to expect DH to have a calm conversation about DC's soaking in wee during night

[dreamsicle]

We have a newborn DC2 just over 4 weeks old who generally wakes up a few times a night for feeding, etc. I am taking care of all that and not asking DH to do anything on that front as he works hard in day and I am happy to do it. Not even on weekends.

DC1 is 2.5 years old and drinks lots of fluids in the afternoon/evening including milk, and it is not something we discourage. We have had issues with him waking up soaking in his wee if we have failed to change his nappy twice in the night. So i often go and change him in his sleep at midnight and again at 3-4 am to try to prevent accidents happening. I time things around when I have finished taking care of DC2 with breastfeeds etc. Last night my DH attended to DC1 when he called out for us from his room. DH stayed and slept in the bed next to DC1 but I could tell from the sounds on the monitor that DC1 was not totally settled so went to his room to see what was going on. I found DC1 awake and snuggled up to DH who was asleep. I could smell urine and a dirty nappy on entering room. I touched DC1's pyjamas and they were soaked. I proceeded to change the dirty and wet nappy and informing DH who in the meantime woke up with the noise we were making. I was actually quite angry at this point with DH for not being able to sort one (little) thing out by himself in the night when I had been up several times already. I didn't say anything at that point just went back to bed.

This evening when we had a quiet moment I asked DH what happened last night and he said that DC1 was not wet when he originally went to him. I asked him if he had checked if his nappy was full or needed changing and he said he had. From experience I am guessing DC1's nappy would have been pretty full when he got to him, but DH was too tired lazy to change it. Either way I said to DH that I thought our 'new' plan of action to prevent this happening again should be to always check DC1's nappy and if full to change it etc.... He got all defensive at this point and started shouting that I am accusing him the accident last night was his fault, etc, etc. He apparently got so angry/offended/upset with my 'moaning' (not even a 5 minute conversation at this point) that he had to leave the room and go to our bedroom with his laptop to find peace.

I later asked him if he thought we shouldn't discuss things like this about our DC and if he thought either of us was ever born a perfect parent that no suggestions from anyone else could be made, especially when trying to find solutions to real problems with our DC. He said that he felt i didn't believe him and was trying to put him down. I said I was just trying to make sure things like last night didn't happen again. It would have been nice if he had taken some responsibility for what happened last night, at least the fact that I shouldn't have to go in the room to change a soaking toddler out of his dirty nappy and PJs when toddler is lying right next to DH and when this is the 10th nappy change from me of the night if we take baby's nappies into account.

It may sound tedious what I am describing but I just think this is not the first time that DH has tried to get away with doing as little as possible when it comes to DC. I also don't feel appreciated or that I deserve this sort of over-reaction on his part. I could have been much more demanding at this stage of our lives with new baby etc. All I wanted is to have a calm adult conversation about this and find a solution we could both follow.

AIBU to have these expectations of DH and how do I make him understand his attitude is simply not on? Seems like being straight to the point is simply aggravating things but I am running out of patience.

Well on one hand you clearly don't believe it wasn't DH fault so he was right to get defensive really..

I am not really sure what to suggest but I think it would be reasonable at 2.5 yrs to start getting into some kind of a routine which will lend itself to potty training ie watching the fluids late at night.

I think your very tired and understandably irritated BUT I don't think it's worth a major bust up and tbh I think a more obvious solution would be to cut own on the amount of fluids your toddler is drinking before bed. That does seem like an excessive amount of nappy changes for a two year old. Although ds2 was a very leaky baby so I sympathise with having to change wet pj's in the middle of the night.

We used to put on two pull ups each night which helped a lot.

To be fair to your dh he got up to attend to dc1 (as he should!) I doubt very much he felt the nappy and thought "ooh that's really full, fuck it I won't change it, I'll just let it leak"

Oh hunny I had one of those! I started waking him when Ds1 needed a nappy change/drink/cuddle etc for a month he now appreciates me fully train him like a dog!! Positive rewards work best, "good boy" becomes "u did great last night hunny" lol wishing u luck and if all else fails roll up a newspaper and whack him on the nose!! X

Have you tried out different brands of nappies, or going up a size in nappies, or having 2 nappies on, a small covered by a larger one?

