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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say DD should be able to attend parties/activities during fathers contact time?

136 replies

alisunshine29 · 07/03/2013 21:25

DD is 5.5 years old, her father and I have been separated for over 3.5 years and he sees her once per fortnight only through his own choice. Up until now, if DD had a party to attend or dance show/gymnastics competition etc to take part in which fell on her dads contact weekend then I'd swap contact weekends so DD could attend/take part - he refuses to take her to any parties or activities but she also doesn't want him to. However, now DD is getting older I no longer attend parties with her like I used to so am missing out on time with her there. She's good at/enjoys dance, gymnastics and swimming and now she's older has competitions and shows to take part in. I have no problem in ferrying her to/from these if her dad won't but AIBU to say I will not replace contact missed due to parties/activities?
For example, next month it's her dance schools annual shows. One weekend there is a dress rehearsal (dads weekend so he'll expect me to replace the day though I won't see her all day) the next weekend (mine) there are 5 shows which I'll take her to/from but will barely see her. The following week there are 3 shows so he'll expect another day to be replaced thereby not leaving DD any weekend time with her sister and I for an entire month.

OP posts:
gaelicsheep · 08/03/2013 09:03

Perhaps OP your DD wishes to spend the very limited time she has with her dad actually being with him? Of course YABVU.

MrsLouisTheroux · 08/03/2013 09:06

Perhaps OP your DD wishes to spend the very limited time she has with her dad actually being with him? Of course YABVU.

agree with this

livinginwonderland · 08/03/2013 09:16

I don't get to demand 1 day out of 14 of my daughter's time to be spent entirely for my amusement.

no, but the OP is with her daughter 13 days out of 14. not all day everyday, but she's there from when she wakes up to when she goes to bed - she gets to do bathtime, read her stories, cook her dinner, hear about school, the dad doesn't get to do any of that. i think it's perfectly reasonable for him to want a day with her that doesn't involve ferrying her to activities and not seeing her properly.

also, if this five year old is SO busy that she can't have one day of downtime/fortnight to see her dad, then something is very wrong. plus, he's being flexible and switching his days so she can do activities, not banning her from them altogether.

if i was in his shoes, i would be very pissed off to be told what i can/can't do with my own child for one day a fortnight. any parties and events have been planned/RSVP'd to by her mother as primary caregiver, and i'm betting her dad hasn't had a say in most of it.

MidniteScribbler · 08/03/2013 09:19

I'd love to hear Dad's perpective on this.

Bonsoir · 08/03/2013 09:19

It is not up to the OP to decide what her DD does when she is with her father.

AThingInYourLife · 08/03/2013 10:19

I don't think anyone should expect to commandeer 25% of another person's weekend time.

Insisting that any day he can't have the child's undivided attention for the entire day isn't acceptable to him is unreasonable.

seeker · 08/03/2013 10:33

Interesting how everyone is focussing on him to taking her to parties- which I agree is a bit shit, but not on the insane activity schedule.............

MidniteScribbler · 08/03/2013 10:39

Oh FFS she's five years old. Of course she is going to be subject to the wishes and whims of her parents. My weekend does not revolve entirely round the whims of a child. If I want to spend the day at home, or go to a competition, or take him to a theme park, or take him to a party, then that is my decision as his parent. Part of being a family mens that sometimes you miss out on some things to allow everyone the opportunity to do some of the things they want, which may not be everything they want to do. Parents are not slaves to their children.

cantspel · 08/03/2013 10:50

Maybe the very reason he refuses to ferry her to activities on "his time" is he thinks she needs some down time, to do nothing but be a child rather than some sort of performing seal.

babybarrister · 08/03/2013 10:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AngelWreakinHavoc · 08/03/2013 11:17

The op has said he dd doesnt want to do activities on the contact weekend with her Dad and I dont blame her, Yoiur d/aughter must be exhausted op!

he refuses to take her to any parties or activities but she also doesn't want him to

AngelWreakinHavoc · 08/03/2013 11:20

Oh I forgot YABVU.

AThingInYourLife · 08/03/2013 12:03

I think people have stopped talking about the crazy activity schedule because there is general agreement that it's way too much for such a young child.

Now we're down to whether children's time belongs to their parents (his time, her time) who should please thrmselves or whether a child, even at the age if 5, should be allowed to spend their own time living their own life.

