To think my SIL purposefully tried to spoil our wedding day?

[ThreadWorms]

A bit of a back story first - my SIL (not technically as this is BIL's girlfriend) and BIL were meant to get married last year and had found a venue they wanted to use but decided to use the money her father had given her for the wedding on a house purchase instead. She then told me that they would probably get married abroad in a couple of years. Fast forward to last year and DH and I decided to finally set the date for our wedding having come into a little bit of money which would enable us to do it. As our budget was low we found a couple of venues with winter offers one being the one that SIL was going to use. I was dubious about upsetting her but after a huge fallout with a close friend over the other venue (one date left and she demanded I let her have it - we haven't spoken since) we decided to go ahead with sil's venue believing that it wouldn't matter since they would never use it anyway. SIL is a difficult person, I have posted about her before and she demonstrates many characteristics of narsassistic personality disorder. She has taken over other key events in our life and I fully expected her to do 'something' on our wedding day but she really excelled my expectations.

Firstly she ate her starter and then disappeared outside for the rest of the evening for the most part. She spend near enough the whole time stood outside with the smokers. I realise that this is her prerogative but she made it obvious that she didn't want to be there.

She heckled my dad all the way through his speech and insulted my DH.

She started arguments with a few of my friends over things that happened over 5 years ago. She accused my best friend and bridesmaid of sending her a nasty message on Facebook which never happened. She was generally very rude and nasty to my friends. She has a tendency to be this way with people anyway but I was shocked by just how openenly nasty she was. My friends did very well not to bite but at one point I really thought it could end up with physical fighting as she just wouldn't stop goading them with vile comments.

She was visibly annoyed and said as much that we had been lucky enough to get a good day weather wise which of course people were commenting on.

She told anyone who would listen that we had 'stolen' her venue. She also kept telling people that she was gutted that her sons had not been asked to he pageboys despite the fact that DH had asked them but stipulated that they would have to pay for the suit hire. They opted not to do this, fair enough.

I generally tried to avoid her anyway as I don't like her very much but at one point she pulled me over to have a 'heart to heart'. It started off very nice with her complimenting my dress and the wedding decoration etc, but then she admitted that she was angry with us for booking that venue. I tried to explain what had happened but she wouldn't hear me out. She said that friends of hers had encouraged her to book the same venue but go bigger and better which she now felt she couldn't do as I'd done such a great job. I told her it wasn't a competition and that I would be happy if she felt she could still have her wedding there if that was what she wanted. I do not subscribe to this belief that friends or family cannot use the same venue.

She ended up asking me if I had a problem with her. On any other occasion I probably would have explained my issues with her but I felt it wasn't the time or the place.

What made me most angry was this though. Many years ago DH had an affair with one of sil's friends. We got through it and I never blamed SIL for her involvement despite the fact that she helped to hide what was going on. I disliked her before this anyway so that was never the issue. Despite the fact that her BIL has also cheated on her she still loves to make out that they have a better relationship than we do. Anyway, I don't know what possessed her but she started saying that we would never see eye to eye due to the past with her friend/ow but going on and on about how great and amazing her friend was. That was it for me and I made my excuses and went back inside to spend time with our guests that were actually happy for us. I mean is it just me or was this totally and utterly inappropriate to bring up Mine and DH's past like this on our wedding day? We have discussed the situation before, there was just no need as far as I could see. Things have moved on anyway, we have has children since the affair, we have got through it. Why drag it back up on what was supposed to be the happiest day of our lives?

So Aibu to think she did this on purpose or should I cut her some slack since it was inevitably going to be difficult for her since she had wanted her wedding there? Or could we have reasonably expected her to keep her feeling to herself just for one day? I've put myself in her position and I think that even if I was angry etc I would have tried to be happy for them and put my own feelings to one side for their big day.

at the cat. Um, my friend fell out with me over the wedding venue, SIL has always been a nasty cow but I have remained civil (until her behaviour at the wedding), the family fall outs were DH's family over a will so nothing to do with me. I hadn't realised how bad it looks but I am very close to my family and otherwise have a very good set of friends. I am the virtue of reasonableness I assure you .

