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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Mothers day meal and BIL

54 replies

Juneywoony · 09/03/2013 09:16

Never posted in AIBU before, although longtime lurker so i am wearing my hard hat!

Just wondering whether i am being unreasonable to feel pissed off with a situation really.

Hubby suggested the other day instead of going to eat out for Mother's day as in our experience it's overpriced, over crowded rushed etc.. that he would cook a roast and we could invite his Mum and Dad over which i thought was a lovely idea. He doesn't cook very often so i thought it was really thoughtful of him, we decided on Beef as it's my favourite and everyone else likes it.

When my inlaws came round i invited them and they said it was a nice idea, then they said what about Bob*name change this is my hubby's 33 year old brother, they said he would feel left out if he wasn't invited as he had said he wanted to see his mother on Mother's day, i said yes that's fine although in my head I'm thinking why can't he just go to their house in the morning, or evening to see her, we have invited them to come at 1.30 to eat for 2pm so the likelihood is they will be gone by 5! so plenty of chance to see Bob!
I did then say to them that it was awkward for seating arrangements, we have a small four seater dining table so on past occasions when they have been, us four adults sit at the table and we have a little table we get out for our two children 5 and 3 and stick that next to ours. We don't have a spare seat to stick at the big table, even if we did there wouldn't be enough room. I then remember that Bob doesn't like beef so MIL says she has some spare Lamb so she will cook that and bring it round! and that it will be fine to stick Bob on the sofa in the other room to eat his dinner!!! This just makes me feel awkward, surely he is going to feel left out sitting eating his dinner in another room on his own!!!

The whole things just pissed me off, i don't dislike Bob, this has all been arranged without him really so i can't blame him, it's just the bloody Inlaws making things all complicated! To annoy me even more hubby has since spoken to them and they all agreed that he would cook chicken as Bob will eat that, i don't want fricken chicken lol! we have it all the time. I'm quietly seething but not said anymore on the matter as there's no point really, Bob's coming, he's sitting on his own in another room eating boring chicken Lol

I know people have far worse problems than this lol but am i right to be pissed off about this?

OP posts:

2rebecca · 09/03/2013 10:04

I find it odd that a 33 year old bloke is likely to feel upset if not invited to spend dinner with his mum on Sunday. Doesn't he know there's rugby on?
I'd have just said no to MIL about Bob and suggested he visit later in the day or invite her round in the evening or if MIL wants to spend the day with Bob she does that as well.
He sounds rather pathetic for 33 though, or MIL is just fussing and Bob would rather be left alone.
As you are a mum of young children I don't see why the day isn't built around you. If Bob has no kids let him entertain his mum whilst you do nice stuff with the kids.

clam · 09/03/2013 10:06

I can see why you're hacked off. I'd quite probably be a bit petulant to dh about it and say "we're having beef. End of. If BIL doesn't like it, he can go somewhere else."
But, if you do ring round to find a restaurant somewhere (that even has a free table at this late stage), who will pay? Would ILs be happy about paying to go out whenthey thought they were coming to you?

DeskPlanner · 09/03/2013 10:09

YABU, but if you want beef you should have if.

Original poster

Juneywoony · 09/03/2013 10:13

Nice to have some different perspectives on the matter, i'm peeved about it, can't help that but it is not going to ruin my day. I think the best thing is to try and find a table out somewhere to accommodate everyone, although this last minute it will be difficult, or invite everyone and do a buffet style thing then everyone can sit in any of the rooms without being on their own. Only just had a big family get together for my Hubby's birthday too but yer don't want people feeling left out i can see that. Maybe i should invite hubby's sister down from scotland last minute too and my mum from Wales lol!

OP posts:

Northernexile · 09/03/2013 10:13

Ok, I'm nearly 32 and would love to spend Mothers Day with my mum, but she isn't in the country. Does that make me pathetic? Or would it just be pathetic if I were a bloke wanting to see my mum?

Just get everyone together, go with the flow. It might be fun!

ENormaSnob · 09/03/2013 10:14

Changing the menu would hugely piss me off.

I wouldn't be bothered about anything else.

Nor would I be bothered if my mum or mil did something not including us.

pictish · 09/03/2013 10:16

None of this is Bob's fault, so those calling him a baby, stop it. He is being babied, which is different. There's every likelihood Bob would rather not be involved in any of this.

I'm on the fence about this. On the one hand, family should always be welcome and made room for, but on the other hand, the best laid plans were shot to shit there. If you get invited somewhere, it's bad form to take over and make proceedings so they cater to your exacting needs...ie that your grown up son may attend and be provided with fucking chicken.
I'd have been annoyed I think.