It might even be worth investigating washable nappies, it's been a while since I've looked into those, but I recall some absorbed more liquid than the disposable equivalents.

(sorry if you have already tried all this, I realise you're probably not on here seeking unhelpful suggestions).

Wow that's a lot of wee! Really unusual so I can't not comment on it. Do you and DH put your son on the potty before bed? We have "T&T before B" in our house, which translates to teeth and toilet before bed. Good routine to be getting in.
DH. Meh. Don't know what to say. All I can say is that going from one to two kids is really hard and husbands really need to step up. It's possible you've been enabling him for the past couple of years, but you need to be able to rely on him to do basic childcare. So YANBU. Ask him what he wants to do: ensure that son goes to the toilet before bed and puts on a night nappy, or do the night wakings with son and bed changes. Or both. Tell him that you're beginning to lose respect for him and that a loss of respect pretty much always leads to a loss of sex drive in women.

It's unusual for children to poo at night too, isn't it? IME kids don't poo in their sleep.

I think DH seems not to help you very much generally speaking. From experience I know that being at work can be less stressful than being at home with DC sometimes. Perhaps he could become more involved in the childrearing? I don't think its helping to shift the focus on how much your DS is drinking as at 2.5 its not unusual to be in nappies especially at night and it can o on at night until they are 5 and beyond. The fact is reading between the lines it sounds like its all on you with a little baby as well as with DS. Maybe have a lay in morning when DS takes the kids, or a day or afternoon a week me time or some such time out and definitely more chore sharing?

No offence intended here, and maybe you like it that way, but I wouldn't bother keeping around a man who does not pull his share. I work all day long with the kids and he works in the office, my day is not over by 5 pm, why should his be?

No, YANBU, but think that DS1's nappy issues are the bigger issue here. Needing to change a 2.5yr olds nappy twice in the night is unusual, no matter how much they have been drinking.

He got up to the DC.

I agree that it's really unlikely that he thought that snuggling into a piss soaked baby was going to be a good plan. He just didn't think about it.

You didn't need to go in there and feel around the nappy, you chose to. If the DC was upset and woke up screaming and DH didn't wake that's different, but you heard on the monitor that he was 'unsettled'. I don't go into my DC when they are settling, as I don't want to make work for myself, and I like sleeping. My goal in life was to get sleeping through the night as early as possible --it wasn't that early

I reckon your plan of action should be to discourage the evening drinking so you can concentrate on your new baby instead of having to attend to two of them. You must be knackered.

The dirty nappy was a one off, not sure if DC has a bit of an upset stomach/bug on the way at the moment. But the same incident happened a few weeks ago when DC was down with gastro... It was me who ended up 'finding out' about it first even though DH was lying next to him.

DC1 is not toilet trained yet and is not showing interest. I am not pushing him as with new baby now is the worst time to start toilet training. He has always been a good drinker but we are not talking huge amounts of water -just sips here and there through the afternoon seems to all add up. Does no one else give milk to their DC before bed?

Weird question but what nappies do you use at night?

Oh yanbu to be cross, anybody who spouts nagging that quickly is a bit ur.

mama04 If I praise him he thinks I am being patronising. And anyway I don't expect him to tell me how well I did for attending to our baby's needs 10 times in the night and actually he doesn't even know what goes on most nights as he is sound asleep... This is why I am saying I am running out of patience I don't have the time or the energy for all this softly softly approach to stepping up to being a responsible parent. It is not just hard for him going from 1 to 2 children it is also hard for me. Yet I try to stay calm and talk things out.

