Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I deserve some support?

28 replies

Poppet48 · 05/03/2013 20:02

Fiancé left me suddenly, I have an 18 MO DS and I am pregnant, Baby was planned and life was perfect so it came as a complete and utter shock and I haven't got over it one bit.

I am devastated, I am heartbroken and I am struggling to keep my emotions in check when I am talking to people. I just want him back.

I had to move in with my family who have become increasingly hostile towards me; They don't want to talk anymore and show no interest, They are extremely argumentative about the littlest thing and they have said that I have 'Been a burden all my life'.

I cannot stress enough that I have done nothing to deserve this. Yes, I have been extremely emotional and go to bed early as the nights are the hardest time for me but I am always having a laugh and smiling to try and pick myself up. I cannot help my devastation and I won't ever get over him leaving me, I still love him and all I want is to be a family again.

Take today, I asked my DM what was wrong and she snapped at me, Told me that I am creating atmospheres and drama and making life hard. I said that I didn't choose the situation I am in and she just told me how hard there life has got and how I should be offering to make them teas and coffees etc. Later that day my DM and DF started at me again, screaming at me about how hard there life is and about me being a burden and how I have been a burden to them all there life. When I tried to talk to understand why the sudden change of emotion towards me they screamed at me to shut up.

It happens everyday and if I knew why or I had done something to deserve this I would honestly tell you, But there is nothing.

I don't know what to do anymore, I am being ignored by everyone and told to not ask them for anything anymore (I ask for the occasional lift to get to my hospital appointments) I pay my way and I help around the house.

What can I do, I just feel as though I need some support as each time I get upset and try to talk about my feelings they blank me and tell me that they are not interested.

:(

OP posts:
Iseeall · 05/03/2013 20:22

Sorry you are going through this. Why did you move in with your parents ? I think you need to look at finding your own place. You are are not getting support or comfort from your parents and it sounds like they don't really want you there.
Ensure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to, visit the CAB, get yourself on the council housing list .
I know you are probably in shock still at the moment but you need to be proactive.
Good luck with the baby.... you have lots to look forward to.

maddening · 05/03/2013 21:30

You need to get away from your parents :(

Go and speak to the cab - get balls rolling.

Is your fiance paying maintenance? Why was it you that had to move out?

So sorry you should have more support- were your parents always like this?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/03/2013 21:46

Sounds like a massive shock for you and although they now seem impatient and irritated, your parents did take you in. Perhaps they worry what was a short-term solution is turning into a longer proposition. Your ex has put you in a very difficult situation. The added stress cannot be good for you or your baby. Is your eldest DS his, how long ago did your fiance leave you, have you looked into where you might go, is he contributing towards your DS's upkeep?

Original poster
Poppet48 · 06/03/2013 09:25

I had to move in with my parents as I had no other choice, Our house was rented and I am a SAHM so I had no income, They even said that they didn't want me being on my own.

My Ex doesn't pay anything as the CSA say that he is exempt. He asked me to abort the baby, I have no idea where this came from as the baby was planned and he doesn't show no interest in seeing his son only when it suits him.

They were extremely supportive when I moved out, Before I moved out we had a rocky relationship but now they have no trouble in telling me how hard I have made there life.

I have absolutely no idea where they are coming from and it's always me on the receiving end of it.

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 06/03/2013 09:30

Did he tell you the CSA said he was exempt? Because that sounds like utter bollocks.

Go and speak to the CAB, find out what the housing benefit limits are in your area, and start looking, you need to get yourself and your children away from your poisonous family.

Are you already claiming CB and CTC?

ENormaSnob · 06/03/2013 09:34

How long have you been at your parents?

nilbyname · 06/03/2013 09:35

poppet I am sorry you are having a hard time.

Your posts show that you are very vulnerable and low.

Talk to your GP, your midwife about your feelings. Perhaps some counselling would be good?

Your Ex is taking you for a MUG, get to the CAB and find out your rights and enforce them!

I am having a hard time believing that your parents could be so cruel, are you sure you are not reading too much into things? Have you always had such a dire relationship with them?

What about RL friends, are you part of a ante natal group, even if it is your second baby you can go to them, ask your MW, might be a good way to meet new people.

Get in touch with your sure start centre, they will give good advice and support. You might be entitled to additional benefits, like a free place at pre-school for your eldest.

Good Luck.

Original poster
Poppet48 · 06/03/2013 09:35

Sorry, I've been here 3 months.

OP posts:
RivalSibling · 06/03/2013 09:49

When they say you are being 'a burden' is there something that is happening that might explain this? eg are you taking care of your toddler, helping with housework etc - or are they doing a lot of this? They say they were supportive but now they are saying life is really hard - I wonder if having a toddler around is proving too much for them.

But sorry you are getting so little support when you are feeling down.

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy · 06/03/2013 09:53

You need to leave. You cannot live like that, you need to heal not be destroyed by words like that.

I cant believe they used the 'burden' line, thats totally and utterly cruel.

You need to see the council, you cannot live there you can get help to move. Please leave them, you will heal better on your own with your babies.

Sorry to hear you've had such a shit time of it.

Of course YANBU you deserve lots of support.

expatinscotland · 06/03/2013 09:55

Exempt, my arse! Get back onto the CAB.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/03/2013 10:23

Did you know ex's parents, did you have a good relationship with them?

