to expect DH to have a calm conversation about DC's soaking in wee during night

[dreamsicle]

We have a newborn DC2 just over 4 weeks old who generally wakes up a few times a night for feeding, etc. I am taking care of all that and not asking DH to do anything on that front as he works hard in day and I am happy to do it. Not even on weekends.

DC1 is 2.5 years old and drinks lots of fluids in the afternoon/evening including milk, and it is not something we discourage. We have had issues with him waking up soaking in his wee if we have failed to change his nappy twice in the night. So i often go and change him in his sleep at midnight and again at 3-4 am to try to prevent accidents happening. I time things around when I have finished taking care of DC2 with breastfeeds etc. Last night my DH attended to DC1 when he called out for us from his room. DH stayed and slept in the bed next to DC1 but I could tell from the sounds on the monitor that DC1 was not totally settled so went to his room to see what was going on. I found DC1 awake and snuggled up to DH who was asleep. I could smell urine and a dirty nappy on entering room. I touched DC1's pyjamas and they were soaked. I proceeded to change the dirty and wet nappy and informing DH who in the meantime woke up with the noise we were making. I was actually quite angry at this point with DH for not being able to sort one (little) thing out by himself in the night when I had been up several times already. I didn't say anything at that point just went back to bed.

This evening when we had a quiet moment I asked DH what happened last night and he said that DC1 was not wet when he originally went to him. I asked him if he had checked if his nappy was full or needed changing and he said he had. From experience I am guessing DC1's nappy would have been pretty full when he got to him, but DH was too tired lazy to change it. Either way I said to DH that I thought our 'new' plan of action to prevent this happening again should be to always check DC1's nappy and if full to change it etc.... He got all defensive at this point and started shouting that I am accusing him the accident last night was his fault, etc, etc. He apparently got so angry/offended/upset with my 'moaning' (not even a 5 minute conversation at this point) that he had to leave the room and go to our bedroom with his laptop to find peace.

I later asked him if he thought we shouldn't discuss things like this about our DC and if he thought either of us was ever born a perfect parent that no suggestions from anyone else could be made, especially when trying to find solutions to real problems with our DC. He said that he felt i didn't believe him and was trying to put him down. I said I was just trying to make sure things like last night didn't happen again. It would have been nice if he had taken some responsibility for what happened last night, at least the fact that I shouldn't have to go in the room to change a soaking toddler out of his dirty nappy and PJs when toddler is lying right next to DH and when this is the 10th nappy change from me of the night if we take baby's nappies into account.

It may sound tedious what I am describing but I just think this is not the first time that DH has tried to get away with doing as little as possible when it comes to DC. I also don't feel appreciated or that I deserve this sort of over-reaction on his part. I could have been much more demanding at this stage of our lives with new baby etc. All I wanted is to have a calm adult conversation about this and find a solution we could both follow.

AIBU to have these expectations of DH and how do I make him understand his attitude is simply not on? Seems like being straight to the point is simply aggravating things but I am running out of patience.

Another question - you mention that DC1 drinks lots of fluids, how much is lots? Do you monitor how much on a daily basis your DC1 drinks (from the likes of milk to water to juice).

Tbh I'd stop letting him drink so much after tea so hopefully he won't wet so much. Changing before you go to bed should be sufficient unless of course they poo in which case obviously change. But you must all be exhausted getting up several times a night to change nappies. If start thinking about making sure he uses loo before bed and cutting down the drink.

My DD is about 2.5 and still really likes the evening milk as well as generally being able to drink a lot. We are on a program of cutting down drinks after 5pm and since we got down under about 4oz she is occasionally dry in the mornings and doesn't leak through anymore. She is is 5/5+ pampers.

My DS is a chronically heavy night wetter as well. We moved him up to 6 nappies, and do them really tightly (he's just 2) when he's in sposies. It is better in cloth, but we've done a lot of trial and error finding what works in terms of cloth nappies, so I wouldn't recommend that to be honest as he'll be potty training fairly soon.

