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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Competative childbirth

229 replies

FrameyMcFrame · 04/03/2013 18:47

All my births have been horrendous, back to back and lots of things went wrong. I won't bore you with the details and it's all a long time ago now. I'm over it now, apart from the permanent physical damage that was a side effect. :(
Friend has just had her 1st baby and it all went perfectly and according to plan, all great and I'm so happy for her.

Apart from she has been keen to tell me that if I had done X,Y and Z then I also could have had a perfect birth too. I don't think it's as easy as that, everyone is different and each birth is different. Just because all that worked for her doesn't mean it would have helped at all in my circumstances...

I'm glad she had a good birth but I don't want to feel like my traumatic births were my fault because I didn't do my homework or watch the right DVDs...
Birth is only the start of parenthood, it's not that important, why do some people want to make such a big deal of it?

Am I being a jealous cow? AIBU to feel sad about this?

OP posts:
shesariver · 04/03/2013 18:51

YANBU. There is nothing as bad as a snug know it all who wants to make other people feel bad.

puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 04/03/2013 18:52

Ignore ignore ignore. What happend in your births was not your fault, and there was bugger all you could have done about it unfortunately.

Sorry you had such a traumatic time.

PedlarsSpanner · 04/03/2013 18:54

oh your friend is being terribly tactless and rather horrible really. I am so sorry. What can you say to someone who says stuff like that? I don't have a neat retort.

(If it helps, my SIL had her baby and has been telling folk the baby was born in the caul, how wonderful and lucky, all at hospital were amazed yadda yadda. It transpires that the baby wasn't born in the caul at ALL, her waters went late, that's all. Stupid woman.)

GinAndaDashOfLime · 04/03/2013 18:54

You are soooo NBU. Tell her to put a sock in it

GloriaPritchett · 04/03/2013 18:55

YANBU. How insensitive and horrible of her to say that, it is completely ridiculous.

PeggyCarter · 04/03/2013 18:55

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WellSlapMyThighAndCallMeNancy · 04/03/2013 18:56

What a plonker. As if you had a choice on having a traumatic birth.

I have to ask, what is it shes suggesting?

Presumably hypnobirthing for one?

CommanderShepard · 04/03/2013 18:58

I have my theories about the big deal thing... they might, however, get me banned.

I had a traumatic birth 9 months ago and was in counselling for months. I'm sorry you had a crappy time too :( I just keep telling myself that every baby, every birth, every woman is different and thank goodness for medical science which allows me to be here to say that.

And also that the only people who can ever judge what happened are my caregivers during labour. And DH. Everyone else can fuck off if they're not willing to be supportive.

They weren't your fault. They were not your fault.

MrsMargoLeadbetter · 04/03/2013 18:58

Ignore her.

She may well not have such a lovely text book birth next time....she might come to regret her views...

Sorry you had such a bad time of it.

CatsRule · 04/03/2013 18:59

I wouldn't consider my experience traumatic....I do consider myself very lucky and fortunate and I would never gloat about it. It had a lot to do with the support I had and my own mindset of just wanting a healthy baby, a much wanted and long awaited baby, at the end of it all.

You did nothing wrong, I think there are various factors to good and bad experiences. Her good experience will not all be down to her doing it all right...whatever right is!

Yanbu

exoticfruits · 04/03/2013 18:59

Smile, nod and ignore. Change the subject. Hopefully she will never find out that it was nothing whatever to do with her-it was luck. Babies don't fit in with plans.

BearFrills · 04/03/2013 19:00

Ignore!

I remember someone at a baby group casually saying that birth is such a natural process and that any interventions needed are the fault of the mother for not 'trying'.

Funnily enough she had just had her first too. I hold the theory that everyone is entitled to be a dick after the birth of their first and for the first six months after any subsequent baby.

My first was a VB, back to back and a very long second stage (over three hours) with a clip on DS head. I managed to get him out without instruments, just - finally popped him out as they were prepping me. But a VB nonetheless. DD was an EMCS in the very, very early stages of labour (a show and mild contractions eight minutes apart).

You never know what will happen until it happens.

ohdoone · 04/03/2013 19:01

If she starts again say 'Shut the fuck up smug face'. I hate competitive birth stuff it's so insensitive. I was all set for a home water birth but ended up with a emsec, was disappointed yes but my child is alive with no brain damage so who cares?! People still try and tell me shit about how I could have had a natural birth and they are right, I could have- wouldn't have been worth the outcome though.