Better plan to just go out.

Northernexile · 09/03/2013 10:19

The menu changing business would piss me off a bit though tbh, it is a bit rude.

HollyBerryBush · 09/03/2013 10:20

I just think you all have very odd family dynamics.

Maybe I'm lucky, and also DB when he's been in a relationship. Me, DH and DBs g/fs have always had big family dinners, often where people were meeting for the first time - often we bring in neighbours who are alone too.

You just bring in the garden table and chairs. More the merrier.

All this, my sister will think this, I don't want my BIL here, what will we do with the children shenanigans really bemuses me. You'll be complaining next week that your family never help out and you never see them. That would be because they are treated like interlopers for actually wanting to be part of an extended family and a buggering nuisance because there is one chair short.

baffled

Emilythornesbff · 09/03/2013 10:31

Agree with sarlat
Roast beef it must be. Chicken breast for bil.
Can you pop a stool at the table.
Have a lovely mother's day.

clam · 09/03/2013 10:37

You still haven't said who'd be paying for a meal out.

Original poster

Juneywoony · 09/03/2013 10:54

baffled<

Actually i am baffled you don't know me or what i will be thinking next week lol!

I have nothing against my bil it was just the logistics of it all, i said in op i know it's not his fault all this was decided without him being involved. I was peeved about menu change to suit him when this just all started as a simple mothers day tea, we don't meet up every year for mothers day i'm sure bil wouldn't have been offended and could have just gone to his mothers in the morning or later in the evening. It was mil who obviously wanted her other son there and fair enough but it just peed me off how she had to change all the plans about food etc.

As for moving furniture moving and garden tables being dragged in we really don't have the room end of and i really don't think i'm being unreasonable in not wanting my kids in the other room they are 5 and 3! just so that we could accommodate BIL at main table.

Anyway i except some people think i am being petty here, thank you for those that can see my point of view, the world would be a dull old place if we all agreed and thought the same. x

OP posts:

Original poster

Juneywoony · 09/03/2013 11:05

As for paying, the usual case for meals out is inlaws pay for bil's we pay for us four and if my family were to come they would pay for themselves! So yes it would be a right pain because they were invited round and weren't expected to pay anything but they aren't funny about money so it wouldn't cause a problem.

OP posts:

RoseandVioletCreams · 09/03/2013 11:12

we are the kind of people who will always try and make room, no matter how squashed. It would be really nice thoiugh if Bob could eat beef just for once! That is rude.

EnjoyResponsibly · 09/03/2013 11:14

Your MIL would like to see both her sons on Mothers Day. Damn strange ideas these silvertops get.

Get FIL to chuck spare chair in car. Bunch up a bit.

diddl · 09/03/2013 11:20

I don't think that anyone is condemning MIL for wanting to see both her sons-just for inviting/altering things?

And if she's at OP's for lunch-does that preclude her from seeing her other son at some point in the day?

tiggerishtom · 09/03/2013 11:30

It is the change in menu that would piss me off, am I right in thinking you have children so it is YOUR mothers day too?

MIL does seem to have forgotten you should be relaxing and enjoying the day with your little ones, surely they want to be sat on the same table as their mum on mothers day too?

TheSecondComing · 09/03/2013 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clam · 09/03/2013 12:04

Hmm, I kind of think you're stuck with this and will have to just suck it up. Worth a try re: the beef, but otherwise, adopt a Madonna-like pose (the original one, not pointy-cone-tits) and let it pass. After all, your dh was trying to be nice to everyone.

2rebecca · 09/03/2013 12:18

Why do your inlaws pay for their 33 year old son? Surely he should be treating them if everyone doesn't pay for their own meal. As a single bloke with no kids I'd have thought he had the most spare cash.
I would have just said no to MIL when she mentioned BIL and said that if she doesn't like the arrangements she can come another time.

BadabingBadabong · 09/03/2013 12:23

Yabvvvvu for saying lol so many times.
Please stop.

fryingpantoface · 09/03/2013 12:25

It's the menu change which would piss me off, it seems off to come over for dinner and then change what was going to be served

QuickLookBusy · 09/03/2013 12:50

Can't you just have beef next week OP?

Does it really really matter in the grand scheme of things?

IneedAsockamnesty · 09/03/2013 13:01

Why don't you and your children go out instead and dh and his mum ect stay home for a meal.

INeverSaidThat · 09/03/2013 13:06

Sorry. But I think you are being very petty. One more person is not a problem. You MIL is sorting his food. I don't see how it can be tat much of a problem. It is nice for families to get together.

You sound like you are trying to find reasons not to invite him.

What does your Dh think?

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