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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wish ex would disappear so I could stop being so stressed and on edge.

30 replies

HideAwayPopOut · 04/03/2013 17:55

My ex left me when I found out I was pregnant.

He will sometimes see 8 m/o DD regularly week for a few weeks, then disappear for weeks, then text demanding to see her a certain time and day.
If I ever say I'm busy, he will demand to know what I am doing, and tell me it's not important and to rearrange it as he will be coming over at X time. The only reason he has accepted was the doctors, and then he came to the doctors surgery without arranging it first, like he was trying to check up on me.

During contact I have shown him me playing with her to give ideas, told him what toys are her favourites, gone out of the room for a bit, but he still doesn't interact with her.
He never asks any questions about her, or how she is. He is rough with her, has shaken her, clicked her arm by pulling her up by it for crawling away, barely looks at her, doesn't talk to her, and holds her tightly in one place during visits even if she cries trying to get down.

He refused to hand her back when she wouldn't stop crying last visit, holding her infront of him staring her in the face without moving for 15 minutes while she screamed, choked and gasped for breath where she was so distressed, telling me she "needs to realise I'm boss then she'll back down." before finally giving her back when I said I would phone the health visitor to ask her opinion if he didn't hand her over.

I then hadn't heard from him for 2 and a half weeks, and he just texted saying "I want DD on wednesday. I will pick her up at 10am and you can collect her at 3pm." I replied saying "Wednesday is fine, but I don't think DD is ready to have visits alone yet as she still doesn't see you that often, and hasn't been alone with anyone else yet either. Where do you want to meet?" He replied saying "I have told you, I will be picking her up at 10am. You can't control what I do with her."

He has threatened court before to get me to agree to contact days, which I am terrified of as I have no evidence of him being like this, so it would just be my word against his and he can come across as perfectly nice, has a good job, looks like typical man etc.

What should I reply to him? I can't stand the thought of him having her alone crying and scared, she gets so distressed each visit.

I'm jumping every time my phone goes off thinking it's him, and I'm avoiding meeting up with friends too so I don't have to cancel last minute on them. It feels like I have no control over my own life anymore, and like I'm powerless to protect my DD as I could be made to leave her with him if I don't go along with him to avoid court. But now I can't even go along with what he wants to protect her. Sorry for the huge essay .

OP posts:

madwomanacrosstheroad · 04/03/2013 18:20

Speak to your health visitor about this to makr sure your concrrns are documented. Then let him take you to coutt. It is not pleasant bit also not the end of the world. Ask womens aid for a recommendation for a good solicitor. You do realise that what he is doing is abusive and in appropriate and you have to be protective re your baby. He will probably then start threatening you with social services. The best thing is to just ignore it. At court social servoces will be directed to do a social background report, that is routine. They will listen to your concerns and you can ask for supervised contact. Make sure you have as much documentation as possible. I.e keep any texts and if he gets threatening or annoying call the police. I would also be concerned if he is demanding for you to change appointments and has followed you to the doctorm

Mollymom · 04/03/2013 18:21

Someone with more knowledge wil be along soon but going to court might be the best thing for you and Dd if there has not been regular contact up to now- the courts might insist on supervised visits to start with possibly in a contact centre. You dont have to answer the phone if he rings.

Dannilion · 04/03/2013 18:22

You are her mum, no-one makes decisions for her apart from you. This man is a bully, please don't let him bully your poor little baby like he clearly is bullying you. I think you should talk to a solicitor, health visitor, anyone with legal advice. Start documenting his behaviour, keep the texts etc. Next time he holds your screaming baby and doesn't let go, actually call the HV, so it's noted. Make plans with your friends, talk to them about what is happening. You need RL support and people to stand up for you.

madwomanacrosstheroad · 04/03/2013 18:23

Dont worry about court. A lot of controlling men come accross as perfectly nice and reasonable. Keep a diary of the days he has had contact. Dont cut yourself off from your friends and dont change your plans. The court process is to protect you and your child. He sounds quite scary.

Sugarice · 04/03/2013 18:31

Don't send your dd with him, he is setting off alarm bells in my head just from reading your OP.

Call his bluff and tell him you'll see him in court, he's a bully and testing you.

Your dd needs you to stand up for her and that means not letting him have her, talk to your HV and GP for support and advice.

He sounds like a twat, don't let him dictate to you.

SignoraStronza · 04/03/2013 18:35

Please write down all these incidents with dates and times and keep a log of phone calls and texts/emails. These are called contemporaneous note and will prove vital in any court case.

Do not let him have contact any more - your op made me feel really uneasy and it sounds possible your baby could come to harm

Please report these concerns to your hv and GP. Don't let him bully you. If he wants access he can request a contact order - and you can ensure that this is supervised at a contact centre.

flippinada · 04/03/2013 18:35

You've already been offered good advice above, which I heartily agree with. Please, please don't stop seeing your friends - you need them. Explain to them what's going on. Also, do you have supportive family nearby? If so, ask for their help too.

Regarding the phone, here's a suggestion - why not get yourself a new phone, don't hive him your number. Keep the old one and use it just for him, then check it once a day.

Please don't be intimidated by the thought of going to court. They have heard it all before.

flippinada · 04/03/2013 18:36

Oh yes and definitely do keep a diary of his behaviour, what happens during contact etc

MummytoKatie · 04/03/2013 18:37

Were you married? If not, is he on the birth certificate?

flippinada · 04/03/2013 18:39

It may also help to see a gp (if you have a sympathetic gp) and explain the effect this is having on you, also as they may be able to direct you to some form of support.

