To have ended a friendship...

[gilly86]

Ok never posted on AIBU before and a little scared but here goes...

I got engaged in feb 2012 and we decided we would have our wedding in December. We both wanted a winter wedding around Christmas (although not christmas themed!) and liked the idea of a January honeymoon.

We told everyone and obviously in time we sent out invitations etc etc.

A colleague of mine and someone who I considered one of my best friends never seemed very excited or interested in wedding plans..... Halfway through the year she told me her boyfriend couldn't come as he had to work on the day of the wedding and wouldn't be able to get the weekend off for it.

Our wedding was in Devon but we live in London....

A week before the wedding she then TEXT me to say she wouldn't be coming (no apology though) and that she would be spending that weekend with her dad and "double booked" me!

She then text me straight after asking me not to call about it because she was busy and "best to stick to texts!"

I text her the next day saying I was upset and asked if she was definitely not coming and she replied "yeah".

And that's all I heard!

No card, no gift, no texts or calls after that.

Then mid January we received a wedding card from her in the post... I would have at least expected a nice paragraph like "sorry we didn't come but hope you had a lovely time" - NOTHING.

Then a week later she emailed me saying she is being "the adult" in contacting me first and that having a wedding in December around Christmas time is selfish and to EXPECT people to go to a wedding at that time of year is stupid and not thoughtful!

The thing is I'm not devastated that she didn't come.. I'm pissed off cos she text me about it, didn't even apologise and then emailed me saying we should never have had a December wedding and that it was all too awkward for her!

If she told me beforehand that it might have been awkward and explained why and said sorry I would have understood... Or at least tried to!

No one else had a problem coming to the wedding though.. Everyone we wanted to come was there and we had a brilliant day. So... In a way I'm really not bothered.

I just find her attitude and behaviour so weird! She didn't come to my hen weekend either - she said she couldn't afford it (even though we did a mixture of things all weekend and I said she could've just come out for a meal and she didn't bother)

I'm thinking she's just not that interested in being my friend?! And I'm not really that interested in being hers anymore either.

It's obviously playing on her mind or she wouldn't be sprining up with a text like that.

My advice, close the book and move on - don't even respond to the email

Have you missed a bit out? What prompted her to say she was the adult?
What date in December was your wedding?

YANBU to be upset she text to tell you.
December weddings are a PITA but a simple sorry we can't make it would have sufficed.

I agree with Holly again! move on and concerntrate on your healthy friendships.

Oh that's the funny part.. I replied to the email saying she's missed the point completely and I didn't EXPECT her to come to my wedding at such an AWKWARD time... She sent back an RSVP saying she would come an gave her menu choices so I obviously thought she was coming and for her to say she wasn't coming via TEXT and then not even contact me again was what upset me the most!

She replied "I feel really sorry for your husband right now, you're hysterical. No wonder I had to text you and not call. You need help"

I'm like WHAT?! Lol!

She then emailed me again apologising and saying she's sorry and that she wants to be my friend... I didn't reply and the next day she emailed again saying I'm ignorant and rude and "why haven't you responded to my emails??????!!! I've deleted your number from my phone! I don't want to be your friend anymore!"

I feel like I'm breaking up with a crazy ex girlfriend.

Luckily I think she HAS deleted my number as I've had no crazy texts or calls and she's stopped emailing for now.

So that's good.

So weird!

Some people I work with have known her a lot longer than me and have told me she's alway been like this and she's a bit crazy..

I should add she no longer works for my company as she left after taking disciplinary action against a woman on another department that she said was bullying her...

Although i don't think any bullying actually occurred.. I think she's just a bit nuts.

Shame though as she was a good friend while it lasted.

Well she's not a bestie that's for sure. I think you can safely let her drop. I don't see any reason to hold onto her.

From my own pov I'd secretly be pissed off with a Christmas wedding invite because I am poor, my ds2 bday is the 20th, and having to go to a wedding and stay over and buy gifts and outfits at that time of year would (for me) be a huge pain in the arse that I'd resent.
I'd likely not go either. Or buy a gift.
Sorry...but such are my circumstances. x

Maybe she really couldn't afford it. Or maybe there's something going on in her life that she feels you should know but doesn't want to say iykwim? Especially if it's out of character. Perhaps she was assumign you'd be concerned and ask her why she couldn't come, expectign to be able to reel off her woes to you. I don't know. It was rude but perhaps she has her reasons? Getting in and out of Devon over Christmas was very difficult btw, there were lots of floods.