Spring, yes, I agree that is normally the case but without wanting to blow my own trumpet too much, I literally made everything for the wedding. As a result it was very unique and so many people commented on what a lovely job I'd done. My dad even mentioned it in his speech etc. even she complimented all my hard work through gritted teeth. I was even complimented on the unusual colour scheme and theme which is no longer unique since SIL and another friend are both using it got their weddings. Ok, I'll stop boasting now .

Lobsters, I love the idea of doing DH a birthday cake. She'll never go for that though and actually I think DH wouldn't want to make a fuss on their wedding day. I know he was a little disappointed though.

Can you say you are keeping all the wedding "bits" in case your children want to use them and that they are unique and precious, as are your memories? She sounds like a total loon and (to be kind to her) is probably very unhappy and uncertain about her own relationships, with low self.esteem, to need to be so cruel and put you down so much.

Congratulations, by the way!

I have a couple of mad sisters, one of whom, when I got engaged first, rang me up to tell me the COUNTY she was planning to marry in, and that I couldn't marry there.

Oh, you don't have to actually do it, just keep idly musing on it to make her think you might, just to drive her mad.

You could also tell her you can't help her with her wedding decorations because you are planning to make a big Happy Birthday banner or centrepiece for your DH and will be very busy with that.

Keep referring to the reception as "DH's party, well...joint party" and smile and nod at her while you say it.

Keep talking about how nice it will be for everyone to get together and ask her the venue capacity so you can work out how many people to invite.

And keep saying things like "you'll never forget DH's birthday now will you" or say that you know that her DH will never forget their anniversary because it's on his brothers birthday and he never forgets that and how nice it is for her to want to share the date rather than have one of her own.

Rose, I'm actually wanting to sell the stuff (keeping a few bits as a momento). Thanks for the congratulations as well . Wow, same county?! That's even worse than SIL! .

Lobsters, you evil genious you! I love it! I am so going to do all those things. This is going to be fun, mwahahaha. .

OP - thanks for confirming that my worst fears aren't as ludicrous as they appear. My sis is very similar to your SIL, and for years I've feared I could never have the wedding I'd want as it would have to be all about her. And you've made me realise it really could happen. The fact that at one point my mother said I needn't invite her speaks volumes, but after a recent event (where my mother agreed upon one plan of action as she knows what a bully my sister is and thus why I want as little to do with her but then decided upon the opposite so as not to offend her PFB) I know fine that if I did ever get married I'd have to invite her as the poor princess would be so upset.

What I predict would happen (among other things, based on past behaviour):

1. She try to get a shag of all my male friends (and probably the groom) then, when having failed, tell anyone who'd listen they must be gay and suggest ringing the police with a made-up charge (yep, she really has done this)

2. Have at least two tantrums, yelling and slamming doors, when things aren't done the way she wants (ie not being made the focal point of photos - she tantrummed over this at my graduation)

3. Try and become the best friend of all my friends and then moan when they don't promise never to speak to me again as she's obviously the much better person (ok, slight exaggeration but she's done similar)

4. Moan loudly about EVERYTHING I chose just because I chose them

5. If my mother were to give me a trinket of hers to celebrate, my sister would demand she has it because she's seen it and wants it (yep, done that too)

And that's just the start.

So no advice, but a huge thanks for the heads-up.

It's on your husband's birthday?

Can you turn the evening reception into his party??

I don't get this venue thing - unless you both wanted to marry on the same day at the same time and one party bribed the venue to bump the other booking off to take theirs then a venue is just a place for hire and anyone is entitled to hire it.

Round here everyone seems to want a particular venue - I've been to 4 weddings there. It looks good in photos.

I am also not aware that there is an unwritten covenenat of friendship that you can't hire the same venue as your friends. That's just silly.

And SIL is a toxic cow and I suppose your BIL keeps her for a convenient shag and ignores her most of the time for an easy life. This won't improve her temper.

If you're trying to sell your wedding bits and bobs why not put them on ebay and see if she will buy them??? At least you'll be getting some money out of it if she does buy them

Oh snow, I'm so sorry to hear your sister is such a nasty piece of work. I can totally understand your fears but I wouldn't worry unnecessarily. If it helps, DH and I were in cloud 9 the entire day and SIL's attempts to spoil things didn't work. It's only since the wedding is over that I have even given it a second thought but nothing could have spoiled the day itself. I feel for you, I really do. It's bad enough having a SIL that bad but your own sister . I think you should seriously consider not inviting her at all. She may strop but sounds like a small price to pay to have the day you want. Unmumsnetty hugs .

