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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mothers day meal and BIL

54 replies

Juneywoony · 09/03/2013 09:16

Never posted in AIBU before, although longtime lurker so i am wearing my hard hat!

Just wondering whether i am being unreasonable to feel pissed off with a situation really.

Hubby suggested the other day instead of going to eat out for Mother's day as in our experience it's overpriced, over crowded rushed etc.. that he would cook a roast and we could invite his Mum and Dad over which i thought was a lovely idea. He doesn't cook very often so i thought it was really thoughtful of him, we decided on Beef as it's my favourite and everyone else likes it.

When my inlaws came round i invited them and they said it was a nice idea, then they said what about Bob*name change this is my hubby's 33 year old brother, they said he would feel left out if he wasn't invited as he had said he wanted to see his mother on Mother's day, i said yes that's fine although in my head I'm thinking why can't he just go to their house in the morning, or evening to see her, we have invited them to come at 1.30 to eat for 2pm so the likelihood is they will be gone by 5! so plenty of chance to see Bob!
I did then say to them that it was awkward for seating arrangements, we have a small four seater dining table so on past occasions when they have been, us four adults sit at the table and we have a little table we get out for our two children 5 and 3 and stick that next to ours. We don't have a spare seat to stick at the big table, even if we did there wouldn't be enough room. I then remember that Bob doesn't like beef so MIL says she has some spare Lamb so she will cook that and bring it round! and that it will be fine to stick Bob on the sofa in the other room to eat his dinner!!! This just makes me feel awkward, surely he is going to feel left out sitting eating his dinner in another room on his own!!!

The whole things just pissed me off, i don't dislike Bob, this has all been arranged without him really so i can't blame him, it's just the bloody Inlaws making things all complicated! To annoy me even more hubby has since spoken to them and they all agreed that he would cook chicken as Bob will eat that, i don't want fricken chicken lol! we have it all the time. I'm quietly seething but not said anymore on the matter as there's no point really, Bob's coming, he's sitting on his own in another room eating boring chicken Lol

I know people have far worse problems than this lol but am i right to be pissed off about this?

OP posts:

theoriginalandbestrookie · 09/03/2013 09:23

I can sort of see why you are annoyed, but it's mothers day and your DH is doing a nice gesture for his DM. Could you see if MIL has a seat they could bring that you could stick Bob at.
Make DH cook lamb for you next week.

diddl · 09/03/2013 09:25

YANBU.

But then when they said "what about Bob?"-you should have asked-well, what about him??

RubixCube · 09/03/2013 09:25

Yanbu he sounds like a grown baby.No way should your dh be changing cooking arrangements for him.I'd put my foot down on that one tbh.It's Mother's day not brother's day ffs

HecateWhoopass · 09/03/2013 09:27

I don't know. I always think that if you're not happy about something then you shouldn't agree to it and if you choose to agree to it, then you just have to shrug your shoulders and find a way to be ok with it. There's nothing worse than saying yes to something and at the same time fuming about it. It's just going to ruin the day for you and you don't want that!

So if you want beef - have beef. Let them bring the lamb. Or chicken. Or do both. Or all three. and then you've got leftovers for meals for the week! See it as a get together. Leave the cooking to your husband as agreed and don't fret about it. Ask your inlaws to bring a chair maybe, if there's any chance at all of squeezing another person at the table, even if you're bashing elbows. With the right attitude, that can be a laugh or all eat your dinners on your laps in the living room. Or create a bit more room by not having the kids table next to the main table and let them have theirs in the living room.

If you treat it like a big deal and a problem, it will be one. If you're relaxed about it and just think fine, whatever, make the food, I'm just going to enjoy it and the company it's likely to be less annoying.

Or just get really drunk before they arrive. That works too.

RubixCube · 09/03/2013 09:27

The nice guesture should be towards op ,mother of his dcs not just his dm

diddl · 09/03/2013 09:27

Oh yes-it's lovely that your husband wants to do something for his Mum on MD-but tbh I think his Mum should have accepted the invitation as it was or declined.

Original poster

Juneywoony · 09/03/2013 09:28

Even if we had another seat we couldn't fit the kid's little table in next to us and i am not having them in a separate room! our dining room is really small, and yes we can have Beef next week, mainly feel awkward about the seating arrangements there's no way around it. I know it's pathetic and i will get over it lol!

OP posts:

DontmindifIdo · 09/03/2013 09:28

Get DH to call Bob, explain that while yo'ud love to have him over, there's not really space and explain the fuss their mum's going to - that he'll get something separate from everyone else, that he'll be expected to eat on his knee in the other room etc and that it just seems really shit for him and that you are both thinking this is rediculous. If he wants to do this, great, but if not, could he call his mum and say he can't make it for lunch, but would pop over to yours about 5ish and you'll do a buffet tea for everyone. That way he gets the day off for mother's day to do his own thing.

Montybojangles · 09/03/2013 09:29

Tell bob to bring a chair and get your husband to shove a chicken breast in the oven for him, surely the point was that mum didn't have to cook on mothers day?
I can understand you being a bit cheesed off, but when your DC are grown up wouldn't you like to have them both at dinner with you on mothers day if possible?