Original poster

HideAwayPopOut · 04/03/2013 18:39

I really don't think I could handle court though, and the stress of knowing they could easily decide to believe him
Surely all he'd have to do was put on a nice act in a contact center a few times to get her alone, then he could do whatever he wanted and she's not even old enough to tell me if she's been crying for hours or what's happened.

What should I reply to him saying he will be picking her up at 10? Or should I just not reply and go out instead?

OP posts:

thixotropic · 04/03/2013 18:42

Don't usually post on these as I have zero experience, but that bit about showing her who is boss whilst she screamed and choked made my blood run cold.

Let the creepy fucker take you to court. Courts are familiar with smarmy men, they won't be taken in.

Do not allow him near her. Git.

AmberLeaf · 04/03/2013 18:44

He is rough with her, has shaken her, clicked her arm by pulling her up by it for crawling away, barely looks at her, doesn't talk to her, and holds her tightly in one place during visits even if she cries trying to get down

What a nasty bully he is.

Please report all of this to anyone who will listen. [as suggested above HV etc]

I wouldn't let him near her again.

Sugarice · 04/03/2013 18:46

Send a text saying you aren't satisfied that he can provide adequate care for her and he's not responsible enough to be in sole charge so that arrangement isn't suitable.

Be out for the time he specified.

Do you have family to help?

madwomanacrosstheroad · 04/03/2013 18:48

You need to protect her. Avoiding the issueis not going to sort it out. Make any professionals involved aware of the issues. Was there domesti abuse in your relationship with him? Get all concerns documented. You really do not have a choice here if you want to protect her. He is clearly trying to use her to get at you and control her. You could for the time being change your number or bar him from ringing you. Contact womens aid

Original poster

HideAwayPopOut · 04/03/2013 18:49

He is on the birth certificate. My GP is quite a formal elderly man, but my health visitor has been great at reassuring me before, but she usually just says "he can't have her alone until you're happy with it" which doesn't really help because he can if he goes to court and does a good enough act :/

My mum lives about 20 minutes away, so I see her about once a week. It's been so long since I've seen some friends that it feels like it would be a bit awkward meeting up too though. Their lives are still work and going out etc, whereas mine is just DD 24/7 so it's like we've got nothing in common anymore, and then it feels really rude if I have to go if DD is grumpy/if I have to cancel.

OP posts:

YouTheCat · 04/03/2013 18:51

Don't worry about court. It isn't like being cross-examined or anything. There is evidence gathering and such like.

If you voice your concerns now to HV/GP/Women's Aid, then it will be documented and be evidence. The chances are, once he sees how much digging they will do into his past, he'll give up.

Does he bother paying maintenance?

flippinada · 04/03/2013 18:52

Don't let him have her on Wednesday. Say no, and arrange to be elsewhere, with a supportive friend or member of your family.

And please, please tell your friends/family what is going on do that they can support you.

If you don't feel able to say it out loud, print off this thread and show them.

flippinada · 04/03/2013 18:54

If I had a friend in this situation, even if I hasn't seen her for a while, I'd be there for her, no questions asked.

He's got you in such a state (understandable, he sounds like a really nasty piece of work) you're imagining and assuming the worst.

Don't sit there fretting, do something, even if it's just picking up the phone and talking to your mum.

flippinada · 04/03/2013 18:55

20 minutes is nothing! If your mum would be supportive then why not speak to her?

BathTangle · 04/03/2013 19:09

I agree with what the posters above have said about your ex - I am sure their advice is quite right.

Also wanted to say that you might speak to the the Health Visitor about finding some people with whom you have more in common than your friends without children: do the HVs arrange baby groups, for example? One of the girls I met through a baby group my HV arranged is now (7 years on) one of my closest friends, and I still value that group of friends hugely. We have all supported each other through some really tough times....

Dawndonna · 04/03/2013 19:20

Are you going to be in on Wednesday. You could text him and say that you have an appointment with your solicitor so won't be around. Maybe that will frighten him and make him think twice.

INeedThatForkOff · 04/03/2013 19:25

You must take it to court. This is about the baby first and foremost and you have to protect her. Be strong.

If yoy refuse the contact he is demanding now, he will probably react and you need to report it as appropriate, whether to a HV (not sure why though), social services or the police if need be. Are you afraid that you have something to hide? (I'm not suggesting you have for a moment, but if that's the reason, again your DD is the priority and you're clearly a caring mother).

Mango194 · 04/03/2013 19:54

OP, your post sent shivers down my spine. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this poisonous man. Please do not let him intimidate you; just because he's your DD's biological father, it does NOT give him the right to bully you like this or to act in such a controlling, abusive way. I can only repeat what everyone else has said: speak to your HV/other healthcare professionals, friends and family - let them know what is going on. Document everything and don't let him fool you into thinking that a court would take his side - that is simply not true as they'll have seen men like him a thousand times before and know exactly how to deal with them.

Be strong - you sound like a good, caring mother and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Do not hand your DD to him or meet up with him - you owe him NOTHING after the way he's behaved. That stuff about him being rough with her is seriously disturbing - if he pulls any shit like that ever again, call the police.

Best of luck to you and stay strong xx

BruisedFanjo · 04/03/2013 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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