Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to not want MiL to look after our baby?

43 replies

alisunshine29 · 09/03/2013 14:26

Next week I have an important lecture, DP usually has our 8 month old but this time he can't. My lecturer said I could take baby this once - it's at her nap time so should be ok but we agreed I'd take her out if she was disrupting anyone else. DP called his mum and asked if she'd have DD and she said yes, which I appreciate is kind BUT...she has made comments in the past which mean I don't feel comfortable leaving DD with her. For example:
When DD was a couple of months old MIL looked after her for a couple of hours. I'd expressed milk and DD slept until literally 5 mins before we got home when she was very upset and wouldn't take bottle. MiL commented when we got home that if she'd had a dummy to hand she'd have 'shoved that in to keep her quiet'
She was due to look after DD when she was 5 months and said she'd be bringing along chocolate buttons to keep DD quiet.
We were on a day out a few weeks ago With PiL. DD hadn't seen them since Christmas and cried when MiL took her from me the minute she got here - normal behaviour IMO. MiL said she was clingy and tutted and shook her head when I took her back. When we arrived at day out I put DD in Pushchair and as I closed boot MiL walked off with DD. DD started crying and so I put her in carrier instead and she was settled immediately. MiL said I'm spoiling her and shouldn't let her get her own way. I said I'm hardly going to leave her to cry in Pushchair and spoil everyone's day out when there's a way for DD to be happy at no detriment to anyone else. She said to DD 'you'll be in for a shock when nanny looks after you then.'

AIBU to not want her to look after DD?

OP posts:

lagoonhaze · 09/03/2013 15:52

I'd take her too. In a sling and feed her if necesary.

Your mother sounds like my mother. She will never have my baby left with her although I trust her with my son who is school age.

JamieandtheMagicTorch · 09/03/2013 15:54

She sounds like an insensitive twat. I wouldn't want her looking after my baby.

LaQueen · 09/03/2013 15:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MotheringShites · 09/03/2013 16:03

How about letting her have the baby but setting clear ground rules.

How does your DP feel about his mother not being allowed to watch her grandchild?

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 09/03/2013 16:09

I haven't said she can't so he doesn't 'feel' anything. It's not her watching grandchild I have an issue with, it's that she thinks 'whatever shuts DD up is fine' and I disagree.

OP posts:

rainrainandmorerain · 09/03/2013 19:45

i think you need to discuss this with your DP.

I know from your other threads that you are very short of support and you would very much like some. FWIW, I would never leave my baby with a mil who had said that being with her was basically going to be some sort of harsh 'wake up' call. Babies are babies, they can't be left with someone you aren't happy with.

Your older DD, who is 5 - well, tbh, being left to watch telly once in a blue moon if it gives you a much needed break isn't so bad. It's the compromise lots of us have when we ask relatives/friends to give us free childcare! If you will only give an older child to someone to look after who does it EXACTLY they way you want then you need to find money for a nanny. My mother lets my ds watch a lot on the ipad and feeds him
endless chocolate. It annoys me but she is getting on, gets tired easily and is basically doing me a favour, so there we are. It's not like she smokes around him, which would be a deal breaker.

However - if you are not going to be happy leaving your baby with your mil for a long time (basically until they are an older toddler, at a guess) - but you have no other help and really want it, you have to talk to your DP. Otherwise he won't know why you will not leave your baby with her. And won't understand or support you if you try and sort out some other form of childcare, especially if it involves paying someone.

mercibucket · 09/03/2013 19:54

Just for a one-off, does it need a big explanation to your dh or can you get away with 'not wanting to bother mil' and having 'sorted it out with the lecturer'?
Mil doesn't sound v tuned in to babies

Original poster

alisunshine29 · 09/03/2013 23:26

Mercibucket - that's the route I'm going down. Have said I don't want to inconvenience her etc. Have got something booked for September when MiL will have her but she'll be 16 months by then so hopefully that'll make a difference.

