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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say DD should be able to attend parties/activities during fathers contact time?

136 replies

alisunshine29 · 07/03/2013 21:25

DD is 5.5 years old, her father and I have been separated for over 3.5 years and he sees her once per fortnight only through his own choice. Up until now, if DD had a party to attend or dance show/gymnastics competition etc to take part in which fell on her dads contact weekend then I'd swap contact weekends so DD could attend/take part - he refuses to take her to any parties or activities but she also doesn't want him to. However, now DD is getting older I no longer attend parties with her like I used to so am missing out on time with her there. She's good at/enjoys dance, gymnastics and swimming and now she's older has competitions and shows to take part in. I have no problem in ferrying her to/from these if her dad won't but AIBU to say I will not replace contact missed due to parties/activities?
For example, next month it's her dance schools annual shows. One weekend there is a dress rehearsal (dads weekend so he'll expect me to replace the day though I won't see her all day) the next weekend (mine) there are 5 shows which I'll take her to/from but will barely see her. The following week there are 3 shows so he'll expect another day to be replaced thereby not leaving DD any weekend time with her sister and I for an entire month.

OP posts:
3littlefrogs · 08/03/2013 07:43

I understood it was the training, rehearsals and shows that were the problem, not parties.

coffeeismywine · 08/03/2013 07:43

Here's a radical concept. You can say no. She doesn't have to do everything.

And I don't think a parent who sees a 5 year old one day a fortnight wanting to spend time with them is fucked up.

HappyMummyOfOne · 08/03/2013 07:44

Reverse the situation where you only get to see your own child for a day a fortnight and for x hoirs of that day they are elsewhere, would you be happy? I very much doubt it.

He is her parent too, upto him what they do on contact time. Not suprised they eat out or do tv given the little one has so much other stuff going on in her life.

5 year olds need to play and chill, that many activities is for your benefit not hers.

AThingInYourLife · 08/03/2013 07:45

He won't take her to any parties or activities.

I agree that the level of activities is ridiculous, but a 5 year old is entitled to have her own life and have it supported by her parents.

coffeeismywine · 08/03/2013 07:46

Fuckksake my 23 year old comes home for a weeks holidays and I get pissed off if he's out on the batter all the time and I hardly see him. And he's 23 not 5

seeker · 08/03/2013 07:47

Oh, don't be silly. Parties are her own life- but the rest of this stuff is her mother"s. I've been there, done that, made the T shirt. One of the biggest mistakes of my life.

AThingInYourLife · 08/03/2013 07:49

Yes, parties are her own life and he won't bring her to parties.

And that is really shit of him.

She doesn't exist for his entertainment.

pingu2209 · 08/03/2013 07:51

Whilst I totally understand your rationale which should make you reasonable. Her contact is not about you, it is about your daughter and her relationship with her father.

If you do not replace the days he misses, which he is being an arsehole by the way. You daughter will miss out in the long term - much longer term.

It should be his job to build a relationship with his daughter, for his and her benefit, but clearly he is an ejit!

However, you can manipulate your weekends so she still sees her dad but also goes to competitions and parties. I would do this because you are doing the best for your daughter.

Mum's (and most Dad's) fall on their sword for their children. It's what we do.

Altinkum · 08/03/2013 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coffeeismywine · 08/03/2013 07:57

How many parties does she miss to accommodate the dance and swimming and other activities like that?

MidniteScribbler · 08/03/2013 07:57

A five year old child isn't going to need years of therapy for missing a few birthday parties. I suspect she's missing more parties because of the various activities instead of her father. We also don't know if he has other children that have their own activities and parties to try on fit in as well.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 08/03/2013 08:00

I would be thinking that whether he likes it or not, part of being a parent is ferrying kids here there and everywhere, and the time sitting in the car park waiting for them to be finished their activities.

You are most definitely not being unreasonable - he is.