MrsLouisTheroux · 08/03/2013 17:08

Now we're down to whether children's time belongs to their parents (his time, her time) who should please thrmselves or whether a child, even at the age if 5, should be allowed to spend their own time living their own life.

At 5, a child's life is organised by the parents and it's the parent's responsibility to ensure that there is balance which includes contact with parents, other relatives, friends, school, clubs, outings, activities and quiet time.
OP hasn't got this balance...umm...balanced.

BoneyBackJefferson · 08/03/2013 17:59

AThingInYourLife

even if I agreed with this "I think people have stopped talking about the crazy activity schedule because there is general agreement that it's way too much for such a young child."

You are ignoring this "she also doesn't want him to"
Maybe the ex's time is the only time the DD can do what she wants.

We also don't know how much stuff the OP has organised that would or has prevented contact.

AThingInYourLife · 08/03/2013 18:46

No, she doesn't have it balanced.

But refusing to ever take a child to a birthday party is far from balanced too.

An excess of structured weekend activities is one problem.

A parent refusing to do any activities at all during "his" time is another.

I think mediation would really help here.

MrsLouisTheroux · 08/03/2013 18:53

AThing OP says: he refuses to take her to any parties or activities but she also doesn't want him to.
He doesn't want to for valid reasons (i.e. spending actual time with his DD instead of dropping her somewhere) She doesn't want him to. He's not done anything wrong and is flexible with the days he sees her.

Original poster
alisunshine29 · 08/03/2013 18:56

She spends 2.5 hours per week at extra curricular activities - that's hardly an insane schedule! All of which are arranged on weeknights to facilitate contact. Dance shows occur over two weekends once per year, gymnastics competitions are three times per year. I'm not a pushy mum - it'd make my life easier and be cheaper if she didn't do activities but she does, and she loves them. For all those saying poor ex because he only gets to see her once per fortnight - that is HIS. Choice. He works round the corner but never comes for tea etc.

OP posts:
INeverSaidThat · 09/03/2013 00:50

YANBU

.....but queuing for 2 and a half hours for dance show tickets Shock. It does sound like a lot of activities. I don't really understand why you DD can't miss some of the shows Confused

seeker · 09/03/2013 01:27

So there are really only 5 weekends a year where she has commitments? Then what is the problem? Surely to goodness you can work round 5 weekends?

alwayslateforwork · 09/03/2013 01:57

That's not nearly such a good bitch, though, seeker.

It was far more effective when it was every weekend.

Op, you parent your way, let her dad parent his way. You were the one that said your dd didn't want her dad ferrying her everywhere.

Dance shows are shit for dads anyway. It isn't as though as he can pop into the changing room to do her hair and fix her make-up. They'd be shouting 'paedo' from the rooftops.

I suspect you quite like the role of organiser, anyway. Grin

If the dance show is only two weekends a year, then suck it up and change the weekend he has her. You signed her up for it, you schlep her around and stick on her eyelashes. Let him watch tv with her in peace on a different weekend.

coffeeismywine · 09/03/2013 04:22

I am sorry but you seriously expect your ex to pop round for tea to your house to see his daughter?

AThingInYourLife · 09/03/2013 07:17

If he works around the corner he can hardly claim the journey is too arduous to bring his daughter to the occasional party.

Why doesn't she want her Dad to take her? Does he bully her? Is she ashamed of him? It's quite weird not wanting your Dad to bring you to stuff.

It seems like this whole contact thing is all about him.

He sees her only as much as he chooses. He will only spend the time doing what he wants.

Her extra curricular activities and social engagements will increase as she gets older and a father who thinks he has a right to be entertained by his pet daughter for a quarter of her weekend days is going to have a deleterious effect on her ability to develop her social life and interests.

I think you should see about mediation soon, before she's missing a lot if stuff to pander to his whims.

Or you are doing all the work of supporting her life and he is swooping in once a fortnight to get his biweekly fix of dominating his daughter's attention.

I find it so sad and bizarre that there are children growing up missing out on important parts of their childhood because their parents have split and they have a father who refuses to do anything a parent would normally do.

coffeeismywine · 09/03/2013 07:24

There is no way if my kids are with their dad I would be going for tea at his house. That suggestion is utterly nonsensical.

mercibucket · 09/03/2013 07:48

so its a years worth of shows in one month? sounds full on.