OP posts:

cupcakemumma · 09/03/2013 23:35

It's your child and if you have the slightest hesitation about how she'll be looked after, don't leave her with your MIL. Trust your gut instinct.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 10/03/2013 00:16

We didn't leave DD with PIL until she was over 1 and well into eating because I didn't trust MIL particularly to not get stressed out over food or try to feed her baby rice in a bottle. PIL are both lovely too and reasonably normal, but MIL has food issues which I didn't want being passed onto DD.

We do however have to compromise on some things although not everything, there is a line that DH and I won't let go. The main one being things that affect us into the next day, so for DD that was late bed times and MIL rocking DD to sleep. That was a tricky conversation that ultimately (after no improvement) did end up with us saying that DD wouldn't be able to stay with them. It's hard but it had a massive impact on how DD was with us (wanting rocking and singing to sleep) and how tired she was at the CM the next day. We do let slide... MaccyDs, chocolate, quite a bit of TV, letting DD eat cereal without milk and a fair amount of spoiling of her. She now knows that these things happen with PIL and not at home

Sounds like you're not quite there with your MIL as your DC is too little. I'd take her to the lecture and let her feed/sleep as necessary to keep her settled. Alternatively, a friend who could sit outside with her in a buggy would be good too. If your MIL is going to feed your DC chocolate, then best to let them stay when they're old enough that this is a suitable treat (i.e. not for babies).

PurpleCrazyHorse · 10/03/2013 00:21

I should add that PIL have DD overnight every week (for childcare/work reasons) of which we're very grateful, so it was more important that things like sleep happened because it impacted us and our CM every week too.

DD is now 3.5 and PIL have taken her on holiday and things like that, and they're brilliant with her. But that first year of her life, I'm pleased I didn't let her stay with them overnight on her own, I think if they had done something well meaning but overstepping the line, it might have affected how I feel about them having her now (or maybe just that little doubt based on past experience). There are great though, and never would have put DD in any harm, if anything they err on the side of caution too much.

bloodyschool · 15/03/2013 13:35

If it is an important lecture then you should not be taking DCs to it.It isn't fair on the other students.If they start disturbing them the you will have to take them out and miss it.Leave them both with your MIL

DublinMammy · 15/03/2013 13:45

I'd put it the way mercibucket suggested and bring her with me to the lecture.

diddl · 15/03/2013 14:00

It sounds more like bragging to me.

If there's going to be no harm done, I'd leave baby with MIL.

cherryvanillajam · 15/03/2013 14:01

No way, take her with you, don't leave her with MIL.

MatureUniStudent · 15/03/2013 14:06

I would be listening to my instincts.

I am a mother of four, and hope soon (sorry DD - I really don't mean any pressure!) to have a grandchild. But I would do things her way, because I respect my daughter and the way she would choose to bring up her child. Things have doubtless changed in the decades since I had my first DC. And I may think I know better, but it is clear that that grandchild is NOT my baby, so I would respect it's mother.

I remember my DD being left with my MIL. My DD couldn't speak, she was too young, but she wasn't happy and it was clear she didn't like going to MIL. So I created a family rift by listening to my instincts and not letting her stay at MIL without me. Years later she told me what went on - nothing big or dreadful, but it made my darling little DC unhappy and cry. I feel guilt when I think of that and WISH I'd listened to my instincts. So whatever advice you have, and whatever you choose to do, it will be the right choice.

DontmindifIdo · 15/03/2013 14:10

what did you do in the end OP? (As you started this last week and you said it was next week I assume the lecture has been and gone)

bonzo77 · 15/03/2013 14:17

Bit wierd that she will "do whatever it takes" like use a dummy or chocolate to comfort the baby, but thinks you comforting her by putting her in the carrier or not scaring her by picking her up suddenly from behind is A strp too far! I wouldn't leave the baby with her. Sounds like its all about what suits her.

Flip

1 2