Schooldidi · 04/03/2013 19:01

My cousin was a bit like this after her first and was telling everybody how to do it. Unfortunately her second was a really traumatic affair involving a placental abruption and everybody was scared of losing one or both of them. She's not smug now, and even apologised to those people she had offended by practically telling them they ahd caused their bad birth experiences. She's still quite smug about cloth nappies, breastfeeding and BLW, so I suppose she's got her smug quota covered.

highlandcoo · 04/03/2013 19:02

YANBU - she is being hugely insensitive.

I remember after my first DC - high blood pressure leading to induction ending up with an epidural after 12 hours of trying to give birth without one - an NCT "friend" built like a brood mare who'd popped her first baby out smugly telling me I should have tried a bit harder Angry

I had an even worse time with the second DC, then a fab easy birth third time round .. just luck, and if that's the only sort of birth some women experience they are so fortunate! They need to keep quiet about it and not be smug though.

FirstTimeForEverything · 04/03/2013 19:05

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blueballoon79 · 04/03/2013 19:06

YANBU, she is being incredibly insensitive and ignorant.

I had extremely traumatic births with both my children, then a year later had to endure a friend ringing me up and gushing on and on about her wonderful water birth and how easy it was and how she doesn't understand what all the fuss is about childbirth.

After her call I went to my bed and laid there sobbing.

It's horrible.

I'm sorry you had to experience this too and I assure you that the traumatic births you experienced were NOT your fault.

harryhausen · 04/03/2013 19:06

YANBU. She's being incredibly smug.

I had an horrendous birth for my first dc (that I needed 6 months of physiotherapy for afterwards). However, like you dc is 8 now. I'm over it.

However, I remember collapsing in a heap on the kitchen floor one afternoon not long after the birth when my DH got a text from a mutual friend announcing the birth of his friends baby which said "baby x born safely. DW pushed perfectly with only a short whiff of G & A. Now that's what I call an amazing woman"Hmm. It wasn't about me at all, but I felt it was.

Birth stories are a lottery. A friend of mine was incredibly smug about her 2 perfect, pain relief free home births (the birth I'd planned).... Until her 3rd birth where she was raced to hospital under a blue light in an emergency. I wasn't ^happy^ she'd had that experience, but I did like that fact she'd finally understood she couldn't plan for everything.

Grinkly · 04/03/2013 19:08

I shared a room after my first birth, mine was a wee 6lb er hers a 10 1/2 lb lump. Needless to say had to listen to constant rah rah rah about how huge he was from all her visitors, and a pitying look when they looked at my dainty wee one. Also my birth was horrible and hers a doddle. Hopefully you don't share rooms now.

Camwombat · 04/03/2013 19:09

YANBU. Definately not.

FFS, you are not in control of what happens during labour, and I dont see that there is anything you could do to control it.

I has what might be deemed by some as an "easy labour", but not only did it not feel like that, especially as he came out blue with the cord around his neck, but I wouldnt dream of telling someone else what they should have done to make it easier on themselves and would probably bite the head off anyone that told me "what i should have done"

It is what you do afterwards that counts, and maybe her words will come back to haunt her, when her PFB has her up all hours... Offer her some "useful" advice then. Wink

I'm really sorry you had trouble and have been left with physical damage. Sad

MiaowTheCat · 04/03/2013 19:10

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Camwombat · 04/03/2013 19:11

YANBU. Definately not.

FFS, you are not in control of what happens during labour, and I dont see that there is anything you could do to control it.

I has what might be deemed by some as an "easy labour", but not only did it not feel like that, especially as he came out blue with the cord around his neck, but I wouldnt dream of telling someone else what they should have done to make it easier on themselves and would probably bite the head off anyone that told me "what i should have done"

It is what you do afterwards that counts, and maybe her words will come back to haunt her, when her PFB has her up all hours... Offer her some "useful" advice then. Wink

I'm really sorry you had trouble and have been left with physical damage. Sad

KitCat26 · 04/03/2013 19:12

'I'm glad she had a good birth but I don't want to feel like my traumatic births were my fault because I didn't do my homework or watch the right DVDs
Birth is only the start of parenthood, it's not that important.'

^ This is what you should say to her. Otherwise ignore her if you can.

MrsDeVere · 04/03/2013 19:13

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Ionasky · 04/03/2013 19:13

She sounds pretty silly, some people over-infer from a lucky experience - YANBU and you're right, she's at the start of a long road...