My DH would probably have done something similar. I got home from work two nights ago, just in time to put DCs to bed and discovered that although DH knew DD had wet herself overnight, he hadn't bothered to check her bed. It was sopping. So wet that even the waterproof sheet hadn't caught it all, and I had to completely strip down her bed first and then scrabble around for clean sheets and spare blankets (because the duvet was sitting in the wee) Thanks darling. And the only reason she wet herself was because he upset her massively at bedtime the night before and I couldn't get her to calm down without a drink of milk in the middle of the night.

That's a lot of wee! I think you should chat to your doctor or health visitor about it, especially if you have upped the nappy size. (What time does the night time nappy go on? I presume it's a fresh one just before bed?)

My dd had to go to a bedwetting clinic at age 6; and we were actively encouraged to increase her fluids during the day and not restrict them on an evening so unless you are giving him massive amounts of fluids and a really big drink before bed I wouldn't change it as withholding fluids is not recommended anymore.

Good luck. (My DH does very little night time parenting so I feel where you are coming from)

But he told you he checked your DC and you won't believe him .Of course he is offended!!!!
Changing a 2.5 yo twice a night seems a hell of a lot.I agree you need to see a HCP.
Also are you not potty training in teh day yet?

My ds is 2 yrs 1 mth and bf all day and drinks water freely all day and evening and bf to sleep and in the night if/when he wakes up and I don't change him at night.

We didn't potty train until 3 as ours weren't ready. I don't know why so many people are questioning this - pretty sure the OP knows her own child!

We also have kids that wee a lot during the night. They are four and not dry at night and still end up with wringing wet beds sometimes. They don't have anything to drink after dinner and have a glass of water or milk with dinner (like a small tumbler size) and they are still very wet. They are potty trained during the day though.

I know this doesn't help much but just wanted to share!

I'm sure she does know her own child but it's her firstborn so she most likely hasn't potty trained one before,

Hi OP

Can I ask whether the excessive bedwetting is a recent thing? Also just how much do they do drink during the day and are they thirsty at night?

excessive bedwetting? He's 2.5 and in nappies! You might find that one of the cloth nappy covers over the top of a normal nappy helps. Along with the cutting down of fluids in the evening as others have suggested. WRT to your DH, talking to him when you're both less tired might help - the conversation you have described is pretty common when you have a newborn, but if you feel it's a constant thing (him being a bit useless) then you need to talk properly about it. Do you generally do everything DC related?

cakecrumbs- if that was aimed at me, it's not a a dig at the OP or her child. I'm asking because bedwetting that soaks the through the nappies and pajamas AND also the fact that the DC has to be changed several times during the night can be a sign of something more serious especially if it's a recent thing.

Those who have night time wetters - are your DCs still drinking from a bottle?
I ask because DS2 was a chronic night time wetter - as soon as we stopped his bottles completely, and he was only drinking from cups and beakers, his fluid intake dropped and he has been dry at night ever since.

I do think its a lot as wel, and its no dig at OP; there could be lots of reasons for it and a quick chat to a health professional could get to the bottom of it. I'm pretty sure my DC have not needed to have nappy changes through the night since they were about 6 months old, and when they started needing it that's when I knew we needed to go up a size. I've never restricted fluids or lifted them either.

Yabu to be cross with your dh, it sounds like you don't believe him if he says he didn't notice a dirty nappy. And so what if he's lying, we all take the piss from time to. Two nappy changes in a night sounds to me like something to ask a gp about. One, normal, two a bit strange.

We give milk before bed. But both children use the toilet twice as part of bedtime routine ( eldest 3 dry in day, youngest only 20 months)

So we go upstairs and they use the toilet before bath. Then have milk after bath wrapped in towel. Followed by teeth, toilet again, and pull up on for night time. I think eldest is almost dry now at night too, youngest isn't but nappy isn't overly full.

