short time wins their trust enough to allow me to hold them.
She definitely shouldn't be making those kind of comments to you, regardless that she has different parenting views to you - it's not her child and she should be respecting your rules.
You're NOT spoiling her, at that age your dd has no power to 'know' how to manipulate - she just knows she's more at ease with mummy/daddy than a 'strange' person who she doesn't see often.

Dylanlovesbaez · 09/03/2013 14:48

My mil fed her solids at 3 months without asking permission. I was devastated. She also think she knows what dd wants 'oh she must be tired' 'she's hungry' etc. I found the hungry one really rude and critical when I was breast feeding. She went on and on about giving dd formula.
I don't think I will ever leave dd with her.
Just say thanks but you've made other arrangements. Any arguing then just tell her it's not up for discussion.

dondon33 · 09/03/2013 14:52

I was willing to give her the benefit of doubt..... but now you've expanded..... Nope! YANBU I wouldn't leave any of my Dc with her neither. So what she's had 5 kids that 'survived' of course they did, she fed them but her lack of parenting skills are shocking.

AgentZigzag · 09/03/2013 14:54

You can have who you want to look after your DC whatever way you think best, it's your call.

But sitting them down in front of the box with some munchies isn't what I would call abusive behaviour

The crafty/gardening GP are usually those who do crafty/gardening things all the time, it's unreasonable to expect your MIL to be someone she's not.

To me, the most valuable thing GPs can give their GC is the ability to do things they don't do with their parents. We used to get biscuits in the morning at my GP house, before breakfast!! It was the smallest but most incredibly brilliant thing to me and my brother at the time, it meant so much.

If it's possible you might be a tad over controlling in her sitting your DS in front of the telly, could it also be possible you're taking some of the other things she's said not in the spirit they were meant in?

dondon33 · 09/03/2013 14:55

Dylan - OMG! that's unforgivable :( I'd find it very hard to even want to speak to an ignorant bitch like that never mind allow any of my dc to have contact with her.

TidyDancer · 09/03/2013 15:01

It doesn't sound ideal, but none of it is heinous. And it would be better than having DD potentially disrupting what you describe as an important lecture.

Failing that, is there really not a friend that you could call on as a one off?

I really would make taking DD to the lecture the absolute last resort.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 09/03/2013 15:02

Thing is if I'd pushed DD for 2 mins she'd have gone to sleep and MIL could have pushed her while I played with elder DD - as I'd suggested on the way. When we were having a picnic DD was playing happily and MiL picked her up from behind, without warning, away from me, her toys and her sister who she'd been playing with and told her she was a drama queen when she cried...!

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seriouscakeeater · 09/03/2013 15:04

My ex MIL fed my five months spaghetti and I didn't know about it till she sneezed and a little peice of noodle came through her nose. I was so upset.
YANBU take her with you .

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 09/03/2013 15:08

It isan important lecture but I don't think I'd be able to concentrate knowing DD might well be upset. She's only seen MiL once since Christmas and she made her cry more times in a 6 hour visit than she usually does in a week. Plus she'd be likely to pack a dummy/formula/chocolate and then say it's better than DD being upset. I have no one else to have DD.

OP posts:

AgentZigzag · 09/03/2013 15:10

It could be a case of 'I'm older I know better than you', what's her tone of voice like when she's saying these things.

I can imagine scenarios when 'shoved that in to keep her quiet', 'I'm bringing chocolate buttons along with me' and 'You're such a drama queen' could all be said with a smile and an adoring look in the eye, maybe just teasing you if she can see you clenching as she approaches, and she had no such plans to do anything with the dummy or choc.

If she's prickly and offhand then fair enough.

Is she affectionate towards your DC?

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 09/03/2013 15:14

She is usually into crafting/gardening/baking which elder DD would love to do with her. She has a huge garden which DD loves but MiL encourages her to sit inside watching films instead so DD won't ask her to push her on the swing. She looked after elder DD while I was having baby and when we arrived back at 2am DD was still up and playing quietly in her room because she'd been watching films literally all day. So 6 hours after giving birth and after having been up for 2 days with contractions, I was then up with elder DD til 4am!

OP posts:

TidyDancer · 09/03/2013 15:14

I'm not seeing the issue with the chocolate or especially the dummy tbh. Have a word with her about that and the formula if you feel you need to though.

It really is not fair to take a baby to a lecture that could disrupt other people besides yourself, even if the lecturer says it's okay. Especially if as you say it is important.

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 09/03/2013 15:21

It is 'i'm older and have had more kids so know best.' Elder DD did adore her but is now fed up with being fobbed off with TV when she'd love her to read her a story etc. She has other grandchildren whose life she isn't in so you would think she'd make particular effort with these ones. She isn't saying it in a humourous way - more in a goading way that one day she'll get her way.

OP posts:

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 09/03/2013 15:27

I know it isn't ideal to take her with me - it's more of a tutorial and only 3 others are going all of whom have said they're fine with baby coming. They're mature students who speak htheir mind and wouldn't feel obliged to agree. Dummy comment I just find silly - baby had cried for 5 mins and didn't usually have a dummy. If I was looking after a baby I would hope I'd be a bit more patient than try to try and keep them quiet with a dummy after just five mins.

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 09/03/2013 15:34

I think you know that you can't leave your baby with MIL and not be upset all day, so don't do it. If you have another option (taking your DD with you) then do that. Call her yourself today and say "oh MIL, thank you so much for your kind offer to have DD on X day, but DH was mixed up, I don't need someone else to have her - but it's so good to know you are happy to help in an emergancy!"

Just because someone's DCs survived to adulthood, doesn't mean that their way is acceptable for your DCs, failing to kill or seriously mame your DCs is a bare minimum, you aren't being precious if you have alternative options to want more than 'bare minimum'.

DontmindifIdo · 09/03/2013 15:35

BTW - if it's purely for the one hour of the tutorial, do you have any student friends who'd be happy to sit outside/ in a nearby cafe with DD while she sleeps in the buggy, with agreement to text you if DD wakes up and needs you?

WoTmania · 09/03/2013 15:44

YANBU - sounds like she is one of those grandparents who thinks her way is the only way and dislikes her DIL/DS doing things differently.

If your tutor/lecturer is okay with your baby going and the other student attending I'd go for it. Small babies IME are easy to deal with - pop them in a sling, offer to nurse if they squeak and you're sorted

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 09/03/2013 15:51

It's for 2.5 hours at DD's nap time so she should hopefully sleep through it. It's just how to tell DP that I'll take her instead of his mum looking after her as he keeps saying his mum would like to help and the snidey comments are all directed at me rather than him.

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