Op i wouldnt want to give my wedding things away either. I would like to look back on them when im an old biddy! x

If she bid on the stuff from eBay then I guess I couldn't stop her. She has actually offered 'some money' for the stuff but that makes putting a price on it quite awkward I think.

Thank you so much miggsie. That is exactly what I thought too but I had a massive guilt trip when my ex friend fell out with me over the first venue and started blackmailing me using our long standing friendship and the friendship between our dcs as leverage. I shall stop feeling like I did something wrong now.

Diddl, I have had a change of heart. I shall help with the invites (and sneak a bit about my DH's birthday in there) .

Thanks for your kinds words TW, and I'll bear that in mind (about your day not actually being ruined) but I really would want to go with the not-inviting her really. It's all hypothetical really, since I'm single atm, but I do think about it from time to time.

I had to lie to my mother about my second graduation and say I could only get one ticket as I refused to let my sister spoil another special occassion. Unfortunately a friend suggested she came with my mother, to my mother, and was told there were no spare tickets. Oh well.

I think that actually you DO kind of blame her for the affair, after all you can't keep blaming your DH for the affair can you and then still marry him. I think all this drama is unresolved issues from that. I don't think there is anything she could do right tbh.

That said she does sound like a bit of a knob but I think you are unhealthily obsessed by her and her doings and are painting her as black as possible to fit in with your unresolved issues from ages ago.

Asking for your wedding stuff is NOT that big a deal, worth no more than a "Eh? Are you serious? NO!"

Storm.

Teacup.

I disagree that it's a storm in a teacup. She sounds simply dreadful.

I think the OP sounds obsessed with her tbh and would read a slight into the most innocent of interactions with her.

No problem snow. I hope your sister mellows with age and stops thinking of herself.

I can see why you would think that Emma. In fairness I would never have believed one person could be so out and out nasty until I met SIL. And I am frequently shocked by her behaviour. Normal people do not behave the way she does but then I actually don't think she's normal. I think she may be a true narsarcist.

I do not blame SIL for the affair at all. I never have. I any event, it was a long time ago and all is forgiven. What I do still hold a fridge over was the fact that she very much enjoyed hinting at what was going on. I understood her predicament, she was obviously in a difficult situation through loyalty to both her friend and her dp but I think she should have either told me outright or kelt her mouth shut as I have done choosing not to mention the times her dp kept bringing women back to our house and loudly shafting them behind get back when he lived with us briefly. I don't hint that I know, what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

In isolation the wedding thing is not a big deal but she consistently tries to take over any event we have and us rude and nasty to my face by mocking our life choices and personal snidey remarks. I have never retaliated or sunk to her level because I was raised better than that and find it uncomfortable to be openly rude to people. I have had years and years if this. It's all getting a bit much.

Well I would sound obsessed when this particular thread is about her antics but I think I am the right level of annoyed having put up with it for so long.

I suspect there are a million and one examples of what the SIL has done in the past. Knowing my sister I'm quite able to believe she's done all manner of nastinesses in the past. I also know that however much you tell people of her actions, nobody 'gets' the vileness until they witness it for themselves. I know a friend couldn't believe what my sis was capable of and put everything he heard about her and our troubles down to sibling rivalry, until he saw her in action.

Sorry for typos, I can't type with nails on.

You've hot the nail on the head there snow. None if my friends really got it until they saw her in action at the wedding. I could go on and on about all her antics but then this thread would never end. In my defence, I literally have never met anyone except BIL who likes her. His friends can't stand her and by all accounts she is the butt of many if their jokes. She's vile to everyone.

I've got an awful female family member and I fully know how it feels to describe what she's doing and no one "gets" it because it doesn't seem THAT bad. I spent years crying over it. But guess what I was the only one crying. The only thing that worked was distancing myself completely and ignoring her nonsense. A few years on I can't believe I was ever so affected by her.

How did you get to that point Emma? I would love for her crap to just wash over me but its difficult when its so relentless. I'm not obsessed with her by any means but I do find it hard to not let it get to me at all. I keep my distance as best I can but there are occasions that I just can't avoid her. I post on here to vent and process my thoughts do I don't fight fire with fire when it comes to dealing with her.