My DS went through a phase of wetting through his nappy by morning, at approx the same age as your DS. I think changing the brand of nappy fixed it, unhelpfully I can't remember what we changed from and to, it will have been huggies or pampers or sainsburys brand. Also he seemed to grow out of this phase, perhaps a growth spurt was making him drink more milk than usual for a while. He's 3yo now and sometimes is totally dry in the mornings, it seems that he can go for longer between wees, I guess bladder capacity increasing with age.

pampers 5+
have tried nannies 6 but seem way too big on him and have also leaked
The double nappy approach might be a good plan

Yes try the pampers 5+ with a size 6 pull up on the top. I found pull ups sit a bit higher up so caught the leaks better. I have no idea wat makes some babies so leaky!

I was just about to say bung a pull up over the top of nappy,my friend swore by this years ago but I didnt know if pull ups even still existed

I'd really try and sort out the night wetting issue tbh. Try different nappies or 2 nappies. Try and cut down on drink right before bedtime. If you think he is weeing excessively, then get him checked by your GP.

I'd focus your conversations with DH on sorting out the problem, rather than going over who was at fault over last nights wetting.

Im with 387 on this. Share duties to give you a break, nobody can look after two all the time with no sleep and not begin to be abit tired of it after a while. It's in your interest to dump this softly approach and retrain DH!

Agree with 387, that's what DP and myself do, he deals with the boys 4 and 2 and I deal with the night feeds of the baby. Works really well. My 2yr old drinks loads as well, he wears tesco size 6 nappies, only ever had to change him on a couple of occasions. We are hoping to toilet train in the summer, as like you said there's enough going on in his wee life with new baby.

Pampers pull ups definitely hold a lot more than 5+, plus they are dead handy for some early potty training.
Irritating as hell and yanbu but I do wonder why you didn't leave your DH to deal with the toddler and the bed linen. It's a lesson most of us would learn once if you have to change a bed and clean up a child before getting yourself ready for work. It wouldn't have killed your toddler.
Maybe it's time to look at the potty training or a gentle introduction to it if you think he's not ready. Won't hurt him to sit on the loo regularly.
Happily you have a little boy which in my world means - over to Daddy !! If he starts with the night time routine of putting him on the loo before bed, dig out some hints and tips for him to read (or point him to this forum) and is responsible for getting him up first thing and onto the loo in the morning it might help matters.
In my experience, at 2.5 my toddler often had a poo just before midnight. She was v reluctant to poo in the toilet and clearly couldn't hold on in her sleep.

I'm not sure what DH did, when he went through to DS's room. Soothe him and conk out next to him and not check his nappy at all? If he is lying next to DS surely he can smell or realise by touch that DS needs changing.

Parents often feel 'got at' when discussing childcare, running away to play on his laptop doesn't really solve matters does it. Huffing and sulking actually gains him extra time not doing what you've asked him to do; neat ploy.

What Kiwiinkits says:
YANBU. Ask him what he wants to do: ensure that son goes to the toilet before bed and puts on a night nappy, or do the night wakings with son and bed changes.

Don't make a rod for your own back assuming all care for DC2 will you. In a way does DH see that DS is that much bigger than newborn so somehow you do little nappies is an easier ride than big nappies?

Even if DS were dry all day, at this stage nothing unusual with a child his age still being wet at night, imo.

Sorry incoherent, that s/b
somehow you doing little nappies is an easier ride than changing big nappies?

In one of your replies dreamsicle you asked does noone give milk to their child before bed - I'd have to ask you how soon before bed are you giving drinks to your DC?

If it's right before bed, then no I wouldn't. I wouldn't be offering alternatives either (by that I mean no juice, no water). The time for a big drink is with dinner and if bed time is say 7pm, then last drinks are at 6:15pm so that the fluid has almost completely gone out of their system an hour later (as far as I know).

Even though you say you aren't toilet training your DC yet, I would also consider lifting the child, sitting them on the toilet and letting them pee before you settle down for the night.

I agree with another poster that if you decide on Monday evening that you look after DC1 and your DH looks after DC2 then you swap on Tuesday so he looks after DC1 and you look after DC2 - that might be a good way to share the responsibility and you're not just looking after the same child night after night. Would that work for you do you think?