Sounds like she was skint and embarrassed and it also sounds like she has heard from someone that you are upset with her and thats why she sent the email. Have you been talking about her to mutual friends?

Wedding was December 29th (Saturday)

Personally I don't think it's an awkward date.. It's actually in a bit of a boring lull between Xmas and new year.

It's a bit of a mission from London however a load of people came down in cars and trains and there was a deal on the train to have a £30 return so quite a good price! People also offered her a lift but she ended up saying she would get the train.

Then she just didn't come!

She was meant to be sharing a hotel room with a mutual friend so only had to pay £15 for the hotel! So £45 total for travel and hotel.. And she had 10 months to save for it!

Thanks for your comments.. Xx

Agree with Missy

My life is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too short for drama queens - just to be sure - block her email addy and blaock her number on your phone!

Nutty people are haigh maint - there is always some drama in their lifes that suck your oxygen.

Move swiftly on and don't give this one a backwards glance.

She sounds nuts. Put it down to experience and move on. Honestly, don't waste any more time over it.

Gilly £45 plus something to wear, a gift, and drinks (unless you footed the whole bill) and food and drinks for the next day.

I think for some people who have to travel for Christmas day etc somewhere the thought of getting home with all the presents, washing and then turning around to go to Devon a few days later would be a PITA. I can see for you though you see it as a quiet lull between the big days.

We only have 1 mutual friend and I've not discussed it with her at all cos I can't be bothered.

In and out of Devon over Xmas was a pain but all cleared up by the wedding anyway.. Loads of people got the train/drove and had no issues.

It's weird cos when she first text me i did reply and ask if everything was ok and if something was up.. She replied "yeah things are great! How's you? Blah blah" so I really don't think there's anything up.

My opinion is that she found the time of a year a bit awkward (which is fair enough.. You can't please everyone!) and didn't want to come alone (her boyfriend couldn't come like I said) so just chickened out at the last minute and was too scared to call so text instead.

I also think she probably felt bad/guilty which is why she sent late card/email but then ended up losing her rag over email and had a go at me instead of just apologising and moving on! Lol.

However, if a friend of mine was getting married I would do everything in my power to be there and enjoy every second! But everyone's different I guess.

YANBU

sounds like you've had a lucky escape, I would stay well clear now

I would find it tricky to attend a December wedding if it involved travelling but I'd either accept the invite if I could make it or if not I would politely decline and wish the bride a groom a lovely day. I wouldn't get arsey about when someone else chose to have their wedding and I wouldn't text at the last minute with no apology then send increasingly weird emails!

Just reply saying that its all forgotten about now, you are very happy in your life as you hope she is in hers, but could she please not contact you again? Send a card, in the post, its the nicest way to do it.

We did foot the whole bill

And to be honest I wouldn't have been bothered about a present.. Some people came and only gave a card, we didn't do a gift list or anything like that. Obviously some people gave gifts/money but not everyone.

We all tried to make it easy for her.. Finding cheap train tickets, cheap hotels, offering lifts etc so I dunno of it was about money... And actually she's quite well off.

Personally I think she just couldn't be bothered! Which I couldn't dealt with if she just told me , in advance, IM SORRY I can't make your wedding.. We have a lot of plans over Xmas and can't make it but have a lovely day, send pics, enjoy your honeymoon etc... These are things I would expect someone to say who can't make it.

Not just "can't come I've double booked" a week before the wedding via text. Anyway... I feel like I've released my angst about this by posting on here!

Thanks for being gentle with me ladies! Lol xx

Thanks maytheodds

Haha mintyy I kinda wish I could but don't know her address!

Ah well. She's stopped with the crazy emails and I genuinely think she HAS deleted my number which is lucky!

Well I don't think you'll miss her in the long run.
She sounds a bit like hard work.

Never mind eh? x

Indeed.

I know who my best friends are and i don't really think she was ever one of them.

Shame though as its all so stupid. I wish she just told me face to face/over the phone that she couldn't come and it was a difficult time and possibly couldn't afford it or WHATEVER reason and just apologised and wished us all the best etc... You know, like a normal person?!

Ah well. X

Thanks everlong! Thats exactly what I think. I always try to call people before texting... Especially if its important! Can't believe she text and the word SORRY was no where to be seen! Weirdness.

Yes, if you don't know her address then she's not a friend at all, is she, really?

She sounds nuts.

My best friend of 25 years is moving to Cornwall, if she gets married down there, theres fuck all that will stop me and DD from watching her get married.