I am sorry but if ex has been gone for 3 months and walked out on pregnant partner and toddler, plus being so cavalier about contributing towards DS there is little point in wishing him back. Don't be frightened of pissing him off by finding out and claiming what you are entitled to. He won't magically change his mind and return and be a reformed character.

Original poster
Poppet48 · 06/03/2013 10:48

I am getting CTC and CB.

He is exempt from the CSA as he is a student.

It has always been me that has done something wrong, I lost my respect for them when I was raped and they didn't believe me, I remember them throwing a newspaper at me and told me to read an article about a woman who had claimed someone had raped her and was jailed for it, That was the last time I ever spoke about it. I was raped again and just didn't see any point in telling anyone as they didn't believe me the first time, I have never got over this and it has been extremely hard to live with but I have not let it ruin the relationship with my parents and I have by myself lived with it and I have never bought it up again.

I do not know why I have been a 'Burden' all my life, If I did I would honestly say why.

I have not heard anything from my Exs parents, I keep in touch with a few family members/friends but not his immediate family.

I just don't know what to do anymore :(

OP posts:
WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy · 06/03/2013 10:53

So what have you done so far in preperation to move out, so far?

This is your top priority.

SirBoobAlot · 06/03/2013 10:54

Right, get yourself down to the local CAB today, or phone the council housing department. Seriously you do not need to be living with people who didn't believe you were raped Angry How fucking horrific. You are not letting it ruin the relationship with them, they ruined it.

lisad123everybodydancenow · 06/03/2013 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Poppet48 · 06/03/2013 11:09

I have rang the benefit helpline and I have put in a claim to what I am entitled to, This will be sorted out in a week or so.

I will make an appointment with CAB as I don't know how it is possible to afford to move out when my only income is CTC and CB at the moment until my other claim has gone through and even then I won't be able to afford rent :( I'll talk to them though and tell them the situation.

I was 13 when it first happened and they didn't believe me and then it happened again when I was 18, It has been the most difficult thing to get through in my life :( I will never got over it and I struggle some days to maintain my emotions because of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Poppet48 · 06/03/2013 11:09

*Get

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 06/03/2013 11:15

You will be able to afford somewhere once you are claiming HB. Many of us (myself included) are getting by just on benefits. It's tight, but manageable.

Does your MW know about the history with your parents? It might be best if you leave immediately, even if that means going to somewhere like a mother and baby unit. It certainly isn't good for your mental health to be around them.

dreamingbohemian · 06/03/2013 11:16

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this.

Obviously you are entitled to support, but I think you have to be realistic and say that your parents aren't giving you that support and so you will have to go find it from other places. Definitely go to CAB and talk to your midwife and see what all the options are.

If your relationship with them was not good to begin with, then living with them for three months is obviously going to make things worse. You really need to get out of there as soon as possible.

You also need to begin accepting that your relationship is over. I'm really sorry but it's been three months and he's obviously a twat who is not coming back. You WILL get over him, because you have to. You have two children who need you and you need to buck up and start planning your new life without him.

I know it must be really hard but just start talking to people and getting advice.

CSIJanner · 06/03/2013 11:16

Your parents are toxic. Sorry your going through this, but the sooner you get rid of them, the better. as much as you want the support, despite paying your way, they are making things more stressful for you. Move out and cut contact as soon as you can.

And am speechless about their reactions to rape. Sorry Poppet, you may want a relationship with them but they do not act like loving parents. There are far better family figures out there for you. Do you have any other family you can talk to? XxxX

needsadviceplease · 06/03/2013 11:21

Council have a duty to help house you - if you are v v lucky this will be a council/HA home, if not they can find you private rents which accept HB tenants, are within your HB entitlement (this will be 2-bed), and help with deposit. Phone them.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/03/2013 11:26

I was very shocked to read your post at 10:48:29 I cannot imagine treating my DD like that.

I have the feeling you will be a better parent to your DS and new baby. It won't get any easier with your parents and the sooner you can move out the better. You have had a severe knock-back from your ex but with the right sort of assistance you can move on and bring up your DCs and be the sort of role model you missed out on.

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy · 06/03/2013 11:55

Yes, you will be afford to rent. Yes you will be able to afford the rent and deposit for somewhere to live.

If your parents agree that they dont want you living there, then you are homeless. I think we can agree that they dont want you there and you have tried to live there.

You would go straight to the top of the waiting list for a council property. They would find you somewhere to live between now and then. It'd be a shitty bnb but its not for long before they find you a halfway house then your own home.

Alternatively, you can get something from the Rent Deposit Scheme, you find somewhere to live (you will be eligeble for housing benefit) and they will lend you the money to move. You pay it back in small instalments so you're not left broke.

There are options, you CAN afford to move out.

needsadviceplease · 06/03/2013 21:54

Slapmythigh I'm afraid that's not quite correct. OP will not be top of the list, even if she was it can be a wait of many months depending on the area, but most importantly, the government has abolished the local council's obligation to provide social housing to homeless families.

They will still help - Housing Options Team or similarly named - but OP (and others reading) should be aware that all the council are now obliged to arrange is a 12-month affordable tenancy in the private sector.

(Disgusting legal change that slipped past under the radar late last year.)