To Tell My Mum That I Don't Want To Celebrate Mother's Day?

[judybloomers]

I've just spoken to my DM on the phone.

They are coming down to visit tomorrow and I was asking when they would be heading home. She said they would stay later in the day than normal given that it's a special day.

We have had 6 rounds of fertility treatment resulting in an ectopic and a miscarriage and heehaw else.

I said that we didn't want to make a big fuss of the day and she wanted to know why not. I had to spell out that it was quite difficult because I so wanted to be a mum and each year I kept thinking this would be the last Mother's Day that I wasn't a mum and it also made me think of the babies that I'd lost.

My DM said that she didn't understand my attitude because I still have a mum - her own mum died 12 years ago - and I should be glad of that. She just didn't get where I was coming from at all.

So, AIBU and selfish? I have got her, my stepmum and my MIL a card each if that counts for anything?

[TheNebulousBoojum]

'It sounds like most people are saying that IABU, maybe so'

Nope, count the posts. Almost everyone is saying your feelings are valid and your mum could be more aware of them.

[EuroShaggleton]

judy I completely understand. I am going to hide in my house all day on Sunday. We have had it confirmed today that I am going to miscarry a very much wanted IVF baby after a long, long time ttc. Christmas was awfully difficult and this timing is just the icing on the cake. We usually have my parents over for lunch or something on Mother's Day. This year I can't face being sociable and pasting on a smile. I have sent a card and ordered some flowers. I will be calling her later to tell her why I will be hiding on Sunday. I feel quite guilty about it - it is her day. But it should be mine too. Sometimes you have to be a little bit selfish and do what is right for you. She has had 36 years of being made a fuss of on Mother's Day. This one will just need to be low key.

[NotADragonOfSoup]

Hang on - they're coming tomorrow, ie Friday? Can you do something to celebrate your mother on the Friday and then do something personal on Sunday?

[judybloomers]

So sorry Euro

[judybloomers]

They are staying til Sunday specifically so my mum can be made a fuss of on Sunday. I would rather have just had a quiet day not having to pretend to be jolly.

[ssd]

op, you are not unreasonable at all, I havent had fertility issues but I can well sympathise with you feeling hurt. Your mum is being very blinkered and selfish, sorry but thats the bottom line. She cant see how much you are hurting and being your mum she is the one person in the world who should understand. (i recently lost my mum and I'm very emotional about mothers day)

I hope you sped the day in the way you want, you arent the one in the wrong here.

[Tailtwister]

I don't think YABU at all. I find it pretty callous that your mum doesn't see where you're coming from on this. You would expect a caring mother to want to make things as easy for her daughter as possible. Instead she's behaving like a spoilt brat. That wouldn't want me to make a fuss of her on mother's day tbh. What kind of mother behaves like that!

I think you just have to accept that this is her view and tbh I would tell her to take a hike. Sorry to be so blunt, but having gone through IVF myself I know how hard it is and I think she's been a prize cow.

[judybloomers]

Usually when they visit they leave after breakfast on the Sunday, so until this afternoon, I thought that was what would be happening.

[judybloomers]

Cross-posted.

Oh dear and now I feel bad to have people calling my DM a cow. She's not really, she's lovely, she just doesn't have much imagination.

[AvonCallingBarksdale]

Euro, very sorry to hear that.
OP, this is tricky, cos I think it's more about your mum's reaction. She is BU not to be more sensitive towards you. I don't have any experience of difficulties with trying to conceive, but I don't think it's a massive step to empathise and understand that mother's Day will be a difficult day for you. If she's coming tomorrow, couldn't you do stuff with her then and have your own day on Sunday?

[judybloomers]

Though actually I guess I am quite angry with her. When we lsot the first baby she phoned me in tears because she was so upset. I ended up comforting her. I do know how much she wants to be a Gran.

[littlemonkeychops]

YADNBU, quite surprised anyone could think you were.

How on earth your mother can't see why you'll find it hard, even once you'd explained is beyond me.

As to those who have said you're being selfish, huh?

As a mum herself your mum should totally get why you find this sunday hard and be going out of her way to make it easier for you, not telling you that you should feel "glad" you've got her. Really?! You should be "glad" to have an insensitive mum? Why?

Go easy on yourself you've had a rough time and deserve kindness not guilt tripping.

[storynanny]

It's really difficult isn't it trying to please everyone on days such as Mother's Day? There was an interesting post the other day which said it should be reserved for those doing active mothering, eg mums with young children and us older mums should accept that as we have had our turn. I personally think that made very good sense. I would expect my sons to make their wives a priority on Mother's Day if there are young children involved.
Of course Mother's Day is a USA name, in this country it's Mothering Sunday, originating from the days when young girls in service went home to visit their mums with a cake and go to their parish ( called mother) church.
It's an upsetting day for so many groups of women - I'm going out for lunch with a girl friend as my grown up sons live the other side of the world and she sadly has no children of her own and lost her own mother as a child. Likewise my step daughter gets upset as her own mother died when she was a teenager.
I shall be helping 30 little ones make a card at school tomorrow and reminding them to get it out of their school bags on Sunday! Don't forget to check book bags over the weekend everyone.
Interesting , are there so many conflicts of interest on Father's Day?

[NotADragonOfSoup]

Can your OH talk to her?

[whiteandyellowiris]

yanbu, im sorry shes such an idiot you had to spell it out to her

its a hard day for those of us with huge loss in our lives, in fact mothers day is a silly day really imo.

your mum is out of order imo

im so sorry for your loss, i hope better luck is in store for you x

[Phineyj]

YANBU, your Mum is. Can DH try explaining to her -- as I am sure he is upset too.

[NotADragonOfSoup]

Maybe you/your OH need to be blunt with her. "We're pleased you're visiting but I'm afraid you'll have to leave at X time. It's been a really difficult time and we need to just be by ourselves."

[Flixy102]

OP, this thread really struck a chord with me. I've told DH not to get anything for me for Mother's Day from his DD (my DSD) as we are having fertility problems and I really can't handle getting a card or present when I have no babies of my own.

I thought perhaps it was a tad mean of me to say that and maybe I should just go ahead with accepting a gift etc, but I just can't handle it this year (as I have done previous years).

I empathise with you enormously.

[FormerlyKnownAsPrincessChick]

YADNBU. I'm really sorry for your crappy time TTC and your losses. As someone who's been through 2 MCs and having taken 3 years to get pregnant and having seen 3 Mother's Day when I should have been a mum - it hits hard. It really is a misery. All of the reminders on telly, in the shops etc. My mum lost her mum 20 years ago, so I always make a fuss of her but there are many different ways of making a fuss and expecting you to go out is simply too much. Refuse to go, buy a nice bunch of flowers / present, tell her you love her but be firm and honest about your feelings. Wishing you lots of love and luck for the future xxx