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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Tell My Mum That I Don't Want To Celebrate Mother's Day?

48 replies

judybloomers · 07/03/2013 16:48

I've just spoken to my DM on the phone.

They are coming down to visit tomorrow and I was asking when they would be heading home. She said they would stay later in the day than normal given that it's a special day.

We have had 6 rounds of fertility treatment resulting in an ectopic and a miscarriage and heehaw else.

I said that we didn't want to make a big fuss of the day and she wanted to know why not. I had to spell out that it was quite difficult because I so wanted to be a mum and each year I kept thinking this would be the last Mother's Day that I wasn't a mum and it also made me think of the babies that I'd lost.

My DM said that she didn't understand my attitude because I still have a mum - her own mum died 12 years ago - and I should be glad of that. She just didn't get where I was coming from at all.

So, AIBU and selfish? I have got her, my stepmum and my MIL a card each if that counts for anything?

OP posts:
CocacolaMum · 07/03/2013 16:51

As a mother I am shocked that she doesn't want to make this time as easy and smooth for you as possible. I am really sorry that you are a mum without a child, it must feel very raw.

Mothers day is such a bloody hallmark event anyway, am I the only person who couldn't give a shit about it?

ScentedNappyHag · 07/03/2013 16:52

YANBU to feel the way you do, but I don't think SIBU to want to spend the day with you either, especially as it's probably a hard day for her too.
Sorry, sitting on the fence isn't helpful, but I'm sorry for your losses Thanks I hope you get through the day however you need to.

Original poster
judybloomers · 07/03/2013 16:55

It isn't that I'm not happy to spend the day with her, it's just that I can't face going out to lunch and seeing all the other women with their children and special Mother's Day menus and things. I'm happy to see her in herself.

OP posts:
Groovee · 07/03/2013 16:55

I'm on the fence as it's obviously a day which you find hard, but doesn't your mum deserve to be a wee bit spoiled too?

CocacolaMum · 07/03/2013 16:57

IMO her mum WOULD deserve to be spoiled if what she had said when she called was "I thought we would just spend time at yours/mine and have a nice lunch, I know this must be a hard day..do you want to talk about it?". To expect to be spoiled at the expense of her daughters feelings is downright bratty.

I might be wrong but thats not the vibe I get from the OP

Original poster
judybloomers · 07/03/2013 16:59

I guess it's that she was genuinely oblivious to the idea that I might find it a hard day. I had to explain why and she still couldn't see why I would feel that way.

OP posts:
TheSeniorWrangler · 07/03/2013 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
judybloomers · 07/03/2013 17:34

It's a reasonable question. Do my feelings trump hers?

I think in general I'm a good daughter and do go out of my way to make a fuss of her on her birthday etc, but this has been an horrendous year and I just can't face it being rubbed in my face.

I am upset that she didn't even get that it would be difficult, even after I explained to her. I should say that I wouldn't normally see her on Mother's Day because she lives a few hours away.

OP posts:
Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 07/03/2013 17:36

Ouch judy did you miss the miscarriage bit?! She is a mum but her babies sleeping

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter · 07/03/2013 17:38

Sorry judy quoted the wrong name there! Let's try again
Senior wrangler did you miss the miscarriage bit?

TheSeniorWrangler · 07/03/2013 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 07/03/2013 17:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
judybloomers · 07/03/2013 17:39

Thanks Can't that did make me flinch - but I wondered if I was being oversensitive.

BTW Cocacola that's exactly how I feel - a mum with no babies - I feel pathetic.

OP posts:
TheNebulousBoojum · 07/03/2013 17:40

I'm so sorry that your mother isn't more understanding, and I don't think you are being unreasonable or insensitive at all.

SirBoobAlot · 07/03/2013 17:41

YANBU. to you.

nomoreplease · 07/03/2013 17:43

I do think you are being slightly unreasonable, coming from someone who lost her mum before her first birthday this time of year is awfully hard but to me is about celebrating your mum and all she gave you and all she does for you. Not what your children bring to you.

But I do understand your yearning for a child and actually being a mum.

CocacolaMum · 07/03/2013 17:44

I certainly was not saying that you were pathetic. WTH did that come from? x

TheNebulousBoojum · 07/03/2013 17:47

Pick a different day to spoil her, card and chocolates and flowers on the day, going out somewhere on another day.
My OH had to persuade my mum that it was OK to celebrate Mothers' day the year after he lost both of his parents. She didn't want to upset him.
I can't imagine my DD going through what you have without me empathising along with her and trying to be as supportive as possible.

Original poster
judybloomers · 07/03/2013 17:47

No no Cocacola I know you weren't calling me pathetic - I do feel like a mother with no children, but I feel pathetic for feeling that way when I see mothers with their real live children.

It sounds like most people are saying that IABU, maybe so, but I guess I feel I should be able to be unreasonable once in a while and my mum shoulds understand.

OP posts:
Maryz · 07/03/2013 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DragonMamma · 07/03/2013 17:55

I can appreciate that it's hard for you, given your fertility problems to date. But if she's a good mum otherwise I think you need to put your (valid) feelings aside and celebrate that you do have your mum, many don't and anything can happen at any time so I would try if I were you.

girlwiththedragon · 07/03/2013 17:58

OP you are NOT being unreasonable your mum is being insensitive. If my children were in your position I would give up every single mothers day forever (it's shit anyway). Feel for you ignore mother's day it's false and crap

MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel · 07/03/2013 17:59

Honestly, yes, you are being a bit selfish. Sometimes you have to be and other people have to understand.

Your mother is being very insensitive and not even trying to understand how you feel. My mother did something similar the first mothers day after my son died, she called to moan that I hadn't marked the day and she was still my mother and deserved recognition. I was keeping it together by a thread and the last thing I needed was to have to consider anyone elses feelings.

Sometimes you just need to think about yourself, I think this is one of those occasions.

I hope the day is as gentle as it can be for you Thanks

girlwiththedragon · 07/03/2013 17:59

I mean I feel for you I really do

Joolsy · 07/03/2013 18:00

You don't need to go out. Why not just have a nice meal at home with her? Then you can spend some time together. That would not take away how you're feeling about not being a mother at this time. I don't particularly like going out on Mothers' Day or any other 'special' day. My OH doesn't do much for me on Mothers' Day as he says I'm not his mum (!) and my kids are a bit young at the mo. Just a quiet cuppa in bed for 5 mins and I'm happy.