DontmindifIdo · 09/03/2013 09:30

Or I'd tell DH that you do'nt wnt to do this for mothers day, so he can do this and yo'ure going out for the day. Your BIL can have your seat, yo'ull happily be booked into a spa...

Ledkr · 09/03/2013 09:32

Sorry but I think yabu and petty.
My sis has asked my mum to hers and I do feel a bit left out and think we should all do something together.
Yes I can see her in the morning but still would have been nice to all be together and for my dds who adore her.
As for the extra chairs etc that's just a non problem. We often have loads for dinner and sit on all sorts of things it's all part of the fun.

HecateWhoopass · 09/03/2013 09:33

Or shift the living room furniture up to the edges and move the dining tables into the living room for the meal and make everyone shift them back after you've all eaten.

WipsGlitter · 09/03/2013 09:33

I think YABU. Do you think there will be more attention on MIL if Bob is there?

Ledkr · 09/03/2013 09:35

Would it be ok for bob to take mil out on Mother's Day and not invite your dh?

Original poster

Juneywoony · 09/03/2013 09:36

Another thing is i have my Sister round the corner didn't think to invite her as it's mothers day not a family get together/birthday we have lots of those, plus last minute my brother came to stay at my sisters he lives 100 miles away so if they find out BIL is coming they could feel a bit miffed! ah well i shall just drink lots of wine and get on with it and enjoy fun with my kids.

OP posts:

HecateWhoopass · 09/03/2013 09:39

See, in that case, I'd just invite them too! If not to lunch then say Xs parents and brother are coming for lunch - if we can all fit at my tiny table! - why don't you join us afterwards and we'll have a buffet tea.

drownangels · 09/03/2013 09:41

It wouldn't cross my mind to be annoyed at this. Go with the flow.

ThingummyBob · 09/03/2013 09:43

But your MIL is Bobs mother no?

You decided that eating out was overcrowded etc and asked PIL round to yours, excluding him and anyone else she may be a mother to

YABU

Original poster

Juneywoony · 09/03/2013 09:44

I think now knowing my brother is down i may ring around a few places today and see if we can get a table somewhere that way everyone is happy and can eat what meat and i can invite my brother and sister. No whipsglitter im not competing for attention with my MIL and yes Ledkr im pretty sure if Bob ever put his hand in his pocket to take his mum out for a meal my DH would be ok with that. (although can never see that happening)

OP posts:

glenthebattleostrich · 09/03/2013 09:44

So change it to a family get together, instead of a sit down roast have some nice roasted meat, roast potatoes, salad and bread. No-one needs to sit down to eat, everyone gets to spend time together and you can have left over meat with some aunt bessies for a late tea.

QuickLookBusy · 09/03/2013 09:47

Agree with Hecate.

Look at it this way OP in 25 years time you are invited to Dc1 house for lunch. You know that DC2 wants to see you, you want to see them, it is Mother's Day, so you ask Dc1 if DC2 can come too.

What's the problem?

Stop fretting and have a lovely lunch.

WandaDoff · 09/03/2013 09:48

You're overthinking it.

sarlat · 09/03/2013 09:48

Difficult one - I am 50/50 on this.

YABU to think your mil and fil wouldn't want their other son around (assuming he is not the only other sibling). They might feel that they are favouring one child over another even though it was your DH who initiated this meal. And I know they are all grown ups but in my family we would all want to have access to our mum on mothers day for a meal so all siblings being with mum would need to be accommodated for. This part isn't a big deal and I would let go of any annoyance you feel. For long boring reaons that I won't go in to here, I am desperate to be a mother and have failed at it for 3 years. The idea of celebrating mothers day as a mother and with my mother / mil regardless of the set up sounds incredibly special - in the nicest possible way don't lose sight of that.

But I think it is unfair to expect you all to change your plans for Bob. Your DH is the host and he chose beef for you as a mother on mothers day. Bob can like or lump that part as this day as it is about you and your mil. It is rude of your mil / fil to make such a fuss about what Bobs eats and he shouldn't be pandered too like this. I wouldn't want someone eating on the sofa either - but if there really isn't an alternative then go along with that and explain to Bob why - but he will see that for himself anyway when you show him your overcrowded table.

Hope that helps.

Montybojangles · 09/03/2013 09:58

I'm a bit confused, why does your sister/ brother need to come if your doing mothering Sunday dinner for you MIL and her 2 sons? They aren't related to her.

seriouscakeeater · 09/03/2013 10:03

I can see why you would be miffed off. It sounds similar to my DGM my DB (26) still lives with her and is very unsociable. DGM is lovely and every one all ways used to invite her but she wouldnt leave DB at home. Even at christmas when she was invited for dinner and DB was begrudgingly invited (for her benifit) she turned up with a can of mushypeas and said it was the only veg he liked and asked for extra pigs in blankets as he 'loves' those...

I wonder if 'bob' really would feel left out as my DB wouldnt be arsed as long as he has his world of war craft/C.O.D he is happy (DB has serious issues!)

Either way If you want MIL to be happy 'bob' is comming. Just crack open the wine!!

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