Could you introduce something like this? I think ours drink a fair amount too ( probably 2 beakers of milk, 1/2 cup fruit juice, 3 beakers/ cups of water on average)

I am astounded at anyone needing to change their toddlers once let alone more than once in the night. Two.nappy changes in the night at 2.5 and my first port of call.would.be the doctors.

ok so YANBU.

I have found that sometimes husbands need to be shaken out of their selfish tunnel vision and reminded as mine did that:

1. I Am NOT a single parent (so why do you expect me too behave like one and do every thing while you do nothing?

2. I DID NOT shout "abracadabra" one day and magic a baby into my stomach

3. NOR DID I climb up on myself and get pregnant

...you created your DCs together and you have a right to expect that you should be rearing them together

Thanks for everyone's replies and suggestions, some of which sound really useful.

I have already taken the opinion of a paediatrician on the matter and as DC1 is otherwise well in himself they have not advised me on doing any investigations at the moment but just to monitor things. Also I know my own child well and i don't think anything more worrying is going on either.

He has his milk normally 1-2 hours before bedtime.

The leaking does not happen every night.

We have agreed with DH even before baby was born that once baby is born I will be taking care of baby in the night (who is awake lots more plus I am doing breastfeeds etc) and he will be attending to DC1 if needed. Whenever DC1 has had an accident however I am always called to help find fresh clothes and help change him. I don't mind helping but would have been happier if DH was generally more proactive and didn't need to call me every single time. On the other hand I would rather be pragmatic and accept that it is quicker to help get a very upset DC1 sorted out, rather than have DH fuff around for ages with a cold and hauling toddler. It would also help if I was being appreciated slightly more by DH rather than have to deal with such an over reaction from him when I bring up the subject. I thought parenting was about teamwork, honesty, patience. I love my DH but he can sometimes be more hard work looking after DC than the DC themselves.

For the record- I never said I didn't believe DH- rather DH thought I didn't as I was asking questions to try to understand what exactly went on as in the space of 10 minutes of DC1 waking up, DH attending to him and falling asleep next to him and me going to the bedroom to see if all was OK, I found a very wet and cold child who had also got a smelly dirty nappy on. I genuinely thought it was all a bit odd. The nappy must have been pretty full in the first place when DH went to him otherwise it would not have leaked with just one wee/poo. This is not the first time I go to check DC1 right after DH has been just to find he has a full nappy which DH could not be bothered to change. I am not obsessive and would be happy to let DH do everything if I could be sure he would do what was needed each time.

DS went through a stage of leaking a few months ago (around 2.5 years). He just all of a sudden seemed to wee loads, so I would change him while he slept before I went to bed.

A friend suggested that he may be holding his wees while he was awake, and then weeing lots while he slept.

I don't know if that was the case or not, but the leaks stopped after a couple of months.

pampers are leaky.

try tesco own brand size 6 nappies or huggies size 6 pullups. I think we had less leaks with the pull ups.

browneyesblue- i think this is what happens with my DC1 too as he doesn't seem to have that much wee in daytime either.

Okay so your husband was asleep beside your DC. Your husband said he checked the nappy when he went in. You don't believe him and you accuse him of being defensive - and then you patronise your husband by saying nobody is a perfect parent when what you really mean is that you are better at it than him because you changed the nappy whilst you were awake anyway.
YABU, probably as you're knackered. Your DH may well be able to have a calm conversation if you initiated one.

Yanbu but your OP reads like a police statement! DH is human...it's the kind of thing I might do tbh. Fall asleep and not immediately wake up when DC wees or poos.

YANBU. DH isn't pulling his weight and you're understandably p-ed off about it. I would have gone mental with DH at the time, lying sleeping next to a soaking wet child, fgs but then I have a sharp tongue

Sounds like you're actually not ok with doing all the nights, including weekends, and maybe you should sort that out. I sympathise, I am ebfing our 4 month old and it makes it hard to find a fair parenting balance. not sure what the answer is but coparenting is hard enough without one person being well rested and the other being totally f-ing knackered.