MrsLouisTheroux · 08/03/2013 08:02

A 5 year old does not arrange their own social calendar.
She has too many things to fit in. Time with mother, contact/ days out with father, parties with friends, then the rest. It's the rest of the stuff that complicates everything. There is obviously not enough time to do it all.
What is the priority for a 5 year old? Being dropped of at Gym, swimming or a fortnightly day out with one of her parents?

MrsLouisTheroux · 08/03/2013 08:05

Altkin:I love this 5 year olds social life is created by the mother bollocks!!!
When you sign up for an activity, your committed to what that activity involves. In th same way you are with any school outside project or school team etc...
Wow, you have a 5 year old who has signed up for these things themselves?
The OP has not left enough time on the social calendar for this child's father.

AThingInYourLife · 08/03/2013 08:07

My nearly 5 year old would be really upset to miss a birthday party she was invited to.

Whether it would damage her longterm to be upset doesn't really justify upsetting her.

Ideally they should come to an accommodation about activities that involves decreasing the weekend commitments so she can spend more unstructured time at home with her parents.

But he needs to recognise that as she grows up she will have less time for him and part of being a parent is being OK with that. He should bring her to parties that fall on days when he is in charge.

MrsLouisTheroux · 08/03/2013 08:13

She is 5. Her father doesn't stop her from going to parties. He wants to spend time with her 1 day out of 14. He would prefer to spend actual time with her rather than dropping her off somewhere so he swops days.
I really don't think this is U.

AThingInYourLife · 08/03/2013 08:21

I think it's extremely unreasonable to think that his day is sacrosanct and just for his benefit and the child's mother should do all the dropping off and missing out on "quality time".

Maybe he should have her for longer and then he wouldn't need to treat what should be normal life with a child as some kind of day trip.

MrsMushroom · 08/03/2013 08:24

Lois as Thing says, the day is not HIS>....it is also his DDs. It's going to be a HUGE shock when she's older and wants to give his days a miss because she doesn't want to be his pet anymore...

MrsMushroom · 08/03/2013 08:24

Plus a party is 2 hours max. It's not ALL day!

Meglet · 08/03/2013 08:26

YANBU.

Me and XP attended a mediation session and he kicked off when the mediator said he must to be flexible about weekends when the kids had parties, long-distance relatives popping by, sports events. He refused, got angry and was asked to leave, they haven't seen him in nearly 4yrs now.

The medation officer said contact should pretty much revolve around what the child does, so the NRP still needs to let them go to parties and other events.

MrsLouisTheroux · 08/03/2013 08:35

I think it's extremely unreasonable to think that his day is sacrosanct
It isn't though is it? He is willing to swop days so that his DD gets to live her life and do the stuff arranged for her/ see her friends.
Het wants one of the 14 days to spend with her. Not U at all.

AThingInYourLife · 08/03/2013 08:42

"Het wants one of the 14 days to spend with her. Not U at all."

She's not a pet.

She's a person.

He can spend time with her and bring her to parties occasionally.

Like the rest of the universe of parents do.

I don't get to demand 1 day out of 14 of my daughter's time to be spent entirely for my amusement.

I think expecting that is really controlling and creepy.

digerd · 08/03/2013 08:43

My friend's dd when a teenager didn't want her Saturdays away from home as she wanted to tend to her horse at weekends and train for dressage. But she had to go.

NoTimeForS · 08/03/2013 08:46

It does seem like a lot for a five year old.
She would probably benefit from a day at home watching tv with her dad - especially if they don't see each other very often.
I don't think you should necessarily swap, but instead- it won't be the end of the world if she misses some of these events IMO.

MrsLouisTheroux · 08/03/2013 08:49

A thing so wanting to spend time with her makes her his pet? I don't think so.
The OP herself doesn't want to miss out on one to one time with her DD but thinks he should? ... The following week there are 3 shows so he'll expect another day to be replaced thereby not leaving DD any weekend time with her sister